BB.. thanks for your keen advice to hang in there until Jan. I think our pact has helped me not to give up on a daily basis when my brain starts processing "what ifs"!
Journalling:
Got home last night to a happy household and H was cooking dinner. He's been off with the kids this week too and they haven't quite drove him crazy yet! He was in a playful mood with the boys and I love to watch them together. I think the break from work has been good for him.
He's still actively pursuing another job. I faxed his resume yesterday and made copies for him to send to somewhere else. He was in touch with a friend that thinks there's a good chance of him getting offered a job with his company. H shared his feelings with me about how he's "screwed up" and has to give up the security of his current job. We talked a bit about that, and I told him that honestly, if I know we're moving in the right direction, I could handle him keeping this job. He said "no, it's not a good idea". I still don't worry about him working with OW, but I have anger and resentment from the lies he's told about that and that he didn't start looking for a job for months even though he knew I was hurting. Now that that intense pain is gone, he's looking. What to do? I know he doesnt want to face me constantly being upset because he works there and that's motivating the job search. I don't know how to convince him that he's free to do what he wants. That he's proven to me that she doesn't matter to him. I've really wanted him to just acknoweledge my pain that he was unwilling to do what it took at the time to help our M. Does that make sense? And, I need him to understand how it made me feel when he wasn't willing to confront OW directly about their R when it ended. I'm looking for validation? Because the real issue is how he has downplayed my feelings and made excuses.
We read a little of marriage builders last night before bed and had a great talk about our needs. We discussed past infidelity and the reasons for it.. the needs involved. He talked at length about his experiences and how he felt. How he felt with OW during and after. And he answered a question I'd asked a million times and for the first time, he understood why I needed him to answer it truthfully, and that it really didnt matter what the answer was. It mattered that I knew the truth. We talked about how it feels to search for something outside our M and what might make us do that. He said that he doesnt see that he was looking to have a need met. The underlying cause of his infidelities was because the OW didnt know his flaws and it was to feel like he was loveable and desirable. I apologized to him for not giving him the admiration that he needs. He said that it's OK, he's insecure and does things that aren't admirable and he wants to run from my knowledge of who he is. The we talked about communicating and how we're supposed to work together to solve problems and help each other to be the people we want to be and build each other up instead of tearing each other down. I finally admitted to him how I feel when I'm angry and the emotions under that anger that I hide from him. How helpless he makes me feel when he doesn't confide in me and let me help him through his problems. I shared with him a friendship that I've had where the man lets me be there for him in that way and how it leads to intimacy that I don't have in our M. It's a R that he knows about and that I avoid, but I think it helped us to talk about it and how valued I feel if he shares with me.
We talked about affection and what it means to us. We made a list of how we each can meet the other's need for affection. A specific list of things that will make us feel loved and cherished. It was interesting! I never knew my H likes me to play with his hair and touch his face. hmmm. He didnt know that there is a way that he can hold me that makes me feel so loved and close to him. We're very affectionate, but know the specific feelings that different actions create is going to help. If I want him to feel special and cherished now, instead of giving him a quick hug and saying I love him, I know that walking up and stroking his arm or touching him lightly, looking him in the eye and saying nothing is a better way to send that message to him.
I gave H a long back rub and he talked a little more to me. He seemed very relaxed. Then we watched a little TV and didnt talk at all. I made some brownies (his favorite) and we ate them together. No tension in the air at all, and I didnt feel like we had any "issues" I needed to vent and have recognized. Oh, and we talked about needing to have "couple" rituals and things just for us. We've alway had kids around and have missed out on some of that, or let those things fall away.
Anyway, I have to get off here and get the kids out of the house. H wants to watch the football game in peace. We talked about that too! And that he wants me to keep playing golf with him and take an interest in sports. That will take some effort, but I think we'll get there! I do know that he and OW shared that in common.. she's a jock and they talked sports all the time. So, I'm gonna have to work on my game face!
Things are sounding very, very good in your R. Keep it up! The convo you had with your H about how he felt with OW is amazing! I'm working very hard to get to that point with my H.
