Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Attitude leads to Behaivior, Behaivior Leads to At

<singing in my best Sandra Bullock>

H P's been gettin some, H P's been getting some, H P's been getting some, she's very cheery.

Why I get angry is easy.

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I wrote a ton about my reasons and answered your questions. saved it for future reference.
I regret further commenting on my sitch. it doesnt belong here and I am not DBing either. I am not going to anymore. I understand pro marriage minded ladies wanting things to work out for me. Thank you. Its appreciated.

Forgiveness is already done.

blackfoot, for the record (and since I know just as much about you as the other women here), I get that you do not want to resume your R with your wife. My post somewhere from David Deida's book about How Can I Leave Him if I Still Love Him speaks to this. Just because you still have feelings for someone, doesn't mean you should still be married to him/her. This applies to both of you. Not every marriage should be saved. To the extent that I have any right to support any decision of yours that is so intimate and personal-- I certainly support and understand your desire to move ahead and not try to resurrect this marriage.

Its when she does start acting like she wants to come back that I get internally PO'ed.

I can relate to this. What really bugs me is when I hear his words filtered through my 7 year old daughter, "Daddy loves you mommy and he misses you. He "likes" OW as a friend, but he loves you." D8 is rolling her eyes....This after he brought my kids along on a weekend visit to his parents' house with ow and her kids.

He's made his choice, he needs to stop confusing the kids and stop bugging me...

This is where dbing becomes something for YOU, not necessarily for saving that relationship that was a marriage. I think about giving up the board every now and then, but there are so many people here that have really wise and helpful things to say....I'm not one, but I like to listen

Thank you Lil.

Something about the tone and wording of your post, makes me wonder if you have some empathy for her and hopes she gets away from me too.
Possibly me projecting because of-->When I see how in pain she is, and take ownership of it, I want her too get away also. Its not my reason, but because I do care about her... forgiving her is easy. myself not so.


Everyone here has been so gentle with me IMO, I had expected hoped even for more smacking, pointing out of my flaws and serious failures as a H.

Id like to hear any 'beat down BF' diatribes(insights on my personality flaws) you(anyone, guys? come-on) may have. (gosh this is so needy it makes me shiver, but that is why I am here.)
And I wont even come back with witty quips, or a 'ton of bricks'.

Dang I lost my first post lets try again.

I did that twice neither time did you appreciate my calling you niave.

But truth be told you own up to your side of the downfall of your relationship. You with your I am the man so I should have.... egotistical attitude has laden you with more then your share of the burden. So ball busting is really nor required here.

I often read in the infidelity forum. And so many times you see someone who's spouse not only has other person walks away and so forth but then when other person and there relationship fizzles they move on to another person while the left behind spouse waits around for them.
Sometimes it is really hard to not want to shake them into the reality that what they are waitting on is not well you know...

I posted this once on a thread in the infidelity forum

I do not think DB'ing is to be used to avoid closure. There are some here that have been doing it for years?
I think it is about making sure you try. It is about showing you how to. But it is not suppose to be about living the rest of your life waiting for your spouse to see you have changed while they are out living there life.

So my thinking you have given your wife ample opportunity.
You have put in unhindered effort to fix your sitch and extend your wife forgiveness.
But there is a time for closure and maybe your is now.

I know I have questioned of late how over it you are( you know what I mean). And how locked down your mind is (such logical controlled unemotional wordage). But I believe you know what is right for you in this situation.

I am not pro/anti marriage nor am I pro/anti divorce.
The need for both rely's on the person and the situation.

I think you are a great guy (cyberly) and know who you are well enough to know what you need to do.

And as I feel about all here you deserve happiness. And it is up to you to find it.

And I as others I am sure will stay around and cheer you on until you achieve that goal.

Geez, just when I finish saying how much of a validator I am, you go and ask for a smack down.
Ok, here's my take. You are oviously a very intelligent man but you come off cocky and grandiose. Nothing you haven't heard before. Cockiness can be attractive to a woman in the short term but long term, eh, not so much. It would wear on me after a while (can't speak for all women of course).
I can just imagine you having the women swoon all over you at the bar, maybe even take a few home
But what about afterwards? You clearly need some mental stimulation bf not just in your pants. Probably why you are here. Makes tons of sense.
Your ex was mentally stimulating as well as physically stimulating. I'm sure she would say the same about you. You have the potential to be an amazing "catch".
BUT your aloofness, jealousy, and macho bs will get in the way everytime. You didn't fight for her, bf. Darn pride got in the way. I can imagine you going into your next R with even more walls built up around you. She HURT you and the bf we all know and love here won't put up with that sh*t. Better to be in control, right?
BS! Your control will be your demise. I DO understand why you want to move on from the ex. If that is truly what you want then you should do it. However, what have you really learned from this experience that will make you more successful in the next R/M, especially if you end up having children with the next one?

So here's the gist of it: lay off the macho stuff a touch, open yourself up to your emotions, even the horrible ones, stop comparing yourself to others (and don't tell me you don't because I know that you do), work on the self-esteem issues (yes, I mean that), be proud of who you are but not overly cocky, admit your faults and mistakes (especially to the woman in your life). Overconfidence will be tested by women. That's how we are Let's face it. You failed the test. It was a brutal test but you were not up for the challenge. I'm sure you know that and that is probably what is eating at you the most. We all have motivations and needs. All of us are far from being self-actualized, but I think it may bug you more than others

LFL.

Told BF a simular thing in one of my first post to him.
Though his cocky and egotistical behavior is very attractive as a attention getter that after a while I fear it would be come overwhelming and overpowering . Which would later tend to become unattractive.

I would like to just personally say that I am SOOOO attracted to BF that it would never end. I don't know what you gals are biatching about. He's the best.

Right on, sister!
I mean Chrissy.
I'm a little punchy tonight. And I'm not even drinking,lol.
I'm just trying to imagine being in a long-term R/M with Blackfoot (this is where you hear the Wayne's World "doodaledoo" over and over and see the wavy watery transition to dream/imagination.
(Maybe the Starbucks Jave Chip ice cream is making me loony )
Anyways, I would probably constantly feel on edge around him. I'd like it in the beginning and then it would probably sap my strength after a while. Always having to be "on" and such. Might even start to perceive him viewing me as inferior, that he could do better.
And any strong smart woman is going to show him, put him to the test. In fact, I don't think he would be attracted to anyone who didn't eventually test him He doesn't go for wallflowers. And thus, the Catch-22. He will continue to attract those very females who will kick him in the ass down the road. Sorry Blackfoot, just telling it as I see it. What other way could there be?