I know, I’ve been told that plenty of times. It comes from my anger, that I am trying to work through.
HP,
“In her own way, she sets the tone for our entire family.” This is the same in our family, except the one setting the tone is my wife. She is also on some type of med. I’m not sure which since it changes all the time. As for the kids, I think they are perfectly fine and functional. The middle just received an invitation to take some type of advanced testing. On last year’s state test (TAKS test here in Texas), she maxed on scores for math and verbal, something like 99 percentile. So if she doesn’t take meds, how bad could she perform?
Wife doesn’t use the meds so much for behavioral issues, kids are all very well behaved and respectful (I partially thank Japanese heritage and teakwondo for that). She doesn’t want them to suffer self esteem and confidence problems if they cannot focus and miss assignments, instructions, etc. Sounds like a little projection to me, do you think? But then, I don’t know what I’m talking about (see one source of my anger?).
Cobra, I would argue that they are receiving a VERY clear message about themselves by their mother's need to medicate them. Talk about a self esteem buster! "I am so flighty/unorganized/whatever that my mom took me to doctor after doctor until one agreed to put me on meds." That sends a direct message to the child that there is something wrong with them that must be medicated out of them.
It's just wrong.
I know there are cases where meds are necessary and I applaud those parents for going that route, but to do it to a perfectly normal kid just turns my stomach.
For a wile she was taking Adderral, Stratera, Paxil, and several others. I think these are anti-depressants. But she said they made her too groggy. Over the past few years I saw a dampening in her mood swings (which she denies she had). Some time earlier his year she stopped taking them, and her swings still seem to be ok. She says her greater awareness and my not doing things to tick her off is what keeps her level now, except when she comes under stress (which is usually when mood swing occur, right?).
This kids take Focalin to help them focus, so I think this is all she is taking now.
What's the deal with the continued pursuit by the ex. Why did you have such a crappy weekend?
I dont know. I am open to you ladies opinions on why she is still contacting me. Two looong letters this time that she left at the house. I was gone. But my bed smelled like her. THAT was really F'ed up. The first is fairly accusatory and then questioning on whys and hows it would work if we got back together yet couldnt. The second was more reminising, friendly, and at the very end, more why it couldnt work. Makes my head hurt, must stay focused on OM. No as-ifing no initiating.
Chrissy,
You ladies are determined to get me to talk about myself one way or another. Sneaky. J/K.
How do you turn around that thought behavior? behaiviors can lead to thoughts as much as thoughts lead to behaiviors. Its important to DO what we know we should to drive that biology back.
Our internal biology drives many of our thoughts into our consciousness. When that thought is a negative one, you know it because you feel something unpleasant: anger, fear, withdrawal, anxiety.
On Globules thread he said in response to me
Quote: "Feelings are tricky, the stronger they are the more likely they coerce us into making the wrong choice" I think the word likely is important in that statement. Following our feelings is not always a bad choice.
I disagree following your feelings is a terrible choice. Listening to them, acknowledging them, determing the cause and what to do to remedy the stressor causing them is a much better choice.
The insistence on not wanting to need other people is either driven by fear or a desire for self sufficiency. We do need other people, we are half of a sexual equation and social, tribal creatures. It is unhealthy to act or pretend otherwise. (your affection for and doting on new puppy is interesting.) So how to go about changing that. personnally I have been making an effort to ask people for things. Something little, from a friend or family member that I am perfectly capable of doing for myself. Also whenever people offer to help, as many have since my accident, I say yes.
Very very very difficult for me. I have been in more serious accidents before and would let no one know, even my family untill out of the hospital.
My x offered too, I mentioned before and I replied "I want you I dont need you" unfortunately that is most likely not a 180 for me, more of the same, it was revisited very hostile the next day, yet she is in R with OM, I must remember that. Ever since second break I do not care if my actions are -right or wrong- in the sense that I have no care if they mess up the R more. Right now I am trying to decide if reconciling with her after D and OM loses interest would be disrespectfull to myself or if not getting back together with her would be a narcisstic injury. Probably wasted thought, and should wait for it to actually happen. I would feel second place and would never believe that she really loves me, and that she is settling because OM didnt come thru.
Cobra I read a large part of Vankins website, recognized a few traits of course, but overall its not ringing for me.
