Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again need a little input on this idea

H has been saying that I "blind-side" him with my anger. Typically what happens is that I will hold off on actually confronting him until a couple of days after the incident. He claims that my approach is all wrong, but complains that I wait to discuss important issues. Let me tell you a specific incident.

When he said in front of our 4 year old daughter that he wanted to "kill himself." I was shocked. I asked him calmly to talk to her and reassure her. He said, "she's too young to understand." At that point I wanted to yell, but I just walked away.

After explaining what occurred to several friends, I realized that this was too important to allow it to slide. Yes, a few other events happened and by the time he came home one night I was very unhappy. He asked, "What's wrong?" I told him. He became defensive and it turned into a nasty argument.

So we discussed this with the therapist who suggests that I get angry with him when the event occurs. I know I tend to hold onto to my emotions and decide whether or not the confrontation is worthwhile. That doesn't seem to be working for me.

Does that mean that I should just allow my opinions to fly when they pop into my head? How else do I keep from "blind-siding" him?

Well, it sounds to me like you have to immediately address it while it is still fresh in your mind. However, you would do the right thing by moving away from your D before doing it. Maybe ask him to go outside?

If he is that depressed, then he needs to know you care also. And you walking away when he is feeling such strong feelings is only telling him he doesn't matter to you - then you come back later and yell at him over it. I totally understand - although I used to do more of what you do and let it fester. It was hard to learn not to.

I'm not here much in piecing, still over in Newcomers, but here's my two cents.
In your specific example, I believe I would have asked him to join me in a separate room away from your daughter. And then explained that yes, a 4 year old DOES repeat what she hears, they are more aware than we realize.

How about if when the event occurs you let him be aware of what it is that makes you so angry, but if you can't stay in control of your anger emotion put the discussion about on hold for a few hours or a day until you can both be rational about the discussion.

The discussion can be very helpful, but it should end up being positive for both of you.

WCW, you hit on exactly why confronting him immediately would be a problem. I was furious with him for saying something that in my mind was injurious to our D. How could I possibly have a normal discussion with him when I was livid and he was suicidal? (Kinda makes me want to smack the therapist for being so ridiculous.)

rottzilla, H is the one who can't remember the issue; he thought it was "settled." LOL You also made a point that I hadn't thought of. Obviously, H was in need of some nuturing, and I did walk away. And yes, I yelled at him later for expressing those feelings. Maybe just telling him that we'd have to discuss the issue some other time would help.

A few days ago he told me that I was "cold." Normally, I am extremely warm and loving. The past few months with him have been sheer torture. Since I suffer from depression too, I've had to withdraw in order to keep my sanity. He had reached a point in which he becomes wooden when I try to hug or kiss him.

I suppose he expects me to keep trying - that's what I've always done. This time, I needed to take care of myself.

My h used to say that I blindsided him too...one thing he meant was that while I was stewing over an event and "planning" my "attack" he was unaware that there was anything wrong. He felt caught unawares when I did finally bring things up to him (by which time I had worked myself into a frenzy and had built up all kinds of arguments and reinforcements for why I was right and he was wrong, wrong, wrong).

Some things that helped me (that may or may not help you):

1. I get angry a LOT less often -- there are plenty of things in our M that I used to get crazy about that I just totally let slide. It helps because it really reduces the anger and anxiety I feel and h feels and it creates a much calmer environment. Then, when something does make one of us upset it really means something.

2. Even when I do get mad about something I'm pretty measured in my response -- I try not to personalize whatever it is that h has done, I try not to assign some "meaning" to it (he did this, therefore he must feel XYZ about me), and I try to realize that some things, no matter how much I think they are mine to control or react to just aren't.

3. I give h the head's up that I'm upset about something and I want to talk about it but give him time to prepare. So, for example, you could say "I was really concerned and upset about what you said in front of dd the other day. I'd like to talk to you about why I'm concerned. When would be a good time for us to talk about it?" It gives him the option to take a day or two to think about his response. The key though is to not react negatively to his first reaction which is likely to be emotional or provoking. So, if he comes back at you right then and there say "I do want to talk about this with you but think we should hold off until tomorrow. How's noontime for you?"

