Long story, short version: I am 5 months into recovery of my H's affair. His A lasted 1 1/2 years (married only 3 years) which equates to one half of our married life.
When do you know that it's no use. I cannot get past his A no matter what I try. My H thinks that it is no use and that I will never get over his A so he thinks we should go our separate ways. I'm beginning to think that he may be right. When do you know if you should just leave the marriage? Right now, we cannot even be around each other. We don't like each other's company and it isn't getting any better. Are we just hanging on for no reasons?
Hu Gwyn - Welcome to Piecing, and yes, this was for me at least, the most difficult journey of my life.
Quote: I cannot get past his A no matter what I try.
Trust me, if being with H is important enough, you will get past the A. Question is, do you want to be with H enough? Only you can answer that. But just remember that no matter how painful it seems now, in a few months the intensity of the pain will recede.
Have you read DR or DB? The first thing to get to grips with is that dbing takes time, period. It may take years to fix the issues.
What do you do when you cannot stand being with each other - do you take a break? How much time do you spend together?
Yes, we're taking a break. I moved out and I've been gone for about 4 months because when I'm with him I cause the R to disintergrate more than what it is. I have angry outbursts (totally distructive according to DR - yes, I have the book), but for some reason I cannot control it when I'm with him. I know that I am holding on to a grudge, but I am so humilitated, embarrassed (the OW was 20 years young than him and very unattractive) and I let him know every chance that I have to tell him how disgusted I am with him. How important is my H? Well, when I try to see my future without him, I don't think I'll be any more happy, when I try to see my future with him, I am not happy either. Years to fix this? So basically, I have to endure all of this for years? Wouldn't it be more simple, maybe less painful, to cut my losses and go. Remember, I don't have years of a marriage, only 1 year. I'm not a young woman so I don't want to waist a lot of time.
The thing is, my H is very remorseful, he has done everything I've asked him to do and yet, I'm so full of rage, anger and the need to "get even" overwhelms all the good. I know that I must control this and Lord knows that I try, but for some reason, I am out of control. I'm growing weary and so is my H. I guess that's why I posted what I posted, maybe I'm not the type of person that can move beyond the A. How do you know if you can?
What are some of the thought provoking questions do I need to ask myself if I should stay in this marriage. Anyone have any advise? I just can't seem to find the answers within myself.
I don't know how to do that "quote" thing but here are my answers:
What do I find attractive about my H? His devotion to me and his continued patience with me trying to work through this.
What would my life be without him in it? Lonely
Am I the person I want to be, or will this experience hellp me grow into the person I want to be? I'm working on becoming the person I want to be. Unfortunately, I see myself growing into a person that doesn't mesh with my H.
I believe everyday that I am getting closer and closer to a descision and the descision doesn't include my H. Is the wrong way to think?
Gwyn - I'll post what may be a controversial opinion here (and note, this is coming from someone who successfully repaired her marriage - but we had 20 years and 3 kids invested).
IMHO - you're right. You don't have a lot of years invested, don't have kids with him. It wasn't a one night stand or a brief fling, but an ongoing, 1 1/2 years of lying. Your R wasn't old or stale. This says something pretty serious about him, his character, and his ability to be in a truly committed R.
The more typical story here is of a marriage that was basically good, then due to the WASs depression and/or external pressures and/or gradually drifting into a rut in the R, the vulnerable WAS is easy pickings for someone who pays attention to them or makes them feel important again. Sad, yes, weak, yes, but understandable and often forgiveable. And when there are children involved, or a shared history of many happy years together, it makes it worthwhile to fight to get through the pain.
But someone who cheats on you this early in the R most likely has something else going on (especially a grown adult male - it's not like he was a 20 year old who feared he might be missing out on something!). And I think you are perfectly within your rights to decide that he is not a good bet for a long and happy future together. Especially if he hasn't figured out why this happened.
Is he sad to lose you, but doesn't want to confront why he did this? Is he getting treatment for his depression and/or substance addiction? Has he ever cheated on a past girlfriend or ex-wife? (Don't take his word for it - go right to the sources!).
I'm betting, in a case like this that happened so early in the R, there were other red flags you chose to ignore. What are they?
Look - if YOU want to save this marriage, because you feel there is more good than bad, and you aren't planning on having children with him - then do whatever you feel like doing. If you feel that this is just too big a character flaw to overlook, and not what you signed up for - (you wanted, after all, a man who would love and cherish you and be your rock of support in bad times, right? ) - then you have every right to decide that this is just not the person you want to spend your life with.
Thank you. You've really said some things that I feel.
He continues to tell me he knows why he did what he did, he got to emotionally involved. Character flaws early on, internet porn and porn come to mind. but as soon as I brought these into the light he quit.
He is very remorseful and has taken quite a verbal beating from me but he stands firm and waits for me. Counseling, well he goes with me but doesn't think he has a problem.
You're right, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. He swears he'll never do this again. I would love to go to some sources, but I have no idea where to find them.
Quote: He continues to tell me he knows why he did what he did, he got to emotionally involved.
????? This is NOT a reason. Why did he LET himself cross that line in the first place? A man his age doesn't know what is and isn't appropriate in a R with another woman? Face it, you and I know to back off immediately as soon as that friendly coworker expresses an amorous interest in us, right???
The question is - WHY did he cross that line with her? What was he looking for? Why didn't he come to YOU if he felt there were problems in the R? Why didn't he suggest counselling if he wasn't happy?
Quote: Counseling, well he goes with me but doesn't think he has a problem.
He cheated for a year and a half but he doesn't think he has a problem????? PUHLEEEZE! I'd say right here is your answer - he's NOT willing to take the responsibility and do the work necessary to become the man you need, despite all his protestations that he wants you and will wait for you. If he doesn't do that work, this will resurface again sometime down the line (I know, I lived it).
It's up to you whether you want him back or not, but don't take him back unless he has done everything you know YOU would do to repair and make amends for such a thing.
And if you DO take him back - then you really do need to forgive and let go. It's true, it's not fair to take him back iof you're going to make him pay forever.
Slowly