Nothing like 'walk a mile in my shoes'. How about taking those pantyhose with the run in them and making a halloween mask? just don't go to the bank to replace your debit card with them over your head!
Would it make you feel to actually take a break from all this crap? or to keep forging ahead and get it done? do what makes you feel best.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Sorry to hear that you reached this point Hope, but I'm proud you made this stand.
Forgive me if I'm generalizing or being negative, but there does seem to be this tendency on the board to rationalize or make excuses for the walk away spouse (ie they are in MLC, the aliens got him/her) or otherwise always think the best of the S/XS. I've read threads where the LBS talks about, even mentions to their spouse, how they know they were controlling, distant, or didn't spend enough time with them and meanwhile talk about the WAS's many positive traits.
It's okay I think to realize our faults and the actions that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, but there comes a time, especially given the effort many of us have made to improve ourself, when we have to realize our own merits and the positive contributions we could make in a healthy relationship. And when appropriate we have to realize that perhaps the person that we hope to reestablish a relationship with isn't the best one for us and maybe never will be. There is always more than one way to look at a situation, but always looking from the perspective of the WAS and "taking their side" isn't always the right way. We each in our own time need to decide when enough is enough and move on without criticism or cajoling to "try again". Despite our best efforts, sometimes the best thing to do for ourselves is to walk away from a situation that is not in our best interest. Even when we feel we love someone, maybe especially when we feel we love someone, we need to take a step back and ask ourselves if a relationship with this person we feel we want so badly is worth it. If you've reached that point Hope then I support your decision 100%.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I agree with Just_Me. We all have to decide when enough is enough and when we've reached that point individually.
You have put a tremendous amount of time and energy into trying to work through things. You should be proud of yourself for that. I don't know if I have that much determination in me to be that patient.
Quote: We all have to decide when enough is enough and when we've reached that point individually.
I am somewhat at this point, so let me share my thoughts. It is so darn difficult to know whether you are at that point or not. It is not only how I feel, and what did it take for me to feel the way I do. And what about kids? Shouldn't I think about kids before I make a decision? My W decided to discount the damage that a D will cause to them, but I cannot underestimate the negative impact on them.
I also struggle to determine whether my W has reached a point of no return. These WAS keep sending a conflict signals and who knows, maybe they do will come back if we just stick to it for a bit longer.
I do not know, my friends. By any measures, this has been the most difficult time of my life. With all experience that I've accumulated in my 51 years, I feel like a teen who just learning how life works.
Hopeful, I pray that you will make the best decision for you and your kids. I know you are strong and wise to do so.
All - if I thought there was any chance left I would take it. But at this point, I just don't see it. He gives me absolutly nothing in return now. Not even a thank you or kindness.
We're civil with each other, but that's it. He does his thing and avoids me when we're together at home. There is no R to speak of. Since he got back from CA, I've gotten one hug, that I stole from him while he was mostly asleep.
And yes, the kid part is what's really bothering me. If D9 was my real daughter I would tell him to go and leave the kids. Go do whatever you feel you need to. We'll carry on just fine. And we would. But she's not mine. I know what kind of single parent XH is. And to me, not a very good one. He would put D9 on to whom ever he could so he could go out and party. Maybe this time will be different but in his state of mind, I don't really think so. I love D9 as if she were mine. I've been her mom since she was 3. Not to mention D11 and I have moved five times in the past two years. She's happy where she's at and is doing so well in school. I guess if it comes to it I will have to see what she want to do. At 11, what do you all think? Is she old enough to decided where we should live and what school she wants to go to?
And then there is last night...
Journaling... Last night he wanted to talk, so we did. He said he did a lot of thinking while he was gone. He knows why he's unhappy and what he wants to do to fix it. He wants to live in the city. He wants to either sell or rent the house out (yes, the one we just bought three months ago) and move to the city. Because that will make him happy. This is not the life he wanted nor is raising his daughter in the suburbs what he wants. His solution is to give it all up and move, again. No mind to the fact that the house is nice, the neighborhood is wonderful, the kids love their school and are involved in activities and have lot of friends. No mind to the fact that we just bought the house in a neighborhood that is brand new and still most under construction.
And notice this is all "he" and "his daughter". Right after this he asks me what I want to do. I just looked at him and laughted. My attitude was "whatever you want to do". Like moving to the city with bad schools and a high crime rate is a good place to raise a kid and then you'll FINALLY be happy. Right. Anyone believe that's going to happen?
I don't know what I'm going to do. Stay or sell or what. I think I'm going to tell him I'd like to get through the holidays first and then we can talk about this some more. I don't think waiting two more months will kill, but I'm sure he will.
reading some of these posts i think that all the men and all the woman should D and marry each other because all we men want is a women like you. keep going it will all work for you if you truely believe
What happened to when he was in CA and said he missed you? where did that go? I know, each day and each hour is different, but is this week another slump?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
This statement you made says a lot, don't you think?
Quote: I don't know what I'm going to do.
You're becoming very strong. You're realizing that moving probably will not make him happy, or yourself, or your children for that matter. Running away rarely solves anything.
Would XH consider letting "HIS' daughter stay with you while he goes out and explores the world on his own? Let him move to the city....alone, if you aren't 100% sure that YOU want to. I think it's wise that you want to wait thru the holidays to make a decision as well.
