Deep breath...So tonight we go to our MC. It has been 2 weeks and seems like longer. I decide to just lay it on the table about how I really feel. The fact that I feel that H is only here so he can walk away with a clear conscience saying he tried. I guess coming home, not leaving equates to trying. So he he says the only thing he is trying to do is decide whether to stay or go. Still says it has nothing to do with me, however that is a smack since I am right there in the middle of his turmoil. He says he is a logical thinker and I am an emotional thinker. He does not like to deal with emotions. At that point I chose to ask him how logical was his whole fantasy into reality thing.Wrong choice I guess because he went nuts, said if I said one more word about it he would get up, walk out and everything was over. I came back with the fact that in prior sessions he had shared things about me that I am less than proud of, but I owned up to them. Attempting suicide is not something I am proud of and was embarrassed when he brought that up. But I came clean with my feelings about that. Once again he states if I continue Its over. so I say nothing else. The C pressed H a bit about the fantasy I mentioned. She has no idea what happened or what it invoves. I only mentioned the word. H shuts down and refuses to say anything about it. I say nothing more because I feel that his reation to this is not benefiting anyone. I suggest to C that perhaps we need individual sessions vs. couples sessions. There are things I can not say in front of him that I guess I do need to say and I feel he is struggling with his own demons. I just think he needs to work out his personal issues that have nothing to do with our R before we can even begin to make any progress with our M. I keep working and trying, but it feels like a lost cause and a waste of energy since I am the only one. I am tired of hearing that I was the perfect wife, mother, lover. Is that supposed to make me feel better? I'll end up blaming myself anyway so what is the point in saying that? He says that this has nothing to do with me. So what am I? The innocent bystander? It is just something he is going through. I feel like sh*t and am really beginning to resent this whole sitch. It feels like if and when he decides we will be okay, he will let me know. And in the mean time what the hell am I supposed to do while he figures what it is he wants? One day he wants to stay, the next he wants to go. He says he tries not to even think about our M. It makes it easier for him to deal with.
I keep asking myself why I even love him like I do. I am sure everyone else who reads my posts probably wonders the same thing. Great, we are in the same boat. I am really struggling with that myself and some days I think I am just here to learn how not to love him. It is like every day he takes a bite out of my feelings for him. By the time he figures out what he wants, I am not sure what is going to be left. Treading water. No land in sight and my legs are tired. Sometime I think about what will happen if I just stop treading. No more pain, no more wondering, no more worrying. No more anything.
Can you get dehydrated from crying too much? LOL how I can even find any humor about how I feel right now is beyond me. I guess that is what keeps me sane. I keep hoping my life is a new reality TV series and someone forgot to tell me. Sorry if you can not make sense of my vent. I am all cried out and so very tired. Got to go to work in a few hours so I guess off I go to toss and turn again.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Hope this finds you in a better place then last night.
Your H and his explosion in the C office was not your doing. His not wanting his fantasy to come up was probably for various reasons. I suggest you blow that reaction right off. It was a knee jerk reaction at best.
I suggest to C that perhaps we need individual sessions vs. couples sessions.
I hope she agreed to this. And you pursue it.
I'll end up blaming myself anyway so what is the point in saying that
Why? why do you want to carry all the blame? You really need to come to a place to except that blame is not getting you any where. Blaming yourself or blaming your H will not get you anywhere other then were you are. Owning your faults are great but blame is not ownership. And as long as you only look to yourself for the why whats wronge with me what did I do wronge you are going to keep yourself in this emotional upheaval. It truely may not be about you and you might want to accept that possibility.
Roller I doubt you know much about my sitch but I am going to tell you something. I am not happy in my marriage. And it is really not about my H. It is about me. I am discontent with who I am vs who I was vs who I want to be. I am discontent with where I am in life vs where I thought I would be. This discontent has grown so large at times I feel I am drowning in it. And there is nothing that my H can do at this point to help me through it. I have to figure it out myself. Because it is me I am unhappy with not so much him. Sure there are things that he does that make me unhappy but it rates no where as high as my unhappiness with myself. I lost a large part of me over the years with doing what needed to be done. I am now on a journey to become whole again. None of this has to do with my H. Some of the parts I gave up were do to choices I made to be with my H. But see he does not even own responsibility in that. I made the choices I let myself get here. So when your H says it is not about you. He maybe telling you the truth.
