Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Having religious issues within the SSM

K,
For what it is worth, MrsGGB hasn't been up for round 2 since before we got married. She can't get out of bed and get dressed quick enough when we are done most of the time. Me, I like to cuddle and bask in the afterglow for a bit, but feeling like I am holding her down to get the cuddle time pretty much evaporates those feelings. I suppose it is yet another ingredient in my current burnt out state.

Karen,
SO well said, my sister.

Sometimes I wish H would concentrate less on the squeezy bits and more on my brain, when in foreplay.

I would love to hear some of his sexy thoughts and moments during foreplay--after all, this is the only time he feels comfortable letting that side of his personality out to play.

IOW, if he'd share more of himself during sex, I would arouse instantly.
Cine shared with us that she used to hold herself back, remove herself from the sexual equation, and think that offering the use of her body was enough. Sometimes it seems that he is doing this.

Hmm, we've had the same convo. MrsGGB doesn't see the connection between arousal and the mind. She's convinced that sex is only about the naughty bits, which I've stated here before.

It's interesting that this site that CeMar mentioned called "The Marriage Bed," a site that deals with sexuality for Christians has a section in the Message Boards called "Sexual Sin," and under that topic are four subtopics: Pornography, Infidelity, Lust & Immodesty and Sexual Refusal (my spouse won't have sex). Interesting that they put Sexual Refusal in a category with those other "sins." (I didn't go into the topics because I didn't want to register on the site.)

I think it is interesting as well. Would that H saw "sexual refual" as a sin - he's very faithful to God. So, would he stop sexually refusing or would he just confess it and do penance? I don't know.

Not much to journal here. Last night was pretty much a bust. Too much responsibility. Too much illness in the house - everyone is sick and tired. We didn't really connect but the funny part is that I think he missed me. I kinda stayed out of his mix doing kid stuff, staying upstairs putting away laundry etc...so we didn't interact except for at the dinner table until about 11pm. This wasn't on purpose. It just was. When I finally sat down and he finally sat down I got a kinda sheepish, "Hi honey." It is times like that when I know he loves me. It is times like that when I wish he loved me with a kiss that naturally extended to a longer kiss because he had missed me. It would be ok if we didn't have sex as long as once in a while I didn't have to feel like a wrung out dishrag at the end of the day with him seeing me like one too.

Karen

I am reading a book called "In the Mood Again." Some of it is old hat - sexual resonse cycle, basics of communication etc... The part I like is about exchange of power and makes the point that noboby wants to have sex with someone that they perceive as weak. To the HD in the relationship - if the begging, bugging, discussing about sex comes across as whiny or weak - forget it. We've already discussed that the LD partner holds all the cards so to speak but this book gives some concrete examples of holding on to your own power when discussing these kinds of issue - stuff like body language and voice are key.

Makes me cringe to think of the times that we have had the "why aren't we having sex" discussion and the only thing I was able to do was to cry something like "why don't you love me/want me anymore" - guess what - he didn't want to have sex with me when all I could do was cry about it.

Unfortunately, I don't think that simply fixing our communication and exchange of power issues will take care of things. Nor do I think that I can just work on bettering my feminine whiles. I think that some of the problem has to do with my H really having no idea what to with his sexual feelings, with anxieties, with bumping up against his relgious background with stuff that I can't fix. He has to figure all that out for himself. I don't know if he is motivated to do that. I don't know if I have patience with that lack of motivation.

Just e-mailed H about the weekend. He pre-emtively emailed me that he would be up for sex tonight and Sunday but that Saturday he would be too tired because of his training for his next triathlon. And he threw in a "lets go to dinner Saturday." I'm trying to look at this in a postive light. At least I got the "go" on two nights but if it turns out to be just me and my efforts there in the budoir - it won't happen (ok it would probably still happen but I won't be happy about it). Are we sharing power there? I don't think so.

Karen

Karen,

This caught my attention (but if it turns out to be just me and my efforts there in the budoir - it won't happen).

I can certainly understand this. I distinctly remember one evening that my H said we'd ML...and I ended up being the only one actively doing anything...he was pretty much just laying there like a bump on a log. So....I stopped, got off of him and said "I'm not doing this, this isn't worth it." That got his attention big time, I've never stopped like that and just got up, put on my robe and refused to go on. So naturally he asked me what was wrong. I explained that he wasn't even participating....yes, he was there...but doing NOTHING, he was leaving everything up to me. I asked him...."how gratifying do you think that is for me? How do you think it makes me feel to have you just lay there and make no effort whatsoever? I'd rather not have sex at all if that's what you're going to do...I don't need that." Ever since I did that he has at least made an effort to actually participate when we ML, which makes a big difference for both of us.

GEL

GEL said:

Quote:

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I distinctly remember one evening that my H said we'd ML...and I ended up being the only one actively doing anything...he was pretty much just laying there like a bump on a log. So....I stopped, got off of him and said "I'm not doing this, this isn't worth it." That got his attention big time, I've never stopped like that and just got up, put on my robe and refused to go on. So naturally he asked me what was wrong. I explained that he wasn't even participating....yes, he was there...but doing NOTHING, he was leaving everything up to me. I asked him...."how gratifying do you think that is for me? How do you think it makes me feel to have you just lay there and make no effort whatsoever? I'd rather not have sex at all if that's what you're going to do...I don't need that."

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Do I remember you saying that you were once LD, but became HD? Does this put you in a better position to understand your H's LD? If your H is uncomfortable with sex, do you consider working through that discomfort a part of participating in ML?

Karen, I think that works both ways. To the LD, an HD's constant begging and whining about lackanookie no doubt comes across as a weakness. On the otherhand, the LD's lack of desire might also be a sign of weakness to the HD, especially if there is a lot of avoidance behavior rather than confronting the issue directly. AHH, as I am writing this I am losing my argument, so perhaps nevermind.

Anyway, that wasn't what motivated my response. I agree wholeheartedly that nothing we as HDs can do is going to 'fix' the situation entirely: the LDs need to figure out their sexualities for themselves. Unfortunately, I don't see that self motivation happening for them as long as they are not uncomfortable with the status quo. From what I have seen in my own relationship as well as in others kind enough to post their sitches here is that unless the rug is pulled out from under them somehow, that motivation does not happen, period. I lost my patience with that lack of motivation, and I got darned tired of trying to gently tug on the rug. I guess it goes to show that you need to yank the rug really hard to pull it out from under them . I just never mustered the courage to pull the rug hard enough to make a difference I guess. Anyway, I got so tired of pushing and pulling with lackluster results that I've reached a place where I've lost that loving feeling and I really don't care much what happens next. I don't know exactly what happened, the loving feelings just sort of evaporated and quite suddenly I might add. I hate this feeling, but the lack of results from most everything I have tried leaves me very unmotivated to try anything more. I feel very much like the boy that didn't like the way the game was going so he just took the ball and went home. I'm hoping the loving feeling will return if for no other reason than for the sake of my kids, but I don't think it will until she decides to become proactive instead of reactive in regards to our relationship and sex.

GGB,
A question that is helpful to ask is what does Mrs. GGB think she would gain by having a passionate SL with you? Now that you are in a more or less LD mode, you might be able to more objective about her answer.