Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy H is too confusing for words

KDU - Can see that you are taking things sssllloooowww, which is really good. You need to adhere to your DBING and not let anything make you go haywire. I have to say HOORAY on the restraint. Don't think that I would be able to do that...

I don't know if those aliens have returned all of his brain yet, so we will see
Hope that the aliens are finally done dissecting his brain and is slowly returning piece by piece back to your H. Am also eager to see how your sitch develops cause it sort of can give me a guide as to how my sitch will develop.

GOOD LUCK!

KDU you are my Hero!! A true Goddess!! Could you give me some DB pointers woman? Amazing...and 9 months, sheesh while it seems like an eternity to you...it's really not that long. I'll keep thinking positive thoughts for you...but you've definitely got it under control. Good girl!!

KDU...Wow! Remember when you and I were detaching and thought we were moving on, and now whammo! our H's are wanting to try and work things out? Just like you , I want H to pursue me and prove to me that he wants to work on our M and not just talk the talk. I'm very cautious this time around and not getting too overly excited when he talks about coming back home.

Kudos to you for not giving in to H's needs...I know this must have been verrryy difficult.

KDU -
What a inspirational person you are. Reading your post brings so much hope to me. I know I'm new to this and decided to stop being the victim in all this.

H came for dinner, and I ACT AS IF. Happy, Happy, Happy. (Feels like Denial, Denial, Denial)

He always initiates R talk. Say's I'm acting Non-Commital.
WTF!
Maybe he's noticing me pulling back, no more pressure. Is this a positive step?

Oh, I forgot to ask the really big question.
To ML or not?
Separated 5 months - ML 4 times.
Feels great during, but afterwards, so awkward. No touching, hugging, and barely kisses.
Once, I caught him calling OW 4 hours after we ML.
Whats that all about?
H still talks sexual to me. I do try to seduce him, flirt like hell. Is this counter DBing.
KDU - I think I want to ML as much as he does. Believe me, he's refused and rejected me on occassion. Feels horrible, but I keep coming for more.
Is this a NO NO?

Lena - Is ML a no-no. That is a very hard question as each sitch needs to be judged on it's own merit and we all feel things differently so what is right for one may not be right for another.

I personally do not think that ML is the wrong thing to do but when you are ready to step back a little and look at things just try and make sure he is not just using you for sex. If you can keep it in perspective and not think b/c you have ML that means things will change then you will do O.K.

So I would say go with whilst you can handle it but when it hurts you emotionally too much or you can't cope then stop it.

Michelle somewhere has something that covers this and she says sometimes ML is the only thing a couple shares even when there is no talking and it kind of keeps them bonded together and ends up forming a basis for more eventually. Now this isn't true in all R's but it does happen.

I am just going to go and see if I can find where Michelle wrote it I will get back to you in a second...KDU

Post deleted by KimDownUnder

Everyone just scroll over this if you have read it

Actually I will just post MICHELLE'S ARTICLE here as other's might benefit from it, here it is:

SEX WITH THE ESTRANGED SPOUSE

Many times people wonder whether or not to have sex with their estranged spouses. Here's my response:

As I always say in my seminars, there are no single, one-size-fits-all solutions to any situation, this situation included. However, I do have some thoughts about the issue of having sex with your spouse when separated either physically or emotionally and/or if there is another person in the picture.

For starters, if you do decide to be physical, it's essential to use caution and be smart about protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.

Having said that, let's explore the emotional side of things. If your spouse is interested in being sexual but shows ambivalence about or even disinterest in your marriage, it makes sense that you might feel uncertain about being close physically. You might worry about feeling used or cheapened in some way. IF this is an overriding feeling, don't do it. However, I look at it another way.

Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions. If someone is doubting his or her commitment to a marriage, experiencing feelings of connection during lovemaking is a good thing and it might increase the chances that the confused spouse will feel inclined to work on the marriage. Obviously, it doesn't always work this way and as with everything else, the proof is in the pudding. But if you're willing/wanting to be intimate, it makes sense to me to do so and then watch the results. See how your spouse reacts and how you feel about it after the fact.

I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."

But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. You have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.

One word of caution. If you've been intimate with your commitment-phobic spouse for a long time and nothing improves, it's time to rethink your actions. Your relationship may have become too comfortable. Perhaps s/he is taking things for granted. Time to consider a change.

Michele

Hi everyone just a quick update before the weekend. Went out with H last night as he dropped in after work for a coffee and asked if I would like to go out so that was nice. We had a lovely time and have made our first decision together, we have decided to make Thursday Night OUR NIGHT so we will both make no plans on this night so we can do something together and the rest of the week we play by ear so we are both free unless we choose to do otherwise and I will be leaving that up to him. For those of you that are wondering (yoyo) no I didn't ML (ha).

Anyhow he has to work nights on the weekend so wont really get to see him other than when he picks up S9 tonight and drops him back tomorrow but that's cool. Oh and we also said we may do breakfast together on a Sunday at this Cafe so we will see.

He kisses me hello and goodbye again which is nice but I am still not building up my expectations. I am hoping it all works out but am a bit pessimistic due to past experiences but hopeful. I am going to let him ring me and contact me at the moment and just see how often he does it like someone said I think it was WCBeth watch his actions and that is what I plan to do. Let's see him make his moves.

So just letting you all know that it is going O.K. at the moment and wanted to fill you all in.

Some people have said I give them hope and I hope I do but people that have been reading my thread since the beginning also know that this could very easily all be over in a day or a week as my H is very up and down. Hopefully it is better this time but don't anyone give up hope on their sitch just cause mine does or doesn't work. KDK is another one who is piecing hers, her H is chasing her so there are others in the same boat.....KDU

KDU -

You are doing great! Keep down those expectations. Enjoy H's company but make no assumptions. Take things SLOW! And yes, that's me! Actions!!! Have a great weekend...

WCB