Rats, GEL, his not being willing to go to the party with you even for a little while is kind of aggravating...
I wanted to say something about gift-giving as an LL. This is NOT to discount your annoyance with your H seeming to want to "buy you off." I think your instincts are right on there. When gift-giving is a true expression of love, it feels different-- it feels like you are being loved with this gift. What he's doing obviously does not feel that way to you, and rightly so.
For me, as a gift-giver, being able to find some object, song, book, special food, etc., that someone else really likes or wants, and to deliver it to them and watch their face light up... and they look at you with shining eyes and say, "How did you KNOW that this is what I wanted?"-- it's a very sweet experience. For the dyed-in-the-wool GG, you don't just run to the Mall and grab the thing that's on sale. You listen throughout the year to what they seem to long for, especially if it's something they want and won't get for themselves. Then you buy it in secret and wait for the right moment... or you're out together and they see it and you've been planning this and you buy it for them. When my bf spontaneously bought me a beautiful necklace when we were at the Undefended Love workshop was really special and meant a lot. It's a way of saying, "I see into your heart, and I want to bring you your heart's desire."
When I post book idea on this board and people tell me that the book was meaningful to them, I get the GG's buzz from that.
Gift giving can make the giver very vulnerable when they've put a lot of thought into the gift and feel they've found a special doorway into the other person's soul-- and then the other person slams the door shut. Being rejected sexually is certainly a case of an offered gift being turned down.
Although I LOVE presents myself, I personally feel slighted and ungrateful when someone just buys any old thing without giving it some thought. My late husband's cousin used to buy both of us the-- frankly-- STUPIDEST presents! One time she bought us big fuzzy slippers, the kind where the slipper is a bear's head or a dog's head or something. My husband only had ONE LEG! He never took his outdoor shoe off his prosthesis. It was just too much trouble. Who would give a one-legged man a pair of fuzzy, hard-to-walk-in slippers for a present!!
Okay... got that out of my system. Returning this thread to the GEL in progress...
Yes, that's exactly it. There are gifts that he could give me that would truly touch me, and I have even dropped those hints to him...one such gift would be something with a ruby in it (doesn't have to be expensive) that would represent our S.
When he took me shopping I know he was hoping I'd find something I wanted...but that's not the same as him taking the time to listen to me and finding something I would like. Or even (as I've told him several times) buying me something that he sees that makes him think of me. Instead he asks me to circle things in catalogs (which I don't mind) or waits til the last minute before a GG occasion and asks me what I want. Now I know he does these things because he wants to ensure he gets something I'd like, I understand that and don't really have a problem with it....but it sure would be nice if he'd learn what "I" like, and to do that he would have to really make an effort to get to know GEL.
See I'm the same as you when it comes to GG, I do exactly what you do as well. I love to give gifts!!! And I do it simply because I want to do it, not because I have to do it. I pretty much love to give and do for other people in general.
As for the party...I think he actually thinks he's doing me a favor "letting me go on my own". Even though I've told him I'd like him to go, he seems to think he's giving me a freedom.
Oh I'm sure it would. I don't expect him to do that though, that would definitely not be his style. But it would be nice if he'd learn what I truly do like when it comes to picking out gifts. I often show him things that I like, that are something I would choose for myself (jewelry/clothing/home decor items) but he always waits and buys me things when I'm present. I doubt this aspect of him will ever change....and it's definitely not something I consider an "issue" LOL. This is something about him I accept.
Right there with ya. My H enjoys practical gifts only. That is also what he gives. I am getting a bookshelf for my 38 bday (Monday). H sees this as an intensely personal gift because I read so much. I think it is a lovely gift but not personal. KWIM?
I havent recieved a gift from my H in years. He has gotten us severely into debt buyign things for himself to the point where we couldnt afford to go out on my birthday but he was an hour late picking me up because he was out at Old Navy buying 50 dollars worth of clothes for himself. What would cause this behavior? Ive decided to stop nagging. but its so hard. All i would like from him is freshly cut flowers (even grocery store is ok for like 5 bucks!) a few times ayear, some nice cards and to be remembered on holidays. A few weeks ago, before i completely uncovered all his infidelities he meantioned a 5000 dollars sweepstakes from sears. He meantioned all the washing machines and household applieances he would buy!Nothing about even purchasing me my own wedding ring. I wear an heirloom from my great grandmother, which i know is a treasure, but nothing would please me more than to have my own sparkling ring from my husband. Even my own simple gold wedding band. Sorry i just needed to vent.
I can understand your frustration, sounds like you have so much more going on in your M than him not buying gifts for you. Sounds like you are in quite a bit of pain.
Quote: But it would be nice if he'd learn what I truly do like when it comes to picking out gifts. I often show him things that I like, that are something I would choose for myself (jewelry/clothing/home decor items) but he always waits and buys me things when I'm present.
I’ll admit to doing a bit of this myself, so let me explain. After thirty years of marriage, I still haven’t been able to figure out what W likes. Heaven knows I try, but I just can’t seem to get it. When we go shopping together, I’ll see something I’m just positive she’ll like and point it out to her. Nine times out of ten, she either dismisses it with no reaction at all, or she makes a face or comment making it abundantly clear that the doesn’t like it. So the only way I can be safe is to buy the exact item that she has made a positive comment about. And the best way to do that is to buy it right then when there’s no chance of making a mistake, the particular item being sold, or whatever. Admittedly, it’s gotten a little better since the kids have gotten older; I can distract W and dispatch one of them to procure the item. But it’s still tempting to just buy it on the spot.
Quote: So the only way I can be safe is to buy the exact item that she has made a positive comment about. And the best way to do that is to buy it right then when there’s no chance of making a mistake, the particular item being sold, or whatever.
People like ZB and GGB's wives are really a PITA to buy presents for! By being so picky and so contrary they are really missing out on the joy of allowing someone who loves them to please them. When someone goes out of their way to look for something they think you would really like and get it for you, for you to receive it graciously is a double gift for the giver. First the receiver is liking the thing itself that the giver got for them, and second the receiver is affirming that the giver truly does know what the giver want in their heart and soul-- and this is the real reason for the gift-- to establish the connection. People like your two wives who refuse to participate in this sort of exchange are missing out, and all you can do for them is just buy the thing they say they want and don't try to use your imagination. IHMO to receive a gift graciously really means letting someone inside. It means letting them know they "got to you," and acknowledging that they penetrated your defenses and touched you. Sadly, I think this is just another way for Mrs. ZB and Mrs GGB to tell y'all that they don't want you inside.
One of my bf's daughters hard to please in the gift department. BF has teenaged twins, and one of them is VERY easy for me to buy for. But the other one is very contrary and a bit cynical. For example, when her letter jacket was stolen, my bf offered to replace it for her, and she said, "Oh I really don't care about it all that much." Well, she's a senior and she had several letters on it, and she damm well DID care, but it was like she couldn't let admit that.
I really blew her mind on her last birthday with what I bought her. Months before the birthday we had been watching a pbs special about Motown music. She was in the other room, not watching, but she was singing along a bit, and every now and then she'd jump up and come in and look at something they were showing in the program. Bf and I had no idea she was interested in Motown music-- she's a typical white suburban h.s. student. Her sister loves Broadway shows and soundtracks. Who knew? On her birthday I bought her a Motown compilation CD and she looked at me with giant eyes: "Omigod! I LOVE this! Omigod, there are songs on here I've never heard of! This is the BEST present." Heh heh... <Lil dusts hands together>... now THAT was a gratifying moment for me!
