Its Honey pot, not pity pot, get off there. your life and your M arent over a by a long shot, You have a lot of great things in your life, Sh!t I detest living in a Large City, its hell on earth for me, and listening to you all go on about your gardens, and back 40, etc gets me jonesing. Ahhh. Soon.
Anyways you guys are really close, 4 isnt that big a stretch from 2.
I'm not all that turned on by a man who has to remember to schedule
understood, but Everything he does is for you and kids. His life revolves around that, so anything that threatens his ability to take care of it-- are going to stress him.
GEL'S H comments were right on for most... I cant think of one who isnt ..... all guys. We often put so much emphasis on the provider, that we forget its really the EC. Some ladies do the same, in a different way, they put so much empahasis on there looks, and they are so nervous, when we much prefer a woman who is confidant and Comfortable in her skin. Not saying any HDW here is like that. Simmer down.
Raising hand, yep I did it. I KNOW KNOW KNOW, and I was still guilty of it. We are dumb. Help us out. See if there is a "Different way" that you can commnicate this. Actions speak Loudest.
Just popped in to catch up on the goings on in your life. Sounds like things are getting much better on alot of levels. That is great.
You keep saying the H has symptoms of thyroid problems. Well your hair loss could be your thyroid also. Which I am sure you are well aware of. So it is a good thing you are still getting yourself checked out.
Your job choice is awesome. Other then my own I have been in the delivery with two other people as a bystander mind you. And it was the greatest experience watching someone give birth. You get to see things from a total different view then you do when it is you on that table. Again awesome choice.
Quote: I realize that I have a lot of growing up to do and flat out acceptance of who he is and what he's about. He's a great guy and I will choose to be in love with him, lower sex drive and all. It's just that, in doing so, I will be giving up something that I dearly wanted to have in my life and I need time to grieve that.
This could hopefully be the roughest part of your marriage that you go thru. I see a lot of great things happening, in a set of circumstances that could have easily spiralled down. Of the 4 negatives you posted honey, only 2 are that big a deal, IMO of course.
Your comment about acceptance of who he is.. I understand what you are saying, but I thought that is what both parties stated they were doing at the alter. You have done a lot of growing. You are in the forest trying to look at the trees, but I think everyone here watching would agree with me.
It is far to early to be grieving. Your sex life is not DOA, not even close. There is way to much good here to be grieving. Your glass is half or more full, and you have a H who is putting in effort. His recent attitude change in dealing with you is remarkable. Frankly, I am blown away by it. Two thumbs up from me, Mr. HP.
Hence my light hearted remark, Lil. If it was rude HP will be along shortly to hand me a verbal beating for hurting her feelings, but your defense of her was a sensitive gesture.
I understand about the book thing. I am rather peeved that my H refuses (in a passive way) to touch any one of the zillion R books or the two or three sex books I have on my book shelf though I have pointed him that direction MANY times. I am beginning to think it is a power/independence thing. "Get off my case. I will do it when or if I am good and ready."
About the hair loss. I also have terrible amounts of hair loss. My thyroid is normal. I don't have any bald patches but my hair has gotten a lot thinner than it used to be. Saw the dermatologist - says hormones can continue to affect the hair loss issue as long as you are breastfeeding etc...
Quote: I understand what you are saying, but I thought that is what both parties stated they were doing at the alter.
The faults that I was accepting at the altar are in NO way the faults that I am having to come to terms with now. MrH is night and day from what he was 10 years ago. If you think that is not a difficult thing to undergo--watch your spouse transform themselves in front of your very eyes and then have to find a way to fall in love with the NEW guy--you've got another think comin.
I always wanted--no, expected , if you wanna know the awful truth--a man who desired me and showed that.
I will not have that in my life as long as I am married to MrH. Even now, when he is worried that I'm going to walk out the door, his shows of desire are very very small. He is not a groper or a twinkle in the eye guy, or adventurous or lusty. He is very in control of himself, at all times. You might think this is a good quality, blackfoot, but I can tell you that women are bored by this.
So that is what I am grieving.
