Dear Kim, Thanks. I hear you. I know that I seem like "pursuing" but not to the great extent that you have in mind. Other than the initial 3 days after I came back from Country X, I WAS bugging him with texts of staying with him at the hotel. But after his text of "knowing that he'll do the right thing", I've tapered off my texts, and just confined to the daily updates on the boys.(Adhering to the LIGHT on the boys, with little GREY bits on myself).
he will answer you but is not initiating like he did before. H left for America for a work trip last Friday, and is still there. Roaming calls are pretty expensive. So, it is rather difficult to have long convos. He's also with a client (I believe.. think OW is busy with some budget meeting at this time of the year..)
don't be so available. Don't think this is that applicable at the moment. Our time difference is like 14 - 16 hours (since he is jetting across from the west to east and back to west coast of the states) and the only time is a small time frame whereby the boys are up and about, and when H is not with his client. Also, I am off-work for one week (long Muslim holidays) and is "chained" to the boys, so, he does know that even if I am OUT, I will most probably be with the boys...so NO threat there anyway.
I bet you are not having phone s@x anymore Had the real thing last Thursday before he left for the States .. plus don't think I would be able to enjoy any phone s@x when my mind is thinking about the $$$ on the bills. LOL
accepting of OW and waiting for him, I don't think that is healthy Don't worry about this... 1) If he is scr@wing OW, whether I like it or not, he is going to do it. So, I am not going to throw tantrums about this and PUSH him away to OW. I also feel that at this moment, I cannot "draw the line" about OW. So, I am going to ACT AS-IF that there is NO OW. and go about like business-as-usual. 2) No, I am not "waiting" although it may seem like it. As H is living in a different country, it makes it easier. I still get together with friends (ours,mine etc), have a job, go pamper myself blah blah blah... 3) Healthy? I don't feel it being un-healthy at the moment. It's a test of patience between OW and I. As long as H and I have consistent good contact, I know she will start pestering him about a D (and I know H is still very unsure about everything) ...(see deb's post)
KDU - I have thought it over. And I think I need to take this route. I will continue to do this till after H comes back for his trip, for at least another week and see how it goes. Besides, alot of our phone calls revolve around convo about the kids anyway.... Thanks for your thoughts!
Still calm sea.... Saturday AM. Tried calling H (for boys to talk to him) but couldn't get through so sent him a text about this. He did call back after a couple of hours. I was upbeat and cheerful when I mentioned about the difficulty in connecting the call, and he added he had problems calling too. He spoke to S5 for a bit, and when S5 finished, I said that I wanted to speak, but S5 killed the call. I called H back, and he said that he heard me and was trying to call me back. Anyway, told H "cheerfully" that S8 sent him an email, and to reply his reply. H was quick to say that he would. Didn't text H at night.
This morning (Sunday), got a text from H at an ungodly hour of 5 am. He said that he was boarding the plane and would see me in a few days (no, I didn't respond to this text.) ...whatever that means. I have to say that I am in quite a confusion state of yoyo-ing. But will STOP all the funny thoughts that's going in my head, and just take one day at a time...and live the present on a daily basis....think that's better. Have to stop looking back, as well as looking forward. Just concentrating in being CHEERFUL, UPBEAT and POSITIVE for the present....
Yoyo well even though it was a risk writing what I wrote and you didn't agree with it can I just say that your next post sounded alot better. You sounded more in control than I have seen from you for awhile. So I would like to think it achieved something.
You seem to be doing well and don't worry I want bother you with negatives anymore, it was just my opinion but was obviously wrong so sorry about that. Anyhow keep up whatever works for you.....Goodluck....>Kim
Journalling... Sunday PM - Had dinner with MIL, and we had a long talk. She was very supportive in whatever decision that I take. She even said that I should ask H for money. Make sure he gives me blah blah blah. There was also a rumour that H has another OW in Country X. I have to admit that at first, I was hyper-ventilating...later, I calmed down and thought to myself..1) I can't control that 2) if that is true, the original OW cannot be THAT important. My MIL heard it from my SIL which in turn heard it from H's ex-coworker. Anyway, after thinking a little bit more (okay, analysing?? ) I doubt about the OW2, H did tell me about this lady and that she took him around Country X when he moved there, they had dinner. H also told me that she's quite pretty blah blah. SO, I think it's just that ppl hear bits and pieces and blow things out of proportion. So, after I've calmed down and breath I am still gonna ACT AS-IF that all is OK. Still gonna be cheerful and upbeat. Why want to accuse him of something else and incur the wrath?? No point listening to HEARSAY and ASSuming the worst... (Oh...this ex-coworker also told my SIL that my H is very very serious with the OW, and my H is already separated from me and ready to D me to marry her....oh well...let's just see...)
