Hdog... I would just drop it and wait to go over it all in MC. Honeypot is right...she will have her defense ready, so you have to be ready too ( she will try some maneuver to gain the MC's sympathy).
So what do you do when she keeps stalling and does not implement the MC's advice (i.e., like in my case)? What if this just goes on forever? How does it differ from OG_Lou?
If she keeps stalling I think I'm going to pull a modified-GEL, which is kind of a modified-Hairdog. You see, your basic Hairdog is when you say to the spouse, in a calm, non-fight scenario, "I will not stay in a sex-less marriage forever." I did that, and although it had the benefit of getting us into counseling, W and MC suggested I back off from that because it was triggering abandonment issues in W's mind.
What I intend to do is issue this statement (attributed to a post of GEL's) in a calm, non-fight scenario: "I can not keep this up indefinitely. If you don't start doing some of the things I need of you, my feelings for you will continue to fade and eventually die. If that happens, I will be gone. Not physically, because I am committed to staying together for better or worse. But emotionally, I will be gone from this marriage."
I really don't think it will come to that, but I'm prepared to change my way of living, if necessary, for awhile. I'd consider moving to the basement. Not being as available for family stuff. Separate (if any) vacations.
If it does come to that, and it goes on for any significant length of time, I'd then probably say that I'm not willing to live in such a way, and that the time has come to separate. Something has to click with this woman someday. Right?
Hairy, How do you think she'll react, if at all, to such a statement? I do think you need to call her on her BS from last night. She knows darned well that she did not meet the spirit of the MC's instructions. I think you need to roll that out in detail at the next MC session. Probably shouldn't mention it any more until then, because she'll probably just use any thing you say to prepare the defense she is undoubtably formulating in her mind.
Trust me, the checked out state is no fun to be in either, but on the other hand it may force some movement too. Several of us here have hit it in varying degrees (I called it dontgivashititis) and are bouncing back. Being distant emotionally might get her to realize that there really is a problem, but you can't fake it. Trust me when I say it is not a particularly pleasant state to be in either. On the otherhand, it may take that drastic a thing to get her moving.
Man, I feel for ya. But unlike the others here, I'm even more concerned about the greater message she's sending here: that she doesn't even WANT to have that time with you.
If scheduled sex -- or even just a formal schedule for some intimate, "us" time -- is supposed to take the edge off of the LD spouse for the week and the day leading up to it all . . . so that they KNOW this will happen, and they can then do what they supposedly really DO want to do . . . then what's with the avoidance and feigned ignorance of the arrangement? And like someone else said, what's with the "Sleep" answer, wtf???
Look, we all know that we can either look for reasons to be together or reasons to avoid each other. Your wife is ONLY looking for reasons to avoid you, and you need to call her on it. My favorite reply at the moment would be: --------------------------------------------------------- And then, with puzzled surprise in her face, she said, "What did you think it meant? That we'd make love?!"
I have to agree with the others who say...your W knows darned well that she wasn't fulfilling the Monday night agreement. True, perhaps "sex" doesn't have to happen every Monday night...but the point behind scheduling time for the two of you is to form "intimacy" in some manner. Sitting in separate chairs reading a book....is basically ignoring the other persons presence...she was in her own little world by doing that and she knows it. You cannot form intimacy with her while she's wrapped in in the plot of a book.
I agree...this needs to be brought up at your next MC session, you need to say how you feel about all of this in that session too....no holds barred honesty.
