Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy H is too confusing for words

Thanks Kismet and Beth - Yes I will not allowed myself to get sucked in, this is his problem and he must deal with it. I will leave it alone and GAL and see when the next time is that he takes steps in my direction - maybe never but somehow I think he will again and I don't know that I will allow it again, I am not sure. I sort of hope not as I have said before it takes some of my feelings with it each time he does this.

I can love him but don't know if that is enough. Maybe I am just in love with the idea of being in love with him (sigh) who knows but no time for brooding must get on with it and if I am really lucky and my luck turns and I win a considerable sum of money I will fly to the U.S and meet alot of you and BB you will be my first port of call - but dont hold your breath any of you as you may turn blue would be nice though and I could bring by Aussie DB friends too...hehehehehe aaaaaahhhh to dream.....KDU

KDU - Sorry am abit late with the post.... Sorry to hear that your sitch did a bit of a turn. But like the rest of the DB folks say...you cannot control him, only yourself. WE cannot help them out of the fog. They have to find their way out. So, chin up, detach and GAL!!

Will check on you when I come back...

One Day at a TIME!!!

Hey KDU...
Just found your new thread.
KDU, I know exactly what you are going through. Exactly. Been there, done that. Your H's actions are JUST LIKE mine.

What I can say to you is this. Your H is confused, as we all know, and he isn't sure he just wants to be friends. He is sure he doesn't want to lose you from his life.

The weekly date thing is something my H and I started as well. And we had a similar outcome. This is what I think we can learn from this experience with the WAS's for others who come into this sitch. and if it occurs again with your sitch. and you are open to it still.

H was missing you. Wanting you in his life. And though we try to stay detached, when they start telling us these things and showing interest, we somehow really get those unmet needs of ours to drive us to ask Q's and ask for commitment. Of course, it is natural and human. However, asking them to commit when they are just testing the waters does not work. What it says to them, is we are still available. We need to let them wonder and not ask for commitment and make ZERO mention of OW or R. This is a mindpit that is so hard to do.
If your H follows the pattern of mine, and of his own, he'll be back again. If you want to continue this, which I think you do still want your M, or you still aren't sure yet at least, then let him make these steps towards you, but in your mind you must stay completely detached, (very hard, I know), treat him simply as a friend, DO NOT get excited and be available whenever he asks, keep GAL for yourself and let him see it, keep up the mystery and not share everything going on. Your H is thinking about you a lot and he doesn't want to lose you. But he doesn't think he is. He thinks it is his choice and that makes him comfortable to withdraw yet again.
I wouldn't read much into him saying he only wants to be friends. He doesn't know that. Take comfort that he wants you in his life. That's all he knows.
Don't bring up any R talks, KDU. Don't ask for any commitment from him. Don't offer commitment to him. Play it really cool here. Keep on DBing. I know it gets exhausting, but I think this process with you and your H is moving forward, it is just tiring.
If you start having those "dates" again, be sure your only goal is to have him feel comfortable with you. Enjoy the companionship. But do not be so available to him. Don't announce your DBing to him, ie...I quit pursuing you. That makes it sound like you still want to pursue him and makes him very comfortable to withdraw.
So start looking at what it was that had him seeking you out. And do it again. And be patient. And the next time he does this, keep your own GAL, truly have no expectations, and take care of you.
I still see progress made here. Your H is not ready to let you go. And you know the A will end sometime. Really, it is a matter of how long you can hold out for him. He and you just need to realize that. H needs to worry about losing you forever and he isn't.
My H chases each and every time he thinks I am gone. Each and every time he suspects another person may be in the picture. That's when he is out of his comfort zone. Your H needs to be out of his comfort zone with this.
That's my advice, for what it is worth.
KDU, you are a champ. And you are doing well. I hope this helps you get a clear pic. of what is happening so you don't beat yourself up or feel so disappointed.

Thank you so much, BTW, for all your words of support. You are a wonderful person.

(((((KimDownUnder)))))...

I am so sorry for all of the pain you are enduring right now... I truly believe it is your H's loss...
Your H still may be trying to convince himself that he is making the right decision, but I do not think he will ever TRULY believe it... (the fact that he drove away from your office very subdued and with tears in his eyes is a perfect example of that)...
I honestly do not think he will ever be able to truly find peace with his decision. In my opinion, your H is acting very selfish and he will somehow have to find a way to live with the guilt of walking away from the marriage. At some point, I am sure that he WILL regret what he is doing and who knows where you will be at that point.

Kim, if you still want your H back and for him to see what a wonderful person you are, GREAT!...
If or when that happens, that ship may have sailed.
You may have already found someone truly amazing...
Someone who will be your support and love you unconditionally. Someone who can show you what a loving relationship is really all about... By facing the difficult challenges of everyday life and working through them TOGETHER... Kim, you are such a warm, thoughtful, and caring woman and you deserve the very best life has to offer you!

I find when I am struggling with my situation, it helps me out some when I BLAST the song: "Since You've Been Gone",
by Kelly Clarkson... (Okay, so I may be a little too "mature" to own her latest CD, but I must admit that I love that song! )...
The lyrics are simply perfect and they even remind me of your issues with your H...
"ALL YOU'D EVER HEAR ME SAY, IS HOW I PICTURE ME WITH YOU,
BUT SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE, I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME... I'M SO MOVING ON... THANKS TO YOU, NOW I GET WHAT I WANT... SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE---
HOW CAN I PUT IT, YOU PUT ME ON... I EVEN FELL FOR THAT STUPID LOVE SONG, SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE...
HOW COME I NEVER HEAR YOU SAY, I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOU... GUESS YOU NEVER FELT THAT WAY---
YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE, YOU BLEW IT... OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND... SHUT YOUR MOUTH, I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT...
AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN!!!!!"....

