My situation is, hopefully briefly, I discovered the 12-year-long affair in March from a letter written to me from the OM's wife. This was a double whammy, because my WS was cheating on me and I had to learn about it from the OM's wife. Since that time we have been working on rebuilding the marriage. Our minister told me when I revealed this to him, "You would be surprised at how many marriages I consider good marriages have had to deal with infidelity." I felt supported by his revealing that. My WS has promised no contact with the OM, and as far as I can tell she is telling the truth, but who ever knows? Also, we are visiting an MC whom we both feel comfortable with, although my WS wants to suspend the sessions because she is a schoolteacher and is feeling stressed right now by her duties at school. I want to continue the sessions and we are going to talk about that with him tonight, but I don't know about being able to afford them, because my job is in jeopardy right now, and I don't know how long it will continue. So, I have two major life stresses in the same year. I do feel commitment from my WF to rebuilding and strengthening our marriage. The readings we have done stress that discovering an affair can actually make a marriage stronger, if both partners are committed to an honest, open, caring rebuilding. I don't know; I still have dreams about my WS leaving me, so obviously the shock of discovering the affair has lessened after 8 months but not gone away. Again, readings we have done state that the shock and flashbacks will stay with me for a year or two or maybe longer, but will lessen over time. I believe my WS's committment to our marriage but do not have the trust I had in her before the Bomb was dropped.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
Hi Sally, Thanks for asking about me. You sound as though you're in a better place today. Here's hoping that more of these days happen and the bad days become less frequent.
In response to your question, my H is still in the home and probably will be at least until July when our lease runs out. We have a D6 and have been trying to keep her out of this mess as we try to sort through it, thus we still put on the outward appearance of the happy family. Also, my stitch is unique in that we really do behave/feel like friends and spend a good deal of time together both individually and as a family. There really are not that many stressful confrontations as I don't bring up OW or R. Furthermore, although he is stiill calling her nightly (and I suspect e-mailing or at least checking e-mail from her) he hasn't seen her in three weeks. This makes it easier for me to keep my emotions in check. This makes is hard to DB in other ways though. I feel like I'm living some sort of continental life (you know the man, the mistress, the wife) which I don't want. He has made some toddler steps toward me and is even nosy about what I'm up to again.
I spend half of my time biting my tongue when his moodiness comes on and am surprised that it's still attached. I must admit though that sometimes that barely attached appendage rushes out and waggles furiously at him (bad DBing but hey I'm human). We have our second C session tonight. Not looking forward to it because it means confronting the beast of our marriage again.
Hi SallyG- Thanks for your response...Today started off as a good day...now it kind of sucks. Sometimes i feel like i set myself up by trying to be positive...hate it. I am sorry that things are not going well with your H and that you feel closer to D...i know how hard that is. Why is it that we allow them to have us while having the OW? In my case, I really have turned a blind eye to it b/c i really didn't want to believe it about my H...but, i know now that i should have stood up to him 2 years ago when his bs started...maybe we wouldn't be here now... I do try to think about what life would be like without him...just can't imagine it... Keeping busy helps...as long as i am motivated to do it... You're right, we don't deserve to live in misery and pain...but, it wasn't always bad...there was some happiness...how do we get back to a good place? Not necessarily where we were, but to a happy place? I wish i had a magic wand and could just change the whole thing... I try to be appreciative of every day and realize that my life could be a lot worse. Thing is, when you are in so much pain, it is hard to see past it... Thanks again...take care...
Hi Sally I am new to this message board...to all message boards so please bear with me. I have been reading through many of the threads over the last two weeks. Your story mirrors mine very closely. Change a few minor details and we are walking in the same shoes. I found out about my H's LTA two years ago. He claimed that he did not want a D and we spent the last 2 years in C. I also had C with a separate C. I guess I really knew all along that H had not removed the OW from his life. You just know when the marriage is "too crowded". We separated for only 4 days in Feb of 04. He recommitted to the marriage and all seemed to be going along fine until maybe July. He denied seeing OW again but... He left for work on Sept 2nd and then emailed me at 3:30 that he wasn't coming home. He needed time to "sort things out". Thus began our second separation. Two years ago my H confessed to numerous affairs during our 20 year marriage. I was clueless and completely floored. I was a total basketcase. I thought my whole marriage had been a sham. I will say that I am grateful for my H's confession as it made SO MUCH of my life suddenly understandable. I finally knew why things happened in our marriage that I didn't understand before he fessed up. I came to this message board to find ways of coping and dealing with my very troubled H. I do not feel like I want to save my marriage. I feel like I already tried. All I have read about chronic cheaters is that it is incurable and to run the opposite direction as fast as possible. I too would like to learn how to interact in a more positive way when/if I ever have another relationship. I haven't noticed anyone responding to your original question. Can LTA's be overcome?
