Oh girl, you've had some really bad days here. I'm sending you good vibes my friend, you need them more than I do right now. Everyone here means well, but right now I think maybe you should just relax and not worry about all of our good meaning advice. You have so much on your plate. The kids, the possible baby, Andy's dad, Andy's BS, and then there is every day life. Maybe right now isn't the right time to make any choices about anything. Get a cup of tea and try to relax. I know that's hard to do right now, but you need to. I'm worried about you. (in case you need to talk, I'm here. My email is dancingwithtime@yahoo.com)
I agree I probably shouldn't have made the 'this place is a dump' remark, but I was really nervous of going there after 2 years so perhaps I was a bit out of character.
I don't know why he was funny about the cat. He didn't mind keeping her because DD1 named her (Kate because if you knock the 'e' off Kate it says Kat which sounds like Cat - clever for a then 6 year old to make that association) and DD1 wanted to keep her anyway. Maybe he did think I preferred the cat, but I used to have a cat myself who moved in with me by force (I tried every way to get him to go away and he wouldn't. He just jumped in the window and then rubbed himself all over me, purring, and wouldn't leave so he just ended up staying and lived with me for 2 years before he died of old age), so anyway, I have missed him a lot and missed having a cat around, and Andy knows this, but his mind is probably distracted with his dad.
As per the baby loss, there was more to it than I said on here (for fear of backlash). It was a problematic pregnancy, medically, (there was a question mark over whether it was viable) and then Andy flipped out and decided to take me to court for custody of DD3 so I just broke under the pressure and said I can't do it and what with the recurrant bleeding and problems, and the legal action and my very suspect mental health at the time, I chose to stop that particular pregnancy. It probably would have lived as I got through the danger stage but I just couldn't take the witness stand when pregnant - I felt like I was going crazy. They did surgery under the Mental Health Act and the dr ripped me internally with his instruments and I lost so much blood I was in hospital 3 days with a line in and them asking to transfuse me but I said no so they kept on at me about it and in the end I let them give me glucose instead of blood. We both went into grief and shock, he said I killed his baby, I blamed myself for not being stronger, he took DD3 to punish me (or so it seemed at the time) - we did spend a few days together afterwards and this was the last time I ever saw his house. I have suffered massively with guilt and self-hate since (one of the reasons I wanted to donate eggs), and he saw how much the whole sitch destroyed me, so for him to bring it up, I think was horrible.
It took him a year to get over it (I still haven't), which is why I was 'dark' on him for so long.
I was trying to protect myself by telling him I would only be here once, as I felt a little attacked by a few of his remarks, but I should have held my tongue, I agree.
Re the wedding dress - my friend asked to wear it for her wedding but when we tried it, her back was too wide so the buttons wouldn't do up, and she couldn't borrow it, so I just thought if my girl's are different sizes to me, it might not fit (I am tiny and can still wear age 13 clothes). DD1 is slim like me but very tall for her age so I reckon she'll be too tall to wear it, she's almost up to my height at age 9, DD2 is broad-boned like my MIL, etc etc so I didn't want to promise they could all have it if it wouldn't fit - but maybe I should have anyway.
I was being over sensitive over Rose's remark, but even if it was because of my disability, I'm fed up of people discriminating against me (and it is disability discrimination if they think I can't mother because of that). But I should have taken into account her age more, she looks my age instead of 18.
I find it uncomfortable speaking my mind with Andy, as he usually doesn't take any notice I have given up trying to be open with him, and usually people say don't respond.
Quote: I find it uncomfortable speaking my mind with Andy, as he usually doesn't take any notice I have given up trying to be open with him, and usually people say don't respond.
But sometimes, if you stick to "I" statements, keep things calm and matter-of-fact - you'll get farther than you do from walking out of the room or letting it fester.
Yes, Ellie, I used to be good at this but after the last time he got cold feet and now with his, 'I can't have an R' routine (right after telling me he loves me), I just cannot act natural or confident around him. I just feel totally screwed (in a mental and not sexual sense).
I phoned Andy's mother and step-father to offer my sympathies that they are going through this.
Apparently he has made a minor improvement since yesterday and now takes 5 breaths per minute on his own, and has a vague awareness (kind of semi-conscious) now they have lowered his morphine a bit, but still pretty much relying on ventilation and they have made a hole in his neck to put this tube down to help him breathe (can't think of the name for it, begins with trach). They still don't know the outcome, he could go either way as he worsens and then improves, and then worsens etc, and his leg isn't great, but he at least has been making an effort to breathe.
The trouble is, his lungs are already scarred from the last time he had pneumonia so even though they've drained off the fluid, it's still difficult for him.
I let them know I was thinking of them. There's nothing else I can do, and I don't think it works going round there to help Andy.
My health: in pain again even though I wasn't before. I'm losing hope for this pregnancy. The next week will be the deciding factor for me in what I do.
Work/Money: Been fined �100 so I am overdrawn and broke, not quite sure how to cover all the bills now, am going to try and sell some more books to cover the fine. Still trying to sell the photocopier.
My book (about me and Andy and the kids) is now on Barnes and Noble.com and WH Smith.com - I checked. Boy, was I excited! It hasn't made it to Amazon yet but will be on there very soon. Those of you who pre-ordered one will be getting it soon if you haven't already. I've had sales already which is great.
Still proof-reading for the vaccination one.
Home: Took DD4 to a Steiner toddler group this morning and then to a cake and biscuit sale that the kindergarten put on; it's the same place my other DD's used to go before Andy took them, so I felt really sad walking through the garden they used to play in, it felt as if someone had died.
Met up with loads of parents I used to know when I still had my kids - the last time I saw them was when DD4 was newborn so they were all coming up to me, saying, 'wow, I've not seen you for ages!' I felt a bit uncomfortable with it, as it was my old life, from before.
Then my friend came round and her S 4 years came to play with DD4 at our house.
I feel okay except I think there's been too many trips down memory lane for my liking.
It's called 'Till Death Do Us Part', ISBN 1-59344-116-9, Joanna Jones (that's my pen name, by the way, my real surname is Greek, LOL - Andy was the Jones ).
I checked Barnes and Noble and it's on there if you want one. Be warned, some parts are sexually explicit and other parts are just plain shocking, hence Andy's disaproval at me printing it.
)
It hasn't made it to Amazon yet but will be on there very soon.
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