Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Can Long-Term affairs be over come?

Hi,
I hope you don't mind me joining in. My h. has not been in what you'd call a long-term affair (only been about 6 mo.) but I can so relate to some of the other things you're talking about.

He has told hardly anyone that he moved out 3 mo. ago, and those he did tell do not know why. He is continuing to see OW and doesn't want to be married right now; he feels he missed out on other relationships because we married young.
I was so embarassed the other day. A good friend whom he used to work closely with called here, looking for my husband. He had NO idea my h. had moved out. I had to act like things were ok; I suggested he call his cell to reach him.
I know my h. is ashamed of his actions, and yet he isn't ready to stop what he is doing. It's like something has taken over his soul. I don't recognize him, and it's breaking my heart.
Although he denies it, I still believe there is love in there, somewhere. But he is bound and determined to live like this. For how long, I don't know.
I don't mean to hijack this thread; I just wanted to say hi and post what my situation is. I will follow along with yours closely to see how things progress.

Hi Hopefloats7,
Please don't apologise for being here. We are all in the same sad sitch. I am sorry for the pain I know you are going through right now. Your H may come around. Please, if you have not already, order some of Michelle's books. I have tayed out of my H's way...no phone calls, e-mails etc. He has called me several times just over this weekend and we even had a plesant dinner together Friday night. I may be a complete fool but I think he may be rethinking what his lifestyle may have cost him. I will wait and see as we have a mammoth amount of work to do before this R will ever be on solid ground again.I wish I could offer the wisdom to each of us to make our lives and marriages better but I am just as confused as we all are. I wake up every morning and ask God how in the world this could have happened. I only know that my faith, and letting go of the worry has given me a certain peace to get through this. Without it I would be totally destroyed.

My H first moved out 2 years ago. He was gone for 2 months but we were together nearly every day for dinner etc. He would leave and sleep in his apartment and I would see him the next night. It really wasn't so much of a seperation as a set up for a divorce that I am confident he and OW were planning.. I realise that now after confirmation from several lawyers. Be very careful and do not let him move back into your home until you are certain the affair is over and he comes back asking to work things out.
I learned tha my H was talking to and listening to the OW and anything I said or did was wrong. I was, and still am, the enemy. This time, I kicked him out and told him I wanted nothing to do with him until it was over with her. He has been completely different. My assertiveness may have gotten his attention this time. any way my advise to you is to talk to your friends and family. My wonderful 82 year old mother has been my best friend and biggest supporter through this round. I never told her before and wish that I had. I do not know what I would do without good friends and supportive family. If you have that, talk to them. Don't worry about what your H thinks or says to you about it. After all, he certainly has someone to unload on! At the least, come to these boards often as it will not take you long to find wonderful friends and suporters right here.

Hang in there. Keep busy and keep smiling.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Sally

Jabez,
Wow!!! That is frightening! Thank you so much for sending me that link. What is going on in this wold today?
Sally

Hi Sally, I am hoping to give you a little bit of hope.
My H is 41, I am 39 we have S9 together and I have S17 and D16. We have been together over 12yrs and M7.5.
He left in February claiming he was over it and didn't love me blah blah blah, came out in about April that there was an OW. She is 51 from his work and later found out they had been at it for 3yrs.

He set himself up in a caravan, I abused OW, I fought with H, I lashed out, I went close to a breakdown ended up on Anti-depressants, pursued, chased, nagged guilted him everything you name it I did it - ALL WRONG.
I then discovered DBing and wow what a difference, I thought I understood this DB thing and would try the different things they said and over time I thought I was doing fairly well and the more the process went on, I healed myself more and became more comfortable with things and then realised I was the most important person to me not my H and then I started acting differently. I believe this is when I truly started to DB correctly b/c I wasn't trying to control H or get reactions from him, everything I was doing was b/c I wanted to and it was going to serve me well.

About 2 weeks ago H and I went out for coffee as he had written me a letter, before going this day I had decided that I was done and was going to tell him. Anyhow after reading his letter, we had a great discussion and b/c I was in the mindset of not being back with him I told him that I didn't agree with something he said had been one of the reason's he left. This was he said I made him feel guilty whenever he went out. I told him that I never made him feel guilty b/c before he was having an affair he didn't seem to feel guilty when he went out and that was b/c he had nothing to feel guilty about but for the last 3yrs he has had something to feel guilty about and that's why he has felt guilt. Not through anything I did but his own guilty conscience. I also said that b/c he didn't have much spare time it would have been hard for him to get away from me to see OW as there was no ligitimate reason for him to do anything out of the ordinary and I said he would have resented me for him not being able to see OW and that she was probably putting pressure on him to see her more and making it seem unreasonable of me for him not having any spare time. This never bothered you before she was on the scene though. That's when i said I would not take the blame for his guilt when it was exactly what he should have been feeling if he had feeling for me and our M and I would be more upset if he felt no guilt as then it would show that he didn't care about me at all.

