I am going to highjack my own thread here for a moment. I have something I want to say to you. I just had to get in a place where I could with no interruptions.( Like that will happen around my house).
First off your wifes choice of song. It is not a song of ending or closure. It is a song of sorrow and confusion and remorse. Couple words like " it's funny how i feel so much yet cannot say a word we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard"
"so afraid to love you more afraid to lose clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose where once there was a darkness, a deep and endless night you gave me everything you had oh you gave me life"
With the fact your wife has been dragging her feet for months about filing for divorce. And you have a clear indication that your wife loves you. Regaurdless of where she is. And this love is not being overshadowed by anything other then her own fear and guilt.
I have read everybodys takes on what the meaning of her words. Let me go mean. Not that I need to state this to you as you know the womans mindset well. But I believe her let me go is not denial of her wrong doing. It is a desperate plea that says Fight for me and us. Don't let me go.
I really do not believe your wifes confusion is about you and the other man. I believe she creates her own by not excepting what she did and not knowing how to fix it.
x is unwilling to give me what she claims to want (and truth be said is showing with her actions)
Really what actions is that? Every thing you have posted indicate a woman who is desperately trying to hang on to something she wants. Just doing a piss poor job at it? At least on the visible front. So yes she is still in some form of a relationship with OM. Cannot be much of one though. And the reasons behind it I would believe there is a chance it could because she is scared and alone and it is more a safety net of support for her. Some people are desperately afraid of being alone.
Enough of her might be motives.
so I can move on with my conscience clear.
Really this little piece of paper is going to achieve that? Amazing I would have pegged you as a person who needs to to have a free soul and heart to move on.
Um I did how much clearer can I be than not ever contacting you for 5 months....
Now who has to much power and control. Thats the easy answer is it not? And it would be convincing if not for the fact that it is a form of detachment for the purpose of avoidence. Those words are that BF words.
HD do I have to show up? I have already wasted 9 years, I cant imaging wasting a whole days revenue for this.
Nice attempt of a cover up!
Its interesting to watch her attempts 'to get my goat' escalating.
What if she is not trying to get your goat what if she is trying to get your attention.
Have some dignity, show OM some respect, for that matter have some for yourself.
Okay in this case other man deserves no respect from either of you. And sometimes dignity is not as important as love.
Why the need for vindictive, vengeful, acts of seeming retribution?
Well there most be something more then you have posted for you to use these words. You have posted nothing that seems vindictive or vengeful. Or wait could that be a crack in BF'S exterior wall?
I expect next she will be cleaning out joint savings and my checking which has her name on it still since I placed it there before moving out of other state
Ahhh this was a give away. We all know the BF on this board would have been smarter then that. He would have opened a new account and just transferred all his funds to that account if he did not want that tie to remain intact.
I find this whole thing so sad and wasteful. Its been 17 months now. Think how much can be accomplished in that time when energy is put towards positive goals
Very true words.
"You do not truly know someone, untill you have fought them."
Or loved them. Sorry I found the placement of these words as being in a significant place in your post.
Well BF you know I agree with alot of your reasoning to end your relationshp. As to why you would have been no longer in a place you wanted to try to work on it. But I cannot get this thought out of my head. "We only have one shot at true love in our life" Most of us muck it up somehow or never achieve it. Then we spend the rest of our lifes reliving in the memories of the short time we were at that place. Or searching so hard for it that we don't see it when it is starring us right in our faces which allows us to never find it.
I know what your pride and ego and beliefs say. What does your soul and heart say. Do they feel what your words say? Pride can be put aside for short periods of time without losing it. A heart put aside is misplaced and even if relocated it does not function as well.
I don't advocate anything your wife has done BF There should only be two people in a marriage. But I am asking you to be sure before you move on. I would hate to see you in another relaionship of three ghost don't move around quitely for long.
Please feel free to tell me how wrong and off base I am. You might need to use more then words to do so though.
SOB. Lost another to the ether. lets try again. Actually let me recant that. If put side by side and made to choose between what I wanted and I did not get or the precious things I recieved in lew of this. I would be right here were I am now
This is very powerful. and your H is a large part of it. So while attraction bends us to its will as evidenced by the many stupid 'choices' we make, loving with hope and forgiveness while seeing the negatives clearly is trully powerful and a real choice.
