Happy Friday.....I wanted to say a few thoughts. First of all...I don't understand why I am taking all of this so hard. It has been along time now and I feel like I am just a beginner. H and I have been getting along good and they he gets these emotional mood swings. I can tell that he has not been communicating with OW for a couple weeks....she calls and texts him several times a day...pouring her heart out and doesn't understand why he is doing things like this...and that she wants him and his love so bad. I feel like this is starting to bring down H and maybe he is starting to miss her. He tries to start silly arguments and of course they are all my fault. It hasn't gotten to the point where he gets really mean but he is very distant again. If I didnt know better I would think that I have a disease that is easily spread. Are these normal events. I still don't know how to do this stuff properly....I have read the books like crazy. I can't demand a change but anything that I say he calls me a "drama queen" sometimes I don't know why....he brings on any drama. He has been going out more lately...Monday Night Football...Drag Races...hanging out with his uncle. All I said was that I would appreciate a little more time...and he says that out of seven days he goes out two or three...but this is EVERY week. His car is broken down again so when he leaves I am stuck at home because he takes my car. Last night I needed someting at 8pm and had to get Hannah all bundled up and ride my bike to the drug store. Is he running because he doesn't want to be home...(you would think that with us having my stepson he would make the time to be home with him to help do homework..etc) or maybe he needs time to think. I am not sure. Things were going pretty well...I was able to settle with it but now I feel his frusteration and I dont know what to do. Please help with suggestions(good or bad)!
BQT, I just finished reading a book titled "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Garter & Sokol, about commitmentphobes and their relationships. Now, I'm not saying necessarily that your H's a CP, but check that book out, because I found that it gives insight to a lot of what WASs do, and it may be because everyone has some degree of commitment phobia that they act out. What you've been describing is very much symptomatic of that.
For example, H's being hostile to you, and his starting baseless arguments with you that are about your "flaws", and his going out on his own, are all ways he's creating distance for himself. The more you try to get him to draw closer, the more he'll create distance.
That's what's happening with the OW from what you describe. He's apparently distanced himself from her now, and she's responding by pursuing. She's going crazy because it had seemed to her that they were so deeply connected on so many levels, that his now not wanting to be around her is unexplainable to her and she thinks it's her, and she's stepping up her pursuit by declaring her love for him, which she feels more acutely because of the pain of loss she's experiencing. IOW, she's acting like the typical LBS. But you know that behavior will continue to push him away.
He probably is missing her somewhat, for when the distancer/CP is out of the relationship, their phobias are no longer being triggered by that person, so they tend to reflect on the things they liked. But more accurate is to say that they are always carrying a conflict within themselves, always doubting if they're doing the right thing or not, always on a fence. He's that way with her, he's that way with you.
You have two real options only. The first is to end it with him. Totally. Free yourself.
The second option is to deal with this personality by distancing yourself and staying distant, dropping the rope completely, not drawing close to him, not planning to do things with him, living your own life, no ML, no "ILYs", no incluing him in anything you do... and all that will have him likely draw close to you again, but be aware you're still dealing with the same man with the same issues, so if you respond to his drawing close by you drawing close, seeking intimacy, he'll only distance himself again. When he draws close though, you can start pointing out these phobias of his, asking him to reflect on why he has this problem, and hopefully, since he's probably aware that he has some issues, he'll seek to do some work on himself. If he does not, just end the relationship for your own sake, move on. You'll find a better love.
BQT - I have no advice as I don't really understand your H at all. I worry that he is using you at the moment as you have a car and he doesn't he has a baby sitter for his S, its all rather perfect as he can come and go when he wants and leave you stranded.
What if Hannah had been really sick and it was the doctor's or hospital you needed to get her to, what would happen then. I think it is wrong you having to bundle up Hannah at night and take her in the cold to the shops on your bike. He could ride the bike to where he is going or catch a lift. It is your car and you should say if it is to be left at home.
Anyway that is just my opinion although I think NYS shows you a good point. You do what you need to do to make yourself happy......KDU
Well, I agree with needing to do things for myself and getting myself happy. H is back to his mean ways towards me ...trying to find fault in anything that I do...even the way I made a sandwich. He is back to going to the bar at least three days a week coming to the house between 12 midnight and 4 in the morning.
I was speaking to my cousin who is like my best friend and she says exactly what all of you say too. She also said that she is sick of seeing me try so hard and not getting anything in return. She said that she likes my H but that he is and a$$. I was also told that if I can leave this marriage behind she thinks that I will be suprised that one day a man will treat me wonderful and give me compliments...I just dont know what I would do.
I was hoping to try and make it through the holidays but it doesn't look like it is going to happen. I want to be happy next year...I want Hannah to know that life is Wonderful. Although Hannah does not see us argue..I am sure that she sense it.
I know that I am a great person and that I deserve better but I just need to start working on my strengths to be able to do something about it. I need to realize that I am not the failure in this relationship and that I have given my all. This is one rollercoaster that I am getting sick of riding on. Why am I so afraid to do anything about it.
Questions I ask myself although I know that I will never know the answers.... 1)Why did he have a change for the worse...(getting mean...never like that before) 2)Why did he have the affair...
