Actually I kind like the idea of you kicking him in the butt It leads me to a thought though. You are a very strong woman as I and others have said. Maybe you intimidate him once and awhile? I don't know. Food for thought.
You clearly got the expectation up to too high after trip. You had a special day to remember, but more importantly you missed him. Homecoming is a time when we all expect a little excitement on both sides. No big deal that you did this time.
What are some new 180's regrading your R? Could it be that you could somehow manipulate him into "rescuing you"? I know he doesn't respond when you need help, but I suspect he thinks of you as just too capable of needing any. Maybe some of our good female DB'er's can give you a scenario where the husband feels like he saved WCW. Good for his morale and attitude towards you. I don't know, again. Just speculating.
Okay, okay, AMD. Now I have to listen to my own advice? geez, how bad does it get? Yes, I did slide this week. That trip H went on really really threw me off track. But I was even more thrown off track when he got back and was cold and rejecting, and still is.
Feel good, for me. Busy is good. I don't like wasting time doing nothing. Believe me, skiing doesn't make me feel good, it makes me black and blue and achy and sore! But it will be at least a month or two before there will be snow in these parts, and then it will be man made snow most likely. But I've got the season pass now.
Got home later than 5pm, and H was here waiting for me! ??? last talk was I would pick up the horse and the lady would be there to help me. H didn't make mention that he would be around. He seemed a bit miffed that I was late. Guess I inadvertantly created mystery. He didn't ask where I was and I didn't offer. Now me not being home within 30 - 45 minutes after work is pretty out of the ordinary for me. I suppose he assumed I'd be here to go get that horse. I was happy that he was along as it made the job much easier, and yes, the lady did comment how easy we made it look to load her horse. I smiled at H.
I did get a short ride on my good horse tonight. It's my therapy and I sure did need it. I do feel better now, a little more capable of dealing with the mess again.
I am scrutinizing budget items. Auto insurance was on my list. I called to check on an idea - put my truck and the white can on a policy for me, and H and truck on his own policy. My idea was that the total package would still be cheaper overall but it won't work. My reason was - we had a bad wreck in May with my truck and trailer and horses, H was driving and it's on his record. Horses and people were all okay but my truck was totalled and the trailer had lots of damage. (Ya know, that's another thing. H never offered any comfort in that wreck. After we got towed off the side of the road and things settled down, and daylight dawned and I saw the damage in the light, I teared up. Emotion, my wrecked truck, hundreds of miles from home, trailer damage, H was emotional too. I reached out and rubbed his shoulder, would have liked a response, but he walked away.) A month later he had a speeding ticket. My idea was let him carry his own policy and I could get cheaper insurance without his record on the same policy. Won't work, in this state if you're married you both have to be on the same policy. But I tried, and can funnel my brain waves on a different item now.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Howdy bigAl, seems we were cross posting. Am I intimidating? even when I write? H does know I can do what it takes to get the job done, he has also seen me cry like a baby over a pet chicken that died. A chicken! Is that two different things?
H showed his HighBuggedness tonight about doing chores. I've been doing them all even since he got back. He had a few comments tonight before I was finished, did this get done, do you still do this? So he did help tonight. Should I explain to him that I've continued doing all the chores because he said he was looking for someplace else to live?
We haven't ate yet tonight, and I just asked H if he wanted anything. He said "I could eat something." That means I better go wrustle up some grub. TTFN
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I have to agree with the previous poster that there's probably some kind of dynamic going on in your R regarding one strong, responsible partner and one irresponsible partner. I can't remember if it was the DR book or something else I read about that dynamic.
But, I will not give you any advice on how to change this dynamic because I know I would stear you wrong. In my R, H was more financially responsible and practical in most ways. But I was the emotionally strong, independent one. When we were separating my mom told me that both our problems were that we acted too strong and the men in our lives just thought they didn't have to be there for us. So she advised me to lay it all on the line and tell him I NEEDED him. I did just that. And here I am. So, I can't help you out to much there.