Something about jealousy that some understand some don't. And yeah this will be one of those things that others don't agree with me on.
I am going to state my position on this now. Ive elicited comments from others not to help me make up my mind, just generate thoughts in others.
Biologically, I completely agree with you and Lil's comments. unequivocally. If there is no better choice, if you are at your best, your SO will not look anywhere else. Even when you lapse for a short bit. But biology is hugely selfish. It only cares about propagating. and a person cannot become so lackadasical, or feel so superior, that they feel it can be endlessly tested. intentionally or unintentionally. because in truth we may be better, but that one thing, the something different, variety, unpredictability will come in. and hence I agree with HP that it needs to be protected. my (personal) ethics, morality, whatever you want to call it is very strong. I set down my beliefs along time ago and do not allow my feelings to change them. I am ridgid and unyielding with myself in this area. I still fell (internally) for my PA. Life often throws these at us. We shouldnt make it any easier thru indifference. and becuase I believe men and women have different roles to play this D is my fault. but the cards have been dealt and the hand played.
jealousy just about ate through my soul and brought me to the bowls of hell and I will never ever ever go there again
You had no control over it then, do you think you do know? I thought I did. oops. better to put small efforts into protecting and answering the twinges honestly then detaching to avoid methinks. because the stress comes out somewhere, somehow eventually. and controlled venting is much less destructive then bottled explosions. I hope you hear what I am trying to convey.
What are only the men not suppose to apolize?
Yes. only the men should not apologize. They do it way TOOOO much. and it is often a test. A womans frame is supplicating not an attractive mans. so you are acting as you want him to act and he is doing the opposite.
Your funny 1. 2. punch is exactly why men should not apologize. So your H is failing the tests in more ways then 2. Where is he? I want to smack the wuss out of him.
FEMALE DOG? ohhhh sooooo tempting.......... resist. resist. resist. ahhhhhh. cant do it.
Babe In Total Control of Herself
Its so perfect it should be framed and signed It makes me look spectacular when you play along so well.
I cannot see myself calling anybody a big stud muffin (yes this stuck with me I was howling with laughter inside just thinking about uttering these words)
Is he big? yep. Is he a stud? from your previous description. yep dont like muffin? fine chose something else. that was just a famous line from Top Gun. This is a HUGE 180 for you. Do it internally for a bit. Then start vebalizing it. You may be suprised by both you and his reactions.
I use to call my H hon all the time and he loved it until he realized I called everyone hon. Customers co-workers ect now I call him by his last name just to give him the soul ownership of a loving pet name type deal. Yeah not loving enough
Yeah I call everyone babe. x thought this was special to her for several months in the beginning. Untill one night she heard found out differently......... such theatrics over nothing. I gave her several others, though apparently my last name wasnt a favorite..... kidding, kinda.
Yes effort and trying does and should get major points, when it is done out of love. Your sneaky Takes one to catch one. I prefer astute and a keen observer of human nature though. more positive sounding.
To the best of my ability under the circumstances yes. I know it is. You are dealing with a lot internally and externally. Its impressive and I point out some of these things and offer suggestions, in the hopes it will make it easier for you.
I hope she has a decent voice. That is a hard song to carry off. she is no american idol winner, but its very decent. Its not even one of my requirements, just one of her nice bonuses.
and no I am not picky. LOL. Any contact made yet? Or are you still keeping a little out of arm reach still?
I dont contact her. except in response to some legal necessity. I did respond for one week a while back. It was enough to convince me that I shouldnt.
now for the yuckky post.
It is not a song of ending or closure. It is a song of sorrow and confusion and remorse.
I know. I know the lyrics, besides the fact it is acapella and clear she included the lyrics in the email. "they are perfect"
that your wife loves you
x has affection and attraction. not the same as love. IMO.
her own fear and guilt. I know.
I believe she creates her own by not excepting what she did and not knowing how to fix it. me too. I was hoping that she would take some responsibility and show some attempts at fixing it. all I have seen is confusion, resentment, victim, and finger pointing.
x is unwilling to give me what she claims to want (and truth be said is showing with her actions) Really what actions is that?
