I think the answer to thank depends on the person. I also think it can be influenced by the gender of the person. Empowerment may not be as important to one as to another. I am not sure how much of this Globule needs, but I think he needs a lot and he needs it sooner rather than later.
In my opinion, if this approach hurts his dad, so be it. They can work on reconciling later. But the benefits to his marriage could far outweigh the harm done to his relationship with his step dad. I think his primary consideration should be how this could ripple through his relationship with his wife. But only he can make that evaluation.
I believe this is something that depends on the individual affected. As we all know some people are emotionally stronger than others. Some people can deal with their past experiences, put them in perspective and move on.
Others have a very difficult time doing that, hurtful/painful memories keep cropping up affecting how they deal with others and tainting their everyday lives....those people IMPO do need to confront/deal with their past in order to move on. Perhaps it doesn't have to be done face-to-face with the cause of that pain, sometimes it can be done simply in letter or journal form....but there are times, possibly in globules case....when confronting the person (since he is available) who was the cause of the pain is useful.
What this can do is take back some of globule's power that he (by no choice of his own) gave up when he was younger. It's a simple act that can have a HUGE impact.
It's not so much him saying "you were a crappy dad and this is what you did!!" It's more of a "this is how what you did affected me, and I'm not going to allow that to happen anymore."
I guess I just see this as a variation of "closure". With about as much chance of success and/or impact for change.
What if dad comes back with "you were a FU then and you're a FU now?"
That puts Glob where exactly? If he is emotionally vulnerable, the above scenario isn't going to appease that.
I see it more as a place for Glob to say to himself, "Dad was a FU, as a result I've got X, Y & Z as a part of my personality that I will have to address. I'll list out what I see them as being, and attempt to put together a plan of approach that will help me counteract them. I'll watch for unproductive response and reactions that are a result of childhood wounds/damage and come up with a plan to address and change them."
Regardless of the cause, the problem is now Glob's. What if dad comes back with "That's how I was raised." Glob pointed out that his dad has changed - was that a result of some interaction between dad and grandpa, or did dad manage to see what he needed to do and began to do it?
Dad chose to change, Glob can do the same. I would hate to think that I would always be a victim of my childhood unless I had some sort of closure encounter. Glob has the power in his life to make productive, healthy changes. I think it can be a form of continued powerlessness to think that progress may be contingent on confronting dad.
I don't see it as wrong or wrong-headed. I just hestitate for it to be placed in a position of importance without which Glob is hindered. Just my personal opinion.
My approach to this was: I will deal with it honestly, and without sparing his feelings, if and when it ever comes up.
It did come up and I handled it quite well, though not without temporary emotional upheaval. I did not attack--it wasn't necessary. Cobra you are right in that it felt good to speak those words out loud but had I never spoken them, I would still be responsible for being the person I am today.
I derived NO satisfaction from taking my dad down a notch. I found it all to be rather sad and pathetic, if you want to know the truth.
You know, sometimes I think we delude ourselves into thinking that if we "really let em have it" we will feel better but the only thing we feel afterwards is as much of a schmuck as the other person always acts like, kwim?
I think globule will get far more benefits from changing his thinking about himself than he will from attacking his changed father. It is HE who is clinging on to the childhood image he has of himself, no one is forcing this. He can shed it, though it will be hard.
I'm just not sure how beneficial airing dirty laundry is.
Gosh I can see both sides on this. But I tend to agree with MRS Nop that a person can have closure and change without any involvement of the person who has brought harm to them.
I was able to forgive my grandfather and real father for there actions without ever confronting either of them. Both are dead now so there would be no chance to move on from the hurt if I had needed to confront them to get past it. My step dad is a different issue. But he has never changed. I think if at any point in the past if his behavior had changed and he had tried to be a better person at least to my mother. I might be able to let go of a large part of my resentment towards him. Though I doubt I would ever love or respect him.
Globe said his dad has put the effort into changing. Obviously something humbled him in the past. Maybe recognizing that can help him learn and heal.
