Hello Sally and the other Long Term Affair Members:
Yes, I too stumbled accross this thread on a dreary Nov. chicago day and it definitely caught my attention too. I believe I can join this club, along with others I have posted on. I also share many same sitch.'s with you all.
H early 50"s--definitely MLC Me,, turn 50 in 2 days, but we will keep that to ourselves Have WAH with OW, can I say ho on these boards? H and OW together with PA I am sure going on 2 years our children, D 21 ( lives on her own), 1 son 19, home with me. Seperated now 10 months, my H's ho also lives several hours away, but I know he manages to see her and her 3 children at least for few days every couple weeks. I still can"t understand how a H who is almost finished raising 2 great kids wants to start with 3 new ones ages 10 thru 14 ! How do others with "grown" children cope? I never dropped the bomb to my children about the Ho, my H blurted it out himself in a moment of guilt.
Sadly my D will hardly speak to her dad now, and I will always strive to help them both come to peace with themselves. I am pretty much giving D space and time to open to me at least. I know my H very involved with the OW "s children.( she's divorced, I know very little about her) I know my H is very much "on the fence", very guilty, depressed, and of course "loves me, but not in love with me anymore"
I have been posting on MLC board, but feel I should come here because I am still so hung up on the OW and her controlling my thoughts, I know I have lots of work to do on that. Slowly I have become stronger through this chaos, and know you will too, just for the fact that we are here and making it this far. Day to day is ok too.
Sally, I read some of yours and the sitch's here, I know you have already met so many supportive, kind people here and also so sorry for yours and the pain it brings for so long. I am also M now 26yrs. I still have many" feel sorry for myself" days, but at least look back to Feb. when the bomb first dropped and can see how far I've come. I do keep coming here , even if I don't always post. I get support from all the brave patient ones here. I think I did better with spring, the warm weather and concentrated on my yard, the sun and the garden. I am not a winter person, but determined to find something else to throw myself into. Manybe some smaller projects would be more realistic?
At first GAL was a mind game to me, seeming so fake and not real. Slowly it has helped my self esteem and H is just starting to notice some changes. I do know for sure, H notices my subtle actions and changes, so MUCH more if I do not speak of them. I am now not emailing, calling, or initiating any communication first. H in last few months is making more initiative, very slowly and cautiously on his part, and I try not to expect much, because I know for sure the Ho is still in the picture. I am coming to terms with being his friend when H does come home and it has made these visits increase on his part and definitely less tense compared to the poor victim I first was. For the longest time H said nothing, but recently speaks of me being "different" "did I hold you back?" I relied on H to do most of the "manly" stuff around the house, and now H may occasional do me a favor and pitch in, but am finding rewards in learning this manly stuff. I redid a BR and got to pick out the pictures I wanted, and hang them my way, even if the nail was too big and cracked the plaster a little--no one will ever know--but i did it myself! Power tools are pretty cool too. Am sure you are also finding so many things you can do ow and should be proud of yourself for. I get the tv remote all to myself, I get to eat popcorn for dinner if I want, and have the bathroom all to myself! Other down days, it's missing snuggling on the couch watching tv or cooking together, and talking together in the bathroom--so it depends on my mood as I'm sure you notice the same.
Another point this thread brought up was how it is easier to DB and be their friends when they are not home. I totally agree, this time slipping away without any R talks is really wearing and I see so little progress. The occasional "baby steps" are interchangeable with his running away and the ups and downs so many discuss here. I see his pain and saddness when H does come by and very hard to be his friend, part of me couple smack him, but mostly i want to hug him and pretend it never happened. Nothing worse though than a hug to your H when he has his hands to his side, or you get a gentle pat like the dog would get, so now leave the hugs up to him to start first.
I have just handwritten myself a huge letter that I intended to give H very soon. My letter was basically a journal of #1. Why I should let go and quit for my own personal wellbeing? vs. #2. Why I should be patient and give our 26yrs. more time. Just writing this letter helped me, I then decided to wait until few days after christmas, to make it easier on family, but now I just feel strong that I have this letter and my feelings all in writing that I get to be the one to decide if and when I speak them to him or give H this letter and then speak. I think for me just knowing I have "my letter " is empowering and may help you. Plus when I see things in writing and especially give it time it takes on different meaning. If nothing else I have learned patience, and would like to help all here by also just being here for anyone to ramble on to. I am not as expressive in my advise and words as so many here, but am known as a great listener, so anyone feel free to ramble on and know I will listen. A big hug to all who have allowed me to read their kind words and know we are all there for each other here.
OK- enough rambing on my part, please do so back anytime!