Why do I love someone so much and sacraficing my heart for him.
H is back to his mean ways towards me ...trying to find fault in anything that I do...even the way I made a sandwich.
You've no doubt been trying to draw close, in response, he's trying to create distance in your relationship. He's picking on things that are non-essential. There are many ways to make a sandwich. How someone makes a sandwich does not a relationship make, right?
He is back to going to the bar at least three days a week coming to the house between 12 midnight and 4 in the morning.
Again, this is part of his creating distance in your relationship.
if I can leave this marriage behind she thinks that I will be suprised that one day a man will treat me wonderful
That a better love is out there for you is entirely true.
I need to realize that I am not the failure in this relationship and that I have given my all.
You already have that realization. Now the thing to do is act on it.
Why am I so afraid to do anything about it.
That's the key. You fear something(s). What are those fears? Fear of being alone? Fear of facing an uncertain future? Fear of never being loved again?
All those fears are without foundation. Examine them; see why those fears are baseless.
What do you have now? Nothing. You don't have a real relationship. You have a struggle. You're not being loved. You have therefore nothing to lose by moving forward.
Questions I ask myself although I know that I will never know the answers....
1)Why did he have a change for the worse...(getting mean...never like that before)
2)Why did he have the affair...
Gee, I hate to sound like a broken record, but do read "She's Scared, He's Scared". I've been touting that book because it really helped me understand what's going on and that in itself has helped my healing.
The short answer is that your H is acting like the classic active commitment-phobe. As he struggles with his commitment issues, he feels more and more the anxiety of being in the relationship with you, so he creates more and more distance. As he does, your response is to try and draw closer or have him draw closer, and that steps up his anxiety. In turn, he escalates the behavior designed to drive you away and pin you up against the wall so that you break the relationship. He doesn't want to break the relationship because that will add more guilt and pain to him. It's easier to have you break it so that he can blame you for it.
So he steps up his bizarre behavior by being hostile. By picking on "flaws" of yours that have been there all the time (like how you make a sandwich), because it's not anything you really need to change, it's really just him picking on anything and magnifying it. Change the way you make a sandwich, and he'll still find fault, guaranteed.
So he stays out all night. So he has an affair. He just escalates his behavior until you won't put up with it anymore.
What's next? More! Even uglier behavior. Meaner. More abusive. If you don't get out of the relationship, push will come to shove, there will finally come either a major confrontation between you two (and of which, when you tell him to get out, he's going to point his finger at you and say, "See? You don't love me!" or some such take, essentially, blaming it on you. Reminds me of when my WAW admitted she had broken her promise never to contact the OM again, and told me she had started to see him. Now I understand she was telling me this in order for me to break the relationship. And I did that very day, by kicking her out. Do you know she told people that by doing that, I was therefore being "hostile" to her? After she admitted breaking her promises to me, being unfaithful and starting up an affair, that my response to that was a hostile act to her? ) or he's just going to vanish when he reaches his breaking point, leaving you dazed and wondering "WTF happened?"
There is not chance of working through this by detaching again?
I do agree with you completely....I do want it to work but you are right I am starting to feel like he wants to find fault so that I get so fed up that I end things and then I am the "bad one".
There is not chance of working through this by detaching again?
Not only detaching, but distancing yourself. You have to outdistance the distancer. That means dropping the rope completely. It means not involving him in your life at all. That means not being affectionate to him, not making love to him, not saying "ILY", not planning your days according to his schedule. It means you living your own life, never taking him into account. It means doing everything without him, not inviting him into your life to participate at all.
And if he draws close in response, it means you having to stay distant, always distancing yourself, never drawing close. Then he may draw closer when he internally realizes the shift that causes him to feel differently about what he wants. And only then are you in a position to point out where he needs help. But then, it's still a guess as to if he'll 1. see it and 2. get the help he needs and 3. make the changes.
In the meantime, you will not ever have the true intimacy you seek.
Do otherwise, and this is a perpetual dance you'll be locked into, just as you have been, never going nowhere but down - till it ends ugly and abruptly.
BQT - Listen to our beloved NYS. Especially the part about what do YOU want?
I know you want to be loved. So maybe consider stop wasting time with a man who chooses to withhold love. Open the door to a man who is capable of offering you what you need (and deserve).
And if you find such a man, does he have a brother for me?
BQT - It is that rotten rollercoaster again isn't it. NYS has given you great advice but until you truly want to believe it nothing will change. That is not having a go at you by no means as it is a journey we all must make and we all take different amounts of time to come to that realisation.
Can I suggest you drop by YoYo's thread there is a very long post from Debcb that is worth the read. Make sure you make a cuppa and have a good 10-15 mins but have a read and see what you think, especially when you couple it with NYS advice......Goodluck.....KDU
Again, listen to NYS's advice. You need to detach and distance. It will help you in the end to regain your self esteem and self worth in all of this. You do deserve to be loved. You deserve the best in life. And it is time for you to go out and find it. You can do it. It will be scary at first, very scary, but then it does get easier. And you'll have lots of support here on the BB and I'm sure from family and friends. It's time for you to decide what's best for you and Hannah. Think about it long and hard. Then do what you need to do. My thoughts are with you...
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