Divorce is merciful. Divorce is a choice. Divorce says you didnt cut it for (n) resason. Divorce says you are not acceptable to me. OK and OK. putting away (seperating) does none of these things.she is showing she wants one, by seperating, by attending coworkers wedding with OM, going to other state to visit, by filing for D. Daily contact with OM, we have talked 12? or less times in the past 5 months.
Enough of her might be motives Hey something else we agree on. ignore the words, look at the body langauge. or actions. Dont mind read. dont expect others too.
so I can move on with my conscience clear. Really this little piece of paper is going to achieve that?
my heart and soul have been released already, by her. untill I have the POP I am not free to do as I want. and the fact that this is a legal prop, from european heritage to maintain familial and asset contol is moot. Its the society I live in.
it is a form of detachment for the purpose of avoidence I expected her to cease contact with OM. I will not expect any less from myself out of respect for her new R. yes it makes it easier to move on. yes it is detaching. that is a synonym for sever. which she did. or I did by berating. finger pointing is also useless.
Nice attempt of a cover up!
puuuuhhhhh no it was pitiful. gross. I was really hurting that day. Its no excuse. the 9 years were not a waste 7 of them were fantastic IMO. apparently not enough so in hers. my withrawal symptoms from it is proof of that. I didnt/dont? believe in legal marriage but getting married was the best thing I ever did. I grew and changed a lot because of it.
We all know the BF on this board would have been smarter then that. He would have opened a new account and just transferred all his funds to that account if he did not want that tie to remain intact.
Money means nothing to me. material possesions mean nothing to me. I have furnished and walked away from 3 places in the past couple years. Its about to become 4 though I am keeping my TV this time. That tie is there for legal reasons. I exaggerated when I said she could bankrupt me. clean me out of liquid assets and seemingly indebt me untill D is final, yes. I still have to undue some equal property shareholding between OM and I. We both mentioned it, the first week, neither has done anything, though we will never have contact again. Lazy procrastinators the both of us I guess. Ive been kinda busy running around states, working, dealing with emotional blackfoot. It was tiring.
We only have one shot at true love in our life true love doesnt need to be tested, its not true untill its been tested
Or searching so hard for it that we don't see it when it is starring us right in our faces which allows us to never find it. wow I thought this was great, but not for me. I never went looking for it. I thought I had it. I didnt WA. Im not going to go looking again.
then again if you look hard and are savvy you could see some things that point to strong emotional ties between us. or maybe that is just projection, wishful thinking overactive frame control on my part. Who knows. It doesnt matter what I think, it just matters what is.
I know what your pride and ego and beliefs say.
well my beliefs are a strange collection that are based on healthy physc and idealisms, common religious (not just christian) principals, karma, E. Abbots flatlander theory, and the thought that even though I am not even a grain of sand in the universal picture, conservation of mass makes us all one. I would be suprised to find another with them. If it were my pride and ego I would have filed myself the day she told me 'I told OM I love him'. They are hurt. I am not holding back out of pride. I am holding back out of a desire for a healthy R, be it with her or another.
A heart put aside is misplaced and even if relocated it does not function as well. are you preachin to the choir or is the choir preachin? According to her I put hers aside, and she did mine also. we have not relocated it and I would not expect it to function much at all let alone well, if we did.
But I am asking you to be sure before you move on.
I am waiting. I will be sure on D day, partly because I have been waiting so long. I held back last night, and for the first time it was a internal mental order. difficult. I got caught up in the interaction instead of just observing myself in it. enough said.
I would hate to see you in another relaionship of three ghost don't move around quitely for long
True, and I wont do that. I will wait untill my head is locked down to get in another serious R. If I ever have that inclination again. Change of venue, change of job, change of associates, change of hobbies make all this easier. It removes all associative triggers. I just want the freedom to take care of myself. I was in a serious R once before, when x and I got around to talking about it in the beginning I seriously could not remember her name for a couple minutes. It took days to remember her last name, when I just sat up in bed and said it suddenly. LOL It still escapes me once in a while.
So I think you understand my sitch well, for various reasons. I have a few arguing voices in my head allready over this, and you come in with 2 dissenting voices also.
