Thank you for posting that positive message. It really resonates with me. While I never questioned my love for my W (until now that is) I really believe in the "the rest is just stuff" part you said and I am trying to focus on that. Like you said, it's hard but I hope worth it in the end. I really think with that attitude you will be able to make the best decisions and take things as they come. I really like what you are thinking.
Gwyn I enjoyed reading your perspective on your R with your H.
I search inside myself to see if I have any of these same feelings. I don't think I do. But, I am happy for you that you do. I hope you and your H find your way back to a wonderful marriage that works for both of you.
Thanks for the insight.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
It has been sometime since I posted but wanted to write an update. My lease is drawing to end on my apartment so a decision to go home is fast approaching. My H wants me to come home and put our lives back together. As you know, my "self talk" is to stay "positive" don't look back, look forward. It is incredible how far I've come, but now reality is knocking on my door. It's kind of crazy, but part of me wants to go home more than anything, and then there is another part of me that likes things just the way they are. I've been separated now for 10 months and it has been quite a journey. I love my husband and I want things to work out for us and I know in my heart they can be worked out, but that nagging little voice says "hold on" there is more to come. I can't quite put my finger on why I have this attitude because again, I keep my thoughts positive but like all of you, I struggle with thoughts of a better life. A life that doesn't quite take this kind of work. A life that doesn't have to keep feeding yourself all the positives and not the negatives. You see, it is a constant battle within myself and sometimes it drains every bit of my energy. I'm hoping my decision will be the right one for me. And for so long, I worried what my H would do if we didn't make it through this, but now I look at what's best for me. ME! Selfish? No, I don't think so. After all if you don't feel good about yourself, how do you expect anyone else to feel good being around you? Anyway, I think I'll be going home soon.....
It is incredible how far I've come... I've been separated now for 10 months... but now I look at what's best for me. ME! Selfish? No, I don't think so.
Hi Gwyn! I think perhaps your separation, its "alone" time, has afforded you opportunity to focus on yourself and reclaim yourself, finding your center from where you now deal with life. You've come such a long way, and I'm happy for you and proud of you.
I keep my thoughts positive but like all of you, I struggle with thoughts of a better life.
PMA doesn't erase struggles, or sadness, but as I think you know, what it does is have you choose to see the positives instead of dwelling on negatives.
A life that doesn't quite take this kind of work. A life that doesn't have to keep feeding yourself all the positives and not the negatives. You see, it is a constant battle within myself and sometimes it drains every bit of my energy. I'm hoping my decision will be the right one for me.
Such is life. In every decision, there are pros and cons. There aren't many perfect decisions, it isn't a perfect world. It may just be matter of continuing to try things and see what of those things work for you. The 'constant battle' within yourself may be a signal to find other ways to handle those inner conflicts, as it sounds that some of how you may be going about it drains your emotional energy. Have you read "Feeling Good - The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns? That may give you a handle on how to better process feelings and thoughts.
I woke up this morning in a particular sad mood. I talked with H this morning and I tried to be as loving as I could when I asked him a question about Valentines day last year. I asked him why he felt it necessary to give the OW Valentines candy when he was trying to break it off with her. He became defensive and told me he didn't care if I knew that answer and that he didn't need this. He hung up on me and cut his telephone off. I cannot understand this behavior. If it matters to me, why doesn't he want to discuss this with me? I'm again confused and back in this in the dark place. Feeling again rejected and again second guessing. Help me, please. I've took a step backwards. I'm not sorry I brought this up because it really was very heavy on my mind. Why can't he share? Need advise, please!!!!
Honey, you're going to have to let the past go sometime. At this point, what does it matter if on some date in the past he did this or that trivial thing with a person he's no longer involved with, if you've now gotten into working things out with him. It's just not that significant IMO. Significant would be 'what were the problems that influenced him to have the affair" and "what was he got from the affair that made him feel good" and even those things are better handled in structured sessions rather than randomly.
