Social cues as in what? I don't honestly know what he's like at work as I'm not there...and don't know any of the guys he works with. He doesn't see his best bud very often (except during hunting season).
When we go out he's not the same as he is at home. He puts on what I call a show for other people's benefit. Even he admits he doesn't act the same at home as he does when we go out. He's much more physical towards me when we're out, much more affectionate....everyone's friend pretty much too.
Really when it comes to relationships with other people that aren't "intimate" he does pretty well. You couldn't ask for a better friend than my H....he will bend over backwards to help someone out. He's just not good at an "intimate" R.
By social cues I mean understanding from others that a joke is in poor taste without someone saying so, or others may drop hints about wanting to do something different from what he may be doing but he doesn’t get it, or …… your tell him you want quality time and he buys you something. Does he truly understand what you want or how you feel? I know you’ve probably told him this a thousand times, but maybe he still can’t “get” it.
The reason I mentioned all this, and it is only a theory, nothing more, is from my wife’s work with Asperger-type kids. They don’t get it either. They can be very bright, fully capable, intelligent, but don’t get these implied social cue. And this ranges on a continuum so your husband may not be Asperger’s at all, but have some of these traits. I think the thing these people understand is when they experience the thing you’re talking about. Until then, your words are just words. He understands what you say but doesn’t get the emotion that underlies them.
When instruction or decision making and the like are clear and explicit, these people can follow along and interact just fine. The interaction is purely intellectual, mechanical. Personality has nothing to do with it, whether they are happy or not.
I think this is a genetic predisposition. These people are in some ways too caught up in their own world, are too obsessive, have difficulty switching tasks, but once they do so, they become engrossed in whatever they are doing. So they make good scientists or researchers. FWIW, just an idea.
Ok I understand what you are asking now...yes, he does get social cues. He doesn't get me. He says he does, and when I ask him to tell me what he thinks I need/want....he will tell me what I've told him. But he doesn't do those things.....or at least very, very rarely does them.
I truly do believe that what I/We are dealing with is truly a matter of my H not wanting to step out of his comfort zone. He's had some success with what he's doing with other W in the past, so I suspect he still thinks this approach will at some point work with me if he keeps at it....NOT!
Right now I'm toying with the idea of a Christmas gift for him. A handmade book called "The Key". Each page will have something meaningful to me on it, things that are important to me (that he can do), romantic situations/ideas...something we did in the past that would fit in that situation, fun situations/ideas, ideas for spending time together (that don't cost a dime), things we can do as a family etc, but all things that would help foster that EC....all hand written in calligraphy, nicely bound with photographs and an old-fashioned key tied to it with a ribbon.
The idea behind it is to hopefully tie together things he's done in the past, perhaps when we were dating that did foster that EC along with photographic reminders.
I don't know if he'd like it or not for sure, but it's something I'm toying with right now. At this point it's a work-in-progress that won't cost much to do...but who knows, it might make an impact. I doubt it, but it certainly won't hurt. If nothing else, my H will like it for the sentimental value.
Quote: He will "talk" about doing things I've told him I would like, but very rarely actually follows-through on them. Usually when he does follow-through it's after I've gotten really upset, or have really withdrawn as well....so he feels he's in the dog house.
GEL, This is MrsGGB to a T. She seems to step up to the plate only if I get upset or if I get emotionally very distant. As soon as i get close again, the efforts evaporate. It doesn't do much for getting over a case of dontgivashititis.
Exactly...and that's why I've explained to my H that right now, while I appreciate what efforts he makes....I don't trust that they'll actually stick around because they generally don't. He agreed they don't too. I can see that he thinks I'll eventually snap out of this "my give a damn's busted" mode eventually.
Lass, The squash was delicious, sorry to interrupt. Loved it!
My sister was over and I was looking over the recipe and she said, Hey! That's the squash recipe I was telling you about...it's SO good! Isn't that funny. Even the kids liked it.
Oh and I definitely got the pictures of Pepe Le Pew and I sent you some in return..did you get them?
xo
P.S. MrH did the "talk" thing for a loooong time and he finally broke that habit. Thank goodness; it's a miserable thing to endure.
Then I think he is 1) being lazy and 2) the avoider in your relationship. Your suggestion may just be another form of pursuit. As long as you do this, he doesn’t really need to change, does he? So he probably does “get” it. Could it be a passive-aggressive sort of thing, that he feels pressured and needs to rebel in some way? Does he have such types of control issues?
It seems that every time you distance, he gets the message, but he also knows you’ll break down and come back to pursuing again. This must be very comfortable. I wish I had a woman pursuing me! Just like my wife, as long as I pursue, she gets more power, calls the shots, keeps me at bay. I understand how you feel, but I’d switch positions with you any day (assuming your H was the W).
Thing is, I've sunk back into my give-a-damn is busted, and I don't even feel like putting ANY effort into fixing it. The longer MrsGGB does nothing, the further I sink into it. I know that I have to snap out of it, that it is destructive to the R, but I once again am not finding any strength to push it aside ONCE AGAIN.
Nopkins (Dad), since you're back, I'd love to hear your take on this don'tgivashititis, or what GEL is calling my-give-a-damn-is-busted. How does one find the motivation to pull out of this hole? I thought I got out of it a couple of times over the past two months, only to fall right back to the bottom.
Actually I just received your e-mail with the kids....soooooo cute!!!
I'm glad you liked that squash recipe too, it's one of my favorites!! It's one of my sons favorites too...he loves it!
I'm really hoping that my H finally does what your H has done. Listening to my H talk about doing things isn't fun. I tell him that talk is cheap to me, yet that's pretty much all I hear....there's still no actions behind the words.