It is just something he is going through.
When a child breaks there leg. Even though it affects the whole family and even though the parent feels terrible for the pain there child is enduring it is really only the child going through the ordeal of having a broken leg. It is only the child who needs time to mend the wound. There is a run off effect on the family of how they tend to this child while it is healing. But no matter how much they do for this child or how bad they feel and what kind of a toll it takes on the family really it boils down to one thing allowing the child time to heal.
Think back some to something that happened in your life something drastic that changed the course of your life. Think about how you felt and how long it took you to learn to deal and cope and get through those feelings. It may give you the patients and strenght to help your H have time to work through his feelings and learn how to cope and deal with them.
Sweetheart, you two have a LOT of work to do. The good news is that there is plenty of passion between you. The bad news is that both of you seem to despise your emotions. You made a remark the other day about how your emotions were messing you up.
It troubles me that you are embarrassed and ashamed that you attempted suicide. And it really troubles me that your H would throw this up in your face. No one gets to this extremity unless they are really hurting. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not a character flaw or a sign of weakness.
And the fact that your H won't talk about the fantasy with the C-- what's the point of talking to a C if you won't level with her?
Your emotions are very important. They are your inner compass. You must learn to love them and the messages they are giving you. You will need help doing this-- more help than you can get from this board (though I hope you will keep coming here daily).
Please see the C individually. This MLC of your H's has precipitated a situation that challenges the very foundations of your soul. This is an emergency situation, and this is your opportunity to deal with it.
Ultimately you will be better, stronger, and happier, but it will get bumpy before it gets better. I predict you will start to feel clearer right away. You can do it!
Thank you both for the encouraging words. Still trying to sort out my thoughts. I am glad it was a busy day at work. At least it keeps my mind off from this whole mess. We did schedule invidual appt. with the counselor. I think I may need that more at this point. It just feel like we keep doing the same thins over and over and moving forward is not one of them. Walking in cicles is more like it. I am just so tired of everything right now. Knowing I need to get out of this depressed mood I am in and doing it is much more difficult than I thought. I have never felt like this in my life. This depressed. I have plenty of rocky roads and devasting things happen in my past, but I was always able to come out of the depressed feeling. I guess it is just that this whole thing has been going on for almost 2 years and I have not been myself since. Always wondering what is going on with us, with him. Wondering why he is feeling the way he does and what I can do to help. Being afraid that I might lose a man that I love and have built a life with. I keep thinking about all the wonderful things in our life. The things we have accomplished together. I guess it hurts to know that he can just walk away with only the reason that it is that he just is not sure anymore. I guess for me it would be easier to have it be another man or another woman. Or that we argue constantly. Or someother reason that marriages fall apart. But it is just like one day he woke up and became someone I don't even recognize. Chrissy, I appreciated what you said. I am sorry that you are going through that as well. I guess it is just difficult for me to understand what he is feeling when it is hurting me so much. I know I need to just accept the fact that maybe there is nothing I can do to fix this and that it may not have anything to do with me at all. That so does not make this any easier. I keep wondering if he will come hme tonight after what happened yesterday at C. He was here last night but so was my stepson and H had to take him to school in the morning. His apartment is too far away from here for him to to do that. My Stepson is with us 4 days a week. All of his friends are here and his room, his things. I wonder how all of this will affect him as well. He would see his Dad alot less and leave all of his friends. My H fought for additional visitation and now he is here more than he is with his mother even though she has custody. I know I have so many other things to worry about, but that concerns me as well. It is hard for me not to be who I am even though all of this is happening right now.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Quote: I know I need to just accept the fact that maybe there is nothing I can do to fix this
Whoa!! It's WAY too early to know that. You're trying to peek at the end of the book to see how it all comes out. This is a process and you're going to have to go through it.
My late husband and I used to have a saying when facing something unpleasant: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." You've got a big old pachyderm on your place and it's going to take a while to get through it and digest it. I know it's hard, but right now, try to stay in the present and avoid imagining what might or might not happen. And especially take care of yourself-- rest, diet, exercise, see your friends, rent movies you like. You will live through this, but it might be a long process. Other people have gotten through it, and you will, too.