I had some success over the weekend and I plan on building on that instead of the build/destroy/build cycle I have been on since forever!
Seriously, your sitch sounds very good. Keep it up!
Hey Sikan! Keep building GF That phrase hit me like a ton of bricks - build/destroy/build. That's exactly what I've been doing. WHY do we do that?
JOURNALLING:
Wednesday. Evil hump day for me. I don't know why I always wake up in such a funk in the middle of the week. It's weird. I'm thinking about that and what it has to do with how I'm living life right now. What causes "the mood", and what I can do to help myself have better Weds in the future. Realizing this morning that I'm feeling off and it's Weds is progress for me. I've usually torn halfway through the day before I think about it.
The first thing I did was have negative thoughts about H. Which is interesting. I feel bad and then I start looking for how he's made me feel bad, what he's doing, what he's not doing, etc. Looking to pin the blame on H because something is wrong. Poor H. He was so sweet this morning. He kissed me good-bye and hugged me tight before leaving. He has to wake me up to do that, but I've asked him to as it helps both of us to start our day feeling loved. He left a sweet note by my coffee cup and an ILY message on my voicemail. That's pretty amazing that he'll make that effort at 4AM and he does it almost every day.
I called him and told him that I woke up in a mood and he was sweet. Asked me to read the note and listen to my voicemail and see if it helps. It did. Then he called back to check on me again before I left the house. I know yesterday afternoon he was working with OW and I had some emotions about that. Not strong emotions, but a little sadness. I hate her being within eyesight of him.
He petted me and reassured me that he only has eyes for me and it helped. Dang, sometimes it seems that I'm either a b*tch or a big baby. But, I have to keep reminding myself that expressing my emotions truthfully and allowing H to respond is healthy and important for us. If I had let that sadness fester, even though it was just a little thing, I would have turned it into a major anger episode by dredging up everything all over again so he can understand how much he hurt me and I DESERVE for him to comfort me. Asking for comfort and dealing with the reality of my feelings without blowing them out of proportion (or always turning them to anger) to justify my needs is working much better for us.
I'm doing much better now and know it'll be a great day My boss is taking us to lunch today and I'll have the afternoon off. H and I will have some time alone before the kids get home, and I'm looking forward to it! This Weds is going to be different because I choose to make it different!
Mostly good news. Still some things that H is dragging his feet on, but I'm not focusing on that. I'm hoping that every day will bring him a little closer to doing the things we need him to be doing. He saw the Dr. and his testosterone levels are a little low. Not much, but that and one of his meds is what's effecting his SD. They are going to wean him off the med and give him a hormone boost to see if it helps. By the time he went to the Dr., we'd already ML a couple of times and everything was fine.. decided to try to help the problem instead of fretting on it and worrying, and what do you know.. it helped to just go with the flow and see what happens. I'm proud of H that he allowed himself to be vulnerable in that way and try.
Still trying to keep my PMA up so I don't drag us back into a bad place. H has been in a great mood.. was dancing like a fool with the kids last night. He asked if I minded if he relaxed on the bed while I was cooking dinner. Small thing, but not for H. He chose to take care of himself rather than deal with us and be stressed. So instead of a snippy, stressed out Dad, the kids got a dancing, goofy dad to play with after dinner. And, he went to bed early and didnt feel like snuggling with me. I'm so proud of him that he spoke up and told me what he needs instead of going with what he thinks I need just to make me happy. He even told me what he'd like me to make him for lunch instead of saying "dont worry about it" like he usually does. I hope that means he's gaining the self confidence to realize that there's something on earth besides trying to please me and spinning his wheels doing that!
I had an interesting convo with a friend/co-worker today and it's led me to a question. Maybe some of you have some insight into this yourself and can share what you think. The question is: Is it true that we view our interactions with others in light of our own self image? Do we tend to notice the things that support how we feel about ourself and the rest of our interaction gets glossed over or un-noticed by us? Or, am I just particularly warped and oblivious? This might be long, so I'm just warning you to hit the back arrow if you're inclined! And I think it might trace back to my R with H, if you hang in through til the end.