I think there is a more subtle benefit from confrontation. Sure Globule does not need to confront his dad to work through this, and he is not stuck if his dad were to die today, but while his dad is alive, think of the benefit that could come from coming to completion with him. Although Globule can work through this on his own, it is still theoretical. He would guess his father would be remorseful, but he does not know it. It is so much more powerful to hear it and feel it first person. There is no way working through this on his own can duplicate this feeling.
My wife cannot work through her issues with her mother since she is dead. And she won’t work through issues with her father, so he is essentially dead. Were she to go see her dad and work out her anger, she could gain so much more, even though she thinks she has done this in theory. If she could only here him say he is sorry, forgive him, reconcile and start up a new relationship, she could move much farther ahead in her healing.
As you say MrsNOP, his father could come back with a damaging remark, but he is an adult and should know this possibility is there. I know it could be painful, but he should be prepared for this going in. I also think there is a difference in standing up to his father in a manly manner (even if he is very polite and cordial) versus “hiding” behind the protection of a counselor and knowing he was too timid to confront his dad on his own.
And even if Globule’s dad comes back with some of the rebuttals you say, he still becomes empowered by making the confrontation. He has stood up to his dad, whether his dad acknowledges the pain or not and whether he likes it or not. But his dad knows that Globule is a force to be reckoned with and Globule will know that he knows it. It is not about making his dad submit, but about letting Globule finally come into his own. He is finally taking the right of passage he never had. For me, as a man, I would not want to avoid this matter. Anything less would be hiding. It is a gamble that Globule must evaluate. If he can prepare for the risks, a catastrophe should not create too much more damage. But I think the gains are too great to ignore.
WOW! What a flurry of discussion, all of it helpful to me. I can definitely see both sides of the issue. I hope no one thinks that I blame my dad for my failures. He had a rough childhood, rougher than mine in some sense because he was VERY poor. Whereas I have had nothing but success academically, he had to struggle because of his background despite being very intelligent (its amazing how far he can go with those conspiracy theories of his ).
I think what I was trying to say (not very well) in my answer to Cobra was that I don't want to "take him down a notch." That would not be my intent. Like I said he is just trying to find some peace in his life now and be as good as he knows how. Let's just say I have never seen him show strong emotion except anger. If I saw him getting really sad, especially if it was my comments that caused it, it would hurt.
But I can see how I can be trapped by my past, how I am trapped in the past. I have a difficult time accepting validation that would be good enough for most people, because I never received it from either of my parents so I really don't know how. I always worry about what people think about me, because knowing what my father was thinking about could mean the difference between bloody welts all over my body and just a sharp word. And my feelings of validation are ephemeral because my dad's emotion could turn to violent anger on a dime for the smallest thing. I think that's why I look for tiny shifts in people's attitudes toward me, it is a protection mechanism that was beat into me.
I don't know which way to go in terms of confronting dad (not step dad) or letting it go and just working on it internally. I am sure that the psychiatrist and self-esteem expert will probably want to talk to me a lot about it, and they will also give advice.
Let me say one more general thing then I'll get to responding to the individual posts. I know exactly what event shocked my dad into changing his ways. As I said, I am a military brat, my dad is career military. He was still in when most of us had left home finishing up his last years. He got a TDY assignment in Italy where he was going to be gone for one year. All of us kids were home at the time, so he thought well we can just all go to the airport to see him off. All of us kids made excuses and didn't go. Mom told me later he cried the whole way to the airport. I think it finally sunk in that if he didn't change fundamentally, now that we were out of the house, we didn't have to have anything to do with him if we chose not to. He does still have some control issues, but isn't any worse than anyone else's dad now.
One more quick point. It is interesting that no one noticed the small positive step with the wife. Not interesting?
GEL "You don't have to confront your dad in an "attacking" manner to get things off your chest" You are right, even if I do confront him verbally, there is no sense attacking him. I just would feel like I am attacking him even just describing what happened. I do agree that they have to come out in some way or they will control me. I am sure that in my various C sessions, they will. And they have here too.
Thanks, GEL
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"I actually have quite a bit of sympathy for them."
As do I. Both my parents had rougher childhoods than me, especially my mother who was severely physically and sexually abused by her parents.
"but I don't use them as a way to justify the choices I make today." Neither do I. I see my past experiences as influencing how I perceive events, but the choices are all mine.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
).