Tech-ie note: blackfoot, when you finish typing your post in the box, with your cursor still in the text, right-click and choose "select all." When the text is highlighted, right-click and select "copy." That way if it gets lost, you can simply open a new reply box and "paste." I do this often with long, carefully crafted posts that wouldn't be easy to recreate. I assume that when I hit the "continue" button the post is going to disappear, and operate from that assumption.
Actually let me recant that. If put side by side and made to choose between what I wanted and I did not get or the precious things I recieved in lew of this. I would be right here were I am now
You do realize the precious things I was talking about were my kids right?
You had no control over it then, do you think you do know?
You are right I had no control over it. That relationship was year and years ago when I was much younger. And it was based on idealistic beliefs of what love/life was. And the jealousy was brought on by a feeling that my heart and soul was being ripped out of me when in truth it was only reality slapping me. So yes I feel I have much better control now as I no longer play fancy to those idealistic beliefs.
FEMALE DOG
Omg that was cute! Do I still have to be a freakin cat I wanna be one of those other things instead! (funny I dressed up as a cat at work for Halloween)
dont like muffin Love em myself thank you
This is a HUGE 180 for you. Do it internally for a bit.
Yes this would be a huge 180 for me. I will ponder it.
Then start vebalizing it. You may be suprised by both you and his reactions.
Yes my rolling on the floor howling with laughter after making such a comment would suprise my H. Seldom do I laugh around him.
I will practice this on S14 first I guess to see if I can pull it off with a straight face. S14 and I banter like this alot already. I always tell him he is a hottie though I am usually saying it with a sarcastic meaning. He really is a cutie. But he has got a big ego!
now for the yuckky post
HEY!
Daily contact with OM,
How do you know this?
From your original post of OM. I would think the whole attraction thing would be gone on his part. The game should be over. So how do you know that she still talks to him daily.
I didnt/dont? believe in legal marriage
Oddly something we have in common. That would be why I questioned your statement about that little POP.
It doesnt matter what I think
Yes it does.
are you preachin to the choir or is the choir preachin
More then likely a little of both.
I will wait untill my head is locked down to get in another serious R.
Your head hmmm I think I was more talking about your heart being haunted not your head. You are smart enough to logic anything out BF. And you can decieve yourself to believe your head can rule your heart. But the heart really controls all. Why do you think people that are brain dead can live on with stimulation to there heart. But it does not work the other way around.
You do realize the precious things I was talking about were my kids right
Yeah I am assuming they werent immaculately conceived.... Your H is part of them yes?
So yes I feel I have much better control now as I no longer play fancy to those idealistic beliefs
funny then that there would be ghosts then, and I would be able to lock down my head, but not my heart..... you are not holding yourself to the same standard you think I will be.
Seldom do I laugh around him.
That is too bad.
I always tell him he is a hottie ..... But he has got a big ego I wonder where that came from?
How do you know this?
actually I dont know for the past 2 months. prior to that because she said something to the effect. She made a remark that made me wonder hmmm, last time we talked. If you are right, how nice for me. He is done with her now so I am second choice and get the leftovers..... thats palatable. and yes this may be pride and ego to a certain extent but to a large part the M/F dynamic is never the same when this is the case. Even Dr. Harley agrees with me on this, or vice versa, though he words it differently.
Thanks Lil, I do that most times, just when I dont that Mr. Murphy comes along of course.
you are not holding yourself to the same standard you think I will be.
Ahh no I am not and you darn well know it. And again you are trying to be sneaky! So lets be frank I never said I was over it. And no you did not finally draw that out of me. But I figured we would just stop dancing around the issue.
So now we all know what got Chrissy here. We know what the one thing she wanted was and could not have then choose not to have and why. And we know what lead her to be such a incontrol/control freak and emotionally dysfunctional/shut down.
So the big question now how to shut out the ghost and become emotionally functionable again?
Yeah this one will require you to put all your knowledge to the test here.
See so I am forwarning you not second guessing you.
Big question now. Are you up for the challenge? Because I am all out of ideas
Stop calling me that. I have no negative intentions, its not underhanded or furtive. I am astute, clever, and agile. I know you are being funny, but some here already think I am manipulative and out for some personal gain in this. If I have to spill myself all over, I am going to have some good come of it.
