Quote: I also noticed that XW left a sizable box of her momentos, some from the M, some predating me.
This is curious. STBXW left a lot of things, and tossed a lot of things, that I would have figured she'd keep. The stuff that predated me was stuff that wasn't "tainted" by my influence, right?
I feel this is a sign that what's going on right now is not about you or me, but all their own stuff. Rejecting wedding photos (in my case) is one thing, but rejecting pre-M stuff, even childhood stuff, is different.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: but that she has a lot of wonderful living to look forward to, and that S6 needed a healthy mommy.
IMHO, you probably could have handled this better. Whenever you use the word "but" you negate what the other person is sharing with you. Try to validate more and negate less.
Quote: ...wanted to follow my lead in terms of setting up a consistent plan for his allowance and a reinforcement plan for his behavior. I rephrased it as a cooperative effort, and thanked her for joining me with it.
This is probably a point in the conversation where you could have affirmed her parenting skills more (since I know this is something you've been wanting to focus on more in your interactions with her).
Quote: A FF told me that XW is lonely, is frustrated with dating, has invested in an expensive new sextoy (can you pay $200+ for a vibrator?!), has gotten at least her bellybutton pierced, and is going to nude beaches. Ugggh.
I think we've discussed this before, but this sounds a lot like someone who is re-exploring their sexuality in an adolescent way. How old is your XW again? Mid-30's? Remember -- women hit their sexual peak in their 30's. All I can say about my 30's is man-oh-man was I horny...ALL the freakin' time! I developed a real empathly for what it must be like to be an adolescent boy! Since she's been rather closed off in this area in the past (from what you have described previously), I wouldn't worry too much about this. It is healthy for her to discover or re-discover the sexual part of her being. She will return to center when her hormones calm down a bit.
I'm glad that you treated yourself to some time to catch up on sleep. Obviously you needed it, or you wouldn't have slept so long. Honey, it's important that you take care of yourself in the calm, quiet, nurturing (Venusian) ways as well as the Martian ways (working out, running, developing your career, etc.). Balance, balance, balance. Treat yourself to a nice bubble bath in candlelight sometime, with a good book and a nice bottle of wine. You'd be amazed at what something like that can do for your PMA.
AS far as XW leaving old momentos and stuff behind? That's a very psychological statement about the parts of her life she needs to shed in some way, so don't take it personally. When I prepared to relocate 3 years ago, I sold off a lot of my furniture. I had spent most of my adult life collecting early American antiques. I suddenly found myself asking "why do I have this stuff? Why is this how I've always decorated?" The answer? Because that was what I was raised with. So, like a snake shedding its skin, I decided to shed some things that represented an old way of life for me.
Of course I was also an empty nester at the time and knew I was moving into a new phase of my life. It's not uncommon for newly singled people to re-evaluate what they have previously held on to. Now, having said that, it doesn't mean that I completely turned my back on the past lessons and experiences of my life. I just learned to incorporate them in a more healthy way.
I'm glad that you are enjoying nesting. It's good for you to spend some time feathering your own nest, so to speak. It will help you focus on you! SO went through this after we split up, and it has been good for him as well. I don't think Martians spend enough time doing this.
You're in my thoughts, honey. All of my four cents, FWIW.
K, yep, her stuff that drove us to our current sitch is sizable, but so is the crap I pulled in our M.
I guess right now, I'm giving her space to work on her stuff, and using this time to work on me. Perfecting myself in a sustainable, life-altering way, with no goal other than making myself better. If I end up with her again, that will be wonderful. But I'll be okay regardless.
I watched "Empire Falls" last night - a rental I had to return and hadn't watched all weekend. The dad and daughter have a great R, while the WAW is in obvious confusion turmoil. I found myself keying in on the LBS's detachment and peaceful acceptance of his WAW, even noticed his wearing his ring despite her getting remarried (never mentioned in the story).
Martha, I think you're right about her sexuality. Your depiction of raging hormones is frightening, but yes, she was extremely shut off in that area. I wonder if she'll ever connect the dots and empathize with how I felt as her partner?
Nice convo last night. W called to tell me that she took S6 to get a cranial sacral massage. I was a bit miffed by her not telling me ahead of time, but I kept that to myself, thanked her for doing so, and she seemed to brighten at that.
Hmmm, treat myself in a more Venusian way. I have been taking way better care of my appearance. I'm not quite a metrosexual, but I've improved that quite a bit. In terms of just mere self-care, I can do better. Thanks for that.
Woo-hoo! I just successfully negotiated 4 more overnights with S6. Up to 10 a month now. 14 visits overall per month, with near daily contact (driving to/from school) otherwise, except for XWs weekends with him.
In prior months, my controlling side would have wanted him to be with her, to "keep her out of trouble" etc... I now know that she's got to get thru this MLC stuff herself, that it is at least a little sacrifice to be away from him, especially now, knowing that he's spending time with me at what was our marital home.
I brought it up after picking S6 up to drive him to school. He started asking when he could next spend time with me, and seemed very hurt that our next visit would be Sat. It will be a sacrifice, as I have more work than any sane person should have, and the house is a challenge to keep up with solo. But I'll deal with it happily, if it means more time with him, and more space and time for her to go thru her replay or depressed modes. It may be what she needs to compare the grass on that side versus our sitch here at home.
