Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Unilateral Disarmement - 3

Thank you, SD, for the encouragement. I did appreciate H for dressing up. He grunted. I hope he took it in.

I think today is the anniversary of OW's birthday. H seems downcast and quiet. I think he's expecting me to say something as he hangs around me looking pensive and depressed. I haven't taken the bait. I just don't want to hear him say that he still misses her or that he's unhappy or whatever. I just don't think that what he'd have to say would be easy to hear or even constructive for our R.

H broke up with OW on her birthday a year ago for the last time as far as I know. She'd said it was curtains if he didn't go to her residential birthday party and he chose not to go. I'd also said that I didn't want him to come home if he went. The A had by that time already lasted over a year (on and off).

This is also the anniversary of H telling me that he didn't find me attractive. I can't believe that I've been celibate for over a year now. I guess there are worse fates. I sometimes imagine hugging him but since he made it clear in C that it suits him that I don't initiate any physical contact, I don't!

I'm feeling on a pretty even keel. I'm so much more detached than I was a year ago. I wish H would enjoy me and our family but I figure that it is his business if he doesn't and there isn't much more I can do. I've been DBing for a year and a half now. Overall, H has been thawing but today is definitely not a good day. At times, I feel angry and pissed off with him but I'm glad that we've managed to stay together.

By the way, do you guys think I belong in Piecing? We've yet to have a second honeymoon and no intimacy on the horizon. I'm still DBing and H has chosen his family over OW. Does that count as Piecing?

H bought a snake for D8 for Christmas. I'm DBing like mad in that I'm not very keen on the whole thing but H is so into it that I'm taking an interest. I figure better for me to have to live with a snake than OW.

H's birthday is on Monday. Last year I gave him a card that he appreciated but we then had a strained lunch out. He barked at me about how OW had brought lots of amazing things into his life and that he wasn't going to rubbish 2004. This was in the context of me saying that I hoped that 2005 would be better than 2004. I won't make that mistake again. I remember asking for reassurance at our lunch out and not getting any. This year, I'll have no trouble staying away from R talk. A year ago, I was still faltering a lot on that one.

To sum up, I've now GAL in which H's feelings don't figure nearly as prominently as they used to. I am affected by his lack of enthusiasm about us but I basically have very low expectations of what he can offer me at the moment in terms of intimacy. I'm not sure if that is a good thing. It was odd seeing him hugging D8 this morning. She had come into our bed and the way he hugged her reminded me of what he was like with me before the A--hugging while half asleep with his face in the pillow. S6 is very affectionate with me and me with him. I wonder whether that is odd for H. He probably doesn't even notice it.

Yesterday, an old friend of H's whom I hadn't seen since before the A came by. H was so animated in his presence. It made me realize that his light is dimmed around me. H's friend had sent me a nice letter at Christmas saying that he was very impressed with how H and I were finding a way through a difficult situation. I thought that was encouraging as he gets all our news through H. In other words, H must think we're finding a way through!

As always, I look forward to some feedback. Thank you in advance.

Wendy

Hi Wendy - It is a long road isn't it? Thank goodness we have agreeable fellow travellers.

By the way, do you guys think I belong in Piecing?

Yes! Your difficulties now are exactly those we have all been through, and in different shades, still struggle with. The good days, the downright why-did-I-even-bother days. Oh yes, you cannot escape us.

I figure better for me to have to live with a snake than OW.

Maybe your H has a sense of humour after all?

H was so animated in his presence. It made me realize that his light is dimmed around me.

It could be guilt, embarassment, regret etc. If he was to describe you to someone he just met, what would he say? How would he describe YOUR feelings for him? Just wondering if you may need to shake things up a little with a couple of 180s, lighten things up a bit?

Slowly

It was lovely to hear from you, Slowly. Thank you for the reassurance that I belong here.

I think you may be right about lightening things up a bit. I would like to think about some 180s.

Today was a busy social day and H has been fine. He seems to do better with lots of people around. He likes an audience and I think he enjoys a fresh one. He loved having spectators when the snake had her weekly meal (a mouse).

I was rereading my posts from a year ago. OW's birthday is today. I do wonder whether or not they've been in touch. We took S10, D8 and nephew to a stand up comedian's this pm and H seemed somewhat preoccupied with his mobile phone. Who knows? I actually can't be bothered to give it too much thought.

After guests left tonight, H helped clean up the kitchen a little more energetically than usual. That was nice.

We're off tomorrow with S10, D8 and nephew to Somerset to stay with my mother. A year ago, H would not have been staying with my family. That has to be progress.