I think that anger is THE main thing that led to the issues in my m and shedding a lot of it has made all the difference. I'm in no way trying to minimize your anger and hurt over what h said in front of dd and I'm sure addressing it with him is a good idea...I hope some of the above was helpful.

Sage

Thanks sage! Any help I can get on this idea of "blindsiding" is important. H and I are on two different emotional levels. I've learned how to let most things roll off me.

H swears at traffic lights, at the computer, at the coffee pot . . . He is especially ornery lately with all the heavy stressors.

I never confront him with my anger. The situation over his inappropriate comment in front of our D was atypical; however, by that time I had added every error he had ever made into the anger. It's no surprise that it went terribly.

I should have waited to discuss it when I could have been calm.

I do fall into the trap of assigning meaning to some of his expletives or outbursts that is inappropriate. I'm rather jaded at this point, because he's been "stressed" since last fall. I must resolve to be tougher.

I think your third idea is the one that I particularly needed to hear. He needs to know that we do need to talk about serious issues in spite of his state of mind, but we can do it when we are both in a calmer place.

PM,

Do you have another thread in piecing? Just thought I'd stop by and read your sitch. We're both dealing with detaching and anger issues. I wish Michele would write a book on how to deal with lying and control issues, and something in-depth about depression and DBing. It seems like so many of us are dealing with the same dynamics that are tearing our Ms apart.

Hang in there!

piglet, I think you've read my whopping 2 posts in piecing.

I probably should have begun by posting in newcomers, but this is my third experience in marriage, and I'm adept at adapting. My first two marriages ended in divorce, but thankfully no children were involved.

#1 became a dangerous situation for me. I didn't know at the time that he'd become addicted to methamphetamine (crank). I did know he was an alcoholic and attributed his paranoid and furious behavior to drinking. He became physically abusive, so I planned my escape carefully.

He spent a long time cajoling me, stalking me, threatening me - you name it, he tried it. I'm still afraid he may one day show up and do something hideous.

#2 started out as a beautiful, loving marriage. I still am not entirely certain what changed. I know I had a bad reaction to a medication and became very depressed. By the time I was better, #2 had given up. I did everything I could think of to keep our marriage together, but something came totally unhinged in his mind. He also became violent, and threw me out of the house.

I've had to learn how to change my behavior and keep my emotions in check in order to survive. Part of me feels angry with my H that, yet again, I'm in a position of protecting myself. H has not been violent towards me or the children (whew) but emotional attacks are unacceptable.

Another part of me accepts a huge share of blame, because I have such an abysmal track record. I wanted to give my kids a strong and healthy relationship. H's thinking of late is not the sort of role model I'd envisioned.

I believe it would be hard for Michele to write a book about living with control/depression issues unless she's had to deal with those personally. It's incredibly difficult to be strong in the face of daily negativity.

PM,

Abysmal track record huh? Well, I hear a lady who is determined to have a family and that's admirable considering what men have put you through in the past. There is NO blame in wanting your kids to have a strong, healthy relationship.

It IS hard to be strong in the face of daily negativity. I'll have to think about that. I've been at this R for 18 years almost and have thought many times that ending it was the answer. I guess we all have our track records.. one would think after 18 years, our sitch would be figured out! Take heart though.. kids benefit by having one parent who's a good example. I used to think that my H would screw them up and they'd end up acting like him, or hate me for staying. We have a S19 and D11 (S5, S2 also), and the kids are more resiliant than I am. S19 might be benefiting from seeing how H is living life by not living his life that way. The father that I thought would teach them to be short-tempered,impatient, passive and irresponsible has helped me raise kids that are independent and successful so far.. S19 is on a full engineering scholarship and self supporting at his age. He's also devoted to our family and has had a healthy R with his GF for over two years. Go figure. Maybe what doesn't kill us makes us strong! I imagine your D will put your H's comments out of her mind before you do.. I sure hope so.

Hey Purple!

How are things in your neck of the woods? I hope you enjoyed the weather this weekend.