as I said on my thread - am almost finished psychology degree I am going to be an Educational and Developmental psych therefore specialising mainly in children and adolescents but one of the things we first look at in a childs behaviour (goes for adults too)
What exactly does their behaviour get them - what need does it fill for them
So the dog trick what does it get him?
some contact, (my H doesn't ask about the dogs (two) nor does he come to visit them)
some control and your attention like you said
he has a reason to call and it gets your attention that he is coming - he is signalling his visit before hand
now the hard part what purpose does this serve him?
gosh should look at the responses i just posted here in relation to myself
The more I read other threads (even successfull ones), the more convinced I am that H has cheated on me. His attitude is really out of character from the men he used to be. Plus the guilt he is feeling; how he comes home sometimes crying because he thinks he is hurting me so bad.
I feel like I should bring this up to him. I don't know why. Maybe I just need reassurance that he never did anything, but I don't trust him.
That monday when he came over and told me all those things (that he wanted to have babies, that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever met, that I was the only girl he ever trusted, that he would never meet anyone like me, that divorce was just too messy, that he missed me) I was convinced this was just a phase he had been through. But once he started having doubts again, I could see how he could have felt bad for coming back home when he knew I had been faithful to him (if he hasn't).
I forgot to mention this, but while he was here on Monday, he called all my new friends (their phones were in the caller ID) and hung up. I knew he did that because my friends called me later on asking why I called in the afternoon. I didn't.
Anyway, I am thinking about writing him an e-mail just to push his bottons on the subject because if there is one thing I will not admit is if he has been unfaithfull to me, but at the same time, I don't want to know.
If you find out that he did have an affair, you'll feel terrible. It will haunt your thoughts. I know you think it might help to know... but it doesn't.
If he says that he didn't, you will constantly wonder if he was lying to you. You'll still think at times that maybe he was or is with someone else.
Caverna... I feel so bad for you, but I think you are over analyzing. It seems like your life is caught up so much in him that you think of nothing else. Every move you make seems to depend on him, or his reaction. You deserve more!
I truly believe that you will feel so much better if you just let go, concentrate on yourself, forget about what he is doing. This doesn't mean give up. In a sense you are just doing what you need to do for yourself, and, in turn, you are giving him space.
Good luck!
"There's a price to pay if you want to make things better, and a price to pay for just leaving things as they are."
My situation
Well, I asked. Wrote a long e-mail saying things like, "you broke our foundation of trust that I so loved," etc...
He immediately got online and started to say no, he hadn't cheated on me. I didn't write much back, but here is some quotes of the conversation:
-he keeps telling me that I asked for distance and his is just "respecting" me (yeah, right).
-"I do miss you, but I just can't get
back into the mind set of being in a serious
relationship, it really scares me, even though your a
wonderful person to share life and love with"
and right after he wrote:
-"I know I have destoyed our
relationship beyond repair" (maybe trying to get reassurance that it wasn't that bad and we could work it out? - I didn't respond to this one)
I told him he does not take responsibility for his actions and instead he is just getting angry for no reason. That way I appologize and not him.
H: You act as though things were perfect
between us. You weren't happy being with me when
you had me. you even said so yourself
M: there's a better way to face the
problem then to run away. that's the difference between you
and I. you are a quitter.
H: I will never forget what you told me,
that "you felt relieved, cause you always felt it
would be you to tell me you wanted a divorce"
M: but I never did. I felt confused but trusted it
would go away.
H: but you wanted too, and it reflected
in how you cared for me
H: well it hurt
M: I said I was sorry if you felt that
way. I completely understand how you
feel, but I never wanted to run away. I never wanted to give up. I know myself and I know it would
pass. you just went the other way.
I didn't save the rest of the conversation but he asked me something like, "so how will if you have doubts again?" and I told him I would tell him.
Then we got to the sex talk and how he felt I didn't feel attracted to him. I explained that his pot smoking turned me off several times. He then claimed it wasn't always like that, that even on vacations, when he didn't smoke, I didn't have the drive he has. I explained to him I was always like that and that sometimes sex can be painful for me, and it feels like work. He said things like, "well, maybe you haven't found the right guy yet" (are we begging for reassurance or what?) To that I told him I loved ML with him and said again that I have heard similar complaints in previous relationships. I approach a R with a lot of lust and than I get bored.
Anyway, I tried reassuring him that I am attracted to him and that there's nothing wrong with him. That our sex life has actually improved lately because we are finally kissing now (I avoided kissing him because of the smell of marijuana).
I told him he has no idea hom much pot has gotten in the way of our R, in every single way. He said he took responsibility for it.