Monday AM Got a text from H at the ungodly hour of 2.00 AM. Telling me that he has just arrived in Country Y and will be there for a day. And I am to contact him on his other phone, as his normal phone is kaput. At 7.40 am, H called me. I answered very cheerfully, Me: How come you are up so early? H: No, it's not early..it's already 7.40 am Me: But you got in late last night, right? How come you didn't sleep longer? H: I haven't even slept. Anyway, I may come back either later today or tmrw to do some stuff. Me: Okay..but I won't be around though. I've got to drive to my work site tmrw morning. H: Driving? ALone? Me: Yeah H: How come? Me: New directive. No more flying... H: Can't you get someone to go with you? Me: Don't think so. H: And you are coming back when? Me: Thurs or Friday. H: Not at night, I hope. Me: Don't think so. I would be afraid to drive at night too. H: Anyway, when are you guys going to Phuket? Me: Ermm.. 25th to the 28th. H: Okay. I'll call you later. Me: Okay. Bye. So, all in all, I was cheerful and "normal". I am glad that I didn't have the 'rumour stuff' trickle down to my moods this morning. H was also very upbeat in our tele-convo. I have to continue to ACT AS-IF and live in the present and on a minute-by-minute basis and not let my mind wander to the past nor the future...
When boys were ready, S8 called his phone. No answer. SO, I left him a text "Nothing...Boys just wanted to talk to you". S8 and S5 are starting to really feel that something is funny...with the father not around.... But they just can't really pin-point it. My friend said that S8 is showing some aggresive behaviour in school. And S5 made a comment the other day "my daddy don't love his wife and his children, that is why he went far away". I had to assure him that his daddy loves him alot and just had to be away for work. *sigh* Just have to monitor my boys..
Great work Yoyo not listening to those rumours or not letting them get to you. Very wise. Why do people think they have to share these snippets with you?
Sad to here your boys are having a rough time. They will be ok, but it is hard when you hear them say things like that.
Yoyo - keep up with your current mindset. The way you handled that conversation with MIL was so good nothing like the old YoYo and you didn't bring it up to H which is something you would have done in the past so that is a real 180....Well done......KDU
You guys are right there...I think before, I would have brought it up with H and would have said something like "guess what I heard...." and I think that would not have gotten me anywhere other than backwards. I have to REMEMBER to sloooooowwww down my mouth, so that the words can go through my brains first before I speak. Also, the behaving without any pre-conceived ideas or outcome is very important... Will try to keep it all up... Hopefully things will get better and improve...
Yoyo, I am following your thread. Do you ever wonder if you are compromising with your self-respect? I don't mean to discourage you or bring out anything negative... I admire your courage.I am trying to get perspective for myself to deal with this...
Hi Yoyo - I really don't have any advice to give right now, just thought I check up on you. Okay, I do have something to add. I would follow what Kim had said about pursuing H. H did seem to puruse you when you were holding back. And about OW2, I really wouldn't worry too much about that. Like you said, it was just rumors, you don't have any concrete evidence there is a OW2 (let's just hope not ).
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Blueman/KDK - DOn't worry about me....I know I am not DBING...but feel this is the route that I must take...(As for self-respect...I have great respect for myself..don't worry...I also have great esteem for myself...I have a good job, look good, have great friends, and support...it's just that I hold great value over my marriage and family, that the little "negatives" that you guys feel that I am compromising...is really nothing. I really don't feel stepped-on like a doormat...
