VJ - I do see the pattern too. And I feel like I am stuck in this mess. I would love to destroy all her stuff...but my mom was kinda concerned about it being TOO obvious. LOL..Yes, I was on the phone consulting my mom what I should do...I was gonna get rid of all of them, but mom suggested otherwise...and because I had to put back the stuff into its place, I found the photos and get to see how ow looks like.
Journalling... After my last post...H called me at my mom's place...told me how the house looked like. Huge with big halls, big garden, big pool. Near to the International School...walking distance. Asked whether if I will get a car from my company blah blah blah. He spoke. I listened. H was like saying "I am telling you..." and I answered "Yes, I am listening". He got a little frustrated because I sounded so uninterested...probably because I was...as I have been duped too many times. I left my mom's and came back home alone. Had to have travel out of town for work tomorrow so left the boys to sleep over at my mom's.
Was sorting out some accounts when H called. Started off pleasant then we "argued" abit around the Me wanting to call ow. H sort of blew-up again and I said that I would put down the phone if he is going to be angry. He actually shouted at me "Can you please SHUT UP and listen to me?? As I told you, I don't like to be pushed in the corner. Don't you think that me coming back to you without being forced is better than being forced? Now, you are not forcing me, if I come back, I am really back, ok? If I am breaking up with her, can I do it my way? Can't it be how it's been like for the last few weeks? I will sort it out. Just let it be. Blah blah blah" I answered basically the way as per my emails... and reconciling would be difficult, and I can't be walking in eggshells all the time. H: At least we try to do it. Don't you think that its better to try than not to" Me: Yes. H: So, can you please leave it to me.And not do anything? Don't tell your boss that you don't want the job in Country X. Me: *sigh* My mentor did ask me what happened to my January deadline...why throw in the towel now when its only two months to go *sigh* H: Yeah..you said till January. I will sort it out by then. If I don't, you can call her or do whatever you want. Me: Okay. Maybe we should not talk about US. Just about the boys and other stuff then.
H then proceeded to tell me more about the house. Want to move, as the current house (the one selected by ow) is too small to accommodate four of us...everywhere he goes, he sees the boys stuff all over the place. Number of rooms...blah blah blah, the rent, the number of ppl required to upkeep the house, that we have to move all our furniture there, boys can have their own room each, blah blah blah... nice house...blah blah...want us to move there soon....and then he said "you don't want to listen right?" Me: It's nice to fantasize about the house...but you know, I've been hopeful and disappointed soooo many times. H: I know. I understand. Me: I just want you to know that if you do come back and work on our marriage. It will NOT be easy. There will be trust issues etc etc... H: I know. Even if I dont' do anything, and stare at you, I have to do it, right? Me: Huh? What do you mean? H: As in you not allowing me to go out, and not letting me out of sight...so just sit and stare at you. I will have to do it right? Believe me, girl (he's been calling me that for ages...18 years maybe??) Once is enough. It will never happen again. I was quiet and then changed to subject to our friend who had just given birth to a 8 lb baby boy!! Then we talked about my work trip tomorrow...problems at work, and then as we were ending the call, he said "have a massage when you are there".
So...what do you guys think? Same pattern, right? Talk talk talk...no action. I guess PATIENCE is the key here....after all ...it's only two months....
Yoyo: I don't really see the pattern (maybe I'm missing it..LOL). However, it does look like once you've stood your ground and actually told H that you've had ENOUGH of this drama bullsh!t he came reeling back in. H started seeing the strong independent Yoyo and began to realize that he could lose you now for good. I noticed there was no talk about sex, but there was serious talks about R.
I would continue doing what you are doing right now. Let H get the ball rolling on the housing and schooling situation (which appears he has); I think this shows a positive turn in your sitch.
As far as contacting OW, I don't know if I would do that right now. I did that once and all I heard were the lies he was telling her about me and she heard the lies he was telling me about her. So nothing really came out of this confrontation other than misery on my part.
And I know what you mean when you saw the pics of OW. What is it that they see attractive in the OP? The OW in my sitch is very plain, kinda masuline, no curves, no hair style, totally opposite of me. I guess it's the "attention" they give/gave our H that made them alluring...lol.
Stay strong, positive, and patient.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Hey Yoyo~ still paddling along on the not too calm seas
So...what do you guys think? Same pattern, right? Talk talk talk...no action. I guess
Yep ~ seems exactly how I see it. It is almost as if he gets scared that you will upset the status quo so says what he thinks you want to hear ~ and then does nothing. I mean how difficult is it to tell ow it's over.
Mind you I am saying this as someone with a fairly rational mind, and lets face it this is not where a lot of WAS are right now, Mr Yoyo included.