Hope I can make this short, but it's doubtful! I work in a very close knit office... been there 8 years. My friend K and I are the youngest and are the office babies. We know everyone because we used to be admin support before moving up into our careers. Our cubicles are together so, we spend most of our day together and have know everything about each other. She's the chatty, flirty one.. hates to offend anyone. I'm friendly, but not afraid to run a man out of her cube if he overstays his welcome. That happens alot. When I was going through my D, I would wonder what she had that attracts the men. Under that, she can be insecure. She's always making comments that I'm the "pet", and that so and so likes me more, etc. I've always brushed the comments off and thought it was funny that she'd be jealous of me. I know she has a "sometimes friend" outside her marriage.. admiration is very important to her and if someone notices me more it seems to bother her. It's a joke between our close friends.. "poor K, everyone loves Sheila better!" And it's always funny because clearly to me, she's the more social... and at work, who really cares who likes who better anyway?! We all get along great and that's the important thing.
Anyway, our friend W (the brooding one) always comes by and says "hello", etc. He usually stops and talks to her, sometimes he talks to me. The day the chip guy at walmart flirted with me, he teased me about it. And I said "hey, that's the first man under the age of 60 who has flirted with me in years! He said "Oh really? I'm insulted you haven't noticed"
W knows my H. He's a nice guy.. I bring his D piglets because she loves them. Last week when I had my health scare he was concerned and talked to me awhile. He's had problems with Raynaud's and his D also has a heart defect. He was sweet and supportive. I mentioned it to H. Friday, he heard me say I was looking for a good book to read over the weekend and he went home at lunch and brought me one to read.
Today I heard him and K talking behind me. I was working and didnt pay attention. I got up to get something off the printer and he said "but I could always just drive down to XXXX and wait in the chip aisle until she notices me!" I said.. "haha.. that's right, I'm there every Thurs!" Then he came over in my cube and said "do you know what a teaser horse is?" I said "no". Now bear in mind that he loves horses, and K is a country girl.. they both know about that stuff, but I don't. She was laughing and her eyes got big. He said "it's the little horse that they send in to get the mare worked up before they send in the big stud!" I said.."haha.. OK" He said "the chip guy is just the teaser horse and of course I'd be the..." Then he laughed and blushed. I laughed at him for embarrasing himself and that was it.
When he left K said "gawd.. he flirts with you!" and I said "nahh...that's just W always trying to get a rise out of me" She said "no, really.. you don't notice how he looks at you?" and I said "no, not really..how does he look at me?" She rolled her eyes and said I'm clueless! I said "the guys flirt with YOU K, you're nuts!" Was going to leave it at that, but then she pointed out a guy in the office who she always teases when he comes to the printer and says "you just come up here to visit Sheila" and one day he said "of course, men love a pretty redhead". I had forgotten that. So we had a convo where I told her that men don't flirt with me or find me attractive the way that they do her and that's OK with me.. but she's reading too much into W's comment. and she said "no.. you just dont' see it".
Ugh. H is home, I'll have to finish the question later!
So, getting to the point of the post above. I was thinking about our convo on the way home and I realized that maybe she is right and I'm "clueless". Not that I need to acknowledge whether a man is flirting or not, but that I'm not tuned into positive comments or attention that comes my way. I tend to shrug it off as unimportant, or maybe unbelievable. When I was reflecting I was thinking about a close GF through high school. I rarely dated and she dated alot. When we were out, the guys were most interested in her and I accepted that. Now I wonder if that was reality, or if it was just my take on the sitch and me mirroring my feelings about myself. I've always told people that sometimes I need to be hit in the head with a brick and I don't take hints very well. But that's not necessarily true. I've made a career of picking up on every negative thing that H says and does and saying that it proves he doesn't love me or care about me.
Why is it that I notice those signals, but don't give as much weight to the times that he shows me he cares, loves me, etc? Is it because he truly does so many things that are negative towards me, or is it because I brush that aside and acknowledge only that which supports how I feel about myself?
