Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE The saga continues

"I would have bet my life on some sort of connection still being played out with OW"
I guess you won that bet so your life is still yours, which is a good thing.

I am sorry that you couldn't find the EC in your relationships. It is a really good feeling that we had for that short time. It does pain me that I haven't had great sex in my life, but I am glad that I didn't go there with OW. I want to have the chance to experience that first with my W, if she will let me.

Mutual friend saw the whole thing happening and tried to discourage it a few times but she was involved in her own mess at the same time. It is hard to tell what she really thinks though. She is definitely a better friend to OW than to me as they have known each other much longer. But I do think she is a true friend to me.

I am not suicidal anymore, and I am actually ashamed that I even was for a short time. It was a cowardly response not worthy of me, and extraordinarily unfair to my wife and children and everyone else in my life. Thanks for caring though.

The "one chance at happiness" comment comes from my fear that I will spend the rest of my life trying to have the relationship I want with my wife and never succeeding, the passion hovering just out of my reach.

Thanks so much for your kind words. It does help a lot to talk to someone who understands me. Knowing that you were able to make it through a similar situation gives me hope. As Lil says it, "happy sexy" Globule will eventually be in control and "mopy depressed" Globule will just be a bad memory, especially with a little help from friends like you.

"I almost majored in anthropology"
What stopped you? The thought of spending long days toiling in hot deserts looking for a few shards of pottery?

"Don't put all of your hopes into the C sessions."
I guess I am mainly hoping that they can break the ice a bit. When it is just the W and I, too many other things seem to get in the way to make that first step. After our first C session, we did have some decent talks about the issues she brought up afterwards.

"Your W really needs to show you some small gesture and SOON. Screw waiting a year! You'll go batty by then. Make sure you bring that up to the C."
I will, and wish me luck. I just hope the C sees that I am nearing the end of a rope. I'm not sure which rope. I don't think it is THE rope, but it is something.

"I have told H this and he likes the new me better anyways. Your W needs to embrace the new you as well. Hopefully she will come to her senses and not make things worse than they already are"
I was hoping that W would like the new me better, and she does like parts. The part of me that helps out a LOT more around the house than I used to and the part of me that has kicked a lot of the silly fears I used to have. But I know she is still very uncomfortable about the much more outgoing sexual nature that I have. That much I can glean from her reactions. I guess I can understand that response, I just hope it doesn't last forever.

"But, she needs to LEARN from it herself if things in the M are to get better. Only time will tell."
That is the key for sure. I am really hoping that the W will join me in doing some relationship building "exercises", whether they be things the C suggests, or SSM, or Marriage Builders, or Relationship Rescue or something.

As far as the rest of your responses, I'll have to admit that I am mostly just confused. Somehow I've got to get her to talk, even if it means she tells me she has lost all respect for me, hates me, will never feel affection for me, or is just having a hard time and wants to make things work but doesn't know how. Communication is what is missing.

I hear your words and they do make some sense to me. But the question I have is what is my strategy? Wait for her to get the anger out of her system? Try to prod her into releasing her anger? How do I encourage her to communicate? How do I recognize a period of her just working through her anger versus her waiting for me to take some initiative. I hope I am making myself clear. I'm a bit confused by all of this right now.

Although what you say is hard for me to hear, I do see some truth in it. I wish I had not reacted the way I did that night, I was probably the worst moment in my life and I handled it very poorly. I had these visions in my head of being rejected by the only two women in my life that had showed any interest in me. All this newfound confidence I had in myself as a sexual being was just shattered. I knew at one moment that I had to tell my wife what had been happening, and I knew that it could result in an even deeper rejection than just the physical side, whether that was divorce or complete emotional detachment for the rest of my marriage. And at the same time I felt an incredible amount of guilt at the hurt and pain I knew she would feel at my betrayal. I had been hiding from that guilt and it all came crashing in on me at the same time the other crushing feelings were there. I never had such a profound event happen to me, and it got the better of me.

I will say that when I approached my wife, it was of the profusely apologetic side crying out in guilt for the pain I had caused. I'm sure she saw the other part of it, but it wasn't the sole reason I was "on the floor" in my anguish. Maybe she felt equal parts disgust and pity for me and just couldn't decide how to react so she just didn't show much.

I know you are not trying to be harsh. Believe me I am much harsher with myself than you could ever be. I look back on that night and the few nights afterwards with complete disgust at myself. The suicidal thoughts were completely not my normal persona, despite my low self-esteem, and I cannot believe now that I went there.

I do think your comment that you would be incredulous that I would be depressed at the loss of the OW would be a pretty common response for most people (common as in most people would do it not common as in "low grade"). I think most people would have a hard time empathizing with that sort of depression, because most people would identify me as being the "bad guy." You are not supposed to feel sorry for the bad guy, he is the one who has been doing wrong and he should either be sorry for what he did or be punished for it or both. But I felt the loss of the R with the OW the same as the death of a best friend, I don't know how else to explain it. The guilt I had over my actions just can't erase those feelings of loss. Remember also, that at the time her email to me did not explain what had truly happened. All I saw was her basically telling me to get lost, that I was bad for her. So this wasn't just a mutual decision that we were doing a bad thing, it felt like a personal rejection of me by someone who I thought I could trust, someone to whom I had bared my soul. I hope you can understand at least that part of it and not think poorly of me for my reaction. I know I did a bad thing, but I hope you won't see me as a "bad guy."