You know what after pointing that out to him he was astounded (can you believe that) b/c he had just realised that all that I said was completely true and that he had been looking at it from a different angle. He was amazed that he hadn't been able to see it the way it was (duh)anyhow he woke up to himself then and said he didn't want me out of his life. I told him I wouldn't be friends with him and that 9 months was a long time to wait for him and I wasn't prepared to wait any longer. It was time for me to get on with my life and find someone who truly appreciated me for me. I couldn't be friends with him b/c I had too many feelings for him and knew I still loved him, so in order to move on I needed him out of my love so I could properly get over him.

Well anyhow it's ended up that we are working on our M, we do not live together again yet but we are working on it all. OW is gone and boy was that fun b/c she texted me and him and went crazy for awhile as there is a bit of history with her and I as H was going from one to the other for awhile too.

So whether H and I will be a success story I am not sure, too early to tell but after a 3yr affair we are trying to fix it all so there is hope.

I hope this helps a little I know it was a long post but trust me it would have been alot longer if I put everything in so I have tried to reduce it down alot....Goodluck....KDU

Hi SallyG,
Just checking in with you to see how it's going. I've had a very strange week so far. Sadly, on Monday I was told that our family dog is terminal with doggie lymphoma. It was crushing news. We love him a lot and I was just so sad for my boys. One more thing to deal with at a very
stressful time. We are trying to enjoy our dog until he
has to go to doggie heaven (probably within the month)
H came over to pick up his mail on Tues. It was so strange. He stayed for over an hour and talked about a lot of stuff.( NOT our R!) He was just as chatty and friendly as could be. He asked permission to come visit the dog! He hasn't visited with our kids but he wants to come see the dog?! He also wants to be involved in a meeting that I have regarding some remodeling on the house???? That one really threw me. I think I was very good with DBing. It's really pretty easy for me because my emotions are just so even. I don't feel angry or desperate or in love with this man. I just look at him and wonder. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to be so unemotional about him. It's such a relief after all the drama of the last 2 1/2 years. I find this time around so different from when I first learned of the OW.
How are things with you and your H? Any news? Well, I hope it is all good. You'll be in my thoughts.

Spitfire23

Hi Spitfire,
It's good to hear from you. It is hard to hear about your dog. I have 2 of them and they have both been a source of comfort for me. Our dogs are faithful friends and it will be extremely difficult for you and your boys to lose him. If you have to put him to sleep please, please take a good friend with you. The drive home might be difficult for you.
It sounds like the dbing that you are doing might be working, even if it is too little, too late. At least you can have the peace of mind that you did not get into an emotional battle with him.
I am doing ok. Last week I received a change of address confirmation on a life insurance policy that H had. He now has a PO Box. It had a 20K cash value that he has cashed out. I confronted him and accused him of trying to hide money from me. I still feel that he is setting me up for a divorce sometimes and at other I think he is so lost he does not know what he is doing. He told me he did it to pay off some debt that we have. He is furious with me for not trusting him to handle things (I have paid all the bills for over 30 years). I think he is angry b/c he got caught. We shall see. The funny thing is I really don't care. I know I will be ok financially and as long as I have the love and respect of my children that is enough. I truly believe that if given enough rope that people will hang themselves.
For the past 5 weekends H has been in town. (OW lives in another city 150 miles away). He has certainly had the opportunity to e with her if he wanted. He has not been on an out of town trip "for business" that I know of and that had become a weekly occurance. It makes me wonder if their R has ended, is just on hold or what! I know that I have got to quit worrying about what he does and where he goes and move on with my life. I'm getting there but is has been a slow process. I wish I could be more like you are, it would help make the dbibg easier for sure.
Thank you for checking with me. Keep in touch and God bless.