And no you did not finally draw that out of me hmmpff. Of course not. You wanted to. still, claiming to be incontrol does not thee put there.
I figured we would just stop dancing around the issue. Well one of them at any rate. and one that can make the most changes for you. its good, its what you have wanted.
Big question now. Are you up for the challenge? Because I am all out of ideas
No thats not the big question. because its not going to affect my life one way or another. Are YOU up for the challenge. seems so, you are here, and trying something new. so how about reviewing things that didnt work and going with maybe the opposite of those and some counter intuitive.
You have already started. Your bedroom is no longer a war zone. Wow. That is all about you. That was your choice. You wanted to stay in your R and try again to do something, even though great sex hadnt netted you positive results in the past. sex is not the cure all, but using it as a weapon will not allow him to be in a place to want to work with you, on the things he is willing to work on. Some things he wont be willing. Thats life.
Oh that reminds me of another discrepancy from you. Busted again. You said things had been a little better. and I suggested that may be from scheduling sex and forcing each other to let go of resentments. Sex does create positive feelings. Thats why women fight against it when they are mad. They want to hold on to their anger. Or detach from it to 'punish him'. and end up creating more resentment in themself when he is able to satisfy himself without her EC. Mrs. NOP brought up a similar idea somewhere.
You said nah cant be that its just sex. .. pfff I said I dont believe that and now I run across this quote from you to Lorio His outgoing personality is not personal. Sex is!
busted.
Has it toned down your H's anger?
Other things you tried that didnt work Running away. Detaching. Seeking in others.
try the things I have suggested. If your H is grabby and it irks you, grab his wrist stare him in the eye and say, "STOP. please." It has to be repeated. men are thick. we need repetition for it to sink in.
Think of a pet name to give him. Think of him this way in your head. If you want him to do some 'honey do' house task tell him you NEED him to do/ help you with it. Because he is a big strong manly hunk of burning burning love or some such thing. It can be funny if it is sincere. Will this work? dont know. But I dont think your H is lazy, he has a job and a big family he supports.
Dont just assign him a task like you do your children. We dont want a mother ordering us around.
You have been with him for 15 years, holy catfish you cant compare him with some ancient memory, of a idealized little girls perception and emotions that came with it, to this reality. Those emotions however misguided were real, those chemicals are powerful especially at that time period of life, and left a deep impression. the first cut is always the deepest.
You have had a few guys in your life, you picked up pieces of them as you went, and characteristics that you liked about men. He is his own man though and you made that choice.
Let me repeat. If put side by side and made to choose between what I wanted and I did not get or the precious things I recieved in lew of this. I would be right here were I am now This is very powerful. and your H is a large part of it. So while attraction bends us to its will as evidenced by the many stupid 'choices' we make, loving with hope and forgiveness while seeing the negatives clearly is trully powerful and a real choice.
Your H is responsible for, and a part of, the good (and bad) parts of much of where you are. Give him credit. How long were you married first time? What is your longest R?
You do not exist outside of everyone else around you. Trying has not been productive. so stop trying.
Dinner together was great idea. still doing it?
how to shut out the ghost and become emotionally functionable again? shutting out the ghost is not the way to go. embracing and accepting it is. putting it in its place and honestly saying I have these emotions for what I remember of it, but not seeking out or having contact with the reality. What you remember of it is not always accurate.
Your view will always be skewed, attraction will always control your perception in that area. and your perception was skewed, because the R did not work out. It was intense, it was powerful, it molded you, it was short. The reality of it is IMO, it was a bad R. It was a negative influence in your life. Not one positive thing came from it. Did it improve you in any way? add to the peace or lasting happiness of your life? you dont control your emotions, but you do control your perceptions, of what causes them.
another example, you said you hated H when OW was in your house. Did you hate him or did the feeling that came about because of the sitch make you so mad and fearful from past experience that you had to place it on him?
x and I failed because for some reason our R was not strong enough, our attachment to each other was not what I thought it was. Was my perception of being loved by or loving her wrong. no, and neither was her perception of loving me or being loved (not enough) by me. She wasnt right for me becuase she left. I wasnt right for her because she left. and that is all you can hold on to when the R is over.
