Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again H wants to date

hummm, good point, Becca... Avoiding IS a way to show you care... hummm... have to think about that one.

I was reading through one of my diaries from when I met H and it says something like: "...he is complaining that his friend's ex-girlfriend is chasing his friend and acting psycho. He is so glad I am not like this and actually liked to pursuing me"

DUH!

What had worked for me so far is distancing myself. Why is it SO hard to put that in my little head???? Why do I go back to calling and wanting to talk about us????

I need to do another big 180: talking with EVERYBODY about my R. It really confuses me to hear different opinions, ESPECIALLY from people that barely know H and our problems. Most people just think he is an unconsiderate jerk who probably has an A. They don't know how difficult I was with him, how cold and mean I was many times and how I pushed him away. I know most people are just trying to help by making me the better person, but it just doesn't.

Need to stop blabing so much and just trust the DB people because I DO want to save my M.

Because you are human, that is why!

I'm having the same problem, I KNOW what is in the best interest of my marriage is for me to keep my mouth shut, but does that stop me from emailing my H 5 minutes ago to ask him if he won't consider putting his wedding ring back on? Nope. It is really hard to just say what I feel I need to say.

Not intending to hijack your post, just saying that I know how it is.

Have to keep in mind that we will stumble along the way. It is all part of the process. We will say things that we shouldn't have and it will push things back a little bit...and we will have to start over, but eventually we will get it right.

((hugs))

I have been in a strange good mood today. I haven't cryed since Sunday, a real big progress for me. GAL is really helping. I have been making a lot of friends and going out a lot. Plus, I am looking to start a new career.

The more I read nevanna's thread, the more I think about my own stitch in a different light. She didn't pursue her H, but she showed that she cared and left the doors open to him (I still can't believe how centered she was through her stitch - I would have gone ballistic MANY times). Anyway, one thing that she did that I just can't seem to do: she UNDERSTOOD him, or at least tryed, and validated his feelings.

Whenever my H expresses himself, all I do is punish him and show him he is wrong.

So, I was thinking, I know I have to do some sort of LRT and not contact him to talk about R or ask him out, but I think it would be a good move from my part just to check up on him and see if he is ok, since he is so depressed.

I think I was TOO harsh with him. He was here trying to express how upset and confused he has been and all I did was kick him out of the room and yell that he was driving ME crazy.

So I want to change my LRT a bit and see what happens.

There, this is the e-mail I sent:

Hi,
I know we are not talking and all, but I have been in a real good mood today and just wanted to check up on you.
You don't have to write anything, if you don't feel comfortable, but if you could, just send me a smiley face with the mood you are on lately. I just wanted to know how you are doing.
M

hi Caverna

I have been reading through your last few posts and am glad that you have feeling good lately

I agree there is a fine line between DBing well, and being aware of your H depression. This makes it so much harder for you but think we can take great inspiration from ( I think it was Verbeena stich) I read the whole lot and at times there it wasn't good but she did great and I am going to try and do some of what she did myself - reading this (and thankyou for posting the link) gives us hope.

I was thinking today as I was driving home that so far I have been lucky non of my family and friends have told me to 'forget him' infact my mum said the other day she misses him, so I have been very lucky to not have friends give me conflicting information which seems so logical when they say it.

it is good to see you making new friends
hope all goes well
bj

He hasn't returned my e-mail yet.

In the past, what worked to get a response from him was just wait and LRT. What didn't work was reaching out for him again. When that happens, he only gets angrier and colder.

Have to keep that in mind.

He finally answered my e-mail.
His e-mail was very direct and cold. No hi, no bye. Just the facts - told me first where the mail key was (I had been looking for it).

Then he said that he had been bleeding 'down there' and was going to see a doctor about it today because it could be serious, something like prostate cancer. But, ironically, he wrote afterwards, "but don't worry about me, I'm fine."

At first I was upset about the coldness of the e-mail. I know I shouldn't read too much into his words and actions, but since I know him, here is what I think:

- He is finally going to a doctor (!!!) This could be a good excuse.
- If he didn't want me to be worried about him, he wouldn't have told me about the possible "cancer." Of course he wants attention with that! He knows things related to his health always keep me awake at night. He is probably even expecting me to call him today and see how the doctor went.

I don't know what to do about that. Should I call him since that's what he seems to want (attention)? Should I appear concerned about this??? Or should I play it cool and just e-mail him back tomorrow to see how he is? Or wait for the update he promised to give me?

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