Jo - I am so sorry, but glad to know that nature took it's course and you were not forced to take an active role. I'm sure that gives you some peace of mind.
Hello Everyone, and thanks to Hope, Linda, jdd, Jill, Wes etc who sent best wishes.
Ellie - yes I am thankful I didn't take those pills - I would have felt like a murderer if I had. I didn't plan any of this but after a few days I got kind of pleased at the idea of another baby and now there isn't going to be one, I feel so let down and disappointed.
I wish I hadn't told Andy now, because now I've got to tell him we're not having one, right in the middle of his dad dying. Well, I am hoping he won't be bothered since he didn't want one anyway - but he didn't blame me for it like I thought he would and he did ask questions about it and act concerned, so I can't really say how he will feel about it.
I am thankful at least that I wasn't 5 months pregnant, or something, that would have been awful. At least I only thought I was having one for about a week.
Andy has a hereditory abnormality of chromasome 17 which has a 50/50 chance of passing on to any children we have, causing them to be disabled. Our 3 eldest are normal, and I think DD4 is normal too although she has not had the genetic test so I can't say for certain (symptoms don't develop till age 5 - it's like a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off), she doesn't display any of the warning signs so I'm pretty sure she's normal.
Anyway, as I have had several miscarriages and 2 threatened ones I have a theory that maybe those babies I lose carry the chromasome abnormality. Andy says no, it can't kill, but the biggest reason for miscarriage is chromasome abnormality and with such a high risk ratio, it wouldn't surprise me.
I am trying to think to myself if I had had one, it probably would have had the disability - and while Andy does fine with it, I wouldn't particularly want a child of mine to have it.
I couldn't reply immediately because DD4 chose tonight to want to do extremely active play (more so than she normally does) while I am all uncomfortable etc. First she wanted me to chase her round the house, then she wanted to play ball and after that she insisted on jumping off the sofa and having me catch her (repeatedly) - while I didn't mind the chasing, having her jump at me at great speed was quite painful.
She usually plays role play games (pretending to vaccum, pretend cooking, making cups of tea, mothering her dollies) and stuff like colouring with crayons and looking at books. She rarely asks to do physical stuff so it's weird that today when I'm in pain she would want to.
I didn't get her to bed until 9 o clock - she was bursting with energy.
I went to the dr this morning to get checked over. I am okay, and will have a heavier than normal 'period' but otherwise normal. The blockage in my tubes cleared, everything has cleared, but I am heinously disappointed. The IVF clinic want to know if I am still interested in donating. I have made an appointment to talk about it next week.
I think I still will when I am recovered, but without the chemo drugs.
Came home, felt ill so I lay down on the sofa for a bit. Then Andy and the girls came round and he asked what I'd been up to. When I said I've been to the doctor, he guessed what happened. Luckily (I think?) he didn't react badly, in fact I didn't get any reaction at all except for an 'I'm sorry' and 'are you still bleeding now?'
I asked how he was and about his dad. They are amazed that he has lasted this long. The doctors told him on the 19th that he only had a few hours to live and he's still here now so apparently the doctors have a bit of renewed hope.
They keep trying to reduce his sedation and see how he copes on his own, but every time they do that, his blood pressure sky rockets and his heart rate goes all erratic, until they have to up the sedation again. They are going to try him on a different sedation drug and see if that helps.
If he doesn't start trying to breathe on his own they may consider reducing his life-support until his heart fails but they haven't reached that decision yet.
In his sedated, ventilated state he is quite stable so we are now thinking he may have another week or more left, if he doesn't recover - rather than the day or so we first thought.
The girls asked to play in the garden and we both said (at exactly the same time) 'Okay, but stay in the garden and don't go near those boys'. That was quite funny.
They went out and Chloe and Kyle came round to play too.
While they were in the garden, Andy talked about his dad and his feelings a bit more and I tried to say appropriate comforting things. I told him how well I thought he was holding it together.
