I'm glad you started another thread because you had written:
"Tell me if I am wrong but I feel that if he really loves me then he would be nice and when I finally started crying out of frustration that he would do anything to comfort me and not be extremely rude and mean to me. "
and I wanted to respond:
That's right, and based on what else he's doing that you've written about, I'd say you really need to forget about him for your own sake and move on.
So glad you started a new post. I will tell you what worked for me when my sitch was similar to yours. It might not be what you need to do, but hopefully it will help you make a decision.
I too was so scared when I realized my H had reignited his A. He had swore it was over and was telling me he loved me. When I asked for reassurance he would tell me contact was minimal and then made me feel guilty for questioning him. But he was LYING AGAIN and telling me what I wanted to hear so he could have his cake and eat it too. When I found the text messages that he was seeing her again, it just about destroyed me. I came so close to having an emotional breakdown. I was so scared of everything - losing him, starting out own my own, what to say to the kids, and so much more. But I took the leap of faith and started detaching. At first it was hard, but then it became easier. I started to focus on me and dropped the obsession with H and the OW. I am still a work in progress but I feel an inner peace that I haven't felt in almost a year. I'm healing myself. I have decided that if we ever do try to reconcile our M, I need to do my internal healing first. So that is where I am.
Don't allow your H's actions (which you can't control) to bring you to the brink of a breakdown. It is so hard but you need to detach and focus on yourself and your daughter. It is difficult but it wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. Take a step back. Start to heal yourself. And then take stock. Big decisions about the future of your M don't have to be made today. Take some time, heal yourself, and then re-evaluate. I hope that I have made some sense. I'm just worried about you right now - I know you are in a fragile place - I've been there! Please take care...
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
But I took the leap of faith and started detaching.
WCB... in light of your recent very successful date with your H, can you please explain what detachment meant for you? In practical terms? What did you *do* differently? I understand the mindset of detachment, but wonder sometimes how to turn it into action. What worked for you? What had the greatest impact? I'm sure it would benefit a lot of people here in addition to BQT and me.
BQT, you are such a sweetie and are getting good advice here. You are completely allowed to be a mess here (thank heavens!) and never need apologize. Got it? Listen to these wise people.
Saw your post earlier but wanted to think about it before I started my lengthy post (sorry for the hijack BQT!).
can you please explain what detachment meant for you? In practical terms? What did you *do* differently?
I guess what I have realized is that there are different types of detachment. And different levels within each type. You still with me? I'll try to explain each.
First is physical detachment. This is where you separate yourself from your S. In the sense where you aren't in each others presence. Even if you are in the same house, you can be in different rooms. Or, like you and me, our S lives somewhere else. For me, the physical separation has been useful in getting rid of reminders around the house. I don't see him all the time therefore I don't think about him all the time.
The second is a verbal detachment. You don't communicate as much with your spouse. The whole mysterious thing! I pretty much stick with the topics of kids and work. This is where you avoid R talk.
Third is emotional detachment. This is probably the hardest. And the one, at least in my case, that has helped me cope the best. I am truly trying to let go of my obsession with the OW and their relationship. I spent the last 10 months wondering how much he talked to her on the phone. How many text messages he sent her. How many times they met for lunch. Was he at her place. How much sex were they having. And on and on. It got to the point that it was on my brain almost every minute of every waking hour. And it took such a toll on me. I kept comparing myself to her. Trying to figure out what I needed to do to be better than her. Sexier, prettier, a better conversationist, whatever. I was trying to be everything but me! And I lost me along the way. Big time.
So when I decided to really detach, I did all three. I asked him to move out, I talked to him much less (but was always cordial and nice, never mean or demeaning), and I really did the emotional detachment. I no longer wonder what he is doing with OW. And I really don't care. I figure he probably spends every available moment he can with her. Fine. I'm not concerned about it anymore. I can't control that.
So I focus on me. I started working - probably the best thing I've done. It is so nice to have people tell me that I'm doing such a good job and that they enjoy having me working there. I have spent the last five years having H tell me that I was fat, a slob, and basically couldn't do anything very well. Lost alot of self esteem. It was like no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. I'm probably making it sound worse than it really was, but my LL is WOA and I got none of that while being a stay-home mom. It was tough. I guess I'm really reflecting back on me. What do I want. What are my needs. What do I want out of my M or any relationship for that matter. It was amazing when I really shifted my focus from H to me, I started seeing him change. The Beth he originally fell in love with was coming back. Not the one I had changed into trying to please everyone but really not going anywhere. I lost myself. Now I'm finding her.
I guess I would say that for me, detaching emotionally, especially from the A and the OW, has been the big difference for me now. I hope you see that by allowing yourself to get so upset about what H is doing that you are not allowing yourself to move forward. Your ASSumptions are holding you back. I think that once you get back to work and find the praise and affirmation that you need there that you might find this level of detachment easier to do. Between work and angelbabies your mind will be occupied most of the day and Rob will just be another thing you'll think about when you have a second but then will move on cause you have 20 million other things to do!
Hope I haven't rambled too much here and that I have helped you understand what I've been doing.
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
I too am a work in progress with detaching and just a beginner but I have to say the less contact with H the better for my PMA as it doesn't seem that I think about him as much. I also try to keep busy.
I do not ring or contact H at all and ya know what that means he rings me every day now or every other day. I let him say whatever and then pretty much end the conversation.
I am being a good friend to him even though it is very hard for me and I have to admit especially lately I do keep thinking we may make it work if he ever sees the light. But I am trying so hard to get on with my life with or without him for me and the kids.