Yoyo I don't have any advice right now, except look after yourself and your boys as I think Mr Yoyo will be spinning his spin for a while to come.
I do notice though of late, he is trying to put it all back onto you. It is all "I have told you.... And if only you....". So unfortunately, I don't think he is ready to take responsibility for this himself quite yet. It is a shame there wasn't a wake up pill you could give him
and lets face it this is not where a lot of WAS are right now, Mr Yoyo included. There is.. my yoyo - she comes around as soon as I say.. I quit! and tells me all the things i want to hear... it happened 3 times now... now i am wondering....really wondering ! she blames it on me for going back (i pressurize her? as soon as she comes close?) well... mine is 4 months.. yoyo.. urs is more than 8 months.. right? well.. there is pattern.. again cause i am not capable of going complete dark... she comes around couple of times and i call her few times after that... and it breaks.. best thing for me is i am gone for 5 weeks to different country... have told her that things might be over between us if she doesn't go with me ( not a threat.. explained to her how it can get complicated etc... ) well... my guess is either she doesn't care.. or she is taking me too damn lightly....
Whats ur case Yoyo? looks like he cares... but...? so..
KDK, Kismet, Blueman... Thanks for dropping by to give me your thoughts..Appreciate it.
contacting OW KDK - Reasons for contacting ow is now not so much of CONFRONTING her, but more of passing on the responsibility of taking care of H's welfare to her. If that's what he wants, the last thing that I could do to help him is to let her know that her lavish spending is putting him in financial strain. And since she LOVES him soooo much, then she should HELP him to straighten up. I know it sounds like I am giving up my H to the ow...but I can't think of any other way out.
I guess it's the "attention" they give/gave our H that made them alluring...lol. To be fair to the ow (urrghh..can't believe I actually said this..) she is NOT bad looking. Just that I expected someone who is va-va-vooom. She looks quite attractive with her make-up. But without it, really really common and indistinctive. I can't even remember how she looks like now ..without her makeup. WIth makeup , yes, I can recall her features...Have to say very very different..with and without makeup. Did wonder how much of makeup she put on her.. The eyes especially... fake eyelashes? Drawn double eyelids? Eye-shadow ??? I think my H's drawn to her because she was seen as a "catch"??? And it boosted his ego. And I think she fulfills his need for ADMIRATION. You know how we take our spouse for granted? On a normal day, we just aren't the cheerleaders that we could be...
Same pattern Kismet - Yes. Yes.. He'll be off with ow, and then when I go dark or wanting to throw in the towel, he comes and feeds me with stories, and then disappoints me. And I give up, and he comes and feeds me with roughly the same stories, and then disappoints me again. (The cycle starts again... H just told me that the house that he had seen - the one from my last post- has been taken, and he's very disappointed. MY FOOT!!!)
have told her that things might be over between us if she doesn't go with me Blueman - Hate to say this...but it DOES sound like a threat....
Whats ur case Yoyo? looks like he cares... but...? Have NOOOOO Idea...
Journalling... Wednesday... Am out-of-town for work. H texted me and informed that he's transferred the $$ to my account for this month's expenses. I replied "Ok. Thanks. Appreciate it. Raining cats and dogs and flooding in few areas. Afraid might be stranded here" H: Better not. Otherwise no Phuket. I didn't reply. But later, I did text him about our phone bills. SOme text exchanges with regards to the phone. Later, after work, returned back to the hotel. Signal reception was really bad. Couldn't receive anything. So, I've gone DARK unintentionally since I was non-contactable.
This Morning, THursday. Got into the out-of-town office. Logged onto MSN. H texted. H: What happened to your phone? Me: Bad reception. Couldn't get a signal. Then I proceeded to tell him about a dodgy visit by the hotel maintenance which of course I didn't open the door. H: Please be careful. And I went on to give more details..and H Imed H: The house has been taken. I am so disappointed Me: Why did you go and see it then? (I was actually rolling my eyes and shaking my head at this point already. All the talk ...talk ...talk... and then all for what???) H: They told me yesterday. Me: Maybe it was not meant to be (still shaking my head and roling my eyes...) H: We'll see. Got to go. BYe. Me: BYe.
SO, you see..the pattern cycle has completed a cycle already. Me giving up, H sweet-talk and H disappoints again. I really am gonna just F**k it for the time-being. Afterall, am taking my two boys to Phuket tmrw. Will be back on Monday. H would be London for a week then... so, long distance..we won't really be in-touch.