Also stop trying to figure out what he is going through, why he is going through it, what it means, what you might have done differently, etc. Just focus on YOU. All of your worrying isn't going to change where he is at right now. Put your energy into yourself. You will survive this... read the signature line at the bottom of my post. Print it out. Memorize it. Post it somewhere where you can see it all the time. It's true.
I guess it is just difficult for me to understand what he is feeling when it is hurting me so much. I know I need to just accept the fact that maybe there is nothing I can do to fix this and that it may not have anything to do with me at all
Though I do think it important that you accept this may not be about you. It can be fixed as long as you both work on it. With only one of you working on it progress will be slow to nil. But others spouses here have jumped aboard the fix it boat in time so it can happen. You just may feel like you are doing nothing but treading water for awhile.
I really do not find very many sitch hopeless. So please do not think I am implying that your sitch is. I just think it would be better for you to step back a little from all beating yourself up over the sitch you are doing. You are wearing your self out with it. I can only imagine how hard this is for you, Your pain makes me feel sad for you and for my H. I am sure he is going through much of the same emotions you are.
Chrissy, Thank you for your comments. While I do not know all of you sitch, it does sound a bit simular, only role reversal. I am trying to not beat myself up too much, but sometimes it feel like... I am afraid to say that or behave like that. Don't want to make waves of any kind. Add fuel to the fire. Walking on broken glass. And then at the same time it is hard not to share that I am hurting here too. We do not yell or argue or anything like that. Sometimes I wish that we did. Surpressed emotions on both parts. He does not like dealing with emotional issues and I am an emotional person trying to be what he says he wants. I did not just become the person that takes everything to heart, worries about everyone and thing yesterday. He married and fell in love with that person. That is nothing new for me. He was not always as emotionally absent as he is now. He would not be what I describe as a very intimate or romantic man, but has had his moments. I am just trying to figure out my next step. Unfortunately I feel all the lights are all out and I am afraid that I might step in sh*t if I am not careful.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
okay guys, now I am a bit confused(like I wasnt already).
So last night I was surprised #1 that H came home. I thought that he might choose to stay at apt. given the way things went at C office on Monday. But #2 he actually came home early. Not only that #3 he wanted to talk. Of course I said okay but in mind I was preparing myself for wht I thought he was going to say. But instead he sat there and apologized for everything he has been doing and the way he has been behaving. He even apologized for his behavior at the C office. He told me he had talked to someone earlier that made him realize how great our lives together really is and how much he truly loved me. He admitted to not trying to make our R work because of some of the feelings he was having inside about himself. Being depressed about getting older, difficulty with impotence sometimes and feeling like life was passing him by. He told me he was going to move all of his things back in from apt. and really put the effort in our R.
I almost did not know how to respond. Here I was thinking he was going to tell me one thing and instead he told me the opposite of what I thought. I am causiously optimistic. I listened to what he said. I Asked him questions about himself and how he felt. I thanked him for the apology. I told him that what he said did make me feel alot better and gave me a better understanding of what he was going through. I did tell him that I felt we must continue our counseling together and individually. I do not want any unresolved issues to rear their ugly heads in a few months and end up going through this again. I have been through this twice with H and the first time ( a year and 1/2 ago) where he did pretty much the same thing that I am going through right now except he rented an apt. then and backed out before he moved in. This is one of the reasons I feel I need to proceed with a bit of caution. I did feel a sincerity in his words and actions last night that I have not seen in the past. I actually slept last night. A good sleep. More that the 2-3 hours I have been getting since my mind will not shut off at night. He even sent me a text message on my phone at work that said I love you. Wow that is so not like him at all. I guess I am wondering from anyone that has been following my ride part 1 & 2 if you have any advice on what they think about this lastest epiphany.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Oh there is so much work to do still but at least he has verbally committed to working on your relationship. That is big. And to top it all off he explained to you what is going on with him. That is a great place on starting to fix what is wronge. Understanding it. I would say more but me and Mr Nyquil have been hot and heavy for days and my thought process is really scrambled. As you may have noted by my post on other threads. Just wanted to give you a wtg.