Then the girls came back in and started playing with toys in DD4's bedroom and brought them into the living room and littered the entire house with toys from one end of the carpet to the other, LOL.
Andy went on my Yahoo messenger and figured out how to work the radio so he played loads of rock music (quite good, actually).
Then I made drinks for the girls and coffee for me and Andy, and handed round the biscuits that I bought especially for today. We all got through the whole packet!
I can't remember how it started, but Andy brought up the subject of my mother; I think because his father is dying, my R with her is on his mind. He kept pressing me to see her and said that 'she keep trying to gain your approval and can't'. I told him it was the other way around. He said that she told him that because I chose to raise the kids so different from the way she raised me, she thinks I am saying she was wrong to bring me up the way she did and that I don't approve of how she looked after me. I said that is ridiculous, I am Jo and she is her and we are 2 different people. I might have made different choices for my kids, but that doesn't mean I was shunning her.
He told me that neither of us would be the first one to make a move and we both had to want an R. I said to him that I didn't want an R with her anymore. I reminded him that she called me a 'sexual divient', and a 'liar' in a letter to the judge in the middle of my custody battle and she near on accused Andy of rape. The woman is completely barking mad. I said 'Andy, I was molested, on Christmas Eve, of all nights, and I turn to my mother and she calls me a sexual divient to the judge right before my custody trial for the kids. How can you expect me to forgive her for that?' He said life is too short to hold grudges. He said she only attacks because she feels threatened by you, she still wants your love and acceptance.
I told him I tried. I tried for years and the last time I saw her (Christmas 03) I showered her with presents and wine and brought a film round I thought she would enjoy. I busted my gut trying to be friendly and after only the 2nd visit to her in a year, she does that, to the judge in my custody trial! I said, Andy, some people are just plain bad for you, and some people you can't have an R with no matter how much you want one. I then reminded him that our own family was in dire straits and that my ONLY priority now was the kids and trying to keep things on an even keel with him and avoid disagreements etc. I said that and trying to keep my own life positive was as much as I could do, and that didn't leave any energy left over for trying to fix my R with her.
He looked sad and frustrated, as if he was bugged I wouldn't concede to his point of view, and said he thought my issues with my mother and the fact that she too had been estranged from her mother were the reasons why I wouldn't agree to his idea of a visitation schedule with the girls (the 2 days a fortnight he has been trying to get me to agree to since he left, which is no where near long enough and which I will never agree to).
I didn't particularly want to get into another visitation argument over why I think 2 days a fortnight is an insult, so I just said to him that my grandmother and my mother hated each other virtually their whole lives and that's why they didn't speak, and I couldn't speak to my mother because of all her control and emotional abuse issues - I was 'estranged' from my children, NOT because I hated them, but because a court said I had to be, and after 3 years of fighting over them, I was too worn out to even settle it; I'd rather give in and have a peaceful life.
Andy looked sad and a bit 'haunted' and said 'Yes, but at least if you hated them that would be an emotion, that would be love; you're so neutral, blank, almost.'
I told him that losing my kids and going through that awful court battle for 2 and a half years, having everyone flame me repeatedly when I had done nothing wrong, just broke me completely and it was hard to feel much after that. I told him that if we managed to stop fighting over them, maybe more feeling would come back over time.
He started to look really upset/pissed off so I said (more gently), 'I know why you're saying all this; it's because your dad is in hospital and showing you the fragility of life. You don't want my mother to die and me to regret it; you don't want the kids to grow up and repeat the same pattern with their kids. You are seeing that time runs out and we don't have forever, so you want to fix the family. I know you are saying all this because you care about me, and I appreciate the fact, esp. while your dad is so sick, but my mind is set as far as my mother is concerned.'
He nodded and accepted my statement and we actually managed not to have a row!
Then I went to cook the dinner and tidy up in the kitchen and he came and showed me this watch he had on that he said was his father's, that he had bought him for his 60th birthday last year and had his name engraved on the back. He showed me the engraving. Honestly, he just looked so sad.
