Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Learning to trust myself III

Yep, stop sign it is. It may take me awhile to implement ideas that have been in my head, but I'm getting it!! The delayed reaction is hard, but I feel much more dignified feeling than I do when I give in to the heat of the moment. This goes right along with letting H keep the bad guy status too. There is absolutely no point in taking his bait so that I become the bad guy. That is just stupid, yet somehow I haven't seen this fact until the last few months. Oh well, better late than never

What if you stayed detached and waited to see if H opened up to you and started calling you? Or maybe when you open up to him and call him he feels like you are encroaching in on his bubble? Maybe at this point H still needs "some space"?

Actually, H calls me a lot during the day. Before, I was not saying much though and I was always the first to hang up and made it evident that we had lots to do. So, oddly, he seemed to react more positively when I let him initiate contact and didn't say much. Hmm. That doesn't sound very nice when I say it out loud, lol. But since H has been back, I have been more open about things that are going on in my life at work, etc. I guess I just need to find a new best friend for a while? I don't know...

BTW, I checked into DVR with our satellite provider. It would be 62.95 after a $100 mail-in rebate. Then the monthly fee would be 5.99. H pays the satellite bill, so I'll talk to him about it and see what he thinks. Something tells me he won't be too keen on it since he doesn't watch much, if any, TV. BUT, he has the football package which is pretty expensive, so he doesn't really have a whole lot of room to dispute it....we'll see.

Or there's still the luddite way - pick up a VCR for $25 bucks and a blank tape

...when things started going better between H and I, I was trying to be really detached. Not talking about my personal life, really sort of pulling away. But I was being very nice, not at all resentful. He seemed to respond well to that attitude. But then when we started getting along better, I opened up more, called him more, became less detached and then the ugly side of him creeped up more often.

Thoughts on that?


Allow me to project yet again.

It seems like H sees your M the same way I saw mine. Which is that it should be about the intersection between two people's lives and not the union. So the things you both happen to enjoy, you do together. And the things one of you enjoys that the other doesn't, you do separately.

Problem is, not that many men are into relationships. We tend to process our feelings on our own. We tend to be more talkative in public settings (like with our buddies at work) than in private settings (like with our wives at home). Just to make this post longer, I'll mention that Deborah Tannen had something interesting to say about this in one of her books. She said men tend to be more confident with speaking in public settings and often see communication as a means of establishing status, especially in the workplace. Men therefore see "home" as a comfortable refuge from the stress of public talking. Where women often feel they have to be guarded in their public speaking so they don't come across as overly aggressive or bitchy. So women tend to see "home" as a comfortable refuge where they can let their guard down and talk freely. So this is a place where the intersection theory of relationships doesn't work worth a crap, because there is so little intersection.

I think intersection based relationships that work fall into the category of "functional relationships". I would go so far as to say that the majority of long term marriages I can think of fall into this category. There are enough parts of the R that work to hold the M together. But there still isn't a whole lot of intimacy. The man isn't wanting too much intimacy and the woman is probably getting most of hers from female friends. I think that was a big factor in how much my M degraded over the years...we moved so much that W didn't have close friends to talk to and had to depend on me for intimacy, and I was piss poor and providing it.

So in your case, H definitely wants you in his life, especially if you're being pleasant. What guy doesn't want a beautiful, pleasant woman? So if he feels you pulling away a little, he wants to connect and keep you involved. But sharing and being "relationshipy" is uncomfortable and not what he wants, so he pushes back.

Does any of that seem to fit?

I'll mention that Deborah Tannen had something interesting to say about this in one of her books.

BB, what's the name of the book. Your comments sounded like me.

HG, sorry for the hijack.

BB, what's the name of the book.

You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

Good book. Interesting read.

She said men tend to be more confident with speaking in public settings and often see communication as a means of establishing status, especially in the workplace. Men therefore see "home" as a comfortable refuge from the stress of public talking. Where women often feel they have to be guarded in their public speaking so they don't come across as overly aggressive or bitchy. So women tend to see "home" as a comfortable refuge where they can let their guard down and talk freely.

