My hsuband and I have een married almost 6 years amd have a 2 year old daughter. 2 weeks ago my H told me that he did not feel any passion in our marriage. He said he didn't know if he wanted to stay married like this. He said for 2 years I have pushed him away and made him feel like I do not live him (I love him very much) So after many tears I decided to do something about it. I am (use to be) a very sexual person and after reading the book I realize that I have to be pro-active. So for the past few days I have been the one initiating things wanting to ML and just cuddling holding hands rubbing his back)but he now just feels so cold towards me, if this is how I made him feel for 2 years I am so sorry because this sucks! Any ideas that can help me?
Welcome to the board. There are no quick fixes here, but there are many people who have thought long and hard about how to improve their marriages.
I guess my first question is whether you agree with your husband's assessment of you over the past few years. Do you feel that you have been pushing him away? If not, can you imagine why he thinks that you have?
You mentioned that you have a two-year old. I know first hand how having children can affect a marriage. How have you adjusted to the child? Do you share child rearing responsibilities? Or do you get worn out taking care of the child by yourself?
Check back frequently and you'll get a variety of opinions on how you could proceed. Don't give up if people say some things you don't agree with. Over time, you may start to see how you could effect change.
In some ways I do agree with his take on the past 2 years although I would day it's about 1 1/2 years I just think I got lazy and he stopped doing all the sweet things he use to do doe me. As for our daughter he is a great father really good with her but I do feel like I am the primary caregiver.
Are you getting what you want from the relationship? Or are only afraid that his remarks indicate that he might be up to some mischief? Most of us here are in mismatched marriages: Low desire with High Desire, or vice-versa. Has your marriage evolved into such a situation?
My best thought is first of all....KUDOS to you for being pro-active!!!
Next....talk to your H and tell him how you are feeling and that you are sorry for the pain you've caused (albeit unintentionally I'm sure)....and ask for him to give you time to show you want to work on this.
Now...don't be surprised if he's cold to you at first. Speaking as someone who has been rejected time and again by her spouse....we won't easily trust that the efforts made are permanent. All too often when our spouse makes an effort it's short-lived, it doesn't last, it's not permanent. So, when someone, like yourself, decides to make a permanent change it will take some time for us to believe it's permanent....try not to become discouraged in your efforts ok?
You might even ask him...in a calm rational conversation, what it is that he remembers that you used to do, that for whatever reason (kids, work, schedules, life etc) you've stopped doing....that he misses. Many times it can be those little things that we stop doing that we miss the most.
As for being more sexual....be consistent. Be more physically affectionate, perhaps send him some suggestive text messages on his phone (I just tried this and seem to be getting some success)...try some different things you think he may like.
But...most of all, try not to become discouraged in your efforts. It took time for him to get where he is emotionally, it will take time to turn it around as well.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, we have been having really long conversations (almost daily) about how I have hurt him and what he misses about our relationship. It has been a real wake-up call for me.
I think alot of my problems started when we moved into his mom's house (this was 2 years ago) while our house was being built, I just felt that i couldn't be myself there and i felt like I was a kid again(living at home) So unfourtunatley I put things on the back burner and hoped that once we got settled in the house things would magically change, well they didn't. I now realize what I have been doing and I am totally committed to making sure things improve. I guess it's the time issue, I thought he would be openly receptive to my advances and it has thrown me for a loop that he is being so cool with me. But I know these things are going to take time.
Quote: I guess it's the time issue, I thought he would be openly receptive to my advances and it has thrown me for a loop that he is being so cool with me. But I know these things are going to take time.
Patience.
He has built up over a year of hurt and rejection. That's not going to change overnight. Or even in a couple of weeks. If you go into this recognizing that you are not going to get an immediate response, keeping in mind that he's been dealing with this for more than a year, I think you'll be better prepared to go for the long term.
If you enter into this *expecting* that he should respond quickly, you're setting yourself up for resentment. Think of it as treatment for a chronic condition rather than as a headache - the medicine and rehab therapy are going to take time, you can't just apply an aspirin to it.
My husband and I have a very good relationship (he has said this as well) really the only problem we have been having is this one, Lack of passion as he calls it and i have been doing alot of thinking and reading and am finally coming to terms with the issues at hand, I guess it has taken me a while to "wake up".
As for am I afraid that his remarks make me think that he is up to some mischief.... no, I know he has a female friend that he talks to and we have had converstions about this subject and no I do not feel that he is "up to anything" part of me did at first but the more we talk the more I know this is not part of the equation.
Quote: no, I know he has a female friend that he talks to and we have had converstions about this subject
My personal opinion is that it is playing with fire to discuss marital issues with a friend of the opposite gender (applies toward friends of the same gender if you're gay).
There are a couple of reasons that I suggest caution on doing this.
1. Sharing problems about your intimate relationship with an opposite gender friend, is sharing intimate info that easily, quickly develops intimacy in the friendship. There is an additional bonding that occurs when you're pouring out your deeper hurts, issues and problems to someone who already is open to you.
2. It brings a third person into your marriage. We're not talking about the occasional bitch-fest that many of us can participate in with regards to marriage. For the deeper types of conversations regarding a troubled marriage, a professional should perhaps be utilized. A therapist, a pastor, an older stable couple, etc - not your close friend of the opposite gender.
3. This person can quickly become an ideal to which the other spouse can get compared. The thought process can go like this, "She's just a friend - but she understands me better than you do, she knows how deeply I've been hurt, she would never do to me what you have done, why she teared up when I was telling her about our problems..."
I'm not saying or hinting that anything inappropriate is going on, I am only saying that this is a very vulnerable activity that can go wrong quickly.
I agree with you wholeheartedly on this. My initial response to Confused letting us know of her H's female confidant was....."that's playing with fire".
I agree...he may truly not be doing anything inappropriate with her, he may truly just be trying to get a woman's perspective on some things.....BUT, this is often how trouble begins. If your H wants to talk to someone and vent or have a sounding board he really ought to find a good male friend to talk to.
