I thought that model made some sense here. The hard part is getting the minimizer to realize what s/he is doing. There is no problem in identifying a maximizer. But a minimizer thinks they are doing what they should. They are being proper and respectful, so how else are they to act? I was accused of this myself. Since my wife and counselor were not happy with this, I just opened up and let loose on them, dumping all the anger I had been holding in. So you need to be careful what you ask for. But then, if I understand right, HD’s wife is already like that at home right? She will not like showing her stripes to the MC, but that’s part of therapy.
One way for HD to push her into this role is for him to play the prim and proper minimizer himself. She will not like the false impression he is trying to paint and will try to tear it down. This is essentially like detaching since you break out of the cycle of interplay between the two people. For her to maintain her dysfunction, she needs him to play is part. When he stops, she must either come clean or pull him back into it.
I actually called our counselor and spoke to her about these types of things – what I saw at home that was not displayed in session. The counselor would always state later in session that she had spoken to me, but it was also in a benign way that never seemed to cause a problem. So some behind the scenes advice is possible.
Oh, I was thinking about in the counseling sessions, she is the minimizer. But I don’t think this is unusual either, I now remember that both my wife and I could see situations where we reversed roles.
By feel safe, my best guess is she wants to feel secure, to know that she is accepted for who she is. She wants unconditional love. She probably sees you as threating to herself. She KNOWS that she is not the kind of wife that you want, and she probably feels deep down that you could easily leave her. So she knows that she is not a good wife for you, she has no clue as to how to change that, she has demons in her closet to face, and "security" in her life is a long way off. Therefore, she must turn this around and make YOU the bad guy. In a way, I guess she is afriad to enter her own crucibal.
Just my 2 cents, I see this happening in my own wife.
CeMar shoots . . . he scores! Excellent analysis, my sometimes-difficult friend. 1. My W is a perfectionist, and she knows she is failing at a task (wife-ness). 2. In order to succeed, she has to know without a doubt that, if she fails, I'll stick with her. 3. In a previous incarnation, she failed at a task (daughter-ness) and her father left her emotionally, and physically. 4. Being a daughter and being a wife are two major roles of a woman (along with mother, cook, supermodel, goddess, heavy equipment operator, and girl-Friday). 5. As a perfectionist, she does not want to face failure and abandonment again, so, yes, she'll make me the bad guy.
Although none of this comes as any lightning bolt of revelation, it's nice to see it pop up again.
Unfortunately, I refuse to continue to cow-tow and tell her I'll put up with all of the sh*t she can dish out indefinitely, and will never leave.
One little point of contention, CeMar. She knows full well what it will take to "be a good wife" for me. I've told her many times. ML with me.
But she, for some reason, doesn't think I'll ever be satisfied, so "why even try?" That's a mantra she needs to change. Because the "trying" is what will keep me with her, through thick and thin.
As for Lillie and cobra and maximizing and minimizing, I'm still trying to digest that. I, too, got the roles mixed up. W maximizes at home, and minimizes in the MC office. I, to some extent, do the opposite. Because I feel "safer" in front of the MC, I say things that don't get brought up at home.
"Because the "trying" is what will keep me with her, through thick and thin."
YES YES YES YES YES. Couldn't have said it better. The actual ML is NOWHERE NEAR as important as the effort to try. Because if the effort is there, even if something goes wrong this time, you can still look to the future and say, "we have another chance!"
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
This is good stuff. I see a LOT of your sitch in mine. My wife is also a perfectionist, and I think she knows she's failing at the wife thing. Only difference with me is, instead of lashing out at me, she just detaches and pulls away even further, but I do think it's a defense mechanism. They feel the distance with us, and intead of working at it, they either ATTACK or DETACH.
I do think your C needs to see some glimpses of your wife's anger. It's a MAJOR issue in your relationship, and it's just not coming across in the counseling sessions.