What ifs, shoulda woulda coulda, is not accepting or dealing. Its not appreciating or accepting. You should have figured out by now too many men in the heart doesnt work well for a woman. Put your H in there and put the rest in their little individual rooms in your head.
easier said then done. Behaiving in certain ways helps immensely.
but some here already think I am manipulative and out for some personal gain in this.
Yeah helping others by giving sound and supportive advice out in cyber world is some game of manipulation and personal gain. Please who ever feels that way needs to get real.
hmmpff. Of course not. You wanted to
Well, wanted to might be a little strong. I already did this on my Dancing with my devils thread. When I listed my demons that dwell in my basement.
No thats not the big question. because its not going to affect my life one way or another
Sure it is you know it goes along with manipulating me and achieving some personal gain! lol
No thats not the big question. because its not going to affect my life one way or another
Ahh but I was aided in my efforts by the people on this BB. Gel, Honey and Lil where quite a force to be reckoned with in making me understand things of importance from another's perspective regarding my H and his needs. Had they have not so patiently spelt things out to me that I was blinded to I would still be walking around totting a huge bag of resentment in this department. Couple that with all the pain I see in peoples words on this board regarding how the lacking aspects of the sexual side of there relationship filter into all realms of this life. I realized I had complete control of changing this dynamic in my relationship. But I still lack the ability to form the EC side as of the moment. But given I am truly not a LD person I am rather HD this was not a far jump for me. It just took the ability to look outside my own box. I just basically decided to leave anger of other issues in my relationship outside my bedroom door.
Oh that reminds me of another discrepancy from you
Any time a person takes off there cloths it is personal. I believe the first conversation was relating to EC and deriving self worth and such from sexual experiences. And my stating that I do not derive such things from sex. To me what I get from sex is sex simply stated.
I also think I remember a statement from you regarding you could remember every persons name that you ever had sex with. Because it was more then just sex. Yet recently you stated that you could not recall the name of a person you were in a long term relationship with off the top of your head. Hmmm
Has it toned down your H's anger?
The sex somewhat his anger management classes somewhat.
Has it improved the quality of our relationship. It is calmer but the quality is still the same.
Do I feel safer? No, it will take a long time for me to feel safe that the slightest thing will not set him off back into old behavior. Gel says something similar that even when her H is making an effort she cannot seem to trust it. Improvement has happened before then always reverts back. Substitute how she feels about his effort to meet her needs with the words to stop reacting in anger and it pretty well sums it up.
Other things you tried that didn't work
Running away-My leaving H. No it did not work. Physical fear of my own well being brought me back. Being tired of being harassed and having others being harassed brought me back. My love for my son and fear he would stay with my H brought me back.
Detaching-In healthy doses this has worked. But it moved into unhealthy when it became my whole way of reacting. Agreed this is the hardest challenge I am facing in my life to stop automatically detaching from a situation. I know we can all change the way we respond to situations but when your way of responding is to not respond hmmm it makes it a little more complicated. I first have to catch myself shutting down or flipping the off switch before I can prevent myself from doing it.
Seeking in others-Well I am seeking advise/support from you and others here on this BB. So I guess I will have to work on that one still. You all give me something that I lack someone who puts in an effort to understand how I feel and an outlet to share how I feel. That is exactly what I got from my EA (assuming that is what you were referring to). So though the faces have changed (thanks Lil) the underlying concept remains. I am still seeking from others what my H/R does not give me.
"STOP. please." It has to be repeated. men are thick. We need repetition for it to sink in.
I had tried simple responses as such. His thickness got me to the point of physically visible cringing and avoidance of him.
I have now come to the point that I realize that this is just him. And it will not change. I can except it or continue to try to fight it. There are times that it becomes overwhelming still but more days then not I just walk around wearing my white flag.
Think of a pet name to give him
I am working on this but it will not be stud muffin or anything over the top in that way. And it may take me awhile to find one that is petting enough while not revolting to my stomach when uttered.
But I dont think your H is lazy, Really. Oh this one we don't see even close to eye to eye on. He is off fishing while I still have that dam tree lying in my yard! Or hmmm his tools laying in my driveway. And the list ohhhh could go on and on.
