Brief synopsis: M ~ 9.5 yrs D on 5/2/05 XW 34 & in ~ MLC Me 38 S6
Wow - I've been D'd for 5 months as of yesteday. I see XW several times a week regarding S6's transfers. We work together but have near opposite schedules, so its possible to not see one another there. XW moved out of the marital home to her new condo on 9/24-29. I moved back 'home' on 9/30.
Wow - the emotions that hit when I first came thru the doors and navigated the rooms. At two points, my knees buckled and I sobbed uncontrollably. I felt overwhelmed with a mixture of sadness and despair. This was not how my life was supposed to be. Just then, out of the blue, I received a call from Koshka (thank you!) who talked some sense into me, gave me hope regarding my future, and reminded me of the benefits of dropping the rope and letting XW do her own work. After that point, I did start to see the positives. A friend came over later and also pointed out the advantages of making my own calls re decorating, guests, etc...
I had S6 over with me Sat thru this am. We had some fun, but I was busier than I like to be with him around, as I had to shop or receive basic things like mattresses, bedding, etc...
We bumped into XW late Sun morn at home goods store. I was racing S6 to for an emergency pitstop at the time, and it really surprised me to bump into her. She was alone (thank God!), and seemed comfortable seeing him. S6 got upset a bit, wanting to be with her but wanting to be w/ me too. She let him help her put her things in her car while I stayed in the store, and then brought him back. S6 said, "Dad why didn't you talk to her?" I replied, "Sometimes S6, I just dont know what to say to her." S6 said, "Well, you could tell her she looks pretty." From the mouth of babes.
Later that day, he told me while crying: "Dad I get sad sometimes when I think that our family is broken apart." I just held and rocked him. This move was hard on him. I think he may have imagined my moving home as making it "all better." Instead, its more of the same, just in new locations.
I could tell that someone (ILs likely) had helped XW clean in a quick busy fashion. Lots of work on the bathrooms, which were filthy while she was there (she had difficulty cleaning them due to some childhood abuse stuff). But other signs of her being less than herself included food all under the couches, with a stream of ants coming in to feast. Another issue was that several lightbulbs were burned out in the master bedroom and bathroom. She was living in a dark, poorly lit manner. I cleaned up quite a bit, treated the ant problem, changes the bulbs, and made notes of other to-do items.
Still hunting for bedroom furniture, adding some bright colors to the place and hopefully will do okay with the house while its just me. I'll have S6 again after school til 7:30 pm.
I wish I could hug you for real. I know the day Andy moved out was the worst of my life.
It will get better, I promise you. You could fill the house with your own stuff and soon it will feel like yours.
My house isn't the marital home, but I decorated it all over just how I wanted it and I love it now, even though I hated moving here. I love it, it's just a little bit too small, but it's so full of colour, it's just so *me*.
Maybe you could do something like that?
Gabe, we all care about you. Keep your spirits up.
Now I have my coffee and can write more! Still have not figured out how you managed to give that stuff up!
Your description of the conditions of the house reminded me of this stupid assignment I had in JH where we had to figure out true/false correlations. One of them that I had wrong has always stuck w/me being: the cleanliness of the house is directly related to the income of the owner. (that was years ago, so I'm probably misquoting it!) That was supposed to be a true statement, but I still don't agree w/it. I think the cleanliness of a person's environment is directly related to their PMA. If someone isn't happy, their house shows it.
It's good that you were able to get moved back in, and as time passes, and you make some of your changes to the place it will feel more like 'home' to you.
I got a chuckle out of son's advice to you. Ahh, if it was only that easy. What other things do 6yo do? Pull her hair, maybe show her some bugs? j/k! t/c T
Quote: What other things do 6yo do? Pull her hair, maybe show her some bugs?
Yeah, and run up and punch or kiss, too!
Gabe, please know that I was thinking about you and S6 this weekend, and I suspected this was going to be pretty hard. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to call you...family things have been nuts lately and pulling me in 100 different directions.
Something that helped me, after I got past the initial shock of moving/putting stuff into storage (and yes, there was a fair amount of sobbing and knee-buckling too) was to remember that it's all just stuff. It's just a house, made of 2x4s, cement, brinks, siding, shingles and drywall. It's just stuff, dude.
