I hope some men out there have some ideas for me. My husband has been sleeping on the couch for years! We have three kids and the youngest is now 3, and I physically have to go downstairs to get him if I need help with the kids during the night, or if I would be in the "mood". My H does feel he loves me as a person, finds me attractive, but does not want to sleep in our bed. He will even just come up for sex (which has been lacking lately) and then go back to the couch. As he is never in our room, I rarely initiate sex as I feel he could make an effort to sleep in our bed!I hate this and feel empty, and I have expressed these concerns to him numerous times over the last 2 years, yet no change. I even offered to get a tv for the bedroom, and asked that he just sleep up there a few nights a week. I feel like roommates at best and he does not want to change, and now is unsure of his feelings. I can not have a relationship like this! He said he may go talk to someone. In the meantime, any ideas? If he can not change this the relationship is not enough for me. How do I apply the DB methods to this as this is how he has lived his whole life (his entire family likes the couch!).
Well has he always slept on the couch since you have been married?
I am sorry I had to chuckle when I read your post orginally you see my S14 is a couch or floor sleepier always has been. We have changed beds for him several times thinking he was just not comfortable but it never fails he ends up on the couch or floor somewhere. Just last night we could not find him and thought he had snuck out but nope there he was curled up in the den sound asleep.
Well back to you sorry. You said now he says he does not know how he feels. But you also stated he says he loves you. And that he will come to your room to have sex but then leave again. So where did the not knowing how he feels come in?
Do either of you snore really loud? Kick in your sleep? Role around alot? Do any of your kids sleep in your room? Silly questions I know but they may account for something.
How much physical touch does he give on a regular basis ie hugs kisses pats not just to you but the kids? Does he dole out affection or is he a more hands off type guy.
Well welcome to the board sorry you had to come though.
Hello and welcome... My husband is a couch sleeper too...he sleeps on the couch 4-5 nights a week (alghough it's taken a lot to break this habit). He falls asleep on the couch cause he's watching tv and gets tired. He always thinks he going to get up and do something else or come to bed...but he ends up falling asleep there instead. I had to tell him many times how much this bothered me and how it made me feel like roommates, etc... for him to understand. He didn't understand why it bothered me. He would insist that it had nothing to do with me or our R. He finally has started to make an attempt to come to bed every night. He's down to maybe only 2 nights on the couch, which I can handle since TBQH, I like hogging the bed sometimes!
Anyway, my only advice is to talk to him. Tell him how much it hurts you that he's doing it. Explain that you don't care if it's a "family" thing, this is what you expect from your marriage. It doesn't sound fair to me that that he came come up and "get some" and then retreat back to "his room". There is something about sharing a bed that reinforces the feeling of being in a R.
just my .02
Good luck, Nicki
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Thanks Chrissy! he slept in our room when we first got married, until our first child. Then it pretty much stopped, and that was 9 years ago. His feelings came up as I said our relationship isn't working for me. At which point he simply said he doesn't know what he wants, loves me as a person, but I think feels he is not in love (I feel that way sometimes, too, but try to work at it). He also only sleeps about 5 hours a night and I sleep eight. I just feel the relatiosnhip is missing a chance for more intimacy as we do not share a bed and it really bothers me. It is also hard as I have told him several times how I feel, and he makes no effort. He also says he does not know how to comunicate and he doesn't think he wants to learn how. I also recently caught him on a "phone chat thing" talking dirty. He felt this was okay.
I, too, sleep on the couch most nights -- I've done it for the past year or so. My wife says that she tries to wake me, that I always mumble something like "OK," but then she goes to bed and I don't come in.
I'm sure that's all true.
But I also know that, if she told me something like "I miss having you with me," or "I don't like it when you don't sleep with me," or even a simple "I miss you when you do that" . . . I'd be there in a heartbeat. The truth is, she complains about my snoring, complains that I make the bed "too hot" and I'm "too close," etc., that eventually people go where they're invited.
I guess I'm saying DO continue to tell him how much it bothers you that he's not with you, and stay on him to find out what's really going on. A married couple sleeping apart every night is NOT the answer.
Did your child sleep in your room in the begining? Just curious if maybe this was a trigger to his sleeping on the couch. My kids have all slept with me and while it did not chase my H out of the room it did annoy him. S10 and S13 still climb in bed with me on the nights H is not home.
Do you and your H have a social life. Hobbies friends to just pal around with. Just wondering if I am bored is becoming I am not in love with you. I read alot on the walk away spouse boards and the MLC boards alot of the people there all to seem to have something in common they had no life until the spouse went off or said ILYBANILWY line I want more then this. Then they made a effort GAL do a 180 the whole nine yards. A little to late for some. So boredom seems to play a large part in some peoples problems. So just wondering if by chance that may be where your H stands just bored more then anything.