I said, 'Andy, I'm so sorry, love.' and he said 'Can I have a platonic hug?' He hugged me and then I pulled away rather awkwardly and tried to make a joke out of it. 'Platonic? Oooh er, Mr Jones! Is that why I'm 'dear' instead of 'dearEST' these days?' He made this face at me and said he didn't remember what he called me.
We all ate dinner together (not much, admittedly, as I had to make food meant to 2 people stretch round 6) - I went without sausages (vegi ones) so that Andy and the girls could all have them. He said thanks and that he appreciated me.
Then I asked the girls to tidy away their toys as he wanted to leave. Instead, he got talking about his dad again so I offered to bake some real food for him to eat at the hospital when he visits him. He smiled and patted me on the shoulder and said thanks.
Then he and the girls all asked if they (the girls) could stay the night and he asked if I'd watch them tomorrow while he goes to the hospital? I said yes to both. The girls were all excited about sleeping over for the first time since March and I was a mixture of pleased and scared, but decided to bite the bullet anyway.
Andy left and as he was leaving, he hugged me again, which was a bit unexpected.
I don't have a thing here for the girls. They don't even have any PJ's so I dug out all my dressing gowns (I own 3 of them) and told them to wear those. You should see DD3 in my dressing gown - she's only 6 and she drowns in it!
DD1 is sleeping in my bed, DD2 is on a camp bed, DD3 is on a fold out chair-bed next to my bed, DD4 is in her usual bed and I will sleep on the sofa tonight - it opens out into a double bed so I'll be comfortable enough.
Emotional day, indeed! But rightly so, with all of the events happening. How great for you and the girls to have each other during such tough times! And for you and Andy to be supports for each other as well (more so you supporting Andy, of course).
I have a brother who's been a rather toxic presence in my adult life. I've distanced myself from him b/c of that, with the mindset of 'maybe' in the future, we'll heal things up, but it would take significant growth on his part, and greater tolerance on mine. I understand your stance with your mother.
I was wondering if the conversation were turning (from Andy's pt of view) to "life is too short" regarding you, he, and the girls, and the need to get on with it in a way that demands some flexibility to start.
When my sitch started, XW insulted me to the core with her demand for S6 to reside with her, and for me to only get 1 overnight/2 wks, and with 2 afternoon visits/wk. It was awful, but I was able to see it as just a starting point, and 10 mo later, we're at about 40-60% time in sharing. I encourage you to start somewhere with the DDs, Jo.
I've read somewhere that the biggest killer of love is pride. Lord knows I had plenty of false pride in my M that helped to get me where I am today. No matter where you and Andy end up, it would be a happier ending if your DDs got to receive more time with you.
I chuckled out loud thinking of your DDs dancing around your place in your nightgowns. Aren't kids great! So much for your restful, self-care filled weekend, tho. Hopefully, you can sneak some of that in, then get back to it during the week.
Well as far as the visitation goes, I know with Andy whatever I accepted now would be permanent, as he has no job (therefore is available for the kids all the time), he home educates which means that literally all week, every week he has things on that he goes to with them, none of which he will give up to fit me into their lives - nor will he include me in what he does with them.
I would have no chance of ever getting him to up the visitation and if I amicably accepted his 2 days a fortnight , I would also shoot my chance of ever contesting in court (they would say you accepted, so you must have agreed with him).
Also, no court is ever going to up my visitation from what he offered when he's educating them as they will say that I am interupting their education. They even said that I should only get every other weekend so he could spend the other weekend with them, this in spite of the fact they don't go to school and he doesn't have a job so he sees them everyday anyway.
At that time it went to trial I had roughly 10 days per month with my children and they said they were going to reduce it to 4 days per month and effectively stop the 2 days a week of home ed I was doing with them at the time, after all the effort I was doing with it (EX-OW1 said I did it better than him, and she was dating him at the time).
I walked out of court in disgust and said to the judge that if that was all they thought of my imput as a mother, then I wasn't going to be one.