Sometimes, giving up and going on our separate ways would be so much easier...don't you think? Like I said in my previous posts...it will be status quo unless I do something drastic...and that would be to CALL ow. But since my imposed deadline was end January...I will keep to it. It's only 2 months... I can wait 2 months...afterall, I've been patient for 8 months..what's another 2? Then, I will call ow. Besides, H GAVE me permission to call her up then ...if things have not been sorted out by then..
Few things that I want to write in my journal but forgot..
On the Monday that we left Country X, boys and I were in the car. S5 was rather chatty.. S5: I want daddy to come back and live with us. Me: You tell him yourself. S5: Why? He won't listen to you? He will listen to me? Me: Yea..I guess. S5: Then why did you marry him?? Me: (LOL and didn't know how to answer him) S5: I think my daddy only listens to his BAD conscience. He probably thinks that stealing is RIGHT! Me: (LOL) I tell you...when you look at S5 and the way he behaves, he's like a baby...but the things that come out from his mouth amazes me many times!!!
Monday Night: As I was washing up to get ready for bed... I can't believe this myself...I actually had a sudden feeling of FEELING SORRY for ow!!! If H has been feeding her all sorts of lies from the onset of the R, she is also a victim? But then I quickly MOVE that thought out of my mind because she still knows that he is married, regardless of the stage of his marriage. Correct? Even if H is very very unhappy in our M, he is still MARRIED, and she should have known better to get involved with a married man.Correct?
Yoyo mmmm it's like looking in a mirror and seeing my own R. It's true they do blame us and will not admit guilt not fully anyhow and anything they can put on us they will just to make them feel better. They will lie and say whatever it takes to keep dancing between 2 people. They may split up with one and then go back and then split up and then go back over and over. I have been thinking that things were improving with my H and I but you know what I am starting to think they will never be.....You do have time so just see what happens until Jan......
Hi guys... haven't been posting as I've gone on o short break with my two boys....
Journalling.... Friday... was rather busy...last minute packing, and went to see good friend who had just given birth. Then went to the airport for flight to Phuket. Just before reaching the hotel, got a phone call from H and asked if we have arrived blah blah blah. When I looked at my phone, he did send me an earlier message to ask if we've arrived. Later, some text exchanges between us, and then he mentioned that the house was not taken after all, and he has confirmed it with his HR department, and that he has couriered the application forms for the boys' school in Country X. The next few days, we didn't really talk much. Just short exchanges when he called to talk to the boys.
Arrived home yesterday (Monday)... saw that the package with the application forms did come...as he mentioned. I texted "DHL package received. WOn't bother with the forms. Am soooo tired already". Not long later, H called. We talked and I started crying. At one point, H asked "Is your period here? Why are you like that?" Anyway, I told him that "you confirming the big house doesn't mean anything. You said that you were looking for a house 3 months ago...turns out that she was the one looking for the house. And so what if it's bigger than the one now? She could still move there, more rooms so that her sister, her brother, her mother, her father all could still go there and stay. Blah blah blah..." Frankly, I am sooo tired...Our few convos..(not in order) H: Okay, I won't call and talk to you about this. The next time I call, will be asking you to move. H: I will make things right. Just leave things as it is, and I will sort it out. Me: I have never felt so hopeless as now. H: I thought the worse is over?? Me: This is not me talking..as I am feeling sooo hopeless. My mentor says that I should ask you "We are at A and we want to go to B. I want it to be a straight line, and you probably want to go via a curly wurly line. How about you tell me your plan. I will just listen, not interupt, but I want to know it". H: That's a fair question. I will get back to you. Me: you've not thought about it? H: I have...just got to structure it to lay it out nicely for you. Me: That means you've not thought about it..blabh blah blah. H: (H started to get angry)...blah blah blah...I am talking nicely to you, and you are pushing and pushing and pushing.. Me: Why are you shouting at me? I don't want to talk to you anymore...blabh blah.. H: Blah blah blah.. Okay..this went on for abit..but we calmed down a bit and said our goodbyes.
This morning...no real proper contacts...except about our phone bills over IM.. *sigh* same ole same ole.. H IMed: Don't show too much of your boobs this Friday...they are still mine!!! (told him that I will be going out dinner with girlfriends this friday in my new plunging neckline dress) H: Promise me you won't talk to you boss yet about the job. H: Don't buy the phone (My phone is whacko and H wants to buy me a phone!!!)
What do you all think? I am so whacked up with my emotions that I can't think... I am trying to go dark but it's not really working. H has "promised" to not call and talk about the house and boys' schooling until things are sorted out...but we have continued to talk.... Perhaps this week will be better as H will be flying off to London tonight...
Should I actually fill up the application forms for the schools??? Or hold on until H has sorted out with ow? At the moment, he is still "involved" with ow... I am such a mess...
