I have felt so positive until I talked to my D. She despises my H and wants me to move beyond him. This really upsets me because there won't be any balance. My D and S cannot stand my H. I keep trying to remind myself that if they can see me happy, then they will come to accept us getting back together. But, I also have a concern that they will not respect me. After talking with my D, I became pessimistic again, thinking she may be right - she said that my H wants what everyone else has and we're just in the "honeymoon" phase, very much like a battered wife. Any help with this one?
Your feelings changed after she introduced her opinion. So, your feelings fluctuated because your thoughts fluctuated given her influence. But the facts of your circumstances didn't change, did they?
Others don't live inside your skin. Given your circumstances, they only wholeheartedly imagine what they'd do, but were they to step into your circumstances and live it themselves, with all the thoughts and emotions that go with it, who knows what they'd really do? They're not you, and you're not them. Your kids don't like your H... is it any wonder they'll suggest ending it with him? You, on the other hand, love him. You're the one in a relationship with him, not your children.
Maybe you can recognize that your children's opinions have an influence on you, but they're only their opinions. Ask yourself: Is it healthy to bounce your life around depending on what any others may think? Ask 100 people that you trust closely, and you'll get 100 different answers. Is it realistic to take everyone's advice? Why wouldn't the same be true if you only have a couple of opinions instead?
Concerns that they won't respect you, or that they'll change their mind once they see you happy, are unnecessarily pressing on your mind. Your children do, in fact, have many reasons to respect you and have always respected you, and will not toss out all their respect simply because of what you have chosen to do regarding your own husband.
But if they don't respect your decisions in this instance, or if they don't accept what you're doing right now, the problem really is with them and not you.
If indeed it turns out that your relationship doesn't work out, you'll know it, and trust yourself that you'll do right by you. You're not a battered wife, you have many good reasons to work on your relationship, you're making improvements all the time, things remain positive for you.
To add to NYs excellent post--my S17 hates my H as well. My D21 tolerates him. Neither has really cared much for him, but my S really hates him after he had an A and left me. My S is angry that H hurt me so much. He was really angry when I let H come back. He is my child and he is protective of me. I've tried to talk to him about forgiveness and how humans make mistakes and that he may go through some of these same trials later in his life. Nothing helps--he refuses to forgive. I understand why he hates H.
Something that my C told me once--someday the kids will be off having their own life. This is my life and these are my choices. Whether they are good choices for me probably remains to be seen, but I am an adult and can make the choices. Someday they will see that even though S will probably always hate H.
I'm really sad about it, but I've accepted it. My S doesn't understand that I contributed to problems in our M--I'm his mom and I didn't do anything wrong.
So your D may always feel this way about your H too. It is your life and your choice to make. It's easy to be influenced by others. I've found that I am avoiding people who have negative things to say about my H (not my kids, of course). I'm easily influenced cuz I'm insecure. I'm not always confident that I'm making a good decision.
I understand what your are saying. I have always let other people influence my decisions. It is a weakness that I have because I too am never confident in my choices. I'm working on that as well because I've learned that I am worth something and my opinion matters.
If my M does not survive, at least I know that I will be a stronger, wiser person. I am learning patience, self control, positive thinking, and most of all learning to like myself again. If I need to, I can be independent and that in its self is liberating. (not my heart's desire, I just know that I can).
It is a weakness that I have because I too am never confident in my choices. I'm working on that as well because I've learned that I am worth something and my opinion matters.
Yes, and maybe you'd like to think about this: You make hundreds of choices every day, and have done so just about all your adult life. Some are small decisions, some are large, some in-between. I'll bet a lot of your choices throughout your life have worked out to have been rather good decisions when you look back at them, otherwise, you'd probably be locked in a straight jacket in a padded room somewhere
So I'll equally bet that, in the next two weeks or so, if you were to keep track of all your decisions about everything and anything, from what shoes to wear that day to taking care of yourself physically to whatever, you'd see a very high amount of decent decision making on your part. Once you actually understand how good you really are at it, your confidence may grow.
Update. H spent the night with me last night. We had a good dinner, went for a walk, got up this morning and watched the news while we drank our coffee. Things seemed so normal. He told me last night that "he loved me". Things are changing and for the good. All of your advise has paid off. I'm controlling myself and H is coming around. He asked me if we could change places, me live in the house and he in the apt. I started laughing and jokingly said to him that you're the one that wanted space and you have plenty of it. I'm in a one bedroom apt. and he is in 3000 sq.ft. home. That's a lot of space! He just chuckled. We really are starting to enjoy each others company right now and he even asked me if I had plans for the weekend. Here it is the front end of the week and he wants to make plans in advance. This is new!
Things are moving in a more positive direction in the R, but I still am taking my time. When I'm ready, I think, for the first time, I'll know it.
I'm still hurt beyond words but as everyone said, it isn't as intense as it was in the beginning. I am starting to heal. I feel it in my heart. I have a long way to go but I have nothing but time and I plan on using the time to my advantage.
Catching up with your thread for the first time and think I will have to read the old one to find out what has been going on, but I would like to comment on the self esteem issue.
I would like to share with you how I have overcome this problem in the hopes that this could be something that works for you too. I hope I can explain this properly, because I am definitely not as eloquent as NYS.
If I had to describe the way I felt when I was low in self-esteem, I would say that I did and said the wrong things. Then I actually began to believe that what I say and do are different from WHO I am. And who I am, or my inner essence or soul, is a gift from God. God sent a perfect human being into this world, we may not have behaved perfectly and the world is definitely not perfect, but our soul remains pure.
Nowadays I try to think before I speak or act, or most importantly react, and assess whether this action is worthy of my soul, as my soul represents to me the absolutely best I can be.
I guess this is the same as the affirmation that " I am better than this" but when I was low in self esteem, I didn't really believe it and I wasn't able to convince myself this was the case. Now I can say " I may not be worth it, (because I have not behaved perfectly) but my soul definitely is.
Hope that makes some kind of sense.
I really empathise with what you are going through and there definitely seem to be some positive signs from your H - so good luck. But you do need to work on your own issues. I would suggest that you concentrate a little less on what H is thinking and a little more on what you are thinking and doing to bring about positive change in BOTH your lives. I would... but I am sure NYS has said it better already!
A little update. My H came over for dinner last night and after dinner we were talking, about insignificant stuff, and out the blue, he asked me if I was ready to come home? I just looked at him and said, well yes, and then he said "just to let you know, I'm looking forward to it". I guess we're on the road of moving forward. I'm still cautious and still unsure of our future, but it may be worth a try.
I'm trying to put the pain behind me, it is one of the most difficult things I've ever done and I sometimes have to remind myself to let it go but I'm getting better at it.
My goal is to go home somewhere around the holidays. Although, I probably could go home right now without a problem, I still think I need to give it a little more time. Is the wrong way to think? Should I take a huge leap of faith and jump in and give a try or should I still continue to work things out within myself before I go home?
he asked me if I was ready to come home? I just looked at him and said, well yes
I'm trying to put the pain behind me
If you're still dealing with these emotions that cause you pain, perhaps you're not as ready as you'd like to be.
Also, what work have you and H done together to better your relationship during this time? Have you found ways to re-work what was problematic in the relationship before the A?
Don't be in a hurry to return, you'll have a long time to be together once you do return. Take the time now to really build for that to become a reality.
