Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Lockout King

So you don't think Michelle is just hovering over the board waiting for the most inopportune time to lock the thread, then locking it, and chuckling manaically while we flounder around trying to cut-and-paste.

Glob, glob, glob,
The 180's should not be solely in the form of abdicating your familial responsibilities!

Try this: Instead of being grabby and needy, be confident and strong.
If you have been sad and mopey, try acting as if you are cheerful and happy.
ETC.

Think of how you normally are..particularly the ways that don't net you the results you are after..and try something different.
An example of one of mine is to be MUCH less opinionated. Or, rather, keep my strong opinions but allow H to speak his and validate them when he says them. I used to try to run roughshod over him and the convos always turned bad. I do not do this anymore. I let him speak, validate his thoughts, and things are much much better.

My point is to think of an area which does not turn out the way you'd hope and do something different.

Most likely you will have to really force the issue with your W. But....as I keep saying ( ) now is not the time. If you play your cards right, she will be in a good frame of mind when counseling starts. If you play your cards in a selfish manner, she will be too pissed and resentful to be willing to listen to you, much less go along with fixing your R.

Take care! Focus on your own goals this week so that by the time C starts, your wife will have had a little time to get to know the New Glob.

Honey

Globule,

I hear what you are saying and yes you are thinking too logically. I also think that in spite of your claims to be an emotion-based person, your views are still within the context of the male model. The female definition of emotions is completely different. For instance, my old girl friend in college knew I loved her, I told her so, and that is why I stayed with her. I also knew that she loved me which is why she stayed with me. So any show of jealousy was illogical since an action that would create this feeling in me meant that she was leaving me, probably for some good reason and if she found someone more attractive than I, what could I do about it.

What I did not understand is that no matter how much we loved each other, she still wanted to hear it and feel it. Seeing a little healthy jealousy is reaffirming. It is bonding and ritualistic. It makes her feel good because it soothes her insecurities, even if showing jealousy does nothing directly for me. But when she feels good, I feel good, so indirectly it does benefit me.

This is not subterfuge, it is the human condition. When you say this is hard to understand or that to change the way you do things or think about things, could it be that the resistance comes from control issues? I am thinking in terms of the many engineers we have in our building. These guys do not like to have their world changed, which I think is part of the reason they drift to careers that try to define and control the real world. Their logic and rationality is comforting and helps to neatly define their envelope of existence. Change the boundaries and they go into shock.

My parents are scientists too. Being better educated, they gain a certain confidence that they know the answers better than others (see the family of origin influence) which helps to keep a certain level of control. Deferring this “authority” to other points of view that cannot be rationally explained just doesn’t makes sense. This is why my parents, myself and possibly you are having problems understanding other people’s emotional quotient.

Actually, I think women see us men as engaging in subterfuge more than they. It would be interesting to hear their thoughts on how they think we are not honest with our emotions. Ladies….????

Honeypot has the right idea about the 180's so I won't reiterate any of that.

"On a personal note, I find you are one of the most attractive men on this board."
One of the most? Who ranks above me? I'm gonna kill 'em!!!
You're number 1 for me on this board, why aren't I number 1 for you. (sniff sniff) How's that for a guilt trip?"

Nice job utilizing the dichotomy I love, love, love!!
You were possessive (the bad boy side) and let's face it there is something to be said for this against my better judgment. Evolutionary psychology at it's finest. Quite a turn-on.
Warning: TMI straight ahead: I find it VERY sex when a man dominates in the bedroom. Haven't exactly figured out where all that stems from but it is easier to look at it intellectually and blame biology than any of my emotional issues The feminists are gonna hate me for this. I think I hear Hairdog's W screaming in the distance
Back to your statement, so you were possessive and then finished it off being sensitive and vulnerable "you're #1 for me, why am I not #1 for you?" Sigh. You're a man after my own heart.
Ended with a joke - the guilt trip line. Frankly, you could have left it off and it would have been just as effective but it adds the humor factor that has been running through our posts, so not surprising.
I think I need to seek help Can you say "over-analyze." But that's the beauty of you Globule. I know you are doing the same thing!
Ok, so let's make it official: You are my favorite poster on this board. It's on the record now.

