Nothing can compete with HD breast eposide. That was the one that made me laugh until it hurt. I had not laughed like that in years. But sadly when the laughter subsided I said hey what I do that to my H. And started really re-reading post on here and saying hmmm. Which allowed me to throw out alot of the resentment I had been stewing in for a few years.
You are very focused on your H's needy behavior
Because it is so in my face all the time. I realized that my detached behavoir is very unnerving for my H and others at time. That is why I am trying to form some sort of EC when spending time with him. But the how to force myself to feel something I don't feel is where I am stuck. It is not that I do not allow myself to feel it I just don't. And it is not just with my H. This board has given my pause so many times to say hey I don't feel that I don't even understand why someone would feel that it some times worrys me. In truth it scarred me when D18 moved out and I started doing things to detach myself from the way it made me feel. I do not ever want to detach from my children or distance myself from the way I feel about them. And as we all know I have walked back and tried to figure out where when and why I stopped being emotional but it seems to elude me. Now all I can focus on is trying to figure out how to become emotionally attached how to over ride what seems to be natural for me to detach from things even if I am not doing it intentionally. I just cannot seem to find anywhere to go with this.
I think it would be helpful for you to think of a few things that H can do that would seem attractive in your eyes. He needs your admiration as well.
I do try to praise him when he does something out of the blue without me prompting him to. I understand he needs me to recognize him for his actions. But the underlying truth is it is hard to find things I respect about him other then his work ethics he does work regularly. He is not one to miss as much work as possible. He will not take on extra hours often but not missing work is bigger then that. This is the one area he has really grown in over the last 15 years. When we first met he changed jobs like people changed underwear. So I respect that. My H is great about taking the kids to the doctors. I hate the doctors office so he will take them if he is available. I guess I should show more appreciation of that. But hmmm again my list ends. Maybe some people can tell me what makes there S attractive to them.(Okay not sexually don't want to have them sensor my thread). Maybe I can see something someone else finds attractive/respectful and see that I am overlooking it in my H?
but I agree with BF that you are not as psycho as you like to paint yourself. You recognize the detachment...
LOL not trying to paint myself as psycho. But in truth the fact that I do recognize can even explain to a degree why or how I do things makes me know I am not psycho it just sounds that way. So it is a good laugh.
Quote: But the how to force myself to feel something I don't feel is where I am stuck. It is not that I do not allow myself to feel it I just don't.
Yup...detachment is your protective mechanism...as I have said before, mine is to get depressed/withdraw. The thing is, you can make the choice to reconnect, but it's going to take a lot of hard work. You have to choose to want to bond...by overlooking the negative, focusing on the positive, and building from there. It's not going to feel natural---in fact, it will feel forced.
Quote: Maybe some people can tell me what makes there S attractive to them. Maybe I can see something someone else finds attractive/respectful and see that I am overlooking it in my H?
I hope some people on the BB can chime in here to give you specifics. OK everyone...what are 5 qualities that you find attractive about your SO?
Positivity brings positivity, even if you have to fake yourself out at first. Chrissy, with your daughter getting married, it's one step closer to the empty nest. The easy route is to be a WAW. Let's see if there's something here to salvage.
Yup...detachment is your protective mechanism...as I have said before, mine is to get depressed/withdraw. The thing is, you can make the choice to reconnect, but it's going to take a lot of hard work. You have to choose to want to bond...by overlooking the negative, focusing on the positive, and building from there. It's not going to feel natural---in fact, it will feel forced.
When living in a volatile, angry, potentially physically abusive relationship, I don't think meaningful "love" can be maintained, much less engendered.
It is not surprising to me at all, that Chrissy can't detect any warm-fuzzies toward her husband. I don't see how the possibility will ever occur, until he has his anger under control. And then his controlling under control.
Maybe some people can tell me what makes there S attractive to them. Maybe I can see something someone else finds attractive/respectful and see that I am overlooking it in my H?
I agreee with you Mrs. Nop. If Chrissy is up agaisnt violent behavior, then all bets are off. But I do see time and again elements of very bad behavior, bordering on abuse, in many of the situations on the board. And we are trying to help one another boundary this behavior by promoting clear communication, self assertion and consequences. The question becomes, is there enough positive here to warrant all this work? In Chrissy's situation, as in the case Focused Flutist's, there may be too much abuse to think about salvaging the marriage...it's really about survival. Thanks for pointing out that reality, Mrs. Nop.