You have been with him for 15 years, holy catfish you cant compare him with some ancient memory, of an idealized little girls perception and emotions that came with it, to this reality.
I don't compare him as a person to the other person. I do not even compare the R to the other R consciously. One my other post when I was working through those boxes and fighting those demons. I stated it was not the person but the purity of the feelings that was so overwhelming and still haunts me. The best way I can describe this is as follows. It as if you truly love a person with all your heart. And they die unexpectedly. Though with time you move on with your life. There is always a sadness that dwells within you. A hollow spot that cannot be refilled. Yet the longing for fulfillment remains.
That is what haunts me. And by haunts I mean just that. There is always something unseen in the back of my mind that tugs at me and makes me feel sad and alone and like something is missing. I cannot control this nor will it away. Yet I cannot quit put my finger on what it is either. So it is twice as hard to sit here and put in words.
Your H is responsible for, and a part of, the good (and bad) parts of much of where you are.
Yes, my H is a large part of my conception of my kids. And while I know I could have had kids with someone else they would not be these kids that I love and care for daily. They are my world. That is why I know for fact if someone said hey I can turn back time and you can have either this that you wanted or you can have what you already have. I would be sitting her today writing this post all the same. What I wanted is nothing in comparison to my children.
How long were you married first time Four years. My daughter was born right after our second anniversary. We dated less then 6 months prior to our M. And we spent the last almost two years of our marriage separated living in two different countries. International divorces are long and drawn out.
What is your longest R
Full time this marriage. Ex-boyfriend and I had an on again off again relationship for approx. 14 years not counting the EA. The EA if needed to be counted in would take it to about 16 years .(Again I only deem it a EA for the purpose of this board.)
You do not exist outside of everyone else around you. Trying has not been productive. so stop trying.
Sorry you lost me on this one. Please define a little. It may be an interesting comment.
Dinner together was great idea. still doing it?
Urrr No. Yeah that did not work out well. I am trying to participate in this function when it is at a fairly decent time. But stumbling block. I usually only eat once a day. I get hungry around 3. If I wait until dinner time. Between 6-7 I am no longer hungry. So on weekends if everyone is home I try to cook earlier and eat with them but during the week day it did not work out well.
shutting out the ghost is not the way to go. embracing and accepting it is. putting it in its place and honestly saying I have these emotions for what I remember of it, but not seeking out or having contact with the reality. What you remember of it is not always accurate.
Again if the ghost were an actual person. I am not in love with someone else per se. There is just some uncanny lingering presence of something that will not let go.
It was intense, it was powerful, it molded you, it was short.
Not so short.
The reality of it is IMO, it was a bad R. It was a negative influence in your life. Not one positive thing came from it. Did it improve you in any way? add to the peace or lasting happiness of your life?
I would not say it was an all bad thing. It was more like a rose vine. It contained overwhelming beauty and hidden sources of pain. As does almost every thing we experience in life. Being a mother contains those exact same elements. I guess the difference is most people if pricked by a thorn pull it out and the wound heals. And in the future are careful to pick the roses and avoid the thorns. I for some dysfunctional reason choose to not remove the thorn. And have avoided rose bushes at all cost.
another example, you said you hated H when OW was in your house. Did you hate him or did the feeling that came about because of the sitch make you so mad and fearful from past experience that you had to place it on him?
No, the almost hatred that I felt for my H was already in place long before the OW entered my home. That is why I stated that at the time jealousy was not an issue because was at a place that I almost hated my H. My feelings of almost hatred had been in place for nearly two years prior to this. But had built and built and built over that time to a place where I would have cared a less if they were having rampant sex in my bed. What bothered me was the way she had no want to wipe my persona out of my house she wanted to wrap it around her as if it were hers. That was like an invasion of my soul. Sorta like your room mate mimicking the good in your relationship with your wife. Taking on your essence.
What ifs, shoulda woulda coulda, is not accepting or dealing
I really have no what ifs hanging in my closet I do have a few shoulda's myself. I should have been smarter then letting myself get to where I am.
You should have figured out by now too many men in the heart doesn't work well for a woman. Put your H in there and put the rest in their little individual rooms in your head.
