Thanks, LIL.
I have been able to sleep again.
H completely disappeared. I saw a call from him at the house's caller ID, but he hasn't called ever since.
I think two things: he is embarrassed of my mom (and I bet I won't see him for a while) and is running away from D talk.
I wrote him an e-mail explaining that he misunderstood me. When we were trying to reconcile, he kept coming over all the time and I didn't like it (remember?). I thought he was controlling and that was too much, too soon. I kept running away from him trying to pace it (the reconciliation).
He told me on the phone on Friday that he did all that because he thought that's what I wanted. He thought that if he took it slow I would make a big deal of it. So clearly we didn't get each other.
I just thought I had to make a point of what I wanted: seeing each other once or twice a week if we are to reconcile because the everyday thing was a little overwhelming for both of us.
Now I have to wait (bummer) because I know the next step is his. It's so hard to wait, but that has worked in the past. It always gets him wondering.
Quote: I think two things: he is embarrassed of my mom (and I bet I won't see him for a while) and is running away from D talk.
I bet it is a little of both. H loves my mom but has avoided her like the plague. As far as D talks go, my H has said he has no intentions of filing. Yet he just went out and signed a 12 month lease on a one bedroom apartment. I get the mixed signals too and just have to hang on while I go for the ride until H decides what it is that he REALLY wants.
Good luck during the waiting game. I don't know why patience was chosen as a virtue because it stinks.
Quote: Good luck during the waiting game. I don't know why patience was chosen as a virtue because it stinks.
But isn't it funny that the longer you wait, the easier it gets? At least for me it has. It's as if I am having more control over the situation. Well, at least I have more control over me!
I have been practicing the DB principles in other areas of my life and something strange has been going on.
Ever since I stopped going hysterical about my problems with my mom, and appeared upbeat, didn't react to her pushing my bottoms, and really, really listened to her, etc, she started confessing some deep family secrets. Coincidence? I don't know. She just told me that my grandma didn't die of cancer, she killed herself (the poison took 8 months to destroy her body - these 8 months feel like a few days in my memory; I was a little girl). She also told me she has OM.
The other day even my boss started openning up to me about intimate details of his M. Am I becoming a better listener? I don't know.
I have been trying to let the DB overflow in other areas too but I don't think I have had any responses like yours. I really want to read the "Change Your Life" book too. I need to go back to the library. Seems like I live there these days!
This is the e-mail I sent him on Saturday (VERY long - warning):
Subject: a cat and mouse story
A diary of what goes through my mind so you understand me better:
Friday - we had a fight and you said we weren't a couple anymore; that I should give up. I decide I should cut interactions with you for a while (and I thought you felt the same way) because I need to get my head straight in order to move on.
Saturday - I get home from some place and you are there. It enfuriates me because I didn't want to see you for a while. I needed a break, so I find a reason to get out of the house again. An hour later I come back and you are still there. I go inside through the front door so I don't have to interact with you. I go upstairs and make as little noise as possible so you don't think I am here. You keep coming inside.
Sunday - I make sure that when you pick up the dog I am not home. I still didn't want to see you. At night you showed up late to bring the dog. You spooned me on the couch and cried. I am thinking, "WTF!" You took me to bed, tried having sex, and said you were really sorry for what you were doing. That got me really confused. "Is he cheating?"
Monday - I turn off the lights of the house at night, hoping that you would think I was asleep and wouldn't come inside, but you do. I am watching TV (in a very bad mood because you keep coming over) and you try to conversate. I am cold hoping you would get the message.
Tuesday - I decide to go to bed earlier and lock the door so you wouldn't see me. Not only you come upstairs, but you knock on the door, lay in bed with me, keeps staring at me and try to have sex. You said before you left, "I will see you tomorrow." That got me thinking, "maybe he is finally seeing the light."
Wednesday - I do my best not to get online - must keep my resolve not to contact you. Then I get home and your clothes (the ones at the top of the bag) are all gone (usually a sign that you are mad). My friend is coming over and you had said you would see me today, so I called to tell you that. Than I decide to just go ahead and let you know I need some distance; that you are very confusing. What shocked me is that you got mad!!!! I didn't expect that at all. I thought that's what you wanted too - space, remember?
Thursday - Online fight.I get home and your pictures are gone. Mine are facing down. I had to laugh at this one. Talk about passive-aggressive!!! "Why is he so mad???" I still don't understand. "Doesn't he want me gone, anyway????? Why does he keep trying to hurt me when I am already hurt?"
Friday through Sunday - I can't believe how peaceful my life became without the non-verbal communications and the drama. No more weird interactions, no more going crazy. The relief part was that this was MY choice. I asked you to leave me alone, so I didn't feel rejected. I felt that was good for me. I even started thinking I could fall in love with someone else and started feeling really good about it. I thought about calling you many times just to thank you for genuinely giving space with no tamper tantrums.