Finally, my H turns 50 in Jan. So many people want to tell me that this is a MLC. It's a crisis alright. A Life Crisis. He's been behaving this way since I've known him.( 34 years). Obviously, I am a very slow learner in this department. I now know that nothing will ever change until my H wants to face his demons. I know that as much as I would like to help him, I can't. I can only work on myself.
I wish you and all of us walking in these shoes inner strength, wisdom and peace.
Spitfire23
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Hi Spitfire23, I'm glad to know you although I wish it were under different circumstances. You ask if anyone had answered the original question about surviving a LTA. No. As more time goes by I wonder if the reason is that there is no one here that has survived it. I realise that the percentage of survival is very low. I remain hopeful.
Sometimes it is hard to read about so much pain. I cannot imagine how you must have felt learning that your H had been cheating throughout your M. Like you I am beginning to question my desire to stay in this marriage as much as I believe he is. Does your H want to reconcile and work on the M? I guess that's what I'm trying so hard to wait for. My H will have to be the one to instigate reconciliation and seek help without me pushing him to it. That seems to be the only chance as we have tried the status Quo too long. I'm hoping the DBing will help get him there. I am just getting into Michelles book and encourage you to order it. It has been helpful and although I do fall off the DBing wagon from time to time, I find it helps me focus on methods for reconciliation and also control my emotional out bursts much better. I think you will find much wisdom here and some of the finest people around. There is pain and hurt here, but our sith's have maybe humbled each of us and enabled empathy and compassion to become part of us, and that is the silver linning behind this dark cloud. Like it or not we will grow from this experience.
When I read your thread I felt like I was looking in a mirror. How in the world have we survived in this environment for so long? If you have indeed given up on yur M, I think the principals here can only help you in your future.
Sometimes I wonder how my children have grown into the remarkably happy, balanced and focused people that they have become. For so many years I have been so emotionally drained from H's choices and actions, until there seemed so little left of me for any one or any thing else. I still want my M to work and still have faith that a loving R can result from all this. Some days I am more positive that others.
Well, I guess I have wandered all over the place enough for now. Take care of yourself, keep smiling and keep in touch.
I understand exactly what you are saying about being friends with your H. I feel that to. We have always goten along easily and well. Sometimes I think we might be better friends that spouses. I cannot imagine him completely out of my life-ever.
Hello again SallyG, Thank you for your response. I agree with you 100% that any reconciliation will have to be instigated by my H. He will have to work on "his" problems before we can work on "our" problems. I do not believe my husband wishes to work on the marriage and I believe reconciliation is the furthest thing from his mind. When we split he told me he wanted to "be with someone else." Then 2 sentences later he told me he loved me. The man is very messed up. Being the smart a$$ that I am, I told him that I considered myself lucky that he indeed does love me because if he hated me I'd really be in a bad way. My overwhelming emotion in all of this ordeal is sadness. The whole mess just makes me sad. It was very overwhelming when my husband confessed his infidelities to me two years ago. This was the man of my dreams. We had a good marriage. I thought my husband adored me. Sure we had our issues, like everyone. But, overall, things were really good. We liked each other, we enjoyed each other's company etc, etc, etc. My H really lead 2 separate lives. NOBODY knew. It wasn't the case where I was the last to know. Lots of people are floored by this. I kind of think now that he confessed his "sins" hoping that I would throw him out. I told him then that I wasn't going to make any decisions for him. I really think it threw him for a loop. Knowing me, and the straight shooter that I am, I think he assumed I'd end the marriage and he would be free to start anew life. When I didn't react that way he didn't know what to do. I too am waiting to see what he will do but it's more out of curiousity, I think. I really believe that the man I loved does not exist. He was a total figment of my imagination. He was a fantasy that I created based on my own desires and fueled by my H's deceptions. I believed my own fairy tale. The life he lived with me and our boys was a fantasy. His authentic self is the one he shares with OW. That is who he really is. He just doesn't want anyone to know. He works so hard on this "I'm a good guy" image. And the boys and I were all a part of that. Nice kids, nice wife, nice house, nice job, nice neighbors, nice life. What a use job!! I have ordered Michele's book. It hasn't arrived yet. I do think there will be many helpful strategies in the book. Dealing with all of this is not easy and I need all the help I can get. I too think our 3 boys are pretty remarkable human beings. Right now though they are very ANGRY. They want nothing to do with their father. He has made a few half-hearted attempts to talk to them but basically has not been in touch since he left 2 months ago. They have a lot to work through. My boys have asked me to stay out of it and I told them I would. They do not want me to instigate any meetings or to interfere in any way. They feel it's up to my H to fix things with them. They are 19,17 and 15 so they pretty much know their own minds. It does make me sad but I know they are right. All of their lives I tried to smooth over things and make up for things that were lacking in their relationship with their dad. I just can't do it anymore. I agree with you that there is much wisdom here and also that it is hard to read about all this pain. What has happened in the world? I can't believe how much cheating and lying and deception there is. Are we doomed as a race? What is wrong with us?????????? I have come to believe that there is a whole subculture of people who live in this "cheating world". They have no morals or regrets or even any recognition of the destruction they cause by their selfish indulgances. OK enough ranting. I do hope all works out for you. You sound much more positive about your sitch than I feel about mine. I wish you all the best. I will keep in touch and let you know how things unfold with us.