Hi JeanB. Thanks for joining in. I continue to be amazed at how many people have suffered through these long ther affairs. I, too have read many threads on the MLC boa4rds. That is when the light blub realy went off. I kept reading about my H in each of those threads. The "symptoms" of a MLC are pretty standard. I guess that has made me a bit more forgiving toward my H. I now know that there is nothing I can do or say to make him come back. It must be on his terms and in his time. I just wonder if I will want him back. Like you I tend to focus on the OW. It seems to be the main issue that we will have to overcome. I don't know if my H will ever really work on our M. He is so into himself right now it seems impossible that he will ever come around. He has been miserable for so long it has become a way of life for him. If and when our H's do come through this I believe they will be completely different people. But then, so will we! I think as I wright this that my H has traveeled to see OW. He has been gone all night and day and has not returned his D's phone call from last night. That is very unusual but not totally unexpected. Do you sometimes feel that there is nothing that he can do to that would surprise you? I have a hard time wondering why a divorced women would stick around a married man for too long. It seems the men are very reluctant to file for D. Why is that? Well, G2G pick up my D. God bless all of you wonderful people. Have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving. Even with our troubles we all have much to be thankful for. SallyG
Hi Spitfire, Thanks for checking in with me. I had a good Thanksgiving with my family and hope that you had a good holiday as well. It hs been a difficult few weeks here. My D is very angry with her dad but does not want to talk about it, at least not to me. Top of my list for tomorrow is to find someone that she is comfortable talking with. I know that anger eventually turns inward and becomes depression and that terrifies me in a teenager. H has been extremly distant and seems to want nothing to do with us at all. I am trying to continue DBing but have lost it a few times. I feel so hopeless when I do that sort of thing. I think I need to completely detach and go dark. It is so hard for me to do that when I see my D so angry and hurt and H does nothing to try to help her. You know the old saying, You can kick me over and over but when you hurt my children...look out. How do you continue to have the stamina and courage to go dark and hold on when everyone around you tells you that H will never change, That I can never trust him and that I should bite the bullet and file for D? I wish I had a crystal ball sometimes. Better yet I wish someone had offered a course in Mindreading 101 in college! I cannot for the life of me figure out what is going on inside H's mind. He has become a complete stranger to me.
How are you doing? The last post I read from you seemed so positive. Your H seems to be realizing what he is about to loose. Do you still see him making some effort to come back? Do you ever have second thoughts as to whether or not you want him back? You told me that your boys held a lot of resentment for their Dad. I wish there was a site like this for the children of these marriages. They are truly the biggest casulties. If anyone knows of a SAFE one out there please fill us in. If D had the support that I have found here I believe it might truly help her.
What are your plans for Christmas? I hope your boys will be home with you and that you can enjoy them and the season. I am beginning to understand why this time of year has the higest crime and suicide rates. I feel more empathy for those that go through this time of year with no family and friends than I ever did before. I have a few friends that are alone and plan to have them all over at some point during the holidays. We really can grow from the experience we are in and become better people for it. But the journey is really tough sometimes!
thanks for the welcome and hope your thanksgivings went well. Sally, I also have a D21, who does not speak to her dad, and she is on good terms with myself, but very silent about her dad and I. I know she is very hurt, sad, mad, etc. by the A, and I sometimes think she is mad at me for "putting up with him", even though she hasn't said it. Or our children may feel safe with us, the LBS, and feel safe to be angry or silent with us. I think I am going to continue to give her space and be there hopefully when she opens up. The sad part is, being that my dau. lives away, I have made small comments that I try to lead her believe that H and I are coming together, and I know that isn't right either, because who knows how this will all turn out. But I feel bad the 2 of them have lost an important relationship. They can talk superficial, but nothing past that. I'm hoping your children will also find peace with themselves, I'm sure they realizie you are someone who values M, commitment and love for them.
My thanksgiving was spent with my family, while my H refused to go to his side or mine. Fine with me.
Christmas is one holiday I can't wait to be over. All these happy jolly couples and families! Plus I have a mom who is elderly, with some chronic health problems and depression and would literally fall apart if she knew her precious SIL was with OW. So I keep her in her own world, and H is "kind" enough to visit together occasionally. I hate these lies!
I am closing in on a year, and know the A was probably for 2yrs. I know the time span for yourself is many years also. Was there ever a time when your H returned to repairing your M that you felt it was positive?
I am getting so tired of being down and seeing H so pathetically sad and sitting on the fence , unsure of "who to go to", I am going to write H a letter this week, but keep it to myself until I fine the right time, telling H that I can't continue enabling this OW to be in our lives. I am not going to use the big D word, but am going to say/write somehow convey the separation must be physically seperate residences, and I will be totally dark. Big decision for me is when to give it? soon? or wait til after Christmas? ( sorry, really just talking to myself) It seems like Christmas will be such a big lie, tense and just trying to get through. This decision to me has been long overdue. I think I am going to write my letter anyways, maybe post it to the board, to see how I sound, and keep it to myself, to give me strength, knowing I have a plan. I always do better having a plan? How about yourselves? I have tried everything in my DB powers, but in order for me to continue on I need to tell him this.