Most of the time I do hide my tears from my wife, especially the ones that still come periodically from my depression. I do want her to think of me as a strong man and try to rebuild our trust. I don't ever want to manipulate her with my tears, or for her to even for a moment think that is what I am doing. Frankly, I hate for people to see me cry. I even held back during the C sessions even though it was really hard at times. The only reason I admit it to you all is because this is anonymous, and I feel that when I am honest with you, you can help me the best.

I think knowing that the OW is working on her marriage and that things seem to be going well for them helps me stay disconnected from her. If I thought that her husband was abusing her like he did in the past or if that abuse was now worse, I would be sorely tempted to try to help.

D2^2 were fun tonight. They both gave me a big hug when I came home and tried to sing along with me when I read their story to put them to bed (we have a sing along Elmo book that they love). Did I mention I love to sing? S<1 was a bit fussy and pooped a lot, but he is sleeping now, much to the delight of my worn-out W. Thanks for asking.

Intereasting conversation going on here. LFL I like what you post about feelings and not going back to the old you. It is helping me with some things I am working on.

Glob, I once heard about a a space-based interferometer? if that is the correct term, in orbit out past Jupiter. That sounds like it might take lots of $$$$ with lots of zeros. Also what are the technical limitations.

I watched a science program about an Optical Astronomy Observatory in the Andes (Two 6.5 Meter Telescopes) at Las Campanas Observatory??

What quality of images do they produce compared to Hubble or the proposed equipment in orbit past Jupiter? Web sites appreciated but not necessary. i see you spend a lot of time replying to posts so I don't expect you to do anything lengthy. I Googled interferometer Juiter but did not come up with information about the proposed equipment in orbit some day.

About your situation and replys.
Sorry to see you in the situation. Like LFL said, waiting a year is too long. But you know what you can or can't do. I am not there, you are.

Lou

Thanks for sticking up for me LFL. What are friends for? Glad to know you've got my back. I wish I had friends like you IRL.

But I think there probably was some truth in what Chrissy said. It is very hard for me to hear it for sure, and if I was still feeling suicidal it would probably have been dangerous for her to say, but I am ok now. I don't think she meant it to come across as a scathing indictment of me. At least I hope not?!?!

I don't mind re-hashing it for you. Thanks for the implied offer of help.

No, the W really doesn't want to talk about it, nor much of anything else really. I am telling myself (and hoping) that it is just being tired from all the newborn baby work. It makes sense that being tired she wouldn't want to talk about sensitive issues. I'm sure I still press the issue a bit too much, because I am such an impatient person. I hope I am not digging a deeper hole by not being patient.

She has only asked a few questions, and there was actually one tonight. On Cobra's advice I apologized again for what I did and asked for her forgiveness. She said she forgives me, but isn't happy about it. There was a pause for a few minutes, and then she asked me a question about our professional interaction. I told her it was still there, but it had greatly diminished to what was necessary to complete the work the group she and I are in had started. She didn't say anything in response, but that may have been due to an extraordinarily loud poop that erupted from S<1 just at that moment.

I told her the night that OW broke it off with me. You may think initially that it was out of self-preservation, but it really was a combination of depression and guilt crashing in on me. Her reaction was very muted to say the least. She basically said she was unhappy about it but she forgave me. She asked a few questions about her, but nothing about details of the EA. I keep waiting for the ball to drop, but it never has. I'm convinced that the pressures of a newborn are affecting her ability to deal with it, but her reaction is still disconcerting to say the least. Granted, what little affection she was showing me did diminish a bit, but it was hardly noticeable. We had already stopped having sex due to the pregnancy and nursing so that wasn't a response.

Any thoughts you might have or additional questions are welcome. Even if they are harsh.

I think most women (or men) would be pretty upset at first hearing that their SO was involved in an EA. I would think that hearing a confession would be easier than finding it out by some other means, but I'm sure it would cause ire nonetheless.

About the counseling sessions--I was always amazed at the things that would come out at our joint counseling sessions, like ILYBNILWY, and that he was still involved with Ow. Does your wife go to individual counseling as well? I know that this really helped me. After some of the things I found out, I felt safer being open to the C during the individual sessions. The joint sessions often left me frustrated and just plain ticked off.

About not being able to wait a year--how long has your W known about the affair? It could be that her small gesture is that she's still sticking around. Do you know how hard that is? When my H woke up and decided that he wanted to come back home, he thought the change would be immediate. That I would be ready, willing and able to welcome him back home and everything would be just fine. A friend of mine told him it would be a long, uphill climb. The toughest thing he'd ever do....That was 3 months ago. He couldn't even be nice to me, let alone show me he loved me. Get that? "Show me" Not just tell me, not just say the words. He's still seeing ow, has never ended it with her. It seems to me that if he was sincere, that ending it, completely ending it with ow would be the first thing he would do.

I have to say that I am beyond the point of no return. But there are some things that would have made a difference for me. He could have ended it with OW immediately, found another job, moved us closer to our families, made himself an open book, gotten rid of the cell phones, helped out with the kids more, helped out around the house more. It would have been a long slow process, but those things would have made a difference


"Your W needs to embrace the new you as well." To her, the new you may be a reminder of the affair and the betrayal. It may be hard for her to embrace the "new you". Heck, she married the old you, right? I see the positive changes as helping around the house, helping with the kids, etc. The changes that are sexual in nature just remind her of the connection to ow, the affair. My H started taking herbal supplements, changed the way he dressed, started wearing new cologne. All those things just made me feel that the R with OW had changed him forever and he just wasn't my H anymore.