How do I change that, if that's the case? I don't think I'm unattractive or unloveable. Or do I? I won't admit to feeling that way. Growing up I was always the chubby red-headed girl. But, that changed as I got older and I'm aware of that. Is it possible that deep down, I'll always see myself as the chubby red-headed girl that no man would be attracted to? The little girl that daddy criticized and felt like she couldnt do enough to earn his love? That is a very frightening thought for me.. If that's the case, how do I turn that around?
It seems like that might go hand and hand with me relaxing my boundaries with H. I've said over and over that lying and cheating our deal breakers for me, yet I remain in this R. It scares me because I wonder when things get back to "normal" how long it'll be before I realize he can't meet my needs. I hold onto a R that history says isn't healthy for me. Why do I accept that? Is it another way to uphold how I feel about myself and that I have to earn respect and love instead of believing that everyone, including myself deserves those things in their relationships?
Long rambling two posts. I know I sound like a lunatic probably.. but I know I need to get to the heart of the cycles I help create. I want to believe that we can fix this R, and I want to recognize the positives. I also though, don't want to deny that sometimes people can't change and lie to myself about H's ability to be honest and responsible in the future. I want our R.. yet I fear it.
I knew it! You are my doppelganger! I was also the chubby red-head growing up. Interesting couple of posts. I struggled/struggle with self-esteem issues stemming back from my childhood, especially related to stuff from my Dad.
Anyway, I just wanted to check in and say hi and of course comment on the similarity.
OMG.. we do have a lot in common! It's strange how our parents affect us. I thought I'd put all my childhood "scars" behind me long ago. I've told my sister that we're adults now and it would help her to realize that she's in control of her life now. Guess I owe her an apology!
Strange day.. I was a p*ssy b*tch most of the day for absolutely no reason except that I realize I have so much work to do on myself that it's overwhelming to think of it. I told H that my life was happy, organized, on schedule and satisfying before he started wrestling with depression and I miss that feeling of control. I miss the life we had, but we can't get back there without going forward through a lot of work and changes. This whole ordeal is making me re-evaluate things I've taken for granted, and that's scary.
H was very supportive and heard me out. He had an appt with his psych and they're going to meet more often. He talked to our MC and is going to get some things worked through with him before I continue to go again. He's stepping up to the plate in a way I never thought he would. I expressed to him that I feel like our tidy little life is total chaos now and instead of defending our life and saying how it's not as bad as I think, he asked "how can I help?" "what can we do to make this better?" I told him that I'd lost a grip on so much around here and I'm frustrated. We used to have a routine that worked and I miss that. Mostly just basic running the household details that have went by the wayside and I can't seem to get back on track. He said we'd sit down and talk about it this afternoon.. and we did! He even sat and talked with the kids and talked to them about it and explained that although things got off track, it was time for us all to pull together and work together as a family. I was proud of him. The kids got up from the dinner table and cleaned their plates off.
After the boys took a bath they took their dirty clothes to the laundry, brushed their teeth and dressed on their own. Even S2 dried himself off without help and was saying "I can do it!" Small stuff I know, but for someone who's used to doing everything for everyone it means a lot. Mostly it means so much that H cares enough to take action when it's needed. He hugged me and told me to quit worrying, that we're going to be OK and that he'll always be here when I need him. He was talking about his parents and how they raised him to not talk about problems and deny them. He said "if you dont talk about it, it doesnt exist. But that's not solving anything" I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get him to understand that ignoring problems doesn't make them go away. Since I've dropped the rope, he's starting to think things through and come to his own conclusions. Amazing.. I've read so much about how Rs get out of balance and one person becomes the over-doer and the other does less and less. But if the person who does to much stops, the other will eventually start picking up their part of the responsibility again. I didnt believe that would work with H, but it appears that I was wrong. Down to the littlest things that he would usually ignore. Like, I commented that the cats are spilling their water in the kitchen and it makes the floor slick. I just walked in there and he had put a towel under their bowl in case they spill again. This cannot be my H!
