You are doing so well. I really admire your strength!
Also wanted to say some degree of your happiness with the changing sitch did come through the last post. I liked that. Good to be careful, but why not enjoy the moment!
I want H to pursue me and prove to me that he wants to work on our M and not just talk the talk. Mmmm....looks like we are all at this stage, aren't we? Am also waiting for my H to walk the walk/ walk the talk. (Both are correct, as per Kismet )
For those of you that are wondering (yoyo) no I didn't ML (ha). LOL - I did wonder about that! You know me quite well now...
we have decided to make Thursday Night OUR NIGHT That's really wonderful news!!!! At least it's a start. I am so happy and hopeful for you. I am sure you guys are gonna start enjoying each other (okay..not the ML part) and not take each other for granted from now on. Let's see where it leads to. Keep us updated, okay?
Read the ML post and decided whatever happens - happens. I do believe I initiate the ML because it is a special bond that I enjoy with my H and now WAS. Unfortunately, afterwards it is uncomfortable. H says something like "OK lets put on our clothes." Not very loving.
But it is what it is. And I got to face that.
My choice. I know.
I've read your recent post and I'm so happy for you. I know you're suppose to go slow, & no expectations but how do you not scream with joy and jump up and down!! Just do it! You deserve it, I know it'll feel great!
Kim great progress. The Thurs Night thing sounds like a great idea. Hang in there. Slow and steady
I am hoping it all works out but am a bit pessimistic due to past experiences but hopeful
I think your past experiences are going to help you out here Kim, as now you are a bit more guarded and H is going to have to put his money where his mouth is so to speak. But, I do hope that it does work out this time
Thanks girls for the kind words and encouragement.....
Update... Friday night H picked up S, took him to movies and then came back and got his clothes and took him to his place. I had a female friend there when they got back from the movies as we were going out so sort of rushed H and S out the door.
Saturday H bought back S but was in a hurry to get to work so didn't hold him up and he mentioned that he might ride his bike to the gym so what did I want to do and I said well you do your thing and I will do mine. H said No I could meet you there and I said well how about you text me when you are leaving home and if I hear the text and want to go I will meet you there and if I am asleep then I will just go later. H said that was fine.
So I had a few wines with another girlfriend Sat afternoon and did a no-no I got a bit tipsy and therefore toey so I sent H a text saying "Had a few wines feeling toey so watch out next week" I got no reply . Anyhow I didn't pursue I left it alone.
Sunday morning 8am my phone goes off and it is a text from H, pick you up for gym at 9am. I replied "O.K". So he picks me up and I said did you get my message last night and he says yes but I was busy at work.(Like he couldn't have messaged later) so I said O.K. well don't take too much notice of it as I had a few wines and am over it now" H didn't really say much to this so I left it alone. We did our workouts and on the drive home he says would you like to go and get breakfast at the cafe and I replied if you like. So we went and had breakfast and he was all chatty again and even spoke a little about how things are going then he dropped me home and that was that. Gotta go update more in a little while sorry...KDU
I hope your are doing well! Don't we wish this journey was a nice straight line! But it's not and we can't expect things to happen all of the sudden or easily! So keep your eyes fixed on the whole picture, just not pieces of it! I'm trying to do that myself, and some days I am better at it than others. So do something special for you today amd keep that PMA going...
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Yes so that was my weekend where H is concerned. It's funny b/c he is the one that said he wanted to see how things could go for us and then on the other hand he seems hot and cold.
Other than anything I have already said I have not pursued him and other than the one text message to him, I have not contacted him. He is still happy to keep Thursday night as our night and during conversations yesterday when we had breakfast I did say to him, this does mean that you wont be sleeping with anyone else whilst we are seeing what is happening with us. He said I can't make that promise (WTF) and I said well the other day you said you wouldn't be seeing anyone else and if you can't make that promise to me then it means you are not truly trying to see if we can work it out which is fine but I will stop it all now if you can't guarantee me that. He said O.K. I see what your saying so I can promise that for now and I said O.K. that's all I am asking and if you find that you feel you want to pursue someone else just be honest and tell me so I know. He said that he would but just that conversation on it's own didn't sit real well with me as I don't think it shows alot of committment.
He also said that he loves going to the pub with me but at other times he doesn't feel comfortable. I asked him for an example but he said he couldn't give me one as he couldn't think of one at the moment.(WTF) I said well I can't comment unless I know what you mean and he said I know I just can't give you an example now. I said O.K. we will just see what happens and he seemed fine with that. He did say one other thing though and that was that he hoped he wasn't just trying to build a friendship with me b/c he really wants us to remain friends no matter what and knows I don't really want that so he said he hopes he is not getting the friendship confused with thinking he wants more.