Hi again SallyG,
Glad to hear from you. It amazes me how similar our lives seem to be. I too handled all the bill paying, record keeping, appointments setting, etc. in our family. I don't know what to think of your H's po box. My H's brother and SIL are going through a nasty divorce that is on year 3. My BIL had/is having an affair with one of our employees. (We have a family owned business) My SIL discovered the po box when her H was out of town. She went to the box while he was gone and found bank statements for 3 accounts she knew nothing about.(worth over 500,000.) Of course she made copies of everything. Their divorce drags on as BIL does not want to give SIL her piece of the pie. And it's a very big pie. My SIL was pretty oblivious to their financial status during her 31 year marriage as she did none of that. Her H refuses to get rid of OW so their D drags on. They have already spent over 200,000 in attorney fees! Hopefully, I don't have that to look forward to. My husband LOATHES attornies so that is in my favor to this point. He also knows that I know where our money is so.... Just be careful and keep your eyes and ears open. I too would be suspicious. If he was on the up and up why didn't he just tell you that he was cashing in the policy? Isn't it funny how we find out stuff our Hs do behind our backs without even trying to spy? I can't tell you the amount of stuff that has just dropped into my lap with no effort on my part. I think its fate or Karma or something. Some would argue that they leave clues because they want to get "caught". I don't know....there have just been too many weird things in my sitch.
I am not really worried about finances, either. I was at first. But I know my H is not the same as his brother. I also know how big the pie is and I will not have to struggle if we do get a D. That is one big load off my mind.
I will continue with my dbing. I really rather enjoy it. I like watching to see if it makes a difference. Mostly, I like the feeling of being in charge of my destiny...whatever that may turn out to be. After I posted last, H sent email on Wed. and then stopped by again on Fri. Maybe he's curious about my new attitude.? I was very nice and told him to have a good weekend. I also got my coat out and picked up my purse so he knew I had somewhere to go. He didn't ask and I didn't offer an explanation. I think one reason I am enjoying this dbing is that it is in and of itself a 180 for me. I am about as black and white a person as there is. I have always been open and upfront. I am in no way a player. This dbing kind of makes me feel like a player. And I'm having fun with it. Make sense? Afterall, why should I be my usual honest, open self, pouring out my emotions to this man? It sure didn't work well in the past. I'm a slow learner. Maybe I'm finally catching on.
So, you think H is not visiting OW? That's strange. Maybe he's taking a break from both of you??? How does one carry on an affair with someone who is 150 miles away? Business trips? Do you get any sense that he is having a change of heart when you talk to him? My guess is that the OW starts pressuring the WAS once they are out of the family home and that puts a damper on the relationship. Don't know , but I think the OW would look at your separation as a positive for her and then if things don't move along at her perceived pace....trouble in paradise. You know the proverbial jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Seems to me that men do that more than women? Are they just less inclined to want to be alone? Maybe it's just me.
You see, our H's can use us as an excuse as long as they are married or living a married lifestyle. Once they are "free" the ow want more. Human nature.
Well, I've got a big day planned. My boys and I are huge hockey fans. We are going out for an early dinner and then out to the game. Wish our team was better. Have a great day and do keep in touch. I was worried about you when you didn't post for awhile. Hang in there!

Spitfire23

Spitfire (I love that name)
Thank you so much for checking in on me. It means so much to know that we are not in this alone. There seems to be an incredible amount of infidelity these days, or maybe I just notice it more. I have been doing ok. I still have good days and bad. One day I want to try to reconcile with H and the next I want nothing to do with him. I keep thinking one feeling will begin to dominate and therein will be my answer.
You are so correct that our paths are similar. It is frightening. The more I read about men's mid live crisis' the more I believe that is exactly what my H is going through. I am not willing to wait too long on him to figure out what he wants. I have no idea what is going on between him and OW. I have read that when one partner in an affair becomes available that the affair often dies. The secercy and safty keep it together. I am quite sure that OW is pulling my H and encouraging him to end our R. I can tell by his moods now that I have witnessed them so long. I am waiting for him to file just to see if he will and to spite OW. I figure the longer it drags the more impatient she will get. I do know, however, that he is giving her $ each month. A certain amount disappears toward the end of the month. That may keep OW hanging on longer than otherwise. I know exactly what you mean about always having worn your feelings on your sleeve. I am that way too and it has not worked for me either. I am trying to prefect the dbing techniques and am doing a bit better. H usually calls just about every day.
H, daughter and I met our son in Athens Friday night for his birthday. H and I stayed in different hotels and then met at the UGA football game. H has been friendly but distant. Who knows what goes on in thier heads.

KDU,
Thank you so much for your reply and the encouraging words. It just floors me every time I hear of another long term affair and a marriage trying to heal from it. I hope that I am blessed as you are. Right now H dosen't have a clue what he wants. He is "unhappy with evey aspect of his life and feels as if he has wasted 50 years". Most of that unhappiness, of course, he blames on me. I have finally reached the point that he dosen't make me feel so insecure and guitly as he once did. I am trying to get better at the dbing LRT method. I rarely call H but do not avoid his calls. I'm not sure how far to take it. I am staying extremly busy doing anything. I have even resorted to cleaning closets! At least it is constructive.
Again, thank you so very much for your encouragement. It turly does help to know that you are working through the process with success. I believe that when an affair is discovered our self esteem and faith in ourselves is icredibly damaged. Dbing seems to help brigh us out of that and help us realise that we are worthwile people and deserve to be treated that way.
I hope you have much more success. Please keep me posted. I am interested and am praying for you.
SallyG