It wasn't actually the judge's fault, it was a really prejudiced court welfare officer who took a dislike to me from day 1 and they basically decide the entire case. The judge in fact agreed with me and said he knew why I was walking out and didn't blame me for it, but he hoped Andy would keep the door open for me if I changed my mind.
I have discussed it with Andy numerous times since then and he still says he would not give me more than 2 days a fortnight. So I am not under any illusions that he would up my contact.
The only way he would is if we were proper partners again and he allowed me to attend all the home ed stuff with them.
The kids refused to go to sleep last night and kept getting up and talking till about 1am, until I shouted at them, and then DD3 had a nose bleed in the middle of the night and also talked loudly in her sleep so I didn't get to sleep till 3am.
Got up late, discovered lice in DD4's hair (ugh) so showered her against her will, LOL. Then they watched a movie while I showered.
Pretty standard day of playing, sorting out disputes and housework, and my house is a TIP now. It'll take me forever to clear all this away.
They've eaten every scrap of food in the house and I have no money till Tuesday so we're living off my imagination, LOL.
Andy came round this evening, looking sad and we talked (on our own) about his dad and about him and how he was coping. He says because they've reduced his sedation, he actually smiled this morning, when he saw him, but he cannot manage without 90-100% machine help so the dr's can't really sustain life like that.
Andy's going back to the hospital again tomorrow with BIL and his mother to talk to the dr about what they do from here.
I had tears in my eyes when he was telling me this; I have known his dad for 18 years so this is starting to get to me a little.
Andy then said he wanted to catch a train from my town to the hospital. The train station is within walking distance of my house. I said you silly duffer, you don't need to go back to Derby tonight, I'll have the girls and you can kip on my sofa, I promise I won't touch you.
He asked for a coffee while he thought about it and then said 'Actually, what I'd really love is a bath on my own so if you could look after the girls again and I'll go and get a bath, I'm not trying to avoid spending time with you, I just need some time to wind down.'
I said, Andy, I didn't offer to get a free evening with you. Your dad is dying and I want to help you, so whatever you think would help is fine with me.'
He squeezed my hand when I said that.
Then we called the children into the room and they all sat round us on the floor and Andy explained that they would be staying with me again because grandad was really sick and he explained that his lungs didn't work and he was probably going to die (in the nicest way possible).
They started asking to see him so we both explained about the machines and wires and that he wasn't awake most of the time. They said 'When can we?' and Andy said 'You won't be able to because he can't live without lungs. He's going to die.'
He carried on talking about it but I noticed that DD1 kept messing about with her fingers so I said to him, 'Hang on a minute, Andy, she's upset.' And I asked her if she was okay. He asked her the same thing and she burst into tears. I went to hug her but Andy got there first and she was just bawling 'I don't want him to die, I don't want him to die' over and over again.
Then DD2 started up and she was bawling too, and kicking things. Then DD3 joined in and started crying and saying she wants her grandad.
DD4 saw everyone crying and decided to pout because she was the only one not being grumpy. She went and sat on Andy's knee and did some fake crying (you could tell it was totally put on) and then laughed.
Despite the sitch, that made me and Andy smile.
I tried to comfort DD2 but she was just yelling about how she didn't want to stay with me so that made me feel really rejected DD3 wouldn't be consoled either.
In the end I suggested to Andy that he stay until they were ready for bed and then he could kiss them goodnight and that might ease the pain a bit.
He did this and they were still wailing and protesting when we shut the bedroom doors. I asked him if he had introduced spirituality into their lives. He said no, not yet.
Then he looked at me and said 'Can you do that? tomorrow?' I said yes, I'd try.
After the sobbing had stopped, he sighed in a stressed out way, and then hugged me and held me against his chest for a couple of minutes.
He thanked me for helping him and on his way out the door, I said 'Don't worry, Andy, I'll talk to them tomorrow.'
Oh heck - I haven't seen them in ages and now suddenly we're all under one roof and I have to give them their first lesson in spirituality (gulp!).
DD3 wouldn't be consoled either.