I like your idea about the "key." However, I will note that when I try stuff like that my H smiles, seems to genuinely enjoy it, puts it aside somewhere where he puts special things like his bedside table and.......... NOTHING HAPPENS. How will you feel if that is what transpires? I just don't want you to set yourself up.
Yes, I do believe he's being lazy and yes, he is definitely the aovider in our R. These are things I've known for quite some time LOL.
The gift I suggested....isn't so much pursuing in my POV, it's a sentimental gift, which is something he gets into. True, it will have ideas/suggestions included....but it's kind of difficult to describe how this going to be done. It is a visual reminder of things, which is something I haven't tried before. Will it work? Oh, probably not....but who knows for sure?
Personally, I think he does know what I need in this R...he's no dummy. However, for anyone breaking out of a cycle of behavior isn't easy, I had to break my own cycle of behavior in this R as well. My H is being asked to do things in this R that for him are way out of his comfort zone.
Does he have control issues, yes I believe he does have some...although I don't believe he admits to all of them. I do believe there is a passive-aggressive side to him that resists doing what I ask, our C believes the same thing. You can see that he resists....he will verbally tell you exactly what I need out of this R, yet he won't do it.
Here's an example....a month or two ago we were in our C's office. Once again I was asking him to tell me how he feels, talk to me about "us", talk to me about sex...whatever. His response yet again was "I've never talked about that stuff!". Now that simple phrase was said so emphatically (and it dawned on me at that time) that I told him..."when you say that, it sounds exactly like this....I've never talked about taht stuff, never have...never will!" Our C agreed that's exactly how it sounded...even though, it's not what he literally said.
There is definitely a part of him that he keeps a very tight rein on. Why? Probably because if he tells me some of these things that makes him vulnerable...I'm sure he doesn't want to be vulnerable, if he's vulnerable then I can hurt him. So instead he holds everything close and lets nothing out...unless it's something small and safe.
My H has often told me..."I'm just not a very emotional person", bullcrap!!! We sat on the couch Sunday evening watching "Extreme Home Makeovers" and he was crying his eyes out over the family on the show. Now, I know that's not the same thing as showing emotion towards me and making himself vulnerable to me....but he shows more emotion towards that show....than I've ever seen him show to me.
Actually...I fully expect that my H will do just that. It won't surprise me at all. That's why it's a gift, I'm really not attaching any expectations to it, it's more a gift of sentimentality really. If it has an affect, great! If it doesn't...I'm fully expecting that.
GGB said: ------------------------------------------------------ Thing is, I've sunk back into my give-a-damn is busted, and I don't even feel like putting ANY effort into fixing it. The longer MrsGGB does nothing, the further I sink into it. I know that I have to snap out of it, that it is destructive to the R, but I once again am not finding any strength to push it aside ONCE AGAIN.
Nopkins (Dad), since you're back, I'd love to hear your take on this don'tgivashititis, or what GEL is calling my-give-a-damn-is-busted. How does one find the motivation to pull out of this hole? I thought I got out of it a couple of times over the past two months, only to fall right back to the bottom. ------------------------------------------------------
In every relationship, at any given point in time, one partner will care more for the other partner than the other partner does for them. In well functioning relationships, that care level will switch back and forth. In really well functioning relationships, that switching is almost imperceptible. In more broken relationships, there can be long lapses and very one-sided caring.
We have all seen it here, the pushme/pullyou syndrome.
As long as you are not building resentment by getting back into the fray with your (at least partly functional) spouse, then you 'just do it' and set an example of the very thing you are expecting of them toward the meeting of your needs.
Having said that, I see no problem with the occasional 'breather'. Just beware of the resentment monster if your spouse doesn't play pushme/pullyou as quickly as you would like.
Not to harp on the obvious, but don't forget that any appearance of 'needy' is a big no-no and a further turn off to the already non-participating spouse.
It is a choice just like any other choice you make. The only gotcha is that you owe it to your spouse to tell them when the choice is becoming overly difficult or impossible to make. Give your spouse a chance to work with you.
Motivation is nothing more than a decision.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Negotiate what? How do you negotiate desire? This is not about having sex, this is all about WHY you have sex. This is all about INTIMACY. So how do you negotiate intimacy?
Quote: Negotiate what? How do you negotiate desire? This is not about having sex, this is all about WHY you have sex. This is all about INTIMACY. So how do you negotiate intimacy?