Now that we have that squared away. I'll try and move on to more serious matters.

The problem I have with that philosophy is that if I take it literally, I would stop doing the dishes, I would stop changing diapers, I would stop giving the twins their bath, I would stop cleaning up their toys, I would stop giving my wife affection, I would stop saying I love you, I would stop telling her I am attracted to her, I would stop giving her gifts, I would stop asking for a affection from her, I would stop asking for sex from her, etc. I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. Am I getting this all wrong?

Globe I do not think if you stop doing things for your children is a 180. Even if for some odd reason this helped your marriage think of how it would effect your relationship with your kids.

I think the 180 concept is more in line with how we respond to our spouses. Flitering through our personality's and actions and trying to change the ones that do not seem to be doing us any good in our relationship. You do not want to stop doing what works. Just what does not.
Just as a example of what I see as a 180 in my own sitch.
My H watches tv regularly. In a effort to spend more time with him there are certain shows I will watch with him durring the week. He sits on the couch I sit in a chair.
Last night I changed this dynamic up I took a pillow and put it on his lap and laid down on the couch to be closer to him. This is not my normal actions it was a 180 for me.

So it's not the greatest example but hey I am starting small. lol

IHJ,

I’ve been there on this one. I go along with wife’s suggestions since I have no hard preference at the moment, but also because I want to be accommodating to her. In this way I feel like I am thinking in a “team” fashion. So I am fine with her taking the lead. But when she goes with her idea, and then keeps truckin’ on down the road without stopping to ask what I think, I come to realize she is not thinking in a “team” fashion at all, but only in a selfish fashion. So I get mad at her inconsideration. I may not have a problem with what she is doing. I am just hurt that I thought of her but don’t feel that she is thinking of me.

It seems that some are saying don't let it out, hide your feelings, and turn the situation around to something positive (do a 180). While on the other hand you are not supposed to internalize things. Either I am just not getting it (99% probability) or there is a contradiction here. Yes there is a contradiction. There is no one right answer. How about a BALANCE between the two?
I think one of the main problems in my M is that I have changed dramatically in my wife's eyes, and she probably associates all of that change to OW. From my perspective though, I have just broken out of a shell caused by years of rejection and poor communication and found my true self. How do I get my wife to see that this new me is truly a better me and that even though it came about as a result of the EA, it is a good thing in the long run? Also, I cannot go back to the old me, and even if I could, the old me was bad for our marriage. I wish there was an easy answer here but there isn't. You can't get your W to do anything she does not choose to do herself. I think a lot of M's end for this very reason. People need to be flexible. It is normal for people to change and evolve over the years. The successful M's understand this and "go with the flow." One person changes, the other adjusts, back and forth. If one is unwilling to change at all, that is a recipe for disaster. Not only is that person stagnant in the M but they are pretty stagnant as an individual. That's why it is so true that you have to love and care for YOURSELF before you can TRULY love and care for someone else. It sounds like you are really working on these issues within yourself Globule. Stay with it! Going back will be a nightmare and you know it. The thing is, you said it yourself, the M was doomed as the old you. As the new you, it at least has a chance.

I asked the C about reading sex books and her answer was, "she won't be interested in sex for one year so don't torture yourself thinking about it." I have never heard of such bs. Not that she stated your W won't be interested in sex for one year (that is your W's statement), but that the C validated all of it and basically BLEW YOU OFF. That is NOT a good sign. I would ABSOLUTELY confront the C on this statement and ask her to back up her reasoning. How is that helping the M considering that is what you consider to be the "fig leaf" as you put it.
Do you think my C loved me

Globe,

Lil and LFL are giving you great insight on how important allowing and excepting the changes of each person in a relationship is. This is something my H has a large problem with he does not like change in myself and has no drive to change himself.
How to make your wife see that the changes are good and are apart of yourself not just brought on by the other woman. I do not think you can make her see this until you do. You yourself have given other woman credit for these changes several time. While it was you who made the change she only helped facilitate it.
Your wife has changed since taking on the role of motherhood. You yourself while trying to accept these changes have had a hard time adjusting to some of them. She will also learn to accept and adjust. You have had 4 years to do so she has had a few weeks you might just want to give her a little time.