Wanted to update.Things are still going well for me and H. We are planning to go visit his family in a few weeks which means we'll be the car for about 10 hours. I'm looking forward to the visit but I am a little apprehensive in spending that much time with him couped in a car. We are however, laughing and planning our future together. So I'm pretty optimistic.
I hope I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes I think I'm selling myself short by staying with him and then I think what would I look for in another mate. I can't imagine loving someone as much as I love him We really are crazy about each other so it is beyond me how we got into this mess. It's unbelievable!
I go to my C this evening. I'm almost of the opinion that I'm just about to a point where I don't need to go anymore. What do you all think?
I've not posted in a while because I've been trying to sort things out. I'm now on anti-depressants and they seem to be helping me. Things are still going very well for me and my H. We are planning our Thanksgiving festivities with the family, including my daughter who plans on spending the night with me at our home and help me cook. I was surprised that she accepted the invitation! So even that seems to working itself out.
Counseling last week did not go very well for me and my H last week. I wanted to explore what vulnerabilites caused his A and he got pretty defensive and said that we were stepping backwards. Our C said that it was very appropriate for me to want to explore this and asked him to write down five things that caused his A. My H said he would do it but thus far he hasn't. I've not brought it up to him and our next counseling session is tomorrow. We were suppose to discuss his reasons before C but we haven't so I'm a little put off that he has not taken the initiative to do this. What should I do? Should I ask him about it? Should I just wait and let the C bring it up? Any advise. I don't want to make him angry because things are going so well.
Gywn, first of all, I want to say how proud I am of you. You've come such a long way since you first posted here, and have made great strides working on your anger and inner strength. Bravo!
H doesn't want to bring up the A likely because it causes him to face his guilt and pain and he knows it will cause you pain as well, and doesn't see the need for it to be discussed. But you and your C do see the need, so let the C be the ringleader to open up those discussions. Perhaps the C can explain why it would be beneficial to your healing, and why it would also help in understanding what went wrong so as to help prevent such a thing from occurring again and make better the things that went wrong.
The only part I'm skeptical about is that H comes up with the reasons... I mean, obviously, he has to be the one to talk about it, so it's really going to depend on your and your C's ability to delve into the psyche here to explore and find the real reasons. For example, H may say that one of the reasons he got involved was because there was a damsel in distress, and as a compassionate human being, he stepped in to help. Well, that may appear as a reason, but it's superficial. It certainly illustrates the social environment in which he may get involved in an affair, but the real reason under his co-creating that social environment may be: he feels a need to fix other people's problems, or people having problems annoy him when they can't solve them, or, he feels no one can do anything right without him, or who knows what... his "rescuer" tendency would certainly be a problem to address.
Of course, just in helping other people, for whatever the motivation, one doesn't end up in an affair. So even a "reason" such as the above given needs to be discerned as to whether it's a key to "but why the affair?", not just the social environment that was conducive to the affair.
I would like to present a different perspective. He doesn't want to talk about it cuz it is hurtful to both of you. While going through the DB process, I was able to find the things I did to contribute to the problems in our M. I worked hard to change those things about myself--the number one thing--insecurity. And trying to get validation and confirmation that I was ok from my H made him crazy.
I know the A was a symptom of the problems in our M. I have never asked him what caused it. I really think I know what caused it and I know he was looking for comfort and acceptance somewhere else.
We have been back together since June now. I really don't think much about it anymore. It happened, it's in the past and I don't have a need to go over it and I know he doesn't either. Gwyn, you've got to get inside yourself and know the reasons your M had problems and that your H tried to make himself feel better with an A. And that is probably pretty much it.
For me, it was better not to go over it. Just forget it and move on.
I know now what I want and that is a happy life with my H. I'm not saying that I don't have moments of despair, but I do see some good happening with our R. I want to go home, but for some reason, my H hasn't asked me to come home for sometime now. Our last MC session he was asked to give 5 reasons why he thought he had an A. They were, my dad died and I looked at mortality, excitement, adoration, sorry I can't think of the rest. He did say however, that he has never experienced a woman being the pursuer and he thought he was protected because he was married. Anyway, my MC surmized that he was in a mid-life crisis and that he was not equipped to handle her advancements. My MC also said that he was very impressed that he was so insightful with his reasonings in the fact that he thought he was protected. It really didn't help me much but at least I believe my H will see the warning signs very clearly if the occasion should rise and if someone else should make advances.