Once we're into 2006 (and kids back at school), I want to sort out some goals and visit some other threads and get to know the Piecing posters better. There is so much wisdom on this BB. I've been on this BB over a year but still have a lot to learn. I keep thinking that when I'm a BB graduate that I can start posting more on other people's threads. I'm starting to realize that I'll never graduate and that I can offer support even if I'm not 'there' myself. So beware, some of you may get input from me before too long!

Happy New Year everyone!

Wendy

Hello

Dear Wendy
Happy new year Wendy – onward and upward in 2006.
Firstly yes of course you belong in piecing – and every day that you are wonderful wendy counts towards a better marriage. Your kindness, understanding and patience will be sinking into your H all the time. It has been a long haul but it’s working.

With regard to your evenings, could you suggest to your H you spend an evening together – playing a game, watching a good film (try and avoid anything with betrayal, adultery ) or if you usually eat en famille make a special meal just for the two of you. Try and do it once a week and no matter how much effort you have put in don’t forget to appreciate your H spending the time with you rather than in his office.

lots of love

Hello Wendylon,
I haven't posted here before, I'm over at the MLC forum. I was just searching for someone living with H, with no intimacy (yet). H moved back in August, our R is better than ever in all other aspects, but he just won't touch me in any way. I get so discouraged at times. I also found out H is sending messages to a possible OW2. I'm debating if I should confront him about this or not.
I'm not showing much affection for fear of rejection. Your thread got me wondering if I should just give him a kiss every now and then. Well, the times I have given him a peck on the lips, he has not run out screaming. In fact he gave me one a couple of days ago...
Your H is much more open about his reasons than mine. Maybe they are just so afraid to "go back" and be stuck with the life they were so desperately trying to run away from?


Dauphine

Thanks for posting, Dauphine. I've been following your thread and I think you're doing really well. Just keep going!

As far as my sitch goes, I hadn't mentioned OW in months and then had a blip recently because I got a pang of feeling suspicious. H had just gone out to get his high-street coffee. He came back and announced that he was going out again to talk to his MF from his mobile so he could walk around at the same time.

My response was that his plan sounded weird. He said that he was trying to reassure me and this was exactly why he wouldn't bother in the future. (I was crying and upset.) The convo moved onto to me saying that if his R with OW was still 'alive', that I couldn't do it it any more. H never said that it was dead, but he said that he felt he was doing really well,that he had recommitted to the family, and that he didn't know anyone who had managed to do what he was doing. He said that he wasn't having an A and had no intention of having one, but that of course he still has feelings about OW and that he might talk about her with his friend. (I had asked whether he wanted to go out so he could talk about OW or run into OW, or what.)

I hate the way he goes on about 'recommitting to the family'. What am I--an unavoidable appendage? I also felt a bit hurt that he sees his recommitting as being so worthy of self-congratulation. Is it such an effort?

Luckily, I didn't say any of the latter bit to him, but I do feel peeved. I also started feeling sorry for myself that we still have no physical or verbal intimacy. If I hear him saying, "Darling,....", I know he's addressing one of the children and not me.

I've been DBing for ages (18 months) and I'm feeling a bit discouraged that the progress is so slow. Sure he's home, but he's recommitted to the FAMILY, not me. Although, he has in the past added on "...and I know recommitting to the family involves recommitting to you...".

H has finally found tenants for his mother's flat! The flat has been empty for about 2 years. If his pace with me is anything like his pace with his mother's flat then it will be years before we're what I would consider a real couple again.

Even though I brought up the topic of OW, I actually don't think of her much. I can walk around without even wondering if I'll run into her. Funnily enough, I haven't seen her in a while. When I drive by where she lives, I forget to check whether her car is there. I used to drive down her road on purpose and now I drive down it without even thinking of her. That has to be progress. I also don't think that H is in touch with her.

The hearing for S6 (son with special needs) is coming around--4 weeks from yesterday. The outcome will have such a huge impact on our family that it's sort of hard to see too far beyond that. We will know whether we've won or lost 2 weeks after the hearing. I think H will do most of the talking.

Next week, we all go skiing. I haven't been in 12 years. H went with S10 and D8 last year and this year we're all going back to the same place--with one of S6's therapists. A year ago, I remember that H was still really depressed. The week before he went skiing he could hardly get out of bed. At the time, he'd said that he'd maybe move out on his return from the ski-trip. Things were still very unstable a year ago. They are much more stable now but not much warmth.

To those of you that have been following this thread, is there a discernible trend? Are we stagnating? What can I do?

One thing I could do is validate H when he talks about doing really well with his recommitment to the family but it sticks in my throat. I don't like that he sees it as such a laudable act on his part.