I think the limbo of his indecision, and my roller coaster feelings will just continue to crash if I don't. I've tried to DB and be patient for almost a year, and now I must make the detachment for my own PMA. We have been acting like estranged friends, tiptoeing around each other when H does come home, I find us just getting farther and farther apart, the silence of not even having the honesty to say any of how we feel is what is the worst. I am coming to realize I cannot get my own life, while this guy sits on his sad little fence.
Read something thought provoking:
Is it ever OK to look the other way? I am so thinking that this is enabling my H to continue his ambivalence and live in his own world. I know we are all different, and hope for all here to have the strength to continue to believe in themselves and do what is right for their individual R's. Those here on this thread seem to be strong and so patient,
Am thinking I can grieve for a loss of him, better than not having any path to choose, and allowing H to choose my path for me.
Hi Sally, Glad to hear from you. Thanksgiving was ok. I think these holidays are going to be tougher than I thought as I have been in kind of a funk since last Wed. I had my whole family over as was usual. I usually love Thanksgiving and have enough space here to have a crowd, so Mom and I put on a big spread for the rest of the crew. No H or ILs this year! My nephew is in the Army and currently in Baghdad and we all got to talk to him on T. so that was nice.
I'm not feeling so positive right now. Just kind of down in the dumps. I do worry a lot about my boys and how they are coping. S17 is now in counseling. He just started so we'll have to see if it helps. I know what you mean about getting upset with the Hs in how they treat the kids. They have no idea of the damage they are doing. And what really pisses me off is that sure as s*** I'll be blamed for "turning them against their dad". Never mind the fact that he has made little to no effort to connect with them. I had my c this am and she said something very interesting. We have talked in the past about my H's emotional underdevelopment. I gave him credit for being about 12 years old. She told me that actually he is really only about 2 as far as emotional development. Great! That explains a lot. H stopped by this morning to visit the ailing dog. I told him that he could drop by in the evenings or on the weekends if he'd like to also see the kids. He seemed fairly receptive??? I don't expect much. It's easy to visit the dog. He can't talk back and tell you what he thinks of you. Human,breathing, feeling, offspring are a whole different story. It's so sad to me that H is afraid to face his own children. It's so sad to me that I now see my H as a coward. I look at him and see a little boy in an aging man's body. (Wow, I think I'm detaching!)
I don't know what to say about what my H is thinking right now. I don't think he has any intention of coming back at this point. And as far as I'm concerned, he has a lot of work to do on his "issues" before we can even begin to tackle our issues. And I would NEVER agree to go back to the way things were before. THAT M is over. Most days I feel like that is the last thing on earth that will ever happen. I just don't think my H has the personal fortitude to face his demons. Some people never do, you know. They go through their whole entire life just avoiding and compensating and whatevering so they don't have to face it. And that's ok for them. As for me, I'm glad I went to c. I'm glad I have learned as much as I have about myself. My focus is to continue to work on myself, and to GAL.
I don't know what will happen at Christmas. Don't want to go there yet.
It would be great if there was a place for the kids to connect with each other. Unfortunately, they have lots of friends who are either in the midst of the same mess or have parents who are recently D. So, they do have some people to talk to..don't know how much of it they do though.
Well, gotta run. If you haven't checked out Strong and Sassy's Thread about what I've learned so far go take a peek. It's a pick me up.
Hang in there.
Spitfire23
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Hi Spitfire, It's so good to know someone out there cares! Thank you. It has been a strange few weeks for me. H has been hot and cold. We had a huge argument a week ago and didn't speak for a few days. Neither of us called the other. It is usually me reaching out to him to appologise. I know it was wrong to lose my temper. Anyway, it was precipitated with my meeting a man at a party who called and emailed me contstantly. Nothing more, although his emails did sound like there might be more! Well H found one of his emails while "checking something on my computer" and blew up. He accused me of all kind of horrible things. It was almost funny. It really was good to know that he cared enough to get angry. We talked for hours after our very angry outbursts and identified some of what we had been doing wrong...on both sides. Still, I didn't hesar from him for several days. I went out of town to visit his family and some of my friends. He stayed at our house with our Daughter. During those few days he said he saw the other man drive by and received several hang up calls. Maybe it woke him up to the fact that he is not the only one who can have another life. Whatever, he has been extremly kind and attentive. He has come to the house several times and has even ask me to go on a couple of trips during the next few months. I still do not completely trust him and sometimes wonder what he could be up to but for now I'm just enjoying the fruits of DBing! I am beginning to like myself much more knowing that I have some control over my own emotion. Even if I do slip every now and then at least those slips are getting fewer and further between.
How are you doing? Are you home for Christmas or off somewhere? We are staying home as my 27 yr old only has a few days off. Let me hear from you. You and your boys remain in my thoughts and prayers. Remember this IS the season of hope!