She seems like she's becoming a bit more unraveled. Can't quite put my finger on it, but she 'feels' shaky. Unlike before, I don't want her to fall apart so that she can run back to me, saying "I need you." I want her to defeat her ghosts, to grow healthy, and then and only then, if it comes to this, for her to say, "I want you."
The exchange re more time was calm, to the point, not overly friendly. I feel very blessed this morning.
I consider you to be a friend and an intelligent and logical person, this is why I become SOOOO frustrated with you.
Quote: I now know that she's got to get thru this MLC stuff herself,
Your focus is still on HER, what she is doing or going through or when she gets through it you will be together.
Quote: She seems like she's becoming a bit more unraveled. Can't quite put my finger on it, but she 'feels' shaky. Unlike before, I don't want her to fall apart so that she can run back to me, saying "I need you." I want her to defeat her ghosts, to grow healthy, and then and only then, if it comes to this, for her to say, "I want you."
Arrrghhhhhhhhhhhh.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH. I know (believe me, I know) there is this need to measure, label, and quantify, but with behaviors, this is not always possible.
Even if she is "going through something" and does "come out the other side," you again, have no idea where her life is headed. She may be much happier living alone, moving to Tibet, joining the circus, or anything.
We all want desperately to find and be with the person we knew and loved before, but that person, the person we believed in and thought we knew, is gone. It leaves us empty and sick and dying inside to believe this, but this is the truth. The situation and the reality, now, not a year or two or five in the past or three years in the future, when we reconnect (like we dreamed), but the, they are gone and not in our lives, now.
Understand, you will receive (some) sympathy from a single, working Dad, with three kids and house to take care of.
Take care of the now, not the tomorrow or the yesterday.
I'm glad things have calmed down for you. I'm also very glad you'll be getting to spend more time with your son. You are such a wonderful dad and he's one very lucky little boy.
Thank you for your kind words you left on my thread. Very appreciated.
Quote: Stay focused on yourself. Feed or take care of yourself. And enjoy the small positives that come your way, just for what they are in the moment. Nothing more. I would give my right arm to have made out with my XW this morning.
Congrats on the expanded overnights! Those have been the greatest gift I've received in my own sitch and I know you'll make the most of them.
I've been diving into C.S. Lewis this week so I'm in a heightened theological mood and had to post to you. I want you to know that you are constantly in the back of my mind in terms of showing unconditional love to your W. More specifically, you have tested my conversion regarding my interactions in my own M. Now, I may have a differnt take than you, but you have definitely challenged my thinking and helped to open new doors of insight.
Generally speaking, you often say your goal for XW is for her to tbe happy, with or without you. Personally, I've always wrestled with that in that while deep down I don't wish ill will to W, I'm not sure what this happiness is all about. On earth? Eternally? And perhaps most important, happiness at whose expense. Me? Our children? In fact, when someone tells me that they just want me to be "happy," I'm tempted to to ask in response, "If I said sleeping consensually with your W or D (of age, of course ) would make me happy, would that be okay? When put that way, people have a very different view (can you tell I may not be making as lot of new friends! ).
In any event, what I'm discerning from your sitch, is the sense of viewing XW as a fallen angel. Good taking a bad turn. And when you view your X through that lens it opens the door to compassion and a desire to show true love not so much as a wish that X will be happy as it is a desire to see W make choices more consistent with the goodness that is part of her creation. Furthermore, so long as this perspective is genuinely centered about compasion for X's eternal destiny as opposed to your personal desires for your own life, I think one can truly experience love the way God intended and Christ tried to demonstrate.
This is not to say that I am happy with W's decisions that affect me and the kids or that I will not get angry at them. But it does give me a new perspective that I should try to use when I must interact with W that can lessen my hostility. That can only be a good thing.
Gabe, as I reread this, I really want to thank you for helping me understand this a little bit better in my own life. I honestly believe that if I had not been reading your thread, this kind of discernment never would have occurred and would have taken me much longer to achieve. This is just one more reminder to me that a community of faith is essential to keeping the light burning brightly.
Hope, thanks for the props. I'm so looking forward to more time with S6.
Bruce, what would I do without your reminders to focus on myself? Actually, there is so much more peace in me that I expected to experience about my sitch. There are stumbling points, such as finding her hair in the dustpan after sweeping a room or remembering events in a room or part of the yard. I've only been back in the house 2 weeks, so that is probably normal.
Merrick, you described my targetted stance quite well. I don't see her as a fallen angel though, but more so as a prodigal spouse, wandering the world, distracting in a partially hedonistic manner. In this story, though, if she never comes back, S6 and I will build and live wonderful lives. I'll work hard to make sure of that, while he's a dependent, and for myself regardless. I see the remaining potential in her for good, and do have hopes for her that are more eternal in focus than centering on our reconciliation.
Bruce, you're right that the person I knew and loved is gone, in that she's changed. But she also changed drastically from when I first discovered this amazing 23yo to the 30 mother of my child to the 33yo who walked away from our M. I expect her and myself as well to change and unfold as life goes on, with no two moments ever displaying the same person.
So is there hope? Yes, there is always hope.
But I'll focus on what I can control, and leave the rest to God and XW.
I developed a real empathly for what it must be like to be an adolescent boy! Since she's been rather closed off in this area in the past (from what you have described previously), I wouldn't worry too much about this. It is healthy for her to discover or re-discover the sexual part of her being. She will return to center when her hormones calm down a bit. 