Then started to talk a little dirty and I felt the conversation was starting to lighten up, but I had to go because I had some medical exams to be done in order to volunteer to the rescue squad.
I was going to pass by the house to get the dog and walk him, but it wasn't here. H never comes at lunch time to get the dog. I also checked the caller ID and saw he called right after I got off the internet. So he has passed by right after online talk and took the dog with him (maybe to do some tricks later on today ).
Ok, he told you he didn't cheat. Whether he did or not, drop it. Trust me, you really don't want to know. (I still have trouble with this one...two years after the fact!)
I don't have a whole lot of time right now...I have to get back to work. But I wanted to stop in for a moment. There is a lot going on here, and I remember being there with my H. There is tons of hope! He's interested, he isn't totally pulling away.
I'm not sure when, but I will get back to you sometime this weekend with a better response. Take care, and make sure to do something special for yourself this weekend, ok?
I don't blame you. I know that I have asked H myself. Especially since he has already been on a "date" of sorts. I wouldn't be able to handle it later if I found out he had an A. There are all these hurt feelings now, I would just rather get it out of the way now along with all this other crummy stuff. That is just me though. I know H has lied to me a few times since this has started about 10 weeks ago and I have asked that he not lie to me anymore no matter what or how much it may hurt me. (Sorry for the mini-hijack )
I agree, there seems to be a lot of positives here. I know he seems like he needs a lot of validation and reassurance. Men are just like that. My H is like that too. It is so hard to know what to say to them when they say things like this. Seems like they want validation or us to make over them and then we do and pull away from us. And they say we (women) are confusing!
I hope you have a great weekend and if there is a "dog trick" going on, it goes well.
So H showed this morning that he has been reflecting on us, right? Right.
So I am waiting for him to drop off the dog. I am thinking, if he did this, he probably wants to see me today. So, that's why I stayed at home (must remember not to do that EVER again).
About 9:30 he opens the door, lets the dog in and closes it.
This time I ran downstairs FURIOUS!!! I yelled at him as he was getting in his car. He showed frustration, almost throwing a tantrum, as he walked back towards the house.
I asked why he was still being such a d... He said I had asked for it (for distance). I said, "how many times do I have to say I said that because I was angry?"
Then he said that's why he didn't come upstairs. He knew we would get into something and his friend was waiting in the car to go to a party.
We discussed a little and he started to walk away. I yelled "jerk" a couple of times and finally cursed before slamming the door.
I thought that since I had broken so many of my DBing rules, why not go all out, since the damage was done.
I left about half a dozen messages on his cell phone and, to my surprise, he called back, very calm.
He let me yell at him and acted very DB himself. Said that he understood that I was so mad because he WAS being a jerk. Told me to yell at him all I wanted. Then told me we would talk the next day.
As the conversation calmed down (and I thanked him for letting me vent) he confessed he was afraid of getting involved with me because he thought I would leave him someday. He said he didn't know how to let his guard down. He felt like I didn't give him the love he deserved.
He said I am sad like that because I can't have him, but If I could, I would relax again and we would go back to our old patterns.
I told him I didn't want that to happen either with a list of reasons why and because we had changed so much in the last months.
After I reassured him, he said that he got scared when he wanted to reconcile because he felt pressured to come back home sooner than he was ready for.
I told him I thought that HE was moving too fast. I told him that I went out so I didn't have to run into him and that he kept coming over and I felt controlled. He listened silently to that and said he didn't know I felt the same way as he did: that I wanted to take it REALLY slow.
We talked for a long time and it felt as if we were moving forward. He was in the middle of this party, but talked with me for a long time.
We hang up with him saying that I should try and relax and get some sleep.
However, I decided to clean some of the house for my mom (she is coming to visit) and this empty feeling just hit me. I don't think I ever cryed this much. I had to actually sit down on the floor because I felt so overwhelmingly weak.
Normally, I would have called a friend, especially after learning about DB.
However, because he had been so validating and nice, I called him. Told how sad I was and how tired of being sad I have been.
He was cold then. Said we could talk the next day.
The conversation escalated to him saying again that he doesn't want to be married and can't give me what I want. He said I never gave him the space he needed, that I only talked about this (not true) and never allowed us to be friends again.
I told him that becoming friends as we are still married but not talking about our R (actually a DB rule) would be like having an elephant in the room. I told him we needed some ground rules, such as, we meet once a week and have fun, for example.
He said again, let's talk tomorrow.
Then he told me he still had mixed feelings, but because of my drama, I was forcing him to make a decision. I told him, "if that's what you want..." and we hung up.
)
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