So, you had this on your mind, and maybe that's why you felt "that nagging little voice says 'hold on' there is more to come" and you've given yourself therefore a self-fulfilling prophecy. You were dwelling on it, you developed this negative feeling, and you acted on it and made it come true. Do you see that?
It's the equivalent of when, for example, one thinks, "Uh oh... I'm half an hour late for dinner, my partner's going to be furious!" So, you get home, already prepared fir the upcoming battle, and your mate says "What happened?" and you fly off the handle because of your slant. Similarly, think of how MWD wrote in her book about the time she came home from traveling and was already seeing her reunion with her H as going south, but then decided to 'act as if" and envisioned the reunion as a happy time instead, and it turned out so. It's because we change our perception to a positive one so that we don't influence ourselves to act on a negative perception, and that can influence everything around us.
You took a step backwards. You backslid. Maybe the thing to do is to take a step forward. Fowardslide now (hey, I made up a new word!). What's this really about? You bringing up the past, some little detail, makes him feel guilty, angry, the big picture is that you've been both doing well in your reconciliation and moving forward, the past can't be changed... what do YOU think is appropriate for you to do now?
I was talking to my H this morning and he really hurt my feelings. I was talking up the weekend and told him that I was looking forward to it. He went on to say that he wasn't and he would rather work than to sit around the house. Again, trying to be positive told him that it didn't matter what we did, it was good just to spend time together and he asked me "what do we do"? We just sit around looking at each other. My response to that was well, we don't have to. He kept on insinuating that work was more fun than just "hanging" around the house. What does all this mean? I really thought he would look forward to the weekend for no other reason that to spend with me. Does anyone have any advise on this? I started to think, OK, what can I do to make the weekend more enjoyable for him? I thought I could surprise him and go to a B&B, which we always enjoyed in the past, but I'm not sure that wouldn't backfire. Does anyone have any advise or insight as to why he is feeling this way?
I think maybe you should not worry so much about what pleases your H and concentrate on what you want to do... And if you H wants to join in he can... From reading your thread you are in a good position that your H wants to try again, even though he had an A. Alot of us on here including myself have H's who have had OW and are still having OW... And just will not give them up at the moment, even though they still want us in their lives... Its a tough one, but you have the knowledge that your H regrets his actions and wants amends... My advice now is dont push him away by trying too hard and coming on too strong with him... By doing this their is a risk you could push him in the wrong direction and even into changing his mind... I think you need to start puting the past to bed and concentrating on making yourself happy. Start going out and enjoying yourself without your H.. Start GALing... Dont shut your H out, but let him start to see that you are picking yourself up and that you are not as NEEDY for him as you were before... Your H also needs time and space to come to terms with what he has put you through and his guilt, He probably struggles to do this at times, but it is something he has to deal with on his own and in his own time... hope this makes sense, but you can give each other breathing space but still work on your M...
I have to turn in my 30 day notice to the apartment complex today. That means, I need to make a decision about going home. My H is wanting me to come home and I feel that's where I belong. BUT, why do I feel anxious about it? Shouldn't I feel excited?
I've been very positive for so long and now, I feel as though I'm at the end of my journey and decision time is at hand. I'm going home at the end of this month, but I'm scared to death. On the one hand, I feel this is what needs to happen to totally rebuild my M and then on the other hand, I feel as though I'm giving in to my strong moral core values and it confuses the hell out of me. I love my H, he is my very best friend, but I still have terrible moments of second guessing. I know I shouldn't do this but it still is very heavy - I was married 3 years to my H, after 1 year of M, he had a relationship with someone 20 years younger than him for 1 1/2 years, and we've been separated for almost a year. Not much of M, huh? I'm not young, 47 to be exact, and sometimes I feel as though I'm just wasting precious time. I know my H is truely sorry, remorseful, and would give anything to have not done what he did. What's going on with me? HELP, Anyone?