Can you 'quote' my post so I know what you are referring to? Because I think I said that it wasn't about negotiating. I understand that it isn't just about sex, it's about intimacy. And several people here have told you, time and again, that if you are lacking intimacy in your life, it more than likely is not about 'lack of sex' as it is about lack of communication and trust between you.
Is your wife as devout as you are? Have you ever considered going to one of those weekends some of the people here on the board have tried?
Not to sound trite, but does it matter what is the hardest LL to learn? This is going to differ from person-to-person.
I think what Chrome was saying was in reference to Gift Giving being the easiest LL for my H to speak, and perhaps it is for Chrome as well in his own perspective. I'm not sure he was speaking in generalities. He was afterall responding to my post where I referred to my H constantly trying to buy me things...which doesn't work for me.
Can you tell me what you hope to gain by answering this question?
I guess I didn't explain myself well enough Cemar. True Gift Giving is just as hard or easy as any of the other languages, depending (as GEL said) on the person. What I was trying to say was that just going out and buying things for someone would be pretty easy to do. So as far as "faking" the LL, I would think gift giving would be the easiest, kwim? NOTE: not saying GEL's H is necessarily faking it, that's just a possibility.
For myself, I have no difficulty with any of the LL, but the hardest for me would be AOS. How about you Cemar?
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
We are now entrenched in the weekday workaday routine and true to my H's form....he's reverted back to his usual self....at least until the weekend rolls around again.
Apparantly the only day/time my H will actually consider sex is Sunday nights...any other day/time is just simply not considered. Oh, and since nothing happened this past weekend, that means I get to wait until next Sunday rolls around again to see if anything happens then.
I've noticed this pattern with him by taking some time to really look back in our history. Any time I have mentioned a "schedule" Sunday was a night he'd pick......when he last brought up a "schedule" he chose Sunday night as well. Why Sunday? I dunno. But it seems to be the one and only day of the week he feels he can fit that in (at the very end of the day). Even if I say something about "honey, do you think we can mess around a bit this weekend?" he waits until Sunday night....right before we go to sleep, even if I'm the one trying to get things going.
I Don't know exactly why I'm bringing this up here....I think I'm really just journaling a bit and posting thoughts/observations to see what other people think as well and get feedback. You guys know me....I'm in a constant search for understanding!
Now...true, I would love to ML more than once a week, but if my H would actually hold true to that one night a week...I could live with that. Would I still like it more often? Sure I would, but that at least would be him following-through on something he said and holding to it....which in turn would make me feel like I/We were a priority to him.
Apparantly now he thinks that because he initiated one time (which he did several weeks ago...for the 1st time in our R) it's my turn again. I think this because he did bring it up in one of our sessions, I had said something about being exhausted having to do all the initiating in our R and he threw up that he HAD just initiated and that he HAD done it just to make sure I was "taken care of", and made it sound like now it's my turn (I didn't know we were supposed to take turns).
Anyway...other than that things are pleasant around the GEL household. We aren't fighting, we aren't bickering, we have a great time with our 2S, there's just simply no EC at all. To give him some credit though he is making attempts at being more affectionate, and did comment on an outfit I wore yesterday which he thought I looked really good in. Things like that are nice...but right now not enough to snap me out of this....but I accept the compliments and the affection and do try to validate him, but I am still not seeking him out.
I also found this interesting. Last night I mentioned to my H that there was a party I would like to go to for a co-worker who is leaving, she is someone I've worked closely with. I suggested that we could get a sitter for our S and go, his response was "oh no that's fine, you can go I'll watch Ian." I did explain that I'd like him to go with me, that it could be fun for us because these people are a fun group and it would get us out....instead he opted for sending me out dressed to the 9's on my own. I couldn't help myself from thinking "would you like to just gift wrap me and send me off to another man as well?" Now, no I'm not considering an A or anything like that, that was just the thought that ran through my head...because I do know that some of the guys that will be at this party don't consider a married woman out of bounds. I simply told him that I would really like him to go with me, but if he didn't I would still go and wish my friend well (I won't stay long, but I will still go....and then perhaps catch a movie on my own.) But one thing I'm not going to do, which I would have in the past is...not go just because he didn't want to.
Ok...I'm done for now, just needed to get those thoughts out.