I want to stay M, I want to grow old with my H, I want my life back and frankly, it is for the taking.
Should I approach my H about moving back home or should I wait to be invited? Need advise on this, please.
Today is not a good day for me. Nothing in particular has happened, I'm just feeling a little down. I've been so positive for weeks now, why am I feeling this way? Is this normal? I think maybe it has a lot to do with the fact that the romance seems to be lacking if not gone between me and my husband. We are more like friends. What's happening?
Hi Gwyn! Good to hear from you, you've been in my thoughts.
Today is not a good day for me. Nothing in particular has happened, I'm just feeling a little down. I've been so positive for weeks now, why am I feeling this way?
Well, maybe it's because you're human. Nobody feels positive 24/7.
Maybe it also has to do with your previous post of earlier today: "I want to stay M, I want to grow old with my H, I want my life back and frankly, it is for the taking."
Those kinds of thoughts can make someone sad. Thoughts about missing what you had, longing for it, feeling the loss of promises. You're also seeing the reality of the level of romance on your life and it's not adequate for you, so that's making you sad too.
Start thinking other thoughts instead.
Should I approach my H about moving back home or should I wait to be invited?
What does your MC suggest at this time?
I'd say, don't let your motivation be that you miss what once was, or want what may be. Deal with what you actually have, and that would be:
* you see some good happening with your R
* H hasn't asked you to come home yet
* the romance seems to be lacking if not gone
* are more like friends
Well, being good friends is not a bad thing.
So maybe things aren't quite to the point that moving back in would be in order.
I can't say what's going w/H... but if it's more romance you want, that sort of stuff can sometimes be jump started. It has to do with setting, timing and chemistry. You guys already have chemistry, so the rest is a breeze by comparison.
What are the things that speak to H's heart as being romantic and feeling that he's loved? Holding hands while strolling together? A candlelit dinner? Cuddling in front of a crackling fireplace? You baking muffins and the aroma wafting around the house? Arrange a few settings to accomplish that.
Then there's timing... H has to be somewhat open to these events. You can't force him to eat by candlelight if he insists turning the lights on. But, you know, if he goes along with the program, and you're subtle about this, not coming on like gangbusters, little by little he might start to respond back, "falling" into love.
I have to share this. Every night before dinner, I say the blessing. We hold hands during this time and right after I say "Amen", he takes my hand and kisses the back of it. Then he leans over and gives me a little kiss. When I think of this, it makes me smile. My MC asked me last night what my plans were on moving back and I told him when I amd proposed to.
NY, funny you should think of the candle lit dinner. As a matter of fact, I was planning that for this evening. We ususally go out to dinner on Friday night but I asked him to come over this evening and it is my intent to have the apt. lit by candles with some of "our" music. I'm not trying to seduce him or make him feel uncomfortable, I just want him to know that he's loved and I'm really trying to move things ahead.
Anyway, I'm gonna try.
I love you all on this board, particularly you NY. You're really special and I will pray for you and your situation. You are a friend to so many of us here.
Update. Weekend was good. The candle light dinner fell apart, he asked me to turn the lights on so I did, but did it in good spirit. He fell asleep on the couch at my apt. so I woke him up about 10:00 and asked him to come to bed which he did, so he stayed with me on Friday. Now for the bad part. At about 1:30 in the morning his cell phone rang, we both were awaken and he answered it, I overhead a woman ask if this was **** and he answered yes, then she said you don't know me and then I could not hear anything more but the call ended very quickly. I asked him about it the next morning and he said it was the wrong number but told me what the area code was. I looked up the area code and lo and behold it is from the state that the OW moved to. Later I eased into it again and I asked him about the telephone call and he told me that he thinks the same thing that I did, I asked him if he deleted the number and he said No. I answered that with well, then you still have the number, let's call it and he said it came from a "private number" no caller ID. Well, that doesn't ring true with me because he knew the area code. Cell phones don't give you the area code without the number. But I kept my cool and left the questions alone for now. He did go on to say that if it made me feel better that he would be more than happy to change his cell number. He also told me that if she does call him, that she will wish that she wouldn't have because he intends to give her a piece of his mind and he hoped that I would be present if the opportunity arises. I suppose I could not hope for any more than that but it still disturbes me that he lied about deleting the call and that it was a private number. IMHO, none of that is true. Should I bring it up again and be more thorough in my questions? How do I handle this? When we are trying to build trust, I cannot take more lying. I need some advise please.