Monday - You come home. You are romantic and loving and the he sex is fantastic. You tell me divorce is messy and that you realize what I mean to you. I'm loving this ("he woke up, finally!) but I am scared. This is too intense. It can't be healthy. You don't even let me walk around the house. You call me from the room so I make you company. I also wonder how I will fit you in my new life. I had all these plans for the weekend that didn't include you and all of a sudden I thought, "Sh.., will have to cancel some, H will want me around." That kinda annoyed me. I thought YOU wanted to get back together with all strength, meaning, hanging out all the time. I had a gut feeling that something was up at the end of the day. You decided to just date and have fun together for now. I am disappointed, but agree. In my head I am thinking, "I won't hear from him for a few days and he will probably call me around Friday to ask me on a real date. No more hanging-around-the-house-pretending-to-be-friends bullsh..." you call me to say goodnight. That was really sweet.
Tuesday - Still keeping my resolve not to get online. Must set the pace. You call me and I am reluctant to answer the phone. "He is calling already???? It must be something serious." I answer and you just wanted to come over. I should have said I was leaving, I thought. You come over and you are grumpy. I don't get this. At the end of the day you come back (I am surprised again. Wasn't it supposed to be slow????? WTF???) You are grumpy. You are miserable. I want to help but don't know what to do. I feel sorry for the way you feel (it breaks my heart, actually, I cried along with you), but this is not my idea of dating and having fun. I lie that I won't be home the next day so we could take a day of breathing.
Wednesday - I call to check up on you, to show you I care. You are grumpy on the phone, kinda annoyed that I called. I get home and the dog is not here. I get PISSED OFF!!! That usually means you are bringing the dog later and we will have to interact and I was avoiding it. "will I have to lock myself in a closet?" I also feel like you are trying to control me since I told you I would be out. So I call my friend and pretty much had to drag her to a bar and hang out there until an hour I knew for sure you wouldn't be home.
Thursday - Still not wanting to get online. Maybe today we will take a breather. The dog is not here again. I keep wondering if I will have to get out of the house again. I think that would be rude. Should I pretend I am asleep? That wouldn't be THAT rude, just weird, since I knew you would come. So I decide to go upstairs to check my e-mail and get ready for bed, hoping I could do that before you came over. You come over and again you are grumpy. We fight. I tell you to leave me alone but as soon as you leave I break down. The sight of you crying just kills me!!! Even though what you have been doing to me is worse, your sad face hunted me for the rest of the weekend. Everytime I thought about it, I cried. I HATE to see you sad. At the same time I need distance, I wanted to fix things. I wanted to restart and set some ground rules for the dating phase. In my mind we would court each other. We would actually go out on (FUN) dates and not very often in the beggining. I feel like YOU were too intense and I just couldn't control it. I keep telling you this.
What has been in my head from that point on is my business. I just wanted to clarify some misunderstandings. I think I gave you the wrong impression with my actions.
An this is his response:
Yes your right, my behavior definately suggests that I am emotionally unstable. Its interesting to see how someone else interrprets your behavior. I didn't realize what I was doing. FYI those times that I came over and you think I was trying to have sex. I wasn't, I just wanted to hung you, cause I missed you. And when I said that I was sorry for doing this too you, I meant I was sorry for being so flakey and taking you on this roller coaster ride or emotions. I hope you and your mom can have fun while she is here. I decided not to come over this weekend, cause I don't want to see you upset.
Quote: What do you think about his reply? Do you see any positives or negatives in it?
Hum, let's see:
Quote: my behavior definately suggests that I am emotionally unstable.
he recognizes that he has been contradictory and weird.
Quote: you think I was trying to have sex.
I don't think; I KNOW he was. He is appologizing because he knows it makes his attitudes weirder.
Quote: just wanted to hug you, cause I missed you.
I don't even have to comment on this one - positive written all over it.
Quote: And when I said that I was sorry for doing this too you, I meant I was sorry for being so flakey and taking you on this roller coaster ride or emotions.
He is afraid that I am thinking he is cheating on me (check the first Sunday - that's what he is trying to explain).
Quote: I decided not to come over this weekend, cause I don't want to see you upset.
He is telling a lie here but that's ok. There are many reasons why he didn't come over (mainly my mom), but he is mirroring me on the "not liking to see him upset" issue. He does that a lot (mirroring me). Sometimes he will even repeat an expression or word I use right after I say it. It's even funny. He wants me to think he doesn't like to see me upset, so, yes, there are lots of positives here.
I must say that living on the underside of the world I missed all the action till now -
I can lots of positives and some weird stuff - but lots of confusion maybe you are in the bar with OHS and TJ you should get one of them to buy you a drink while you are there
I must say his reply to your email was not too bad - now how to move it from what people are not saying to what they really mean
he really likes this dog trick doesn't he?
I must say I had a mental image of you in the cupboard with him standing outside the door and the dog scratching to get in
I thought I noticed positives in there but I wasn't sure if that is how you seen them and wanted your perspective since you know your H better than we do.
I think you did a good thing by sending him that email explaining how you were feeling. Sometimes it is hard to read other people and know what they are really trying to tell us.
I thought it was positive he said "I miss you" and "I didn't want to see you upset". He is showing care and concern. Even if he is lying about just wanting a hug and really did want sex, at least he wanted to be close to you.
{{{Hugs}}} You are doing great!
Do you have special plans this week for you and your mom?