I know it's hard to think of things that way, but we anthropormorphize inanimate objects. The stuff that constructs your house could give a rats patooty about who lives there. It's just stuff. It's just molecules.
The emotions that come on and rip us apart are good for healing I think. Last night after being tough guy all day I saw something on TV, (basically just a happy family together) I broke down like you did, I had to go outside the house so XW wouldn't see me. For some reason for a few days I will feel so relief after breaking down.
Sorry about the move. You had asked if I moved, and yes, I did. I did very well at moving out of my old place but when it came to unpacking in my new place I was upset like you.
Ex left me everything from our old home. I loved the house we were renting before ex left me. It had so much character, and I know that I will never find a place as neat as that one. We were planning to buy it the very next month before ex filed for divorce. I guess his secret plans were different than mine regarding the house. Losing that house was in my top ten things that killed me to lose. It came right after losing family, our cats and friends. We spent a lot of time decorating each and every room. When I moved right after the separation, I just packed everything into boxes and kept it in the boxes even when I moved to my first new place, "the dump". I didn't unpack anything! I didn't even unpack a fork. I just went to the local store and bought one plate, one cup, one bowl and a set of silverware. Isn't that insane!
I am very excited about my new place. It is beautiful. Since I finally live in a nice place, I was excited about finally being at a point where I could use all my old stuff without getting too emotional. When I began to open up the boxes, too many memories started to emerge. I didn't cry like you did, but I would have for sure five months ago. You will discover that when enough time passes it gets easier and easier and the crying episodes become less and less.
All the memories did put me in a very sullen mood, and I just decided that I didn't want to unpack this weekend. I did nothing this weekend, but I am back at it today.
The things I discovered in those boxes.....For valentines, I had two special glasses and plates and would always use them to make a special valentines dinner. It was so sad to discover those. There was a lot of stuff that we bought together and things that were ex's when he lived alone before we met. Just tons and tons of memories.
You know what helps me. You may already do this, but I'll say it anyways. I used to think life is what you make of it. That is true, but I also have realized that no one on this earth has the life that they thought they would have-no one! Life is tough, and it is tough for every single person. I guess this the hardship we are to endure so we have to be strong. Knowing that everyone has a hard life is what keeps me strong and keeps me from feeling sorry for myself too long.
I wanted to add that I am sure it was very hard for ex to pack up and move from your marital home. I bet she cried just like you did. Sounds like she is very depressed letting the place get that filthy. I am embarassed to say that I would let my old place get so filthy. It was because I was very, very depressed. I would have never done that otherwise. Wife is depressed because her life isn't what she thought it would be. She will figure things out though and do what it takes to make her life good again. Hopefully, she will realize that losing you is the reason her life is now so unhappy. Why don't these fools realize that divorce is not the answer?
M, you're right - those are just things, and the R lives apart from them. JDD, I think you're right about feeling some relief after such a release. It's easier than keeping things bottled up, huh? T, I think you're right. She is struggling and I feel for her. I want her to be happy - with or without me.
Sam, you are one tough cookie. You are ever so right - life is not fair, and although I may allow myself to grieve this loss, I will not feel sorry for myself. Nor will I expect to have things end up my way. I can only control myself. Something I noticed this afternoon made me convinced that you are right - she was mourning the loss of our family during the last months as well, and likely during the move.
I was in the backyard with S6 this afternoon, using the playground I built him. I was such a joy to push him on the swing and climb the rockwall together, and play superheroes. For just a little bit, I heard his carefree laughter without the thoughtful, muted tone that has seeped into his way of being this year.
While running around the yard, I stopped short. XW had stopped feeding her wild birds. Never in 12 yrs has she faild to feed the birds so that she can watch them while drinking her coffee in the morn, or while making dinner in the eve. Her favorite rosebushes were all dead or diseased. It was as if she refused to look outside, and stayed holed up inside like a hostage for several months. What an awful way to be, if so.
I feel a ton of sympathy for her. Not pity, just pure sympathy.
At dropoff, she looked at my checks for CS and student loans, glared, and was very muted in her interactions. I shared some things about S6, and she seemed to want to get going, so I cut things short.
Lost, you are right that she's both excited about her new place, and very angry again at me after having left our home.
