In the past, whenever he was sick, he deeply appreciated my attention.
Last time he got sick when we were married (cause he has been getting sick every week since the bomb - I think his nerves are affecting his immune system) I took care of him for a while, but a week later he was still whinning and I started to actually get pissed because I knew he wanted attention and I started distancing.
One day he woke up claiming he had a fever and was about to go to the doctor. I decided to play the wife, put some clothes on and headed to the drugstore to get him meds and a thermometer. By the time he took the first drug he was suddenly feeling better and didn't have a fever anymore.
Once he recovered from that, he thanked me over and over again for taking care of him.
JJ said once that going dark should actually be like a dim switch that you bring the light up or down as you go, so I think I should get out of the dark for a minute, pamper him by showing my concern (if that's what he wants), and see what happens.
I think that this will be a great little "experiment", just to see what happens. You made a wonderful observation about "what worked" in the past, and it may just work again.
DO let us know how it goes!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I just called him and left a message. A pretty simple one: "just wanted to know how your doctor's visit went. You asked me not to worry about you, but I do worry, so just let me know"
No lovey dovey, so I guess that's not too much pursuing. Now I will pull away and see what happens.
He is not answering his phone - maybe punishing me for asking for space?
PS: he is not doing any more passive-aggressive behavior. I pointed it out in our last fight that he left "clues" around the house about his moods towards me. Since our fight no clothes have been removed, no food has been taken, no pictures have been turned upside down.
Quote: I just called him and left a message. A pretty simple one: "just wanted to know how your doctor's visit went. You asked me not to worry about you, but I do worry, so just let me know" No lovey dovey, so I guess that's not too much pursuing. Now I will pull away and see what happens.
I think it was good you called to check on him and kept your message brief and to the point. I think you did good.
I agree - a neutral message showing concern but not being pushy now we sit back and wait (we not you as everyone here is with you in this so we wait together - you are not alone) bj
H hasn't answered my message in any way, shape or form.
I get really angry and want to say all kinds of nasty things to him, but this would be more of the same for old caverna.
New caverna holds on and waits, but oh, god, it's so hard! There are so many mean things he needs to hear, but what good can that bring anybody, but my instant tension release?
I want to tell him to go ahead and file, but HE hasn't even mentioned it anymore. His distance, in a way, is a good sign. It means he hasn't decided on THAT yet, but I confess I am scared. Could he be buying time?
He did say he needed time to "straighten his head."
I have been reading "men are from mars..." and even though I don't believe much the concept that genders are THAT different, I want to give the rubber band idea a try. There is also something like that on "Love must be tough." Basically, if he is going one way, I have to go the opposite direction.
He is back online. He had blocked me since Friday. That usually means he wants to communicate. It's strange how he chose the internet as his means of communication with me but, hey, if it works...
We actually met online; I don't know if I had mentioned this.
Tomorrow I will unblock him during work hours and see if he has anything to say.
I also read men are from mars and thought yeah right but since being at Uni and having done neuropsychology I have discovered that there brains are actually different to ours (shows up on brain scans) and they have different neurological outputs to ours.
So what I am saying here is that as females we will never work out what they are thinking or why (not that I believe we can work out what another person is thinking anyway only what we would think should we be in there position) this I believe is the basis behind not trying to work out anothers thoughts.
Behaviours are much easier - they can be seen (still misinterpreted) he seems to go dark himself possibly when unable to cope with things but now your are unblocked so I guess you could take this as some kind of open invitation - like him opening the door and saying come on in
this is truly another of those boys on one side and girls on the other isn't it
one makes a move and the other has to correctly interpret what the move means
animals beat us hands down, my dog wags his tail and he is saying hey I am happy to see you -he growls (at the the other dog) a clear go away from me.
we on the other hand are rarely that honest even with ourselves.
I guess you will know tomorrow if he responds to your unblock hanging in there with you good luck bj
When I came home, the dog wasn't here. Usually that means H is bringing it back later, when he knows I am going to be at home. That's why I call it "the dog trick." When he wants to see me, he keeps the dog till later in the evening.
I had told H when I was angry last week that he should call before he came over, so I could get out of the house not to see him.
Later on I appologized for being so harsh and he said now HE wanted the distance.
Anyway, he called the house and announced he would be here whithin 15 minutes. He came, openned the door, let the dog in and closed it.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!! He drives me crazy!!!!
So I immediately called him with a very calm voice and said: "I don't know why you are still playing this game. It's so silly. I appologized already. Your avoiding me now is your choice. Just remember that."
I don't know if I did right. Maybe calling him reinforced that he wants me to keep appologizing. Maybe I shouldn't have reacted to it.
I have to learn not to react to his obvious provocations, or else he will keep doing it.
I do think he did this to (AGAIN) get my attention. Otherwise, he would have dropped the dog before I got home (before 9pm). It was 9:30 when he called. He wanted to show me (or test me, or punish me) that he was coming over, but not to see me; just to drop off the dog.
Gosh! Will this ever end?????
The good sign (if there is any) is that he is still trying to get my attention, to get reassurance that I am still interested, that I am still affected by the things he says or do. If he didn't care, there would be no game playing.
Didn't I get married so I wouldn't have to play games anymore???