But can I say my H the other day said to me, you seem to be your old self lately. I asked what he meant and he said you just seem more confident, more strong and as though you are getting on with things. I said I agreed that was what I was doing but I was doing it for me. He said that is what I said to you ages ago - be yourself and look after you as that is the person I fell in love with. I then changed the subject as I didn't know what to make of that but at least it made me realise what he meant when he said be yourself.
I think if you were a confidant strong person before when they met you, you have to go back to being that person again and being comfortable with it. We also know that we have a better understanding of R's now so that has got to only compliment our strong side as we know have true compassion for our spouse's.
As I said I am still a work in progress but that is my thoughts at least this week, so hope it helps a little.... Keep strong BQT....KDU
It's been a while. I only have one bit of advice for you...
RUN!!!
Michelle, ask yourself why do you want this guy? Why do you love him? Seriously, I'm on your side and I want you to be happy, but I can't see any scenario in which you are both 1) with him and 2) HAPPY! It's been at least 6 months that I've been following your (or)deal. In that 6 months, I have not seen ONE thing from him that shows you any speck of respect, love, admiration or caring.
I don't know what's going on in his head. You've said that you can't imagine what's going on in his head. Maybe we'll never know. What I think I do know is that you are young, attractive, have a great little girl, and a good job. That sounds like a decent combo to me for someone to have a life without putting up with a ration of sh*t they don't deserve.
I hope you don't get angry but every time you let him back into the house (into your life) and you listen to him say "everything's going to be OK", you just set yourself up to be knocked down again. I don't think you like being a bowling pin, nobody would.
Dammit Michelle, in my opinion, this dude's nothing but more trouble and more heartache.
Detach. LEGALLY!!
Let OW begin to be on the receiveing end of his verbal and physical bullsh*t. No more for you...GOT IT??
It saddens me to read about the unnecessary abuse you are enduring by your H... As I have been following your situation for some time now, it seems that you have been dealing with both physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.
I want you to know that there are many people here on this BB who are very worried about you, as well as the safety of your precious little girl.
My sister has worked with women who have been abused and I have learned a great deal from her... I wanted to share with you some very important things about abuse...
When your H chooses to "emotionally abuse" you (calling you a "psycho" or a "c*nt"), he is doing so in order to control your feelings or thoughts... to gain power of you.
There are actually many victims of abuse who say they feel that the emotional and verbal is even worse than the physical abuse. I see so many examples of emotional abuse that your H has put you through...
*Put downs/Calling names/Telling you that you are stupid or ugly
*Frequently cursing or yelling at you
*Threatening or intimidating you
*Frequently criticizing you (the way you look, etc.)
*Lying or cheating
*Playing mind games or making you think you're crazy
*Putting responsibility for his behavior onto you
BLONDEQT... I think deep down you know that you are being mistreated and even abused by your H, and perhaps you are choosing to stay in the marriage for a number of reasons...
After all, it is not easy to end a relationship, even a hurtful one.
I am sure that you do love your H, and there might be times when he is still very loving to you.
I am sure you have many memories of happy times, and you hope those times will return.
It am sure it is very painful to admit that someone you love would hurt you, so perhaps you are trying to convince yourself it is not really that bad.
I am sure there have been times when your H has blamed you for his abusive behavior- saying that you made him angry, or that you did something to deserve it... Perhaps a part of you believes this?
You may even feel panic at the thought of being without your H or being alone, or that you feel like you will never be able to be happy again.
Basically, whatever your reasons are for staying in this abusive relationship, those reasons are probably very real and very important to you. However, it is also important to look at both sides of the situation. Most likely, most of your reasons are based on fear.
BQT... No one can argue with the way you feel. Your love is real and you can not ignore the fact that you love him.
But, loving someone does not always mean they are healthy for you. I hope you know that you are NOT the cause of the abuse, so nothing you do or change about your behavior will end the abuse. Often, the only way to stop the abuse is to end the relationship.
I am sure that the idea of being happy without your H may seem impossible now, but please remember that YOU ARE A PERSON WHO DESERVES TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT!!!
There are many men out there who do not abuse....
You are a strong woman who has endured a great deal and while the idea of being alone is scary, you CAN live without an abusive relationship.
I am sure that you are well aware of the fact that witnessing abuse is EXTREMELY psychologically damaging to children. Although you may believe it is best for your daughter to have two parents who are together, a child is much better off living with one non-violent parent, than with two parents in an abusive relationship. I am sure that you can work out a way for your daughter to see her father in a safe setting. It is a fact that 50% of men who frequently abuse their wives also frequently abuse their children. A child who lives in a family where there is physical/emotional abuse is much more likely to be abused themselves.
BQT... I know that you love your daughter with all of your heart, but what message are you showing this little girl by staying with a man who mistreats you?
Your friends and family are probably more willing than you think to help you if you want to end this abusive relationship--- you may even have to develop new supportive relationships. A good place to start is with a support group where you will meet other women who have been in abusive relationships.
I truly hope that this post has not offended you, as that was not my intention at all. I am simply worried about you and your little girl.
Please take the time to really listen here, BQT...
You deserve so much better.... I think you know that...
Thinking of you, -KIM
BQT - Where are you, I hope you are O.K. Alot of people have posted here to you and all with good intentions and only your welfare and your childs so I hope you haven't taken offence to anything that has been said.
You should know everyone speaks honestly and openly on these boards but all is said with everyone's best intentions. Now even if you have backslid or done something with H you don't think others will agree with that doesn't matter as you can only do what is right for you so come back and post and hopefully it will be b/c you have been out there GALing that you haven't posted. Just let us know you are O.K......KDU