Take care and try to have a good weekend. I'll check back with you later.
Spitfire23
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Spitfire23, Oh my gosh I could have written your post. I cannot believe the similarities that we share. My H has also been living 2 lives. He is now trying to be kind and spend time with me, at least on the weekends. I don't hear much from him during the week, which is fine. My 14 year old daughter feels much like your boys and my 27 year old son is not speaking with his father. I do hope that they will reconcile at some point. H is a decent person and does love his children. Even with all of his baggage he is still the only father they have. Let's make a pact to never say anything negative about our H's to our kids!
I believe you are doing the right thing. I too, kicked my H out and it was only then that I believe he has begun to think about all that he will be giving up. I'm not certain of that but that is what he seems to be trying to make me believe. He has always played so many games with me that trust will be extremly difficult to re-establish. Your H may come to realize what he is giving up as well. Spending time with OW in "real life" may convince them both that the grass is really not greener on the other side. The question will be at that point whether or not WE want them back!
Give your boys a hug... sons always look after Mama!
Hi Sally G, I can't sleep so I thought I would reply to your latest post. My husband is pretty much MIA right now. I have no idea where he is or what he is doing. Surprisingly, it doesn't really bother me too much. Just for clarification.....I didn't kick my H out. He left on his own and it was totally his decision. He just doesn't want anybody to know. Is it me or is that really wierd? You would think that if someone was making such a major life changing decision they would be ok with it and not want to hide the fact?? He wants to be with OW, he just doesn't want anyone from "this life" to know she exists/has existed for 13+ years. Go figure. If he was so ok with his decision shouldn't he be shouting it from the rooftops? I try to take the high road with the kids. They are pretty much getting on with their lives. I don't have to really say anything negative about H. The stuff that comes out of their mouths is pretty intense. My oldest son told me that dad has the same mental disorder that Ted Bundy had. Of course, that got my attention. I calmly asked him,"What is that, Honey?" He said it's called Moral Subjectivism. It is where people alter their morals to justify their behavior." Whoa. That set me back a few paces. And son's closing comment was,"Only difference is that Ted Bundy was a lot smarter than Dad," Yikes!! I tried to assure him that his father was not out slashing up women and that even Ted Bundy got caught in the end. But.... you can kind of get the idea of the anger I am dealing with in these young men. I love my sons and have told them from the start of all this that I hope they can work this all out with their dad. I would like them to have some kind of a relationship in the future, for their sakes, not his. I just know that I can't fix this. It is out of my hands. I hear what you are saying about how reality sets in when H spends time with OW. I have heard that and read that over and over again. I guess that theory has merit. Just have to wait and see. Maybe, I mean. I don't think I really care. I think I'm done. I'll check back again. Take care and hang in there. You're at an entirely different place than I am. I can tell by your posts. Hopefully, your H will come to his senses.
Spitfire23
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
He just doesn't want anybody to know. Is it me or is that really wierd? You would think that if someone was making such a major life changing decision they would be ok with it and not want to hide the fact?? He wants to be with OW, he just doesn't want anyone from "this life" to know she exists/has existed for 13+ years. Go figure.
My H was the same when he walked out 2 years ago. Neither of us ever said anything to anyone. He wanted it that way. This time I told him that he had someone to talk to about all of this mess and that I would talk to whoever I darn well pleased. And I have. I have not said anything negative about him b/c I don't ever want that to come back to our D, but I have not hesitated to say that H is unhappy and trying to determine what he wants. Most people pick up quickly and you don't have to say much more. I think maybe your H is really feeling some shame in his actions by not wanting anyone to know. He may not want anyone to know about OW for divorcce/alimony reasons too. If you have any sort of evidence keep it in a safe place. You just want them to fall off of the fence on one side or the other or just fly away!
You and I are lucky to have our children. I wish my D would say more to me but she keeps quiet. I know that she does not want to say anything negative about either of us to the other. Your son is very bright. I'm going to do some research myself on Moral subjectivism. I've been saying that about my H but I'm glad to know it has a name. I guess most people try to justify thier actions in some way. The higher and deeper the moral values are the less destructive choices we make.
Some days I think I am in a different sitch than you are, but my H has really been gone for 3 years. He was rarely home and when he was the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. He would come through the door, fix a drink, eat dinner, continue drinking and pass out on the sofa. Life around my house is really much more pleasant now. I have my D and 2 dogs!
I'm really not sure I want my H back either. I am going to wait it out and see what he does. Like you said, if for no other rason that curiosity.