However, MrH is stable, reliable, funny, generous, giving, helpful, kind, nurturing to our kids, strong, courageous, and faith-filled. That's a pretty good list! So it's not all bad.
But my point is that looking on the ol' bright side does in no way help the grief go away. It's still there. It's a fcuking bummer but it's not the end of the world. I'd still choose him.
Last night I dreamt a woman called me up, out of the blue, and confessed that she and MrH were in the midst of an affair, that hadn't yet turned physical. I was blown away. As MrH was tucking me in this morning before he left, I whispered to him, Cheater. He said, Good night honey. LOL
I have worried about a lot of things in my life but MrH cheating on me is not one of them. I think he'd be the last candidate for that. Firstly, his moral and religious beliefs are too strong to even dip a toe in that temptation and secondly, he's been head over heels in love with me since we met and I've always felt his devotion, even if it wasn't demonstrated physically or verbally.
I will probably stop nursing in 2-3 months or so and will eagerly await the cessation of female balding, lol.
It is not bad enough for friends and family to notice, they probably just think I'm having a bad hair day, but sheesh, my own family has HAD it. My hair is all over everything all the time, constantly.
The other two times I breastfed, my hair and hormones were fine. I just have not been the same since BabyPot was born, one year ago. Yes that's right people, BP will be one on Monday!
I've had some thoughts about your problem with your H not reading SSM.
Here goes... FWIW...My H doesn't like to read...period. When he tries to read something he's interested in he can't read more than a page at a time before putting it down. Some people simply aren't readers....and for those of us who are, that can be frustrating. My H also hasn't even cracked the seal on the CD of SSM I bought him...thinking it would make things easier for him. Personally, I think if you photocopied portions of the book for your H in manageable portions...he still wouldn't read them.
For my H I think it was more of a "I don't need no stinkin book to tell me what I need to do!" type of resistance, with him I think he felt that if he had to read a book about how to have a R with me...it would mean he wasn't smart enough to figure it out on his own. It's the same mentality my mom had when my Dad asked her to see a C with him, in her own words (since she told me this herself) "I don't need anyone telling me how to live MY life!"
I think it's really important (and this wasn't easy for me at all!) for us as the "fixers" in our R's to let go of some things....and an expectation of someone reading a book that we found really helpful can be one of them. I've found that, for me, when I had this desire (if you want to call it that) for my H to read SSM...I went out of my way to buy the CD to make things easier on him and it came across as pressure to him, no matter how subtle I was about it.
For the longest time I couldn't help myself I really felt like "if you'd just read the damned book you'd get it!"...but the fact is, he got it eventually without reading the book and your H seems to be getting it too, isn't that really what's important?
I think for some of us the book and wanting our SO to read it becomes a symbol for the problems we've experienced. The book still sits there unopened and unread by the other person, so it remains a point of contention. "This is something I need you to do, I've asked you to do it, but you won't do it." Sorry, Michelle....but Honeypot get rid of the book...donate it to the library. Get it out of your house....stop looking at it. You've read it, you've gotten the benefit of it, you've used information in it that has benefitted your R....now finish with it and donate it to someone else who can use it.
Just my 2-cents again. FWIW, I'm going to give mine (and the CD) to a friend of mine who can use it, so I'm taking my own advice.
Hey Lass, You know, I've never made him reading R books a big deal...he is a big boy, he can read whatever he wants.
The difference is that HE made this heartfelt claim (that was supposed to win me back, I guess) that he was going to read this book and do x and y and z.
So I've been waiting.
And waiting.
Waiting, I suppose, to see "how serious is he? will he really do it?"
I HATE tests! I hate people who 'test' their mate and here I am, doing it to him!
For the record, I've dropped the book. I made one little bitty, teeny tiny comment (LOL) last night and that's IT. No more.
Seriously, I will not mention it again. It has taken on a significance that it never should have had in the first place.
He made these heartsick proclamations and I suppose I'm sitting back waiting for him to actually DO them. To show me that he understands, once and for all, that relationships require you to do things, not just think them and wait for a 'better time' to act upon them.
However, as you said, his behavior is changing somewhat so that is what I should be focusing on.