That is definitely an interesting observation. I can see where it would apply to a lot of relationships. My H is not very talkative, but he hasn't seemed to fear intimacy in the past....but maybe he does fear it a little now since the A. It isn't so much that H needs space I don't think....let me give you the most glaring example of what upset me this past weekend and maybe it will give more insight. H bought D2 a couple Barbies to keep in the closet for a time when a gift would be needed (remember, he's a toy connisseour sp?~!!). We were running out of time right before S5's b-day party and I needed H to go with me to get the balloons (3 dozen of them) because I couldn't push them all into my truck by myself. So my Mom offered to wrap D2's present (so she would have something to open at S5's party and not feel left out). So, I got out the Barbie and the tape and paper and set it on her bed. Well, D2 opened the door to the guest room and found her "prize". Uh-oh. H was really ticked at me and said rudely "What do I gotta do??" Like 'what do I have to do so that you won't keep acting like such an incompetent idiot?'. I just looked at him? I said "H, it was an accident that she found it" He said "Of course she found it". He said something else along the same lines of the 'what do I gotta do', but I can't remember what it was. I looked at him and said "It's not *that* big of a deal, I mean really, is it worth *this* (motioning to the exchange between him and I). He said "*Yes*, it is totally worth this...". Anyway, he didn't end up coming with me to get the balloons because we ran out of time (one of us needed to be there to greet S5's guests), so the store clerk helped me.
So, I have no idea what would make him act like such a *jerk*. Is there an underlying reason, i.e. that he doesn't want too much intimacy or he needs his space? I don't know. Either way it doesn't excuse his behavior toward me, it seemed completely unwarranted. And that is where I just feel defeated. Like things will never change.

So the things you both happen to enjoy, you do together Family stuff . And the things one of you enjoys that the other doesn't, you do separately Anything else!! .

There are enough parts of the R that work to hold the M together. But there still isn't a whole lot of intimacy. The man isn't wanting too much intimacy

In the past, I would say this was pretty untrue. H and I had a lot of intimacy. But for me, the alcohol issue cancelled out most of the good stuff in our M. Everything boiled back down to that. I could not happily live with a person who made choices like H did. But there were good aspects of our R and I would even venture to say that we had a lot of things that other couples would have envied.....sigh.

H definitely wants you in his life, especially if you're being pleasant. What guy doesn't want a beautiful, pleasant woman? So if he feels you pulling away a little, he wants to connect and keep you involved. But sharing and being "relationshipy" is uncomfortable and not what he wants, so he pushes back.

Although I don't think we've hit any of the reasons for this (it's not fear of intimacy or a need for space), overall, I would say this is a pretty good summary. BTW, thanks for throwing the 'beautiful' part in there

I guess I just need to keep doing what works and for whatever reason, that seems to be acting a little cooler toward him than I would like. Silence is golden, silence is golden.

"What do I gotta do??" Like 'what do I have to do so that you won't keep acting like such an incompetent idiot?'.

I know that you know H better than any of us, but aren't you assuming that he was thinking you were acting like an incompetent idiot? I'm not the best at thinking on my feet, but after reading your post, I wanted H to finish his thought, as in "What do you gotta do about what?"

Just my interpretation.

Good point Jabez. I've been with H for so long and I know by his body language, tone of voice and choice of words what he's trying to convey. But I still shouldn't assume.
And just b/c I know H extremely well, that doesn't mean I can never misunderstand. Not to mention, that if he's going to insult me, then insult me dammit! Quit speaking in half sentences, yanno?? And if I have to drag out the other half of the sentence/insult, then I will
But again, you have an excellent point. Keep your cool. Make him speak in full sentences by asking him to clarify or finish his thought. Then be SILENT!! Right?

ask him to clarify or finish his thought. Then be SILENT!!

Sounds like a solution strategy to me!

(Thought I mixup the color now that we are in Autum.)