Journalling…
Monday PM: Had dinner and was chatting with an old friend of my mom’s when out of the blue, S8 came by and bit my breast! I was aghast and shocked!!!! Immediately, I gave him a whack and screamed at him and sent him away. Later, as I calmed down, I went to talk to S8. I was very calm and asked him if he knew what he did. And he solemnly said ‘Yes’ and I asked him if he knows exactly what he did. He answered with a “I don’t want to say. I know it’s bad”. We had more discussions on this, and S8 was sobbing and said “I don’t know… I know something is missing. I don’t know what it is”. I finally asked “Are you missing your daddy?” And he said “Yes. I miss my daddy. I want him to call me everyday and see me every two weeks”. At his moment, he was sobbing quite uncontrollably. I tried to calm him down, and tried calling H. NO ANSWER on his mobile. After numerous tries. I just sent him a text “Call me now”. And he did call about 5 min later. I spoke to him calmly and told him that S8 is starting to miss him, and think he doesn’t know how to express it, and is coming out in all sorts of weird ways…for one, biting my boob tonight. I passed the line to his son, and S8 was like sobbing into the phone to H. Later, I handed the line to S5 to talk and S5 just ended the call without handing it back to me. H called again and just told me that he would come over to see the boys the next day. After talking to H, S8 did calm down and was relatively cheered up. I am rather concerned by this show of aggressive behaviour tonight. For one, S8 was NEVER one to bite…even when he was younger. (S5 – yes..used to bite ppl for fun when he was younger). And Two, S8 VERY VERY well know that that’s considered “private” and it’s a BIG NO NO..and yet he did it. I may have to find a child psychologist on hand..in case this gets worse. *sigh*
Ten minutes later, I got a text from H “Tell him everything will be ok. Nite Nite”. I didn’t reply to this. 45 minutes later, got another text from H “Just read S8’s mail. Feel lousy now. That mail and him crying really hit me. Talk to you tomorrow. And I love you too. Don’t worry. Nite nite”. I replied “This is just a thought, but of course up to you. You could stay with the boys tonight at our house. 3 of you sleeping together. The boys will be thrilled if you throw in a visit to the fun fair. You can use my car. Love Wifey” (I would be away for work on Tuesday) H then replied “If all goes well, I need you to come to Country X in the next 2 to 3 weeks to look for school for the boys. I’ll call you tomorrow to talk about this. Love you too…” Didn’t reply to this too. I have to say that I felt a little sentimental about these this text, but was quick to tell myself that this could be just another empty talk. Plus…he used the IF word…so, things could always NOT go well. *sigh*
Tuesday: H called me up about 7.40 am. Told me that he had just arrived, and will do his stuff and then get the boys from my mom’s and take them for lunch. Inquired about my whereabouts (I just started on my drive to my work site). Talked a little bit about S8. I told him that friends are saying that S8 is showing some aggressive behavior and could be that he was missing his dad., and didn’t know how to express in a proper manner. H also said that he won’t be staying the night. He has a flight back to Country X later today. And H tried to “redeem” himself of not being able to stay with the boys by telling me that he’ll buy the boys PSP. I was quick to say No. As it is, I have trouble prying him off his PS2 and computer games and the gameboys, and I don’t need another …. Then H okay, he won’t. Then we said our byes.
About an hour later, H called me on my mobile again. He was already at my mom’s place (my parents are away). Told me that the queue at the registration office was mega long, so he decided to defer that to later. H mentioned that he’s brought back the portable DVD player for the boys, and had bought a Polo Tee for my dad from his recent trip to the States. H then said he spoke to S8 and he is fine. Watching telly. S8 told him that “I’m getting crazy. I don’t know why”…H coax him further and S8 told him that friends has been teasing him at school. H further told me that he gave S8 some advice and S8 started laughing. H said that he would take the boys out for lunch. H then told me that he would need to go to London for a week long course at the end of the month…course starts 28th. Well, I was gonna ask him if he wanted to join us on our Phuket holiday…just as well I didn’t…he couldn’t have been able to make it anyway. We chatted about this impending trip, and I was trying to sound positive by saying “this is good.” I know it sounds lame, but couldn’t find anything else nicer to say.
At about 2.00 pm… H called again. Told me that one of his best pals has invited the boys and I to his baby’s party this Saturday. Told him Okay. Said he bought “Bionicles” for the boys (yup!! Trying to buy love with stuff??!!!? Soothe his own guilt??) I asked him what time his flight was… and he said “later this evening. I’ve asked your mom’s friend to take me to the train station.”
