Seems I've been locked out of my own thread again...so here I go journaling once more.
It's been a month since I went on my business trip and I'm still stuck in the no EC mode, I'm pretty much numb towards my H....especially since our one and only sexual encounter (such as it was) after I returned.
I'm truly having to force myself to do anything physical towards him now...I literally have to think about it. If he puts his hand on my leg or something similar when sitting or laying by me...I have to think "GEL you really need to do something back."...and sometimes I do, but many times I simply cannot seem to will myself to do it. I'm not my normal happy self anymore either, I'm very somber....and that is just not like me.
Lately though, like within the last couple of days only (after nearly a month of this), my H seems to really be noticing my withdrawal. I can see him making attempts...I'm just having a very difficult time responding to them. Right now I'm trying to wait this out, hoping it's merely a phase....so I haven't said anything to my H yet about it. We have a MC session tomorrow and I'm sure my withdrawal will be brought up and addressed, which is fine of course. I'm not trying to make things worse between us, it's just that it feels like all the energy I have has been zapped right out of me. I don't have the energy to put ANYTHING into our R right now. It's as if when I think about hugging him, or think about doing something else in an affectionate manner....my body just turns to lead.
No, nothing new on that end. I apparantly overlooked the phone bill when I thought it went missing. I took a moment to look over it more closely and found that there was only one phone call from that number that was of any real consequence...all of the others were probably him being charged for the person calling him to try to get in touch, or him calling the other person...unsucessfully....so it looked like they were playing phone tag for a bit.
Now, does that explain why he denied knowing the person when I asked? Of course not...but on that one I'm still observing and listening. BUT my suspicions aren't nearly as peaked as they had been. Or perhaps it's that I just don't really care anymore...I don't know really. That's why I'm trying to wait this out a bit...to see if this is merely a phase with me, or have my feelings truly changed? I'm hoping it's merely a phase...tomorrows MC session should be interesting. I'm sure he'll let me open the session up again when she asks "so how are things?"....he never says anything and waits for my lead.
Gel, Sorry to hear you caught a case of the dontgivashititis that has been going around. HP had it, I got it, Karen got it, and now you. I caught it mid-August, the precipitating event was when MrsGGB started crying during ML because she didn't want to do it but felt like she had to in order to keep me happy. I recently started to recover from it, mostly by just "acting as if" and trying to focus on the things about her that I do love and trying to ignore the sex stuff. My natural horniness has still not returned, so in essence I have become the LD in our relationship. Our frequency is down and most of the time I am forcing myself to be into it. I'm not sure if there is a complete recovery or not. I've settled into being comfortable, but not necessarily fulfilled, KWIM? I hope you pull out of it quickly.
It's really kind of interesting to me right now....I've been withdrawing from my H for the last several weeks...and NOW he is beginning to notice. Actually I don't think it's so much that he didn't notice initially, but in the past I've snapped out of this behavior fairly quickly....now, I'm simply not. I have never withdrawn from him for weeks on end.
In the past I would always force myself to conciously pull out of it within just a few days, this time...I simply don't have the the motivation to do that. So now, he's starting to do a few things....like last night he rubbed my back, which was a decent backrub for him, he actually put some effort into it...while I was sleeping. This morning...I get an "I love you & have a great day e-mail" (something he virtually never does)....and this evening he calls me at home, and in a way was speaking gently to me....it almost sounded like he was trying to sound upbeat and loving on the phone.
These things are nice, I'm definitely not complaining...I simply do not trust them at this point. His pattern in the past has been to do things when he thinks I'm at my breaking point....then a few days, or weeks past...and he's right back to where he was. This time I simply don't trust it. I've been doing quite a bit of thinking about it and that's exactly what it comes down to now....I don't trust him....and that's why his behavior isn't snapping me out of it this time. Not to mention that all of the things I've mentioned have all happened within a 24-hr time frame. Definitely not enough time has passed for him to be doing any of these things on a fairly regular basis.
Naturally, the thought also crossed my mind that we will be going to MC tomorrow...and he's trying to chalk up some brownie points before we go in to our MC's office LOL. Sad, but true...he's done that before as well. He tries to make me happy right before we go in to talk to her.
Anyway...these are just some thoughts I wanted to jot down before I forgot.
Just got information in the mail today on my upcoming trip to London & Venice....if nothing else puts me in a good mood besides my son...that'll do it!!!
Todays MC session was a bit tense. Our MC, smart woman that she is, quickly picked up on the fact that I've basically shut down....not like it wasn't fairly obvious. She asked her normal "so how are things with you two?" to which my H gave his normal speech "well we've been really busy...." and named of a half dozen things that are always going on in our lives as excuses for not doing the things that she's suggested we do.
I guess, I must have made a face when he was doing that because she quickly looked at me and asked how "I" was doing...so I told her, "I'm numb, I'm not myself and right now I cannot seem to force myself to put effort into ANYTHING." So naturally she asked me to elaborate on that. I explained that as of the last couple of days in particular that I could see my H was trying to make some efforts but that even when I would conciously tell myself I needed to do something to validate his efforts....I couldn't seem to force myself to do it, it was as if I simply feel like lead.
She recognized that right now I'm not in a good place....and of course asked me why I've withdrawn so I told her...."I'm exhausted". I've spent years working on our issues and right now I have nothing left in me to put out there. That doesn't mean I don't see his efforts, I do...but I don't trust them. Part of me wants to give my H the benefit of the doubt that this time he'll keep up the efforts, but then part of me looks back in our history and sees all the times he made efforts short-term when I got upset and then stopped after a few days. So as much as I want to trust his efforts, I don't.
She also asked me if what he's putting forward now, if this is all he can do, is this something I can live with...considering all the other things that we have in our M that are good that in her view balance out. I told her that is something that I've been thinking very hard about, but that right now I'm not ready to answer. I didn't say this to her but I truly feel that if I answer "yes" to that at this point he will stop trying. If I answer "no", he'll give up as well. At this point, since I'm not yet willing to give in on trying....I'm not going to answer that question, it's just simply one where I feel a catch-22.
I reiterated to him one more time that ever since we married.....he stopped putting effort into us. His assignment this week now? She's actually told me to do no work on us, but his assignment is to court me again. This somewhat surprised me.
So now he's made plans for this weekend, we'll have to see what this weekend brings.
I'm not going to answer that question, it's just simply one where I feel a catch-22.
Gel the way you answered this question by stating you were not ready to answer it was wonderful. Sometimes when we are emotionally drained we make decisions that are not quite what we want. I am glad you recognized this not many of us do until it is a little late.
Hang in there girl. I hope your weekend is good. Though I doubt one weekend will change much for you and your feelings of trusting it will last. But maybe it will be a baby step.
