Quoting TS: ------------------------------------------------------ I am curious as to why you think our marriage won't survive. I absolutely don't agree with you that I should leave and won't take any of that advice about leaving. ------------------------------------------------------
I said: ------------------------------------------------------ I think you have two choices, TS. Start a brand new relationship and marriage based on mutual respect and trust, or dump your untrustworthy spouse in favor of a more proven person. ------------------------------------------------------
I don't know what you are referencing regarding the leaving other than the above quote.
I don't think your relationship will survive, based on your comments regarding your wife's 12 year affair.
I do believe that you BOTH can make a choice to leave the past behind, fix the mistakes and move on. From your post, it appears that you have taken steps toward that end. It will still entail much hard work for both of you, and the outcome is uncertain.
Twelve years of bonding is a long time, and it will take your wife a very long time to get over the loss, IF she is indeed able to maintain no contact. During that time of mourning, your relationship suffers.
Statistically, entangled affairs are the most difficult to recover from. The longer they last, the longer and more difficult the recovery. Many experts believe that it takes one to two months per year of entanglement for just the attachment to the other person to abate. If that is true, you have a long way to go.
I truly DO hope you make it.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
A couple settle into their honeymoon suite at the end of the big day. As they are getting undressed, the H takes his pants off and hands them to his new bride and says, here put these on. She says but dear H, the waist is far too big for my petite frame, they'll never stay on. He insists, so she pulls them on, then stands up and they immediately fall to the floor. He again tells her to put them on, and she does starting to cry. Of course they fall to the floor again, and he tells her yet again to try wearing the pants. After the third time, he says to her, now just remember who wears the pants in this family. She picks up her clothes and locks herself in the bathroom for a good sob. Two hours later, she comes out of the bathroom wearing flannel pajamas and hands her new groom her tiny panties. "Put these on, dear H" she says. He says but they won't fit. "Put them on", she insists. So he pulls them over his feet and gets them about to his knees before they just won't go any further. "This is as far as they go, my sweet". No, you can try harder than that, put them on. So he pulls harder until he hears a ripping sound, and she's now yelling at him to put on her pants but DON'T rip them. He finally says "look, there is no F&%#in way I'm going to get into your panties." SHe says....That's right! and it's going to stay that way until you have a major change of attitude. Ba dum bum.
AHHHH!!!! We have a full-fledged joke battle going on.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.
Subj: Redneck Valentine Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Well, I'll have to admit I was probably meaner than I should have been. Just didn't like the s-house lawyer and minion comments, even if they weren't directed at me.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
You're no different in that aspect than most anyone else...no one likes to be insulted or spoken down to. Unfortunately TS has a bad habit of that and probably didn't like having so many of us pointing that out to him. BUT, if he does that to us here...there's a VERY good chance he does that at home as well....and it's something that he'd need to work on. He probably doesn't want to hear that though.
There's a place we all have to get to when we're working on our R's, especially the types we are working on....and that's a place where we recognize our own contributions to the problem (no matter what it is). When we are willing to recognize our contributions, then we are more apt to be willing to work on those aspects of ourselves as well. I just have a gut feeling TS isn't in that place yet. Hopefully eventually he'll get there...but I don't think he's there yet.
"BUT, if he does that to us here...there's a VERY good chance he does that at home as well....and it's something that he'd need to work on. He probably doesn't want to hear that though."
A very good possibility. If you come across as being insulting and testy to people you don't even know who are offering help, how much more could it be to a person with which you are having a lot of problems, kwim? Maybe it isn't the case with TS, but we'll probably never know.
"where we recognize our own contributions to the problem"
And the second trick is recognizing which are actual contributions to the problem and which are just perceived contributions. For example, I was absolutely convinced for awhile that I had just killed attraction for my wife by being so low self-esteem. While I may have, I beginning to wonder if that is the real issue in her lack of attraction towards me. Gotta think about it and process it more.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Oh sure....I absolutely agree with you. Identifying the actual problems is a tricky process. I found myself thinking "I" was the majority of the problem for a long long time. It took me some time to learn to separate what actions of mine contributed to our problems....and what truly were issues of my H's as well. I spent a long time thinking "if I did this" or "if I do that" etc. in hopes of making myself attractive to him. It was hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that he does find me attractive but he doesn't show it.
It's also taken me quite a bit of time to learn how to talk to my H in a way that doesn't come across as nagging or condescending. I used to tip-toe around topics in an attempt to not hurt his manly pride....ummmmm, don't do that anymore. Now I'm very straightforward and to the point...I'm not worried about sugar-coating anymore. Seems to work better for us.