At about 6.30 pm. Called H on his mobile. Inquired about his flight…and he said that he’s already in Country Y, and will be flying off to Country X about 8 pm. Asked about my whereabouts again, and then he was like “I got to go…I got to go..” don’t know rushing to where… I did send him a text about 7 pm, which had nothing to do with us…just gave him a piece of news about his company….no reply. Sent him Did a "test call" about 9.50 pm and there was a ring. I quickly hung up, and knew that he couldn't be on the plane on the way back to Country X.... I have to say all sorts of things went over my mind, ASSuming the worst...about H with OW etc etc... I calmed myself down, and sent him a text "What time is your flight? Or r u flying off tmrw? Anyway, just had a massage, going to bed now. Nite nite. Take care. Btw, did you call the boys to wish them good night? Love Wifey" No reply from H...
About 3.30 am on Wednesday, got a text from H "Just woke up. Jet lagged. Spoke to S8 last night"
About 7.50 am, H called me. H: Still sleeping? Me: Yeah...sort of just woke up. H: Have a flight to catch this morning. The flight last night was sooo full. Didn't manage to fly last night. Had to stay in the airport hotel. Me: Oh... H: Anyway, I just want to tell you that I will be registering the boys at the schools these few days... Me: I thought the school is full? H: Yeah..but still have to do the registration.. Me: Oh ( I know..I sound like a dummy) H: Well, I have more or less decided okay? Besides, you are not giving me a choice, right? Me: Well, I just don't want you to make the wrong decision. H: What makes you think that choosing her will be the wrong decision. Me: Blah blah blah...are you gonna get angry now? H: Do I sound angry? ANyway, I just have to think of an exit strategy. Me: You haven't told her? H: No. Anyway, I've more or less decided. (WHat's with this more or less business???) Me: Will she be okay? I Had a dream last night that some woman went to school and grabbed S5. H: She won't. She's more afraid of you doing something. Me: I know I won't. But my mom is dying to do something if you do go to her... (I know this is like a threat...) H: Anyway, Will you have a job in Country X? Did you talk to your boss? Do you want to talk to your boss? Or do you want to wait? Me: My boss will be away these few days.. I'll see when to talk to him. We said our byes..
Then our barrage of text exchanges.. Me: Anyway, you can't live without my w*t tongue and c**t. Anyway, can the spare room be converted to a home office? Love Wifey. H: Might move to a bigger house IF all is ok. (What's with this IFs again with these WAS???) How would you know that she doesnt have a w*t c**t as well? You are such a horny girl. Me: WIth my raging hormones, I am unbeatable in the horny & w*t c**t department. Besides, my c**t is custom-sized to fit your sh**t. H: Well, lose a bit of weight and you will be perfect. But i have to say you are really f**k of my life. Had a dream about two men b**ging you last night. Made me really horny. Me: Ha ha ha... well, your two men will have to remain a dream. Don't think I can manage that. H: (Here is some mismatch...because H was also texting the same time...) I'm not concern for myself. I'm more concern for her feelings than anything else. Like i said, we do have plans and now with one stroke, i have to strike it off. Me: Sorry to say but when play with fire, someone is going to get burned. Sorry to say that it would either be her or boys&me. As you said that I didn't give you any choice, maybe you could use me as your exit strategy. Tell her your wife is screaming, ranting and raving like crazy. And would go scream at her work place, go to her house and announce to the neighbours..(actually, this happened to a guy at PQR company..) H:She knows you have class and won't do that. Me: Class or no class...when push comes to shove...who knows what a woman can do. Anyway, leave the exit strategy to you. Surely, your training at P and Q companies would be helpful in coming up with strategies. I wish you strength and courage to tell her. Don't be scared, okay? Lots of Love, Wifey and boys. xxx"
This latest text just got delivered (H was on the plane...) so, I have yet to receive a reply on that... As I can see...
POSITIVES… * He is “realizing” impact on his kids * H saying ILY twice * H contacting more frequently * H feeling “at ease” to go to my Mom’s house, and using her car * H buying a gift for my dad. * H feeling “at ease” to ask my mom’s friend for favors * H not adverse to my continuing contact with HIS friends. * Our convo has been pleasant so far… * H is "wanting" us to join him in Country X * H thinking of an exit from OW (is this really true??)
From what I see now, OW may be coming up with funny tactics to stop this breakup between her and H. She may be so distraught and be the damsel in distres.. threaten suicide? What happens then? What's the normal reaction of the WAS when this happens??
WHAT's the advice from wise DBers??
One Day at a TIME!!! Hopeful...but a bit cautious....
think OW is busy with some budget meeting at this time of the year..)
.. plus don't think I would be able to enjoy any phone 
).