Hi Heli I'm sure I've talked enough about orgasms today but I just reread your first post and I find it hard to believe she is actually achieving orgasm with the "toys" and such and then saying it's just too much work. Huh? That makes no sense. Who doesn't want to have an orgasm once in a while. Her lack of interest in being more than "a hole" as you put it would support this theory that she is not being sexually fulfilled. That is certainly not your fault in any way. She needs to be able to open herself up to the FULL expression of her sexuality, not just spreading her legs and taking it but actually engaging to climax.
Quote: She needs to be able to open herself up to the FULL expression of her sexuality, not just spreading her legs and taking it but actually engaging to climax.
Right...now if I can only get her to do that... She says she's more frustrated than I am, not being able to "please me." That's why we have read all the books and paid for all the counselors'/therapists' cars.
Where's the "magic button" she can flip and get herself to "open up?" I know there isn't one...but we've been looking for years. The illusive fountain of youth?
I have explained this site to her. She told me to get order the book. She's just given up on ever being able to find her button and it's just as well to her.
What she doesn't seem to understand (and this is just my guess) is that she has to just let go....she has to stop "trying". She's still letting inhibitions and thoughts cloud the experience, what SHE needs to figure out is why she's allowing that to happen.
It could be something as simple as she's afraid of being vulnerable, and that's an understandable thing. She could feel awkward and feel like she looks foolish and thoughts like that can keep someone from "letting go" and just enjoying themselves and enjoying you too.
Have you invited her to join this site as well? It might help her to see, even if she just reads....that we aren't here trying to hook up or justify divorces...that we're all here to work on our M's....and it also might help her to see that there are other men/women like her here too.
Quote: I was hoping someone here could point me in a "new" direction. It seems it's just an endless loop of the same-ole same-ole.
What HAS worked for the readers out there? Any wives out there in the LD situation that found a way that works? I'm not talking the 1-2/week types of LD, I'm talking the 2-3/year types...
My question would be "what exactly are the two of you looking for?"
Strong desire? Climaxing? More frequency? More mutuality in lovemaking? More openness and less emotional stiltedness? Is she willing to work with you on this?
I saw a stat just yesterday that said the average stimulation time to a woman's orgasm was 20 minutes. If you have a hard time reaching climax, that can seem like an awful long time.
I don't feel strong sexual desire. When life stresses were high and our relationship was broken, desire toward my husband was nil. When we began working on this, not only did I not have any desire, I had quite a load of unhappiness and unresolved marital issues.
You can get to a better place, but it takes having reasonable expectations and a willingness from both of you to keep plugging away at it.
Mrs Nop states "I saw a stat just yesterday that said the average stimulation time to a woman's orgasm was 20 minutes. If you have a hard time reaching climax, that can seem like an awful long time."
I consider myself very HD and it still takes me a minimum of 10 minutes to have an orgasm, no matter how "into it" I am. That's just my biology. Sex is not all about the orgasm so I certainly enjoy myself before the big climax.
However, Heli, you stated that your W gets frustrated because she is not able to please YOU. That is the wrong mindset. Too much pressure. She probably knows that you can orgasm much quicker than her and therefore she is "laging behind" or whatever.
My H can orgasm within 1 minute if he wants to. In a sense, I am jealous. It is very hard for me to have a "quickie" like a man can. Of course I love it but I do not orgasm. If my H wants the "quickie" he will usually take care of me afterwards or before with oral.
I think there is too much pressure for women to orgasm either thru intercourse or at the same time as their partner. Sure it can happen but that is not the norm.
It's more important that each partner respects how the other is sexually fulfilled so that each is satisfied and no resentments can be built.
Here's TMI: When I MB, I MAKE it take at least 45 mins to an hour. I'm not in a hurry to get it over with. Getting there feels too good. I guess I could climax in a shorter time, but who wants to?
The time issue can make both parties VERY self-conscious. The best lover I ever had didn't care how long it took, and that was a blessing. He loved the process of getting there. One time we actually "did it" continuously in the starfish position for two and a half hours before we decided to o. Sublime. OTOH, my bf has complained about his hand getting tired and cramped if it takes more than 15 minutes.
you're right, that was TMI. I think this forum needs more MLAs. OTOH, why can't people write english here? IHTFP.
Anyway, I've now read the book...I was disappointed. It's all the same stuff as the other books. "Go see your doctor, go get a sex therapist, read this book, blah, blah, blah. The only exception sections was the Nike "just do it" philosophy. I had told her this myself for years. "If you like it once you do it, why not do it?" My wife isn't so much in agreement of that. She says she HAS tried to "let go" of herself. She has been "just doing it" every time we've "done it." And it doesn't get any better for her, so she just don't see the point.
So now what? I'm lost.
What's the way to relax a woman that cringes at the thought of soft touch. I can hold her. I can touch her (as long as I don't move).