What little piece of my heart that belongs to my ex as a boyfriend is really just a fond memory. I know the man he is not the boy I was in love with. The man is nothing more then a good friend I share a very unusual bond with. Again what ever the demon is that dwells in my basement evolved from the relationship but is not a person. What ever it was that caused me to shut down falls more in the category of my inability to deal with my own emotions then bad emotions brought on by another. I have to own that one myself. I loved my boyfriend no denying it but I also walked away from him every single time not the other way around. The last time for no other reason then my inability to control how I felt. Why I felt I needed to control it is really a puzzle. Maybe it was the same reason I do not like smoking pot or taking pain medicines I do not like the way it makes me feel it is disarming and sets me off balance.
All that being said my issue the one I am trying to resolve is as I stated before how to stop shutting down from emotions. How to reconnect with them. Most memories I have of emotions as you said are inaccurate. So knowing what I should be feeling and how this feels is taking me out of my element right now. It is sorta like when someone is in labor and gets an epidermal you still have pain you are just unaware of its presence to a large degree.
Have you still been snuggling up to H?
Yes, He has taken to not only snuggling but sharing his blanket.
As an example of small changes that have come to pass since coming to this board and trying to really listen to what people are saying is important and why it is.
Today I got up around 9 am H was still in bed at 11. Around 11 I walked into our room and climb back in bed and snuggled up to him. I knew that it would end up with him wanting sex. I was not disappointed. In May I would have A. completely avoided any contact with him knowing where it would lead. B. Lug my bag of its all about sex and your penis and stroking it resentment bag along for the ride. C. Or been thinking Why do you always have to ruin a loving gesture, Why can the gesture not be enough mindset ect....
Today it was just that's who and how he is except it. Which allowed me to climb into that bed and try to form some small amount of an EC without having to fight pure dread and reluctance to do so.
I recommend being a freaking cat
Ahhh well as long as I can turn into a freaky cat sometimes I won't argue about this.
Hope all is having a good day. Start my new job tomorrow so guess I should hmm do that housework that is still screaming at me. I think I need to enlist some help from HP if I am ever to get it done.
I dont know what to say. Some things I was wrong about, which is fine. Some things bother me so much I dont want to offer more R help.
But that isnt what I was really doing anyways, so I hope the physical abuse is gone and stays gone.
I just basically decided to leave anger of other issues in my relationship outside my bedroom door.
well that is a pretty strong thing to do.
you could remember every persons name that you ever had sex with. Because it was more then just sex. Yet recently you stated that you could not recall the name of a person you were in a long term relationship with off the top of your head. Hmmm
No I said everyone I ever talked to about this. And I remember her/her face when asked or its brought up, but after years of locking down my head, it took a while to recall. x will be the same. an archived memory.
Physical fear of my own well being brought me back dont know what to say, so..... nothing. I hope it ceases.
while not revolting to my stomach when uttered. When you say this it comes off as there is nothing about him that pleases you. is that true? Do you appreciate or respect any aspect of his personality, or physical attribute?
hmmm his tools laying in my driveway and what pray tell is he using those tools for? and fishing sounds like GAL to me.
I usually only eat once a day. I get hungry around 3. If I wait until dinner time. Between 6-7 I am no longer hungry
Ok skinny minny. That is ridiculous. and may be part of your depression. Since you are disconnected from your feelings eat anyways. as a family would be good. It will create a habit in you if you can do it more then 45 days straight. Of course you arent hungry if you eat at 3. <head shaking>
it did not work out well. I think you should 'make' it work. Unless it is or becomes negative.
I do not like smoking pot or taking pain medicines I do not like the way it makes me feel it is disarming and sets me off balance.
Well even though I said it before I guess I will spell it out. I dont do drugs, legal or not. Ok aspirin, and alcohol. Not even caffine. Not even pain meds in ER after MC accident. I was joking to Lil.
Mental note jokes about sex ok. drugs and alcohol not.
Probably wont stop me.
ok thats it for now.
except hmmm, H is lazy for tree in yard. But house is screaming for Cleaning several days now. busted again.
It makes me look spectacular when you play along so well. 
cant live with em, cant hunt em. 
still, claiming to be incontrol does not thee put there. 