Kim, it is the BEST song! I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers... So sorry that your H can not see what a truly amazing woman you are!
Thinking of you, -OC Kim

Kim, the more you pull away the more it's his loss. And he's shown that he knows it, somewhere deep down in the fog. Like so many of us here, you'd like to have what you know you could have with him, but you're starting to pull away from the pack in understanding that you don't want to have what you've got now. So you keep stepping, Kim, cause your life is gonna be great. You're setting yourself free, and you're gonna love how you emerge from this. We all backslide sometimes, but apart from that let H chase you and try to keep up. And if he can't, I'll bet you find someone more your speed.

That's all I have time to post right now because I have to go fill out some more lottery tickets!

Thanks Yoyo, Sh, OCKim and BB.....
SH - I understand what you ar saying but I honestly did not put expectations on him this time. He said he wanted to take it slow and I said well how about we just see each other on a Thursday for awhile and see how it goes we can change it if we want to. I suppose the saying he wasn't to sleep with anyone was a demand. See you make me re-evaluate what I have said and I thank you for that, I will give it some thought.....

OCKim - Thankyou so much for that wonderful post, you truly write the most amazing things. Yes that song by Kelly is appropriate, I will have to find it and play it out loud when I am on my own - for inspiration.

BB - You and OcKim are so right, I will keep doing what I am doing and if he follows well maybe I will be there but then again maybe I wont....You keep filling out those tickets love cause I am. Oh and BB thankyou for flirting with me as I love it and it does my PMA the world of good. I can guarantee each time my H makes me feel $hitty you will say something to make me feel worthwhile and I hope I do the same for you and hey neither of us are ready to date so this is the next best thing

Well guys I dont think I have anything to update, I do have volleyball tonight so that will be good and I don't expect to hear from H for awhile, which I am quite fine with. This time it has made me angry but not really upset which makes a change so maybe I am getting stronger. Till I have an update.....KDU

This time it has made me angry but not really upset which makes a change so maybe I am getting stronger.

It is a definite that you are stronger, and wiser. DBing is def a growing experience

Hope you're not too sore from Volleyball. I used to play it in highschool, and that is one physical game. Not sure how my 40 yo body would handle that now

Keep GAL gal!

Kismet - Handled volleyball alright. We play Indoor Beach Volleyball so not so hard when you land but it is harder to move around in the sand than I remember. We have played 3 games now the first we lost and the last 2 we have won. So I think it is coming back. We call ourselves "T.O.T.S" (Too Old Too Slow) very fitting name I can tell you as I am 39.

H rang today to see about having S tonight. We worked this out and he touched a bit on us. I just said I was over it and was just concerned with working out a routine for our S. He said again that he wanted to be friends and I said "Look I don't know at the moment I don't want that as friends don't treat each other the way you have been treating me, I don't know about down the track but all I can say is you are a very different person over these last 9 months and I am worried about you b/c you have never been this self centered and uncaring towards someone else.

H said I know I have made alot of mistakes, maybe I wasn't cut out to be a family man. WTF....I said well I don't know about that but where does that leave our S. He said I really don't know at the moment. I said Look that bothers me as your S adores you and I can't believe you would think that you might distance yourself from him. H said "I know I just don't know what to think at the moment". I said Look I think you had better sit down and look at your life and what you have achieved in the last 9 months, what you achieved in our 12 years together and what you hope to achieve in the future. You worry me b/c you are so unhappy with everything and I don't think it would hurt you to see a doctor and just check if you are depressed. If you are you may find going on some tablets for a little while help to clear your head a bit and may just be what you need to start seeing things a bit clearer. H said he would think about it. I said well I think it is in your best interest to do that but again it's just a suggestion, you have to decide what to do for you. I will see you when you pick up S.

We then said our goodbyes and that was that.
I am a bit worried about him as he is so up and down and unclear on what he wants and makes so little sense, but again I can offer a suggestion but I am not in control of him and he will make whatever decisions he will. I hope he is O.K. but I do not wish to give him my energy at the moment.

If he asks for help I may help I don't know but I will continue to GAL and detach as it will serve me well. Although I worry about him I have to learn to switch off a little as I have enough to take care of with the kids, the house, the animal, work and myself......

So that's my update not much really but hey that's life at the moment......

Oh and this Friday night I am going out with a group of friends, about 6 or 8 of us, which all of us have not been out together for a couple of years so I am looking forward to that. It was funny cause at Volleyball I just said to Craig, what are you doing Friday night and he said nothing why and I said Well if you are going to Fiji on Monday and don't know when you are coming back we should go out and do something, he agreed so I turned and asked my male friend Jarrod did he want to come and he said yes, then I asked my sister and she said yes and it just sort of happened all out of the blue. See what happens if you just ask.........Here's to a good night.....KDU

S.H. KIM,

Volleyball huh?

Well, you need to SPIKE your husband!!! Every time you hit that ball, pretend it's his melon. It may not change anything but it'll probably feel good!!

DMF

What a DB Goddess you are!!! Bowing down to KDU....little grasshopper here has soooo much to learn from you...but I will just bow down in respect to you for now.

I wonder what he's going to do with all that info you gave him? Hopefully he will take a couple of days and let it soak into the brain.

Best to you!!!