5 attractive qualities about my H
1. Great father 2. Always willing to help out...never lazy! 3. Very intelligent, good worker, good provider 4. Strong, comforting body 3. Shows kindness when I least expect it
First of all let me say I am glad to see both of you back. Well you know what I mean.
Yes there are issues that H has to tackle his anger being the biggest. But I cannot do anything about them he has to. The only thing I can do is work on myself. Getting myself back together.
I am trying a new approach when I come home I am actively seeking out the H to tell him about my day. I never did this when I worked before. I never felt he was really interested since he did not ask.And even if I did bring something up he did not really understand my job so it was not productive communication. But after seeing so many post on miscommunication and others not knowing how to communicate I decided I would try to make him feel apart of it regaurdless if he thinks to ask. It has only been 4 days so it is a little soon to gauge any measure of success on this level.
H did say he was happy I got a job if only temp . Not for the money but for me since he was aware I was growing more and more bored by the day.
On another note H works with a person who's wife is also working where I am. He spoke to her the other night via phone when she called into the plant for her H. Though the gist of his conversation that he relayed to me was asking her how she liked it and telling her he did not feel I would like the job for long since I am a person who if is not mentally challenged gets bored easy. I find it odd that he struck up a conversation with her even though he does not know her only after he found out she worked around me. To me it indicates he was befriending her to try to get her to keep a eye on me while at work. But I may be misreading it do to past experiences of the like.
Well I hope all are having a good night! I am going to bed.
Chrissy... My H and I were having a conversation about our dog that made me think of your detachment. Last yr my D was dying for a dog so for her b-day we took the plunge ( it was a special yr...her Bat Mitzvah...which we did a yr early for those of you still around who remember all this). Anyway, this dog is just the cutest, sweetest thing...but H and I are both not attached to her. We are good pet owners, but we don't have that connection...not because of anything to do with the dog. Like I said, she has the best disposition. I do enjoy watching the closeness my daughter shares with her...they have definitely connected and it's a great thing for my D. I was realizing that for my H and me, the dog really doesn't fill any need for us. We feel we did the right thing by getting the puppy, but there isn't anything we really get from her.
Now back to you...the situation between you and your H is much different...he has done lots of things to merit your detachment. However, I'm curious if you can think of ways in which you may need him. That's need, and not love, but the two are interconnected in a way, and it may get you started on some positive thoughts about the R.
I think it's great you are working on yourself---it took me several yrs of this before I could really address my marital stuff. I am just thinking of little ways to work on the marriage, if you so choose. As Lil has pointed out before, not every marriage is worth saving, but I guess I am on a marriage-saving kick to the nth degree.
I have actually been giving a lot of consideration to your comment of positive breeding positive. And am looking for things I should appreciate in my H that I may overlook or cancel out with a negative.
I plan on doing something out of the norm today. I am going to go get my H a thank you card. Based on my home project turned bad floor experience. Monday while I was at work my H replaced the part of the floor I had to tear up last week. And since a card of any sort is out of my nature I thought it would be a nice surprise.
I have worked on a little bit of a list of things maybe I can show more appreciation for.
1. My H always attends the boys sporting events when he can. (In the past I have focused on the fact he stands on the sidelines telling people what to do as if he is the coach. I need to focus more on the fact that he attends which is more then some childrens fathers do and appreciate that).
2. My H is almost always willing to run errands for the household so I do not have to. (In the past I have focused more on how long it takes him and that I feel he takes so long so he will not be asked to do anything else. I need to just say thank you and let it go).
3. My H will get up in the morning to wake up the boys. So I can sleep in.
4. My H will cook supper a few times a week on his days off If I do not want to. (In the past I have focused more on the fact he leaves the mess for someone else to clean).
5. My H will help do housework at times.( In the past I have focused on the fact if he does a load of laundry he takes what is in the dryer and throws it on the couch instead of folding it. But I should appreciate more the fact that some men never even start a washer or wash a dish).
So not much of a list and maybe not great things. But maybe if I start here it will grow into more. And maybe it will give him some form of reassurance that he needs to some degree. But I do think that I may have stopped looking for positives and only saw the negative for the last few years. Which is why I cannot connect on any level with him.