About my horse days. They were way back. From birth to High School and a year or so in college. I dabbled in some showing, but we didn't have the money for that kind of thing. Mostly just trail riding and exploring stuff. The good stuff. But, for over 10 years I haven't owned a horse. I like the coast and my H likes the midwest. I told him the one thing that might make up for not living close to the ocean is a horse. A nice big warm blood. Maybe a Trakehner. My fantasy steed.
Keep your head up. Sounds like you are focusing well. I want to call you strong and all that, but I know it will just frustrate you...I know exactly what you mean.
Hey, I'm just doing for you what you've done for me many times. At the risk of beating a dead...OK, not the best phrase to use in this thread...anyway, I got this in my email today and thought of you:
Many people, in seeking out love, tend to look outward rather than inward. Yet falling in love with yourself can be just as wonderful an experience as falling in love with someone else. While the idea of falling in love with ourselves may be perceived as conceited or selfish, choosing to fall in love with who you are is a powerful act of self-love.
When you fall in love with yourself, you can't help but experience a wonderful sense of discovery. You begin to look at yourself again through fresh eyes, becoming more attentive to the little details that make you so unique. Once you discover how much there is about you to fall in love with, you can't help but want to treat yourself as lovingly and respectfully as you would treat anyone who is special to you. You start to give to yourself more because you become more attentive to your own needs and desires.
Choosing to fall in love with yourself is a very personal process that takes time. There is no magic wand you can wave to make this just happen. But there is the magic of your intention and the power of your actions, whether you are taking the time to do the activities you like, speaking to and treating yourself with respect, taking inventory of all your wonderful qualities and accomplishments, or nurturing yourself with plenty of rest and self-care. When you fall in love with yourself, you begin to see yourself more positively, appreciate your unique outlook on life, and treat yourself in a more nurturing way. In loving yourself, you are acknowledging that you are special and deserving of love. Best of all, you are giving yourself one of the greatest gifts you have to give another. You are giving yourself the gift of your love.
Thanks amd, I'll work on that. I was there a while ago, didn't really like who I was becoming, what H was driving me too become, and have turned a lot of it around, but I am still a work in progress.
OP04 - you want a Warmblood? talk about strength! you'll need it to handle them! I suppose they're not all bad, sort of like Arabians get a bad rap all the time. But the limited exposure I've had with those breeds has not been pleasant.
As bigAl suggested, I could use some 180's and rescue input. I do ask for help and input from H on things I do around the place and projects I work on. In fact, this morning H took his shower after mine. So I hung around and asked his opinion on stuff I'm coming up with for Sunday's deal at our place. I don't necessarily agree with some of his ideas, but I'll use them as he explained it. And I didn't do chores this morning. I did a 180 on that, and figured as long as he's still around I ought to get as much help out of him as I can. I don't know if those are 180's or just spinning circles.
Is it possible I come across as strong and independent, but on the inside I'm not? I honestly don't feel intimidating, but maybe I am and don't know it. I'm not usually opposed at all to asking H to help with something heavy that I am physically unable to do, or asking for help getting a vehicle dropped off for an oil change, or asking his input on something. All surface things, maybe he's actually tired of rescuing me? But when it comes to physical or emotional or financial or intimacy the last couple years, I'm scared silly. I can plan it all out in my head, but when I get near him I can't talk about those types of things. I wish I could get past all of this stuff and just be me again, spontaneous and loving, and have it returned.
Today is my last chance to get a fresh made caramel apple from the neighborhood farmers market. Last time I invited H to come along and it was nice. Not sure what to do this time, if it would be a friendly invitation to something we always do, and be a truce flag for this week, or if it's pursuing and I should leave him alone. HHmm, a couple hours to think about it.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Sent H a txt mssge when I was done at work, said I had a few errands to run and then was headed for a caramel apple. He replied fairly soon, was interested, and we ended up meeting there. But he saw me walk in, turned away, and we walked over to order the fresh caramel apples. H stood there, I paid, but that's okay, afterall I did invite him. Not anything said while we devoured the yummy apples, we both finished, got up and walked to our vehicles, and drive home. How's that for a hot date?
