Thanks for your kind words again LFL. Everyone has been a great help to me on this board, but you really help me not get too down on myself over the whole thing. I really believe, even though I'm not doing a particularly good job with it right now, that I have to stop getting down on myself so much before there is any chance of W not getting down on me in response.
Oh, and if my grammar and sentence structure is really weird, I have basically gotten no sleep the past few days. My students were laughing at me in class this morning because I just couldn't get the demonstration to work. I was laughing with them.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quote: I had another thought that will probably cause me to get lambasted. I think all of my hanging on to OW is an attempt to keep those positive feelings I had about myself during the EA alive. I can feel those positive thoughts slipping away every day as the memory of the EA fades and the reality of my marriage problems sets back in. I'm trying to convince myself that I need to find strength of character in myself and not in someone else's opinion, especially not OW, but it is just going to take time, if it happens at all.
This brings me back to my point that you do not need the OW or even your W to have these good feelings about yourself. You permitted yourself to have these feelings in the presence of the OW. You FORBID yourself to have these feelings about yourself in the presence of your W. You can CHOOSE to have these feelings about yourself in a vacuum, if you so desire.
You are the same person as you were in high school, the same person as you were before you married, the same person before and after the A. All of those good qualities were/are always in you. You are the one who chooses to permit them to come out or to hide depending on who you're with.
Find another counselor, print out your last post, and tell him/her that's what you want to work on. The fact that you can't get in to see this one IMHO is a message direct from God that this is not the C for you.
Stop dwelling on the A... give yourself a break. ENJOY your family!!! Change your perspective. Look at the horizon occasionally instead of at your shoes, k? (Take a break from this board, too... although I KNOW how hard that is, esp when everyone is so invested in your sitch. But GAL for a while.)
"You can CHOOSE to have these feelings about yourself in a vacuum, if you so desire." That is just what I don't get yet. I can intellectually process it and see that it is true because I can see others around me as living, breathing examples that it is possible. But my emotions just can't seem to process it. I am just not able to emotionally feel like a good person without someone else agreeing with me. OW agreed with me and it was awesome. W either doesn't agree with me (probably not true) or just doesn't show it (probably because I don't let her or I am not hearing her).
"Find another counselor, print out your last post, and tell him/her that's what you want to work on. The fact that you can't get in to see this one IMHO is a message direct from God that this is not the C for you." I will definitely collate all the information I have gained here and take it with me to my next appointment, whenever that is. You guys have all been very helpful to me. The bad thing is that this C is free, which is important given the degree of my diaper bills at this time. Also, there really isn't anyone near where I live that I can trust. Remember, I am in enemy territory if the EA ever gets out.
"Stop dwelling on the A" Some days it is easier than others. I feel like the easier days are slowly becoming more prevalent.
"ENJOY your family!!!" Well, other than the R with the W, I do. I haver recently begen to feel a real connection with D2^2, and there is just something awesome about holding a sleeping infant in your arms for hours. Good for the soul. And when S<1 is awake, I love to just watch him looking around soaking it all in.
"Take a break from this board, too... although I KNOW how hard that is, esp when everyone is so invested in your sitch. But GAL for a while." I am at a somewhat slow point in my work now. When it ramps up, you guys will probably not see me for long stretches. And I know you will miss me terribly, me being such the interesting guy that I am. If I'm not here, the number of posts will probably be cut in two.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