Any input appreciated!
Wendy

Hi Wendy,

Good to see you posting! I've followed your sitch for some time, and am glad to see the success that you've had, realizing that there is still lots of hard DBing to be done.

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I think you may be right about continuing to lighten things up. I would like to think about some 180s.

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It seems like lightening things up would really help your sitch. Both of you sound weighted down with many things, from your kids stuff, to the A, to his depression. Activity and lightness of being might do wonders, especially for the two of you. I liked how he invited you to dinner with him and the other couple in December. Why not more of that inclusion while still allowing for individual pursuits?

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H seemed somewhat preoccupied with his mobile phone. Who knows?

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Why not have an open door policy that includes scrutiny of each others computer and phone activity to reassure until trust is better established. Has this issue been addressed in any form of MC? I know that it might feed any control issues, and that as a couple you should instead march on toward positive goals, rather than trying to control the avoidance of negative events. Have you two talked about it recently, using "I" statements and staying as nondefensive as possible?

Best,

Gabriel

Thank you so much for stopping by, Gabriel. I've just caught up on your sitch and admire your DBing talents--especially when you XW is off base. I think S6 is very lucky to have you as a father.

Thanks for reminding me about lightening up. We have had a few social inclusive things since December. They do work well. My grandmother has invited us to Montreal in June. When I told H, he assumed that meant we were going. I hadn't assumed that. H and I used to travel quite a lot together before kids. He misses it and I don't. I'm sure travelling more would be good for us. But, how do we lighten up without spending lots of money?

To anwer my own question, I wonder whether we could do more fun stuff within our everyday life. For example, I've initiated us watching '24' as a family. H is really enjoying it which is nice. Often I have programmes that I'm into with S10 and D8 and he stays on the periphery.

How else to lighten up? H is very sensitive and hates feeling that he's being teased or laughed at. I sometimes think that we're in a funny situation. I may laugh--in what I feel is a friendly way--only to find that H is hurt. As I see it, H takes himself very seriously and if he can turn a situation into one where is the butt of the laughter then he does that. We used to have lots of fights about his paranoia but, not surprisingly, they got us nowhere good.

I need to help us lighten up but I have to be careful how I do it: without spending and without H feeling that he is not being taken seriously.

As for checking each other's phone and computer, I have to admit that I really don't feel like doing it. I can't be bothered and I wouldn't like the image of myself checking. I figure that if he's up to any funny business I'll know it sooner or later. Maybe I'm just being naive, I don't know. Thank you though, Gabriel, for bringing up the topic. It's helpful for me to be aware that I'd rather not have to look for information. I hadn't realized to what extent I was making a choice in that direction.

We have our C session tomorrow. I don't have any ideas of what to talk about. I do have moments of feeling warmth and affection towards H, but not many at the moment. More than anything, I feel critical and angry. I'm surprised that I'm able to DB at all. Maybe he's right, that if he really recommitted, I would stop making such an effort and would give him a really hard time.

H gave a talk at S10's school assembly this a.m. about autism that went very well so he's been in a good mood. Despite his good mood, though, he's still always talking about how tired he is. I've been very good with the duct tape as, from my point of view, he mismanages his sleep to an amazing degree. Basically, he stays up very late. I'm dying to point it out to him. He talks about being tired as if he has ME--something totally mysterious and beyond his control. How can he not make a link between his sleep decisions and his tiredness?

Now that is the sort of thing that I really have trouble understanding and it's that sort of interjection on my part that would make H feel not respected by me. In a way, he's right because I do consider it to be basic stuff--the theory that is (little sleep=tired) not the practice (getting to bed earlier). I have lots of sympathy for him not managing his time but very little for him not even seeing the problem as one of time-management.

How can I get off my high horse? I keep ending up in a self-righteous and unattractive place. Maybe I'm just wound up too tight and take logic too seriously. More work needed.

Wendy

hiya Wendy
How did you ski?
After reading your post of a few weeks ago I wondered if you could create a situation in which your H would feel like supporting you. I know you don't like doing things which feel unnatural to you but sometimes it may be helpful to give a little prod to ease the feeling of stagnation. Could you stop by Hs study on your way to bed and tell him something from your past that you were thinking about which showed your vulnerability. Obviously you can't expect him to respond in any way but whatever way it is - even if he says nothing you could thank him for listening and give him a little kiss. My H said to me the other day that sometimes he puts his arm around me and feels he is cuddling a child, which was something he had never felt before and that he likes it because it makes him feel manly.

I can't remember how physical you were before the A - what was it like at the beginning of the relationship?

I still don't have much confidence about giving advice but hope you can 'do' something.
lots of love