Quiet night here for a Friday. H is avoiding me, wouldn't join the fire tonight, did have to come out and ask me a question when someone called on the phone, but walked away and wouldn't eat any hot dogs I made over the campfire. At least my dog was happy. When the fire died down I came inside, H was taking a shower. He came back out all fresh smelling, laid his clean socks on the couch, and the phone rang. While he was busy on the phone I put a note in a sock, wanna trade back rubs? H went to put his sock on and felt something crumply, I don't know if he even read what it said, laid his socks aside and wouldn't put them on, and is now laying on the couch making believe he's sleeping. It was a spur of the moment thing to put that note in the sock, might have been a pretty dumb move.
At least I have a busy weekend ahead. Here's to a better tomorrow.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
The beginning of a new week, the end of another month.
The weekend update – Friday night H was very distant physically, emotionally, conversationally, to me. On the phone he was Mr Personality. I stuck the note in his sock about a back rub, it went ignored. I figured I can finally take a hint, went to bed and decided I just need to get on with me and go about my business, I can’t dwell on every move H does or doesn’t make.
Saturday I was up earlier than normal to volunteer at a local event, it was still dark and when I walked in the living room in the dark to find some shoes H asked what time it was and was I going in to work early? I just told him the time and said no, and left. I got home earlier than I planned, and for some reason I expected H to be gone, but he was home. I was soooo tired, and the warm sun was shining on the bed inviting me back in, and I caved and laid down for a rare mid day nap. Whew! That felt good! H came in and said he had to go flag down the postal lady. I got up and started some more stuff to prep for Sunday, H got back, actually started a conversation and asked some questions, and then I went out and worked outside on stuff. After a few hours H came out to see what was up, and even helped me with things. We went to a move some horses for a lady, and although conversation wasn’t abundant I didn’t feel tension either. We knew the owner of the place where the horses now live, so we hung out and caught up with her for a while, then left and H stopped by some other friends on the way home but they weren’t home. Back at home I finished up chores and spent time in the kitchen (that’s rare) making stuff for Sunday, and H was sort of friendly and hung around a little bit. Sunday I was awake early but took advantage of the time change and laid in bed for a while, I heard H up and in then in the shower, and thought ‘here’s my chance I could join him.’ And then I thought, I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like being with him or near him or initiating more contact. I feel like I should, but I just don’t feel like I want too. That’s pretty much been my motto all weekend after the back rub note that went ignored. Even Sunday, H was friendly enough throughout the day. He helped with the coordination of things for our event throughout the day, which I really appreciated and let him know. He had also reshaped my hat for me, and made a comment to me that it looked nice, and I let him know again that I really appreciated him doing that for me. Late in the day H decided to return a piece of borrowed equipment, I helped him load it, and then he said ‘you coming along?’ I said no. He left, and I took some me time. Calgon, take me away! I ran a bath of hot water, lit a bunch of candles, and soaked in the tub while reading Love Must Be Tough. H came home, poked his head in the bathroom, ‘oh, you’re in here.’ A few minutes later found another reason to come in again. I was finally wrinkled enough, (I mean soft and smooth) and finished the bath. Spent some time on the computer, H took a shower. Now in our past life, a Sunday night, both clean and showered, we would find ourselves in bed early and spend some quality time with each other. I wondered if H had those same thoughts and memories. I finally went to bed. Twice H came into the bedroom about something he saw on TV, did I see it too? Stood around for a while. Maybe I should have opened the covers and invited him to bed? I didn’t. I felt like I should have, but I didn’t feel like I wanted too. A little later I heard the furnace kick in again, and remembered that I didn’t turn the heat down after I had turned it up to warm up the house before my bath, so I got up and turned the thermostat down. A minute after I was back in bed, H came down the hallway yet a 3rd time, but didn’t come to the bedroom this time. He stood in the hall and looked out the door, and said something I couldn’t hear, and then went back to the living room. So there’s my weekend, and today is another day. I had so many opportunities to try and reconnect with H again after his shunning of me all last week, but I just didn’t feel like it. I suppose in no time at all I’ll be sorry I didn’t try again, I’ll be a blithering idiot again starving for affection and a touch. But it’s been a week since I gave H a hug and said his leaving is not what I want, that was the last time we touched. Right now, I just don’t feel like it, and I don’t know of a reason why I should.
