Quote: Back away and carry on with your life anyway. You don't need that BS.
I'm having trouble today and it's my own fault for snooping. What good does that do me? Anyway, I think that she has expectations that when she gets to this concert that she will meet John Mayer and they'll have something. She certainly has good qualities, but I doubt a twenty something year old would recognize them or jump right in with a 40 year mother of two. If it's true, then I wish them well, but I don't care who it is, I believe I'm the one for her. She will either recognize it or not. But it is bugging me today. It is upsetting that she can't think ahead or see what she has in front of her. Even if true, what is the future of my XW and this twenty something year old singer?
Now who's losing his detachment and I don't care attitude? Me, that's who. And that says now more than ever I need to back away. Or maybe run away. Perhaps after this concert when she realizes the truth, it will put this fantasy to rest. But just maybe I should put my own little fantasy, of a new intimate R/marriage, to rest as well.
P.S. I mean, the ease with which she does this internet R crap, without meeting or even talking on the phone, is very disturbing. Is that what I want to get myself into?
Last edited by la_esperanza; 09/12/0505:33 PM.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
As I said to Gabriel once, if you snoop you can expect to get burned. It's playing with fire.
No matter how much you think you are the one for her, it is her that would have to see that if you got back together. You cannot make her see that if she doesn't want to. You cannot hurry the process.
I've been split up nearly 4 years and DB'ing for nearly 3 of those. I started DB'ing when DD4 was 4 months old, she is now 3 years old, and that's how long it took me to get where I am, and I am nowhere near done. It takes long-term dedication to fix a marriage and if you want her back, you have to be prepared to see it through.
She certainly won't have you back if you are snooping into her things. Remember, you have to model good behaviour to her and that isn't good.
On the plus side, she can make quick emotional connections over the internet because she's LONELY and there's a void in her life which is why she is so eager to fill it.
The following lecture is brought to you by me and may be considered in any fashion you deem acceptable and legal.
Jo summed it up best, PATIENCE. It took Jo a long time (and going long periods without seeing Andy) to get where she is and she is still working.
You want something to happen NOW and as everyone has reiterated, it cannot, not without a tremendous amount of effort and patience and committment and unconditional love and ZERO expectations.
And you are angry with her, which is ironic, because your actions caused the doubt, mistrust, and confusion. You also are surprised she is living in a fantasy world (though this is standard WAW behavior).
You both also continue to play house and you are angry she does this without committment but let's be honest, despite your words, your actions show you are enjoying it. And we would all like to in that position, having our X hang out all the time but we would also get frustrated and confused and like some answers to unasked questions.
You are so caught up chasing your own tail you wonder why you are dizzy? And then complain to the in-laws, which of course backfires on you and you get angry when you snoop, though the inclination is strong in hopes of revealing some secret to the WA heart and then are angry when you discover she is not coveting the ground you walk on and is in fact carrying on some imaginary relationship which may well crash down on her, but you CANNOT make that happen, but can only, if you desire, be there, if and when she needs.
If none of this seems pausible or possible and really are sick of the whole make-believe relationship, then it is, as I have advocated time for some SERIOUS soul-searching and asking questions only you can answer.
Hey, Kevin that was so funny. But Bruce sees me as a paradox, an enigma, a riddle, and a hopeless case. He wonders how many times I'll shoot myself in the foot before I'm completely lame.
Bruce, you are of course correct. Your advice is what I would give to others, but the moment it's me, I can't think very straight. I know what I need to do, but sometimes don't do it as well as I'd like. Know what the difference between yesterday when I had a pleasant day with the XW and today? I was disappointed to find my XW holding onto a dream that John Mayer is in love with her. So, might as well shake it off and go on.
But you are right. I'll be friendly, that won't change. And I won't ignore the phone. But I am at least going to mentally try to get into the frame of mind that you suggested. I'll do the soul seaching and it's probably time to seriously write down my thoughts so I can relook at them.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
At least she has great taste in music! John Mayer's a wizard with the guitar.
Oy! Isn't it painful to see them blunder thru this crap, yet stay so prideful even just following their falls? Take great care of yourself, Wes, this week and next, amping it up beyond the norm. Let her face the real world. If it happens to burn her, then perhaps she'll be less gullible in the future.
I often use the Parable of the Prodigal Son to help me conceptualize the work that XW has to do. She literally has to learn via the school of hard knocks that there's nothing better out there. That her mood will drop even further the more hits she takes. That nothing comes for free, despite the existence of credit cards and young, racy friends.
Once she hits bottom, your XW just may start to appreciate the beauty in little things, the normal routines, the value of hard work/sacrifice/commitment. Until then, you have to keep yourself together and hold down the fort, moving on in the sense that your life should be lived as fully as possible.
I'm going to try and do that. But I refuse to compete with a fantasy. When this bubble breaks, if it does, there will still be some mystery that says "I love you" and for some reason, even though he's at best a liar, there will be some reason that she'll hold on to this fantasy. I've experienced it before. Even when faced with the knowledge that OP was a straight woman, she refused to believe it was a woman.
While snooping didn't help, it is a wakeup call. I need detachment and as I told Kevin, to move on. For me that doesn't mean another woman just yet. For me it means coming to understand that despite our positive interactions, that we may never be and that I still have quite a ways to go to be content and complete by myself.
Take care everyone.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I need detachment and as I told Kevin, to move on. For me that doesn't mean another woman just yet. For me it means coming to understand that despite our positive interactions, that we may never be and that I still have quite a ways to go to be content and complete by myself.
You just said what I haven't been able to tell myself all of this time. Thank you. I am going to try and follow your lead.