That bothered me and I must say the whole thing is bothering me a bit as I don't know what he wants and neither does he. Alarm bells are ringing and I feel awful that I just don't know him anymore.
I said to the friendship thing that I appreciated that he was being honest in how he was feeling and that was very important if we are to see what is left of our R or M. As if we can't feel comfortable saying what we feel then there is no hope. He agreed and said he knows he is not making alot of sense but that he doesn't make sense very often as I should know. I laughed and said yes well that has been the case in the past but hopefully you will feel comfortable to say what you want as if you are open and honest nobody can condemn you for that as you are entitled to feel whatever you want.
So I am still validated and being happy and easygoing even though I certainly do not feel it.
BB I am with you on one of my thoughts and before anyone tells me not to do it can I just say it is a thought but no action will be taken.
BB I feel as though, if someone asked me out on a date or showed me some interest, I would be very tempted to go, if for nothing else to help me evaluate my feeling for H. I wouldn't do anything at all and would be totally honest with the person I went out with but at the moment feel it would help me realise if there is a future with H. I am wondering if this was sort of how you were feeling with your W, when you said a similair thing on your site???????
Anyhow that's my update, will just keep plodding along but don't know if reconciliation is possible just yet as I don't know that H's heart is 100% in it, I get the feeling that he is 30% committed but doesn't even know what he is committed too.(sigh)..... KDU
((((KDU)))) I know you are feeling quite confused with your emotions. I would be too. I think the thing for you to do is to keep being detached and not think too much about H. Those Thursday night outings with H? Keep a rubber band on your wrist to keep reminding you to consider H as your "friendly neighbour" and nothing more. The reason why you are feeling this way is because you are expecting something NICE to happen, H to commit 100% etc. (I know this is SOOOO hard to do. I know how to talk only, but if it was me, I think I will be feeling the same way as you do.)
O.K. here we go again....H has just rung me from work and said he wants to speak to me about us going out on Thursday night, I said what do you mean and he said Look I will come around tonight after work and talk to you. I said Tony whatever you have to say surely can be said now and he said Well I don't want to go out Thursday night I think I have made a mistake. Your friendship is very very important to me but I don't think I feel anything else.
He then said Could he come around to talk and I said No as no amount of talking was going to make it right, I would rather just forget it from now. I asked him to explain how he could make this decision after just 5 days and he had nothing to say. I told him to just forget it as if he had no explanation then there was nothing to discuss. I said that I don't understand how when I tell him to stay away from me he can't cope but the moment he thinks he has me back he withdraws. He said he knew he was doing this and that it wasn't right and that is why he wanted to end it now.
I told him that he has been playing a very cruel game and that I deserved a better explanation seeing as how it was him that said he wanted to try with me and I was starting to make a new life for myself until he pulled me back he ended up saying sorry and hung up without me even replying.
What is he doing to me, I knew this would happen, I knew he was withdrawing again and I didn't pressure him so pressure or not makes no f***ing difference. This whole thing is such a mess, I can't stay friends with him cause right this moment I hate his miserable guts.
Am I doing everything the wrong way? Am I controlling without even knowing it. Over the past 9 months I have done so much soul searching and seeing where I can improve, taking notice of all you wonderful people and applying to myself where needed and for what, he has done nothing except keep me hanging on a thread and upsetting me whenever he feels the desire. I don't get this and I don't understand why we are so easy for them to dump on dont they realise we have feelings that this hurts us like nothing else has in our lives and if it wasn't for our kids,we just wouldn't cope. Oh god I have had enough, he has upset me again and put me back to square one and I am gonna have a real hard time forgiving his sorry @rse for this one.
Sorry guys I am just so angry and upset that I felt it was better to vent here than take it out on anyone else......Till I am calmer......KDU
What is the saying "You only hurt the ones you love." I tend to think it's because they know they can dump and dump on us and we show that we will always be there. At least for me..the past week with Dave...I was feeling the same way. It's been friendship on HIS terms...not in the true sense of friend, only what I could do for HIM...with me not getting anything out of it other than the privilege of speaking with him and having his anger put on me when I refused to pay the bill.
I wish I could understand it for ALL of us...I don't. I too would like to be his friend but at what price must we sacrifice our integrity and sanity for friendship in the hopes that something more may grow out of it.
)
You know me quite well now... 
. Anyhow I didn't pursue I left it alone.
KDU 