Some reflections – Two years ago we were in Amarillo at this time of year. I could feel something different in H, he shied away from me, wouldn’t hold my hand, left me unattended in a strange place, all things very uncharacteristic of him. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I also didn’t know he was about 6 weeks into his EA with OW. It’s all so clear now looking back at time. Sometimes I will come across notes and cards that H and I have left to each other. Almost everything he has kept from me is anything negative I wrote, where are all the good things? Like the 30 year old love letters he has kept from past girlfriends? Doesn’t he have any good memories of our life? No wonder he’s told me I’ve been nothing but 10 years of pain and hurt. After thinking about some of those notes I wrote and how our marriage has been, it seems as though H is always leaving. Seriously, a note written just two years after we were married talked about him leaving. I recall many other times we had the conversations about if he was happy enough to stay. For 12 years, I have not measured up enough to keep this man happy enough to be content. Some of it may just be his history, he’s always moved around and changed jobs at least every couple of years or sooner. When he moved across country to be with me and we married, he has now been at the same location for 13 years, held a job for a record number of years for him, has now been self employed and successful longer than ever in his lifetime. I would consider these accomplishments, but maybe H thinks of this as being tied down and too responsible. He has told me he thinks I am insane for living in the same place for 25 plus years, working at the same job for 25 plus years. All the other times his restlessness surfaced, it didn’t seem a threat, we found a new adventure to tackle together. This time when he got restless he found his own adventure that did not include me, it was with another woman. Someone else to feed his ego. Another relationship to bounce around, just like his history before me, so many women to fill his various needs in life. I really don’t measure up, and never have in the history of our marriage. Maybe I am finally acknowledging this fact, that keeping this man happy is not something I can accomplish. That doesn’t mean I am not a great wonderful person, it just means I’m not the person that can fill that mans reality. When he started a life with me, possibly it was his chance to escape the man that he was not proud of – a man who he claims if he told you everything he’s done in his life you would add it all up and know he was at least 150 years old. He came to try and start a new chapter in his life, found that this chapter doesn’t fit in his book, and is now trying to close it but doesn’t know how to write the ending yet.
One other note from the weekend – got an email from H’s XSIL, she wants to give us their dog. Her H is retired now and they want to travel, and it’s too hard to find someone to take care of their 10 month old puppy. H said we should take it, so I emailed her back and said we would. Pictures are very cute and the pup reminds me very much of our oldest dog who until the past few years as he grows old has been a big help with the livestock. Problem is we live over 2000 miles apart, but she said they would deliver the dog to our front door. Turns out H is trying to find someone he knows in their home state to take the dog, after he told me would take it. Hhmm, another communication problem. We’ll see how it turns out.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Again your H sounds so much like my XH. Even their life before we were in it. I wonder if there is a way to make a person like that happy or if they will always feel a need to roam?
Hope you're doing okay today. I'm thinking about you.
Yes, I did slide this week. That trip H went on really really threw me off track. But I was even more thrown off track when he got back and was cold and rejecting, and still is.
At the risk of beating a dead...OK, not the best phrase to use in this thread...anyway, I got this in my email today and thought of you:
So I hung around and asked his opinion on stuff I'm coming up with for Sunday's deal at our place. I don't necessarily agree with some of his ideas, but I'll use them as he explained it. And I didn't do chores this morning. I did a 180 on that, and figured as long as he's still around I ought to get as much help out of him as I can. I don't know if those are 180's or just spinning circles.