Also you said that you have told him repeatedly how you feel. That seems to be common one person talks while the other is not really listening. Or does not seem to get what the other is saying. BTDT but some people seem to find a way to finally get there message across. So keep trying.
The phone thing. Well it is a indicator IMO that not only are you not satisfied with your sex life neither is your H. Does he ever come to you for sex or do you have to always be the one to start things? While I cannot say it is right or wronge in your relationship IMO it can become a larger issue if it continues. What is satisfying him now to just say may later become a satifaction by act instead. I would say keep your eyes open wide on that.
There are many great people here you will get lots of feedback just keep talking even that helps. To know you are not alone is awesome help in itself even if it does not change the sitch.
Quote: The truth is, she complains about my snoring, complains that I make the bed "too hot" and I'm "too close," etc., that eventually people go where they're invited.
chocolateeyes, Is there a "sisterhood of sleep alones women?" Throw a couple of dogs and a cat or two on the bed, then see how things go!
BB complained I snored, ( I did) and I have that problem solved but the solution has her complaning too.
chocolateeyes, I saw a couple TV documentaries about women that want a man, even want sex but want to sleep alone after sex/ or what ever they do or want? Might be as high as 10% (just guessing) sometimes. I always thought you need to cuddle and talk before, during, and after sex and on nights inbetween. Maybe that (togetherness) just irritates some women more than it helps.
Hold me, don't hold me, I an too warm. All you want is sex, you never pay attention to me, you smother me! I want to be independent, you ignor me. shees. Maybe blackfoot is right.
Quote: I hope some men out there have some ideas for me.
Get the TV for the bedroom and you start sleeping on the couch. Tell him it's your turn to have the couch and living room, that he can't have all of the fun. You want some fun too.
Maybe get a bigger couch or one that folds out so you can both sleep together. Pile books on the couch so no one sleeps on it.
I have the mechanical solutions but I don't have the emotional solutions. I am in the opposite state as you. My W/BB wants to sleep alone and with her dogs. Maybe we should trade spouses? Just kidding. Hope that made you smile a little.
Seems like men and women have some of the same problems.
I so appreciate all the input. I could use some more info on men. How do you keep asking for what you need without being perceived as a nag and driving H over the edge? When men say TLYBNILWY, is it typically about sex, needing more excitement? How do you get men to talk about their feelings? My H says he has urges? This must be sexual, why not talk about it with your wife and try to get your needs met? Is it just too boring after 12 years? I do not get it. I am in great shape, attractive, is it just boredom, missing the chase? I also feel I am not in love, but I am willing to do what is needed to get back there as it takes constant work and with our schedules, we do let it go.
Lou, books on the couch, they would end up on the floor! One night I was so fed up I took the cushions from the couch so he could not sleep there. That just made the recliner appealing, and me unappealing!
I really feel if he would get off the couch our problems would be solved. It is so hard to fix something you have no control over. I use to enitice him to get off the couch, now I don't bother as I know he will just retreat back to the couch and tv, and that is not enough for me. Also, when he is home watching tv, he is usually also on the computer, so we do not even sit on the couch together? Any ideas on how to up the intimacy factor, just the romance part, not the sex?
Wow! I can't believe this topic finally showed up here! One of the biggest areas of conflict I have with my bf is that he sits up much later than me watching tv and sometimes falls asleep on the couch. He says he's not avoiding me, but as you said, chances for intimacy are missed when we sleep apart. This has been a problem since the beginning (3 years ago) but back then he was sitting up drinking. He's been sober for 18 months, but still sits up late. He said he has to unwind. Well, I go to bed around 11. If he would come to bed by 1 am, I'd be relatively okay with that. But lately it's been till 2 or 3. Last Saturday, I finally came into the living room at 2 and asked if he was getting sleepy yet. He said "pretty soon." I went back to bed but I was so mad I got up and put my clothes on. I said to him, I want to sleep with you. I don't want to sleep alone. If I'm going to sleep alone, I might as well be at home." And I left to go home to my house. It really shocked him. But I told him that's what I'm going to do from now on on Saturday nights. I'm staying at my house. That way he can stay up all night if he wants to. Thank God I still have my own house. NEVER giving that up!!
Tell him it's your turn to have the couch and living room, that he can't have all of the fun. You want some fun too.
Just kidding. Hope that made you smile a little.