Now the need thing. That one is maybe harder for me then the appreciation. I never think of needing someone. In my warped way I guess I have never allowed myself to need many people in my life. Maybe that is why I detach so I don't need them. Needing someone empowers them to you. I have a real hard time even with the fact my H has been supporting me for the last year and a half. And I find ways to bring in some form of income even if it is not a lot so I am not completely dependent on his support. Since I have not had a income I really have spent no money on myself. I have bought no shoes no clothes nothing but what is a must have item like deoderant and girly things. The few new things I have gotten my D has bought me as gifts. I buy household items but they are not for just me so I can reason those into not me personally taking from his income. All the things my H does for me like making me a cup of tea to the support I know I can do myself. If I wanted/had to so I don't view it as need. I will ponder this and see if I can come up with anything that I can think of my H provides me with that I could not take care of myself.
I am just thinking of little ways to work on the marriage,
And I appreciate all the help you and the others give. I know sometimes how I view things and state them can come across as offensive like my comment of my H acting like a woman. I know some may have been offended that I refered to his whiny neededness as being womanly. Not every woman is this way but we have all seen woman who act of this nature. And though men obviously have these traits also they are socially more thought of as female traits. (You know us and our inability to control our hormones lol). And in truth when I blurted that out to him I was sick I was drained and I was being pissy. I was not DBing I was being cutting towards him.
The dog reference I loved and yes that is how I feel towards my H to a T.
D18 brought a new dog home with her. Against my wishes but I find though I dislike the breed I find myself drawn to play with and carry it around. I may keep it when she leaves lol.
Chrissy... Your list is really a great place to start. I hope H likes the card. By focusing on the positive, you may make the quality of your life with H a bit more pleasant, especially since it sounds like you aren't making any major decisions as of yet.
My "overlook the negatives" comment was a poor choice of words. The negatives have to be dealt with...I'm still learning how to address my H's sucky behavior. The neglect and abuse I felt when I first posted has gotten better, I am happy to report. We are almost getting healthy...imagine that! And having some fun too.
As said I would I have been giving more thought to what I need from my H. Blackfoot also poised a simular question to me. In my thinking I am hitting a brick wall. In part because I was trying to think of what I need of him instead of need from him. But I think the wall is more based on the word need and how I define it. To me need is something you cannot do with out. Or something you are incapable to do for yourself that requires the help of another. With the very thought of the word need or needing someone I find the hairs on the back of my neck prickle. I have almost felt a resistance in myself to the thought of needing one particular person for anything. Though I know there are physical things I am not capable of doing like topping the trees in my drive way. There is a whole phone book of people to call for that need to be fufilled. It does not fall on the shoulders of my H. There are things that my H is capable of doing and chooses not to for what ever reasons. ie put the Christmas tree in the attic putty and tape the drywall in the bathroom ect. It has always been this way. I wonder if there in lies part of the problem of my even wanting to need anything from my H. I know he is unreliable to fufill most things I have any need of him for so it is easier to not need him to do/provide anything then deal with the disappointment. This goes into a deeper level then physical things there are emotional support and general friendship needs that he has failed to provide in the past also. Basically what I wonder if if since H has not been reliable in the past to fufill these needs. I either just stopped needing these things or stopped being capable of wanting/relying on him to fufill any of them. Make sense?
And BF.
I have been thinking about your response to my not buying anything for myself since H has been providing the main support for our family and the why.
No it is not based on I would owe him sex. As you said I already provide that. And if a extra ML session was all it took man I would be at the stores today(since work was called off due to rain I have the time). It really runs more into my upbringing. My step dad would have a raging fit if my mom purchased things for herself or my older sister or myself with house hold money. I spent my growing up years watching them fight terrible over silly things like she bought a shirt off a clearance rack. It was his money. I got to the point I would rather wear hand me downs or do with out then watch her go through hell all over a shirt that cost $5.00. It taught me to never take from another to rely on myself for things I want or do without. I guess that coupled with the fact my H is so like my step dad makes me feel like there is nothing I want bad enough to risk feeling indebted to or fighting with another/him. Also things are tight for us money wise with me not working. I use to make good money and our mortgage is based on that fact. So what little is left I spend on my kids.
Not all of dealing with my step dad turned into bad things for me though. His selfish mean [censored] behavior was so appauling to me it seems to have made me generous to a fault. I love giving things to people and I will give you the shirt off my back or anything I can and you will never owe me a thing. But a thank you would be appreciated. My older sister also has this personality trait. My younger sister lacks this trait in part. Which I can only be lead to believe was by the difference in which we were treated by my step dad her real dad.