The most telling ones are ever since I was young my talents have put me in the 'spotlight' so to speak and I disliked it so much, that I still downplay or dont mention them. I love to teach and have no problem with public speaking, but I shudder at the general idea of being famous. I my be a source of energy in a group, but I prefer to be in the background and instigate others to be the center of attention. Is that manipulation? Maybe but it is never harmful, or malicious. I enjoy being open and honest and making fun of myself with those I come in contact with, and the biggest differece is my motives for doing things are either to improve myself (selfish) or to help or bring up those close to me or around me. I never have any inclination to tear down, destroy, or otherwise wreck people or events, my sexual predilictions are not disturbed in either finding it gross or wanting to control. At the worst part of my life which now is when the affair first started, I did not say anything negative about my x to anyone for the entire first seperation. Even while she attempted to shred my reputation to our mutual friends and her family. They would approach me and I felt no need to defend myself. (though I did say with exaggerated frustration 'your suuuuch a dumb bitch' to her a couple times shortly before our reconciliation. it was toungue in cheek, I knew she was coming back and she knew I knew. ) I didnt blame OM, or the economy of the city we were in, or any other outside influence. I will admit I did want to pop him like a soap bubble. anyways there is a tremendous amount in there that is not me, I never felt like cursing at the website or any other Phsyc book. I am fascinated by it in general and want to know what I need to work on.
So I will say that I am extremely confidant, to the point that I appear egotistical. I have many things I need to work on like well being, and enjoying solitude which I used to enjoy but have come to dislike over the past few years from being so close to my x and having so many friends, family and activities. I need to put down some roots which I was in the process of doing when crap hit the fan. I had really itchy feet untill I was 24. That lack of 'stability' sense of home is I think a large contributor to my x's feelings of discontent. Her actions, and my reaction to them, happened right on the cusp of seeing all our plans come to fruition- our 10 year plan so to speak, really set it back for us as a family and her especially no matter what the outcome is.
I would never have medicated my son with out proof of his epilipsy. And he is aware he has to take medicine to make him more like other people. Which is very sad. But without it it effects not only his learning but his speach to a drastic measure. It is a anti seizure med he takes. My son who is LD labeled takes no meds even though the doctors/school recommended it and though he struggles he does pretty well in school.
"I disagree following your feelings is a terrible choice. Listening to them, acknowledging them, determing the cause and what to do to remedy the stressor causing them is a much better choice."
I don't think all feelings result from stressors or need to be remedied. For example, I would say a feeling of happiness could be "followed" to some degree. Granted, you don't want to go around in "happy happy joy joy" land all the time. That would tend to PO everyone around you.
Anyway, I don't think letting go sometimes and allowing your feelings to guide you is always a bad choice. It is when you allow them to overwhelm you to the point that you start hurting yourself or someone else that you should snap back to reality. Of course, I haven't mastered that snap back to reality ... yet.
"Probably wasted thought, and should wait for it to actually happen" Yes, a wasted thought. Listen to me, I am the master of wasted thoughts.
"The most telling ones are ever since I was young my talents have put me in the 'spotlight' so to speak and I disliked it so much, that I still downplay or dont mention them. I love to teach and have no problem with public speaking, but I shudder at the general idea of being famous. I my be a source of energy in a group, but I prefer to be in the background and instigate others to be the center of attention." Although our talents are (I'm sure) very different, I feel very much the same way. My height (6'9") makes me automatically the center of attention. Couple that with a booming deep voice and a pretty good knowledge of a topic most people find interesting and I can readily be the center of a attention in any gathering. But I'd much rather talk to people one on one than address a group. I almost had a career in music but shied away because I get stage fright sometimes. I really enjoy the preparation, the practice, etc. but nearly always hated the performance.
Haven't read the narcissim stuff because I'm pretty sure it doesn't apply to me. But I enjoy hearing you and cobra talk about it.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Blackfoot... My feeling is that the letters were a way of W reaching out to you. However, it sounds like you are not in a mindset to put your heart on the line and "work" her offerings in any way. There does come a time when dropping the rope is necessary for some internal peace.
To me, you come across as a man of strength and character. Unfortunately, you have learned the hard way that the best hand is not always successful ( game theory). Mathematicians have actually directed US policy...our poker-based paradigms were no match for the Soviets ( who were more skilled at chess, a more moral game).
I do believe there is a way to stay true to yourself while applying DB strategies in order to get results, and to come out stronger in the long run...but you have to want it. I have enjoyed the comments you have made regarding attractive male behavior ( listen up guys...he is attractive)! I know you are hurting... I wish you future happiness.
I don't think all feelings result from stressors or need to be remedied.
agreed Globule. I was talking about the negative ones.
My error, my weakness is over controlling them and crushing or ignoring all negative ones. I want to say I dont ever feel jealousy, but the reality is when it does happen I stamp it out and characterize it as being weak and insecure on my own part. I am too extreme in this.
I didnt heed my own advice about listening to it and doing something about it. Cobra was right about needing to move towards the middle.