I think the scales are getting back into balance here. I'm also changing. I used to be the rock around here and I don't feel so strong anymore. I say H is secretive, and he is, but I've also kept my feelings inside alot in the past. I've been outspoken, but sharing my thoughts, fears, frustrations with H has been hard. He used to discount my feelings or ignore them. He listens now, and I feel free to tell him what's going on in my life. Personal things I wouldnt have shared with him before because he wouldnt understand. He actually gave me advice today.. which is new. He told me to relax and enjoy my accomplishments and stop fretting about the next step in my career. At first, I didnt hear what he was saying, then I brushed off the comment. Then I thought about it and realized that he's absolutely right. I'm at a good place in my career.. happy with my work and right now I need to be focusing my energy on our family. My boss has had me stirred up for a couple of weeks because he wants to move me into a team leader job and senior management is dragging their feet. But I thought about it and H is right.. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and let my boss worry about that. The pay would be nice, but I'd rather drop the rope and not have that worry on my mind.
Thanks for listening. My goal is to keep doing what we're doing and to not pick the rope back up. Concentrate on what I can control and let others worry about their stuff. I'm fighting with myself over trusting H, but for now, I'm gonna give him blind trust and see where he takes us. He clearly is driving the bus right now, and it's hard, but maybe he'll take us to better places if I get out of his way.
I think I post more on your thread than I do my own. Dropping the rope is hard. That's where a lot of my fear and sadness is coming in. Also, watching my H step up is very scary to me. Interesting turn of events in my sitch regarding finances. I'll post more on Monday.
Have a good weekend and enjoy what the good that is finally coming around to you! It's very much deserved.
That's where a lot of my fear and sadness is coming in. Also, watching my H step up is very scary to me. I can't figure out if the fear and sadness is due to the loss of control or if it's because I now have to focus on my "stuff". And I can see how we'd fear, but the sadness.. I don't understand that emotion coming to the surface in me. I went through a two week period of extreme sadness. I know I mourn the R we used to have, but really the R we have now is more genuine. Maybe I get sad because I don't recognize my life like I used to. A loss of security of knowing where we are and what the future holds. I had finally gotten to the place in our R where I was comfortable looking to a future with H. I envisioned us together forever, raising the kids, our retirement, etc. Was so sure of our love for each other. Looking back and realizing how I ignored H's slide into depression and his mood changes, I feel bad. I was holding the vision of our happy little family so tightly that I couldnt see it unraveling.
Woke up to a little sadness this morning. Not sure why, but as soon as I opened my eyes, the realization that H still works with OW hit me. I was out with GFs last night and only saw him for a couple of minutes. I could feel myself wandering back into the doubt and thinking "did I miss something?" It's been a good week.. what have I missed and what is he REALLY up to? Pushed those thoughts out of my mind and thought of the positives. The doubt doesnt take over as much as it used to, but it's still there lurking.
H kissed me goodnight Thurs and was looking into my eyes. It was a searching kind of look. Made me uneasy. I asked him about the look and he said he was just looking to find the love in my eyes. I've become aware of how he does that (I do it too). How he listens to my tone of voice to get a clue..just a very concious awareness of body language. I wonder about that because I've thought so much that H manipulates me and when I noticed the searching look, I wondered if he was trying to figure out if he has me where he wants me. It's hard to explain.. like checking if his latest expression of love was working on me or not. There again is the doubt. Doubting that he's being geniune and not just engineering the situation to get a desired result. Faking it I guess, and seeing if it's working? I have to let go of the notion that our R is just a manipulation for him to get what he wants. I know it's more that he is trying to satisfy himself about how I feel and that it's OK for him to start feeling safe. He's insecure, and it's normal for him to look for signs that our R is getting better. I do it too. I haven't been as outspoken about my feelings the last couple of weeks so I'm sure he's having to adjust to that. I haven't mentioned one time that ending our R is an option. I promised I wouldnt do that.. blackmail him that way or instill that fear into our efforts. Maybe he's also having a hard time accepting that I've changed and am not "just looking for a way out of our R".
Time will tell! I need to set some personal goals. H and I are working on our R goals, but I need to move myself forward. Been stuck working on this R for so long and letting other things slide. I have no clue what my personal goals might be. My goals have always revolved around H or the kids, or work. I have things that I'd like to accomplish, but I'd have to take effort away from my family to do that. I know it's the healthy thing to do, but it'll mean me letting